Living Proof

On Christmas Eve, Madelene and I have a little tradition that we never break. We go to our favorite restaurant, sit at the bar, order a dry martini straight up with olives and an antipasto for two. We then head off to my sister's Christmas Eve party. While sitting at the bar this year, we noticed two older men at the way corner end and a few stragglers to the side of us. The female bartender was swamped with orders from the tables as well as right in front of her. She couldn't pour fast enough. She looked like she was ready to throw in the towel. I said, "Come to the other side of the bar and have a drink with us," - in jest of course, and she said, "Ugh God I wish!" It wasn't even minutes later when the old man sitting over in the far corner screamed out, "Goddamnit! This is the worst Manhattan I've ever tasted! Are you kidding me?" -- He went on and on about it. A sufficient, "Can I have another drink, this one isn't very good

Mental illness is thrown around so much these days, as well as the pills that are prescribed for each diagnosis. I truly don't know what to think other than this has never happened before the 90's. I can't blame it on a single thing, neither can anyone else. You can have all the guesstimations in the world, but none will tell you the entire story. What are the ingredients for a killer? The 'profiling' class example are the kids who are loners, bullied or awkward in some way. If an outcasted kid is that depressed, would he even care about his own life? And if he doesn't care about his own life, will he care about yours? Will he care about your children's lives? Of course not. And to top this guesstimation off -- add a dash of revenge into the pot. In today's world, kids aren't only suicidal - they're homicidal as well. It's not just 'oh woe is me' - it's more like, 'woe is me and I'll get you back for your happiness and

December 21rst was supposed to be the end of the world. I woke up to find all my patio furniture slapping into my sliding glass door because of the high winds and rain. ...Can it be? To save face, many said it would be a "new beginning" - which sounds much better. It kind of reminds me of a bizarre New Year's Day where you look back upon all your regrets or things you would have done differently to start a new leaf and do them the 'right way'. Some believe we're supposed to become more evolved and headed into a new spiritual realm of consciousness. Deep. Others simply think it's plain ol' bullshit. Our calendars on the wall ends at December 31rst, however it doesn't mean the world will. And maybe, those who won't admit that they were actually a bit frightened of this date may have a change in character - change of heart - a change in attitude. I find this day to be a positive one: new beginnings, new hope, a new sense of freedom and apprecia

At times, apologies are more than welcomed and surely a brave act of love and a willingness to oversee any past hurts that have been endured. But is it enough? Words are sometimes meaningless. And the old cliché, "Actions speak louder than words" can be applied here. There's something to be said for a constant persistence of sincerity - a genuine act of regretted actions in the form of a friendly invite, a "welcome back" if you will - if one accepts of course.  With anything in life, I weigh out the cons and pros. It may sound corny, but it really works. I even weigh out the cons and pros of a past friendship, an old job opportunity, to even bringing something new (or old) into my diet. Anything. Is it worth it? Will it (or they) improve my life? What if "just taking a chance" is the only option you have?  Fear can play a major role in your decision to bring back something in your past. Or, should the past be completely forgotten about? What if your

It was definitely an odd day today as I headed off to the supermarket after finishing a ton of work. After being sick for almost a week from touching the shopping cart handle and then touching my mouth, I came across a dilemma in the produce aisle: opening the baggies. I swear to you, with my intense OCD, I still sometimes touch my tongue to open those plastic bags up. They're impossible. But after this wild week of sickness and hospitalization --- hell. to. the. no. I saw bright red vine tomatoes and immediately fled to them. I ripped off a bag and yes, started to fiddle with the opening. I'm literally praying in my mind, "C'mon, just open. Open... Open!!!" Some guy across the vegetable stand saw me struggling and said, "They sure make it hard for us." Another gentleman standing near me said, "Here, let me get that for you." He opened it effortlessly. I say my 'thank yous' and rush off like a bat outa' hell into the next aisle. M

There is no truth. There is no proof. There are no concrete answers to anything. People claim "the truth" as if it were the end all be all. There are many sectors of Christianity that believe in totally different things (other than the trinity) - ie: rules and "sins". How can you be so sure you're doing the right thing when the Christian right next to you is calling you a sinner? Your Bible says it's ok. His Bible speaks differently. Why are there so many misconstrued, misinterpreted, misunderstood, mis-mis-mis- misinformed scriptures? Slavery is okay. Two people of the same gender in a loving relationship is not. Killing children is okay. Divorcing your wife and remarrying someone else years later down the road is not. What about the scriptures about how much of an abomination eating shellfish and shaving off your beard is? Sitting next to a woman who happens to be menstruating is sinful and considered "unclean". How do we know she's menstru

If this religious group hasn't hit an all time low yet, this is certainly their most disgusting of all protests. They're planning to picket a vigil for the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary School. They're known for picketing at soldiers' funerals and mostly against homosexuality, and of course, their enablers, or as they would say, "fag enablers". Religion has brought people together as well as tear them apart. One of the reasons why I'm scared of the Bible in some cases, is because the scriptures are sometimes taken out of context, misinterpreted and some of it is 'old school' methods that are scarier than we'd like to admit. Before I get into the biblical scriptures that may have backed up Adam Lanza's reasoning for his attack, I have to comment about something I do believe in: evil. As a Christian myself, schizophrenia or any other "mental illness" is sometimes confused with being possessed by demons. I know, I know -- "

Got a headache? Take an Advil. Sneezing too much? Take some Claritin. Is your child a bit too hyper? Give em' Ritalin. Feeling sad? Take a Prozac. Feeling a bit tense? Take some Xanax. Is your dog down in the dumps too? Well, feel free to give your pooch a little antidepressant as well. I mean ...really? As I write this, I'm digesting two Advils for my headache and a Claritin for my allergies. Oh, I also took 1 mg of Ativan because I have anxiety disorder. The doctors told me to. When I wake up, I take Prilosec for my GERD. I've been on it for ...geesh... four years now, every. waking. morning. The box says no more than two weeks, but the doctor said  . . .  But the truth is, antipsychotics and antidepressants have become a huge part of many people's lives. People are misdiagnosed every single day being flung a prescription after a 15 minute chat about why they feel depressed. I don't think 15 minutes can determine whether or not someone needs medication to deal w

Let me just say one thing before I start to rant: I give so much credit for those who work in the medical field, whether you're an x-ray tech, nurse, doctor or pharmacist --- you are exposed to so much shit. Okay, that was my OCD talking. Yesterday, I collapsed onto the bathroom floor, pants halfway down and all, because I was too weak to actually get up. I had called Mad earlier to tell her to bring me to the ER. My dog was scratching the door crying because she knew something was wrong. I was severely dehydrated and weak. I really didn't know how I was going to make a 30 minute (yes 30 effing minutes) to the hospital when I was umm, going every 10 minutes, but thankfully I made it just in time. When I got to the receptionist counter while Mad was trying to hold me up, the woman looked at me and said, "Stomach virus?" I didn't say a word. How did she know? "Wait right there, all rooms are taken up by the same exact thing." Immediately my OCD kicks i

You raise your child, love them, feed them, make sure they're warm at night, try to get them to school safely and then this shit happens. After 5 or 10 years, all your love, your hard work and effort --- your heart --- all gone just because some mentally deranged bastard decided to unload his gun on your child right before Christmas. You have no one to be angry at. The killer is gone. There's no one to unload your fury on - not one person to scream at - it's all on you. There are no trials or hearings to go to in order to put this bastard into jail for life and make him pay. There's no revenge - it's just you and your thoughts. You pray he goes to hell, and then, you question if there is a hell. You question if there is a God, and if so, why would God let this sort of thing happen? You can't even say or possibly think "it was their time" --- at the ages that range from 5 - 10 years old - it can't be their time. They had so much ahead of them.  

Last Tuesday I went to our local Korean farm market to buy some produce. I just needed a couple of staples and wanted to get the hell out of there. I grabbed one of those little plastic baskets with the metal handles and went along my way. I always keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my car after shopping so I can literally shower in it after having touched those vile carts. I have protocols I use when shopping: never touch your eyes, nose or mouth while shopping----ever. It's the first rule I have. The germs that are found on shopping carts are the most disgusting ones you'll ever find -- even worse than a toilet. Studies have found that not only flu and cold viruses linger there, but human feces, urine and other bodily fluids from babies have shown up. Usually with the mini baskets, you'll have your typical cold/flu germs on it, so I was prepared, until one lady came up to me and said, "Oh ma'am, can you check me out please?" I stared at her and she stared

There are so many misconceptions about people when you refuse to let yourself get to know them. Just because someone has a "mean look" all the time doesn't necessarily mean that they're angry 24/7. It could very well be that they just have a dry sense of humor, and may even be one of the funniest people you'll ever meet. I know quite a few people like that. I'm finding so many people (more than I realized) judging people so harshly, just based upon appearances. I rarely see other's appearances, I'd rather "see" their inner appearance. One of my girlfriends were talking about this high school classmate we used to know years ago. She was one of the popular girls - a cheerleader - perfect hair - perfect everything. She was also one of the nicest girls in school. While at a BBQ we were both at, my girlfriend said, "That's her! Go say hi." She was sitting down in a steel fold out chair. She was sitting by herself. She couldn't

This is my story... I didn't know what to expect. I was abandoned by my parents in a huge field in the backyard of someone's house in Puerto Rico and then taken away by a couple of nice strangers in a huge van. My parents had stopped feeding me and just left me there for dead. We boarded a plane that took us over to New York. Once we got there, they placed me in a holding cell. Did I do something wrong? Why was I in jail? I wasn't the only ones in this cell. A few more were in there just like me - confused and wondering where and when our next trip would be. Would we be in here forever? Sometimes, we'd see people walking into the prison, taking out a prisoner or two. One of our very own cellmates got taken away by the head of the prison. We never saw him again. Feeding time was always rough for me. I had to always fight for my food. Others would grab the food right off of my plate. I had to hide while eating or I would starve to death. Where are my parents? ...I wis