Living Proof

Crazy insane madness between the Christmas shopping and STILL a bit sick, I've been neglecting my blog. I just wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays! I'll be back on track after January. For now, a little clip I had taken from the deck of my apartment. Santa Claus came to town! (Of course, without gifts and in a plow truck...)

There’s always a pivotal moment in someone’s life when they finally realize the learning experience from all the bullshit they’ve been through. It’s like an epiphany of insane and enlightening thoughts being tossed into a blender that was once referred to as, “their mind”. Shortly after any negative experience you may encounter, such as a breakup, a heated argument or why someone did the most asinine thing - you go into “stupidity mode”, ie: “Why did this happen?” “What did I do?” “Why, why why?” Then there are the closure whores who need every fricken thing under the sun closed like a used car sale. I used to be that way, but thankfully, with many mistakes I have made in the past, and through other people’s mistakes as well, I have finally learned the reason to people’s madnesses, ( or maybe just a select few), and of course my own. Think about it - the seven deadly sins (not getting all high & mighty & holy rollin’ on you), but these things are valid in our lives. Pride,...

(Yes, that is my dad playing Santa Claus and me in yellow feet pajamas.) During the holidays people can become sad, overwhelmed and cranky. I don’t exclude myself from that sentence either. There are more suicides, family arguments and extreme depression and anxiety. Especially this time of year, people usually think about lost loved ones and people who they have lost touch with throughout their lives. A whole medley of chaotic thoughts get rustled into a mess of psychological bullshit. It happens to the best of us, sane or insane.  It was so much different when we were kids.   Being that this is the most “expensive” time of the year, we tend to look through our archives of achievements or, sometimes, the thought of the lack thereof. It makes you wish that the holidays weren’t so gift-based, as it should be united-based. As we grow older, we morph into different characters, sometimes involving impassiveness towards our own family members and close friends at times. It happens. ...

Just a little vlog to update you on my "issues", as well as torment Madelene in the process. She asked not to be on film, but I had to get a few sneak shots in regardless. I've become a mean old woman.

Since I cannot type well due to my injured finger and this huge bandage, I figured I'd show you a video of the first snowfall here in New York. The photo above is what we woke up to. (Wow that took forever to type with two fingers!)

I am typing with two fingers right now because I had an accident. Last night when I came home, I started to prepare dinner. I started chopping onions when I realized the power of my knife, which ultimately left me with 4 1/2 fingers. They reattached my finger and it will heal thank God. For now, blogging will be limited for me. If anyone wants to watch the video of what I would like for Christmas, I'll give you my address if you want to send it to me.

Usually on a Saturday morning, I like to make a quick run down to the Jewish deli and pick up a couple of bagels and lox for Madelene and myself. I’ve been feeling better and eager to get out of the house, so I thought this would be a great start. When I looked out the window while getting ready, I noticed the winds were very high, bending the trees in all sorts of obscene directions and when I walked out onto the deck, I felt the bitter cold go right through me. I got very discouraged and had to rethink my plan: either make breakfast here, ---or wait--- does my new car have an automatic remote start up so I can warm up the car before heading out? I quickly ran over to the office window that overlooks the parking area with my set of funky BMW keys. This thing has unknown gadgets on it, so I figured at least one of these buttons would start this puppy right up. No. such. luck. I went into the bathroom where Madelene was getting ready and asked, “Does the car have a remote start?” ...

Holiday fiasco and chaos has officially started this year. Dysfunctional family drama has risen to its peak and everyone and their mother is getting sick so let the games begin. As I sit and type this, I’m wondering if my flu-like symptoms are the result of the swine, the seasonal, a cold or just plain allergies. I called up my doctor’s office and asked them if there was any protocol regarding me walking in not knowing if I had the swine or not. “Should I wear a mask just in case?” They just laughed and said, “Naw, you’ll be fine.” I know I can be a bit narcissistic, but I was really asking for   the safety of  the patients I’ll be sneezing on. “Nawww, you’ll be fine.” Great - let’s see how many people we can infect so we can wash this thing clear off the board and call it a day. Idiots. While I sit here mutating, waiting for my noon appointment, my neighbor Parveen has been ridden of the swine flu for the past week or so. I keep texting her, asking her all sorts of ques...

Subconsciously, I am a self-sabotaging anxiety ridden idiot. Other lovely qualities include OCD, hypochondria, periodic episodes of depression and mild dementia. I do it to myself. I get a chest pain that probably stems from the garlic-filled dinner I had the previous night before and officially declare it a heart attack. In the mornings, I buzz around like a lunatic out of breath while noticing I had just drank about two cups of the strongest coffee ever, which brings me straight into a panic attack. After counteracting the effects of the java with a couple of magical ativans, I simply ask myself: is it safe to venture out into the world? I feel too tired. I feel listless and exhausted. And then I have the nerve to say, “I have no idea why I’m exhausted,” followed by a, “It’s another sign of a heart attack.” It’s a vicious cycle I through more than I would like to admit. After one of these lovely episodes, my fridge is filled with nothing but organic greens, veggies, soy pro...

There are days where I just want to shut the world out, live inside my head, turn all TVs, phones, radios and other electronic devices off and listen to nothing other than the fire crackling and maybe a few dogs barking along the way. I was supposed to head into the city today, however after my second dizzy spell, I decided to take it easy and do my work from home. Human interaction is such a wonderful thing, isn’t it? But sometimes, you need that “me time”---that time to just shut the world out and focus on whatever it is you want, if even nothing at all. I had a friend ask if I wanted to join her for a quick glass of wine and talk. Normally, I would, but I just wouldn’t be good company today. I need the complete silence surrounding me and the calmness of just being content as one. I’m so grateful I have that option, because if I chose another path, it would be quite different. The other night while Madelene and I were grocery shopping, we had seen a woman and her three boys, pro...

There comes a time in our lives when we truly have to take a little bitterness overload inventory check and realize that all of these emotions are just plain useless. Just to be more clear and not so full of ‘deep hidden messages’, a close friend of mine is going ---wait---- has been through a breakup. Haven’t we all? The thing is, this breakup occurred two whole years ago. She is still going through it - --by herself. And what I mean by that is, she continually speaks badly about this person as though he was still in her life. He’s gone. He has not been in her life for two. whole. years. I listen and I try to help the best I can, but why waste all of your energy referring to him anytime a negative topic comes up? Immediately she throws his name right into the mix. Why? Let it go. Those words, “let it go” is so easy for so many people to say to someone, isn’t it? We mourn for too long. We let our emotions linger endlessly for the average heart, which leaves us bitter and...

It’s been quite a week. Madelene got two days in a row off, which was definitely needed. Between working on projects together and spending time talking like two best friends for hours over coffee, I got to know my partner of 14 years a little bit more. I’ve always kept in mind that no matter how long you have been with someone, you cannot know them 100%, as one would like to think they do. It’s impossible. People are so complex, full of deep desires, aspirations and secretive treasures that perhaps they want to keep to themselves. It’s our right as humans. Yesterday, I learned a lot about my best friend. We stopped by at a nearby diner and spend some time talking over coffee. We had a conversation about people who simply don’t listen, yet talk your ear off about themselves only. I then told her stories of past dates before Madelene, and how some dates would ramble on and on about themselves - it was an all out “me me me” fest. These types of people will cut you off in order...

There have been so many times where I needed my mother’s advice on dating or just finding the right one. The problem was, she never wanted me to date or even leave the house for that matter. She just wanted her youngest daughter to stay put, say, well into her late 100’s. I would not be able to leave the nest, unless of course, some rich Jewish doctor swept me off my feet, as well as both my parents for that matter. That dream didn’t live up to its potential, however they did adore Madelene when they met her 14 years ago. Even though they had just found out that Madelene was my partner, when they got to know her as a person, it wasn’t so much about their daughter being a lesbian, it was about their daughter being happy. Madelene was smart though: she knew how to work my dad over in her favor. She always came over bearing gifts - not for me mind you - but for the king of the castle. It was her way of trading a camel in for his daughter. She brought him anything from specialty c...

Here's a segment that's just chopped up to fit Youtube, featuring Amy Beckerman and her lifetime partner, Ann Walling.

Sorry I have been out of the loop with keeping up with my blog, but we went to go visit Amy Beckerman and her partner Ann Walling to do an interview for my documentary and then decided to grab a bit of her comedy piece at The Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour so all of you to get a few laughs at and see how incredible this comedian really is. I hope you enjoy this as much as we did! We had such a blast hanging out with them last night, going out to dinner and then going to see Amy's show which was phenomenal! If you are ever in the NYC area and want to see a great show, please visit Amy Beckerman's site for more detailed scheduling. You'll be hungover from laughter!

Yesterday I was having a lot chest pains and shortness of breath. Usually, when I go into the ER, they make me take EKG tests, blood work and other cardio tests to ensure that it’s nothing more than anxiety or a bubble of gas. I’ve gone so many times to the emergency room that doctors already know the answer to my ailments. I feel as though they’re all saying, “Oh it’s her again,” as I walk through the ER doors. Last night, I refused to get medical help with my chest pains. Madelene wanted to drive me to the emergency room, but the thought of waiting for hours upon hours to hear it was nothing more than mere indigestion just didn’t sit well with me. I said, “I’m leaving it in God’s hands,” and then went to sleep. This morning though, I felt a tad better, but with a lot of anxiety about what had happened. I’m going to the doctor this afternoon to get a brief checkup and an EKG reading, which sometimes doesn’t even tell you what’s really going on.  Pointless. My stress levels ha...

The other day when I had posted my little video to preview a tiny clip from my documentary, I had a few emails along with some commentary on my Youtube account. Some were asking to create the music for my project, while others were simply going on about how wrong homosexuality is. Luckily I received more positive and supportive feedback than anything, but that isn’t the point. I had posted an a little ad over at Blogcatalog, a site for bloggers to share their thoughts, their websites and to find more exposure. There is a section on their message boards where you can talk about general things. I thought it may have been a good idea to see if anyone was interested in doing a 15 minute interview for my film. Some of the responses were supportive and others, well, let’s just say they wanted more of a debate, rather than seeing this as an all inclusive event. I had one commenter say, “Haha, biblical scriptures to back you up? Uh, no. Even though Scripture CLEARLY admonishes against h...

Here's just a short preview/trailer of my documentary about gays and lesbians of faith. Some clips you've already seen, but I have featured Rev. David L. Clarke from Provincetown, MA in this clip to speak about his views on homosexuality and how he reconciles his faith in God living as a gay minister.

Lately I’m finding that I’ve become much more cynical and pessimistic toward people. I’m much more leery of people. I understand that everybody has a motive for something or other in this life, but there are some people whose motives are purely taken out and taken out upon other people. Maybe it’s the sake for mere entertainment or it’s some sort of pent up aggression of some sort that mentally and physically vomits self-absorbed absurdness. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a bitch and a half, but some people’s behavior really baffles me sometimes. As I was reaching up trying to grab one of the last Saucy Susans in the grocery store (because I dowse everything in that stuff) , I overheard someone asking one of the employees what aisle their Duraflame logs were. The clerk gladly gave them the information and explained that although it’s usually in that aisle, they had ran out because they sold out quicker than expected. The woman asked if he could check the back to see if he had another ...

Poetry is personal. I even want to compare it to the bible because it has so many interpretations and possible meanings to it. Each person who reads one poem will have a different take on it after they have read it. I’ve always found myself drawn to the type of poetry that has a bit of play on words and a grip on the heartstrings. One of those types where you can say, “everyone can relate” type of poetry. I’ve been to poetry readings, finding myself tilting my head sideways like a Golden Retriever wondering if this person is trying a bit too hard to construe their words into a bundle of challenging metaphors and words hardly ever used in the English language. During a trip in Provincetown, MA, I found myself grimacing while it got more politically offensive as I was the only one sitting amongst extreme liberal lesbians standing on the right side of the room. I had to decline an invitation from my friend Lisa during that trip to go to another poetry reading. I had told her to meet...

A long period of my adult years were spent living in a little apartment above from my parents, if you want to call it that. Granted, it had two bedrooms, two living rooms an office, plus a full bathroom, but when you walked downstairs, it was lacking a door to separate the two sections in order to make it officially private. There was a huge deck that overlooked three neighboring towns and a lake which was breathtaking. The fact that I’m pretty close with my parents, and best friends with my mom made it that much nicer. The only problem or, (problems) were that #1. My parents both smoke like chimneys, which made it difficult in the winter when my asthma flared up and #2. My mother never really took my writing seriously. She thought freelance work was something retired people did - not for someone in their late twenties begging publishing houses to at least read their manuscripts. But it was okay for a while. It helped a great deal to stay home for a while and save some money as w...

Maybe it’s the reflux problem I’m having, but people are annoying me more than ever lately. I do realize that I get very irritable when I feel sick or extremely tired, but sometimes, there is just no excuse for certain individuals. I’m going to start with dipshit #1. There is this guy that works for our management office who is absolutely bizarre and traveling along his own world. He’s about 60 years old or so, kind of muscular but a bit ratty looking. He arrives at the office about 7am with heavy gangster music blasting from his Dodge Durango. The man has white hair for the love of God and appears to be either Irish or ---just really white. Anyway, aside from my judgmental views of him, I’m watching him take a broom and push the water off the walkway that leads into management office. As he’s pushing the water aside, the heavy rain is falling back down to replace it all. I feel like opening my window right now and yelling down some a few choice words. Go inside and listen to yo...