Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Yep, that’s me and the runaway bride. She decided to get married after all. (Sorry Maria, had to put that picture up there---the resemblance is uncanny, isn't it? I still think you're prettier than Jennifer Wilbanks though!)
The wedding was a blast and the after party was just as good. I was just so thrilled to see my girl get married. She’s finally happy and it shows.
There were many interesting moments that I have to keep to myself. Although I would love to share these unique stories, I have to keep my big fat mouth shut due to respect and…umm…that some of these people now have my blog address. Lips are sealed! I will say one thing—I have never seen so much fun and laughter, as well as drama and turmoil in one night.
I can mention the bathroom situation though. Yes, it was clean, however, at the end of the night, there were vodka and tonics sitting on the toilet bowl with diluted iced cubes, toilet paper sprawled out all over the floor and plenty of women crammed into one stall doing God knows what.
I’m happy to report I got my butt pinched by a cute girl. I also slow danced with another girl I didn’t know at the after party. (Madelene knew these girls had their beer goggles on as well as their ‘experimental treat ya like a guinea pig’ type of closet bi-sexual groove on.) I was asked out numerous times by 'ex-football player frat boy types' who were too drunk to even stand. Lovely. I think they were strays. Who knows.
There were people there that I haven’t seen in years; people from my high school. I was a bit nervous to see them all—but when I did see them, it was like as if we never parted. I’ve actually made plans with all of them, and happy to say they’re back in my lives again.
This is my friend Steph that I haven't seen since I was eighteen years old. We used to hang out all the time and hang out at the same bar at least three or four times per week. Fake ids are great! Steph had many, many men after her that evening. Sometimes things just never change!This is my friend Bill. I met him when I was sixteen years old. We would always hang out partying in his huge basement listening to classic rock, playing guitar and betting on tequila shots with many games of pool. This is my old buddy Patty and her boyfriend. I've known her since I was fifteen years old. Every morning before school we would smoke a joint and giggle our way through the day. I had so many memories with this girl that it's unreal. Whenever we get together it's nonstop laughter. She's a wonderful person and I'm glad that we are back in touch.
Now that the party has ended and Maria and her husband Chris are basking in the Jamaica sun—I’m off to go on a vacation myself. I will be away for a full week starting tomorrow and I’ll be back with many disturbing pictures, as well as some fun stories to share.
See you soon...
WARNING: When I come back from vacation, I will have a very special guest blogger writing a post on my blog. You all know her as Dani from Generation X-Pose. She's going to give her input and how the both of us came together to discuss our differences in our beliefs of Christianity. Come back next week to check it out--it should be very interesting. It'll be fun to see how God works through two Christians who have completely different viewpoints. Thanks Dani!
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Maria came up to me and said hello. We started talking and telling one another what our plans were for the weekend.
“Well, I’m going to this big party tonight! You should go!” Maria said.
“Really? I would love to, but my boyfriend is holding this huge party at his house tonight.”
“Oh, who’s your boyfriend?” Maria asked.
“Rob???” Maria screeched, “That’s the party I’m going to!”
We ended up making plans to meet one another. She even slept over my house because I told her my curfew was pretty much lenient. It was as if I found a sister I never knew I had before. The both of us found ourselves spending the afternoons after school together, going to parties together and developing our own little circle of friends. The parties were nonstop. We held our own parties at my house and had such a blast. We created so many memories!
Maria and I even went to the prom together with our dates. My date ironically enough was gay. Back then he didn’t know I was gay, and I didn’t know he was gay. We found out recently that the both of us worked for the other team. I knew there was something a little feminine about him when he started dancing like showgirl. He was a great guy—and still is.
My friend Maria has seen me through heartaches and was there for me each time. I’ve seen her go through her share too, and always ran to her side when she was hurting. After all these years of being friends, we’ve never fought. I think we had a little disagreement once---but that was it.
Maria was one of the first people I 'came out' to. She accepted me as is and didn’t even flinch when she heard the news that I was gay. She didn’t think I was going to pursue her, nor did she think I was some sort of freak. She was never embarrassed of me. Everything was still the same. When some of my other friends backed away from me due to my decision to come out, Maria was still there like she was before. You really know who your true friends are during those times; and Maria is definitely one of them.
Later on during the years (current times), we sometimes would drift apart for a few months, but when we do connect again, it’s as if no time has lapsed over. It’s one of those friendships where you always know that you’ll be in one another’s lives no matter what.
So, I’m making a toast to her on my blog today. At 4pm, I’ll probably be crying my eyes out watching my childhood friend get married—and finally have the happiness she deserves.
Maria, I love you with all my heart. There is nothing better than seeing you happy. I wish love, happiness, health and prosperity for you. I hope your life is full of laughter and joy. I pray that your marriage is full of passion and unconditional love—you deserve only that. You’re an incredible woman who needs to be treated with respect and honor. I’m hoping your years ahead will be fulfilling. If you have children, I know without a doubt in my mind that they’ll have the love that they need through you and Chris. The both of you are amazing people and I’m so excited to see you two exchange vows.
See you at 4pm. I’ll be the one blowing my nose like a trumpet trying to hide my tears! I love you! Congratulations!!!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
When you do something wrong, you generally feel it in your gut; you know it’s not good. It’s whether or not that your conscience lets you stop what you’re doing in order to not let it be a ‘sin’. I believe that your conscience is a gift from God. Not one person is this world can say, “Well that’s a sin and that’s wrong!” No one has that right to point that out to you, unless you are hurting another individual.
Be careful how you live among your unbelieving neighbors. Even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will believe and give honor to God when he comes to judge the world. ~1 Peter 2:12
Let them accuse you. Let them throw the first stone. Let them see you live in love---watch how they suffer in their own ugliness of jealousy. This post is dedicated to Miranda. I think she saw the wrath and hatred that comes from a certain blogger. The behavior that this lady has shown throughout her blog and throughout my own blog, shows nothing but hate and ugliness. What makes a person focus so much on other people’s lifestyles? Miranda has been with the same woman for 4 years. Her love for her partner is unconditional and it’s evident that she’s happy. Why would anyone want to make another human being feel sad about their love for someone? If ‘you’ think it’s wrong, remain quiet and let God be the judge.
There are people who claim they are ‘righteous’. I would love to meet that person.
Righteous: Morally upright; without guilt or sin.
Who is without sin in their lives? We all live in our physical nature. Our physical nature goes against our spirit. We are flawed, but in my beliefs, this is why Jesus died on the cross for us. He saw how we were when He came down to earth. And for that, He died for us. I’ve accepted that. Some people are still stuck in this ‘holier than thou’ stance and feel the need to judge and ridicule everyone who isn’t living perfectly to the written law. No one lives perfectly to the law. We’re only human.
It’s perfectly fine if you are in a discussion and say, “Well I feel this is wrong.” That’s okay. That’s your belief’. Then you have people who feel the need to insult you for your lifestyle. “Well you’re a pervert! You’re a homo! You’re faggot and God hates faggots!” That’s not encouraging; that’s called hatred. To me, it shows me a person who is completely unhappy with him/herself.
God is all loving. God doesn’t hate His children. If my own father and mother accepted me—then what makes this person think that God can’t? It sounds absurd. There are many people in the world that hate to see other people live happy lives. Some people live a life to only please others. How sad. Why can’t we all be happy—yet be happy for everyone else as well?
If anyone says, “I am living in the light,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is still living in darkness. Anyone who loves other Christians is living in the light and does not cause anyone to stumble. Anyone who hates a Christian brother or sister is living and walking in darkness. Such a person is lost, having been blinded by the darkness. ~1 John 9:11
I know this focuses on Christians. I apply it to people of other faiths as well. I don’t hate anyone of a different faith—I respect it. But as a Christian, I find that a lot of my ‘so called’ fellow Christian believers are full of hatred and anger. I even have to say, that the Buddhists teach a great doctrine. It’s all about love—how we are all one. It sends a positive message. I think Christianity sends a positive message, but many people ruin it; trying to make the bible and what it says full of hate and wrath. It’s a shame that people have to go to that extreme to make other people feel sad. They give Christianity a bad name and make us look threatening and unloving.
Maybe one day we can all walk in love; we can all find happiness that resides in our heart instead of pointing out each other's flaws.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
It’s the way you look at me when you have something on your mind. It’s the way your smile warms my heart. I can read you; I can feel you; I know you. I feel safe with you. You encourage me and most of all, you inspire me. You make me believe I can do anything—even if it seems impossible. Your amazing ability to reach me on every level is astounding. You’re amazing. Every day I learn something new about you. Each day I wonder what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, how you’re feeling and excited to see and hear from you. The anticipation is overwhelming.
Completely overtaken by your beauty, you seem to captivate me with your intelligence and deeper level of understanding. You’re the whole package. You’re entire being is peaceful, tranquil and yet exciting. The desire to be next to you is strong. The desire to understand how someone can be so perfect is unfathomable. I can only thank God for sending me you. I consider myself to be very lucky, as sometimes I feel bad that you got the short end of the stick. You then reassure me that “I’m okay”, and you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to.
I trust you. I never trusted anyone before. I trust you with my secrets, my dreams and myself. I’m not afraid to be ‘me’ when I’m around you. You accept me with all my flaws. My humor doesn’t scare you and my sarcasm doesn’t send you running away from me. You laugh at my dumb jokes, and make me feel important. I’m always priority. You drop everything for me—and I appreciate that. You can have a million important tasks in front of you, and yet choose to focus on me and my frivolous chatter.
You inspire me. I love all your new ideas and the way you view the world. The glass is always half full. Your positive energy releases upon me and makes me feel whole again. Your spirit is alive with laughter, kindness and love—all the ingredients for ‘the perfect one’. I can’t find a flaw in you. I tried. What is it that makes you so perfect? Why haven’t I found you sooner?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Mom’s meatballs are out of this world. It’s like a chip; can’t stop at just one. Her meatballs cure all. If you have a headache—“Here have a meatball…” If you’re sad, “Here have a meatball…” Even if you have a stomach ache—“Here have a meatball!”
This stuff is magic! And, it really does work. Did mom mess with our minds? Did she psychologically put a spell on us to love her food? Did she come into our rooms at night to put subliminal messages into our dreams?
“You will love my meatballs…You will love my meatballs…You will love my meatballs…”
Even her meatloaf is to die for. I always heard my friends say, “Ew! Meatloaf? That’s disgusting! I hate meatloaf…” And I always thought, “WHY?” Mom made her meatloaf stuffed with spinach, mozzarella and mushrooms. Her ingredients for the meatloaf, was much like a meatball loaded with garlic and other herbs to make it delicious.
Mom’s busted. (And so are my damn pants!) She’s been caught red handed. I walked up to her while she was cooking and realized what her secret ingredient is.
Quick start to getting your first angioplasty! Need a triple bypass? Have a meatball! Need that artery a little wider? Just have a meatball!
See how this works?
All this time I thought she was just using what ‘was there’. After she cooks her food, she removes the bacon strips from the delicious meatloaf or meatballs.
Okay, let’s even discuss grandma and her techniques. Pure lard. She even used to cook pig fat—yes—I said PIG FAT—and threw those puppies into her gravy. (Italian sauce to those Italian Americans) Just the thought of biting into a piece of fat makes my arteries clog up. It’s bad enough eating red meat—no less add a ton of lard or bacon fat to enhance the taste.
Issue #1. Weight Watcher’s is key to living in an Italian household.
Issue #2. You best buy a treadmill ON location
Issue #3. Must join a gym.
Issue #4. You’ll never win. Your pants size will increase along with your cholesterol levels.
Ironically enough, one of my sisters works for the cath lab in a big hospital. She runs the entire department and specializes in heart related procedures. Well thank God! We’re going to need someone to call on the spot.
The other day, I called her at work.
“Hello, cath lab, how can I help you?”
“I’m having a heart attack!!!” I scream into her ear like a maniac.
“Debbie! You’re an idiot.” I mean, come on, living in the same quarters as mom and dad—how can she not know that my heart is at risk here?
My parents make fun of me. During the week, I’m all about the rabbit food. I only eat salads, slim fasts, and fish. I'm usually on a health kick during the week. The weekends are full of mom’s goodies. I can’t deny myself a little treat here and there. The thing that gets me is, my parents can eat anything they want, smoke as much as they can, and never have a bit of trouble with their health. (Which I am grateful for…) However, my father’s cholesterol is lower than mine! What the *&@#??? I work out often, eat right during the week and then become human again on the weekends. So what gives?
You can always find me at the local cardiologist getting my EKG and echocardiograms. I have a few cardiologists—just in case one fails to notice a slight problem in the readings.
“You’re good Deb!” They always say. “Everything looks just fine.”
I walk out with a seal of ‘good health’ and start back up with my hypochondriac manias. My many trips to the emergency room involve chest pains. It’s usually a huge ball of gas enlarged behind my ribcage making me think it’s my heart. That’s when my girlfriend runs for the hills and sleeps in the living room during these times. She doesn’t want to ‘be there’ while my chest pains decrease if you catch my drift. Not that you would want to catch my drift. Not pleasant.
“Oh it’s all that roughage you eat during the week that makes you so gassy Deb!” My mother says, as she prepares her Sunday gravy.
“Ma, whaddam’ I supposed to do—ignore chest pains?”
“Oh it’s awl’ in your head! We use nuttin' but olive erl!”
“Grease and fat keeps ya pipes clean kiddo! The doctas’ got it awl wrong! The smoke keeps me goin’ like a bulldoza’!” Dad pipes in with his tips on health.
My sister Carla is like the fat patrol of the house. She once came into the house and cleaned everything that was bad in her eyes. A package full of bacon was thrown into the pile, along with packs of sausage links, kielbasa, and heavy cream.
“This is it! I’m gonna commit you two!” My sister yells out from behind the refrigerator door, as she’s flinging precious meats into the ‘to be thrown out’ pile.
I will say this, my parents, their parents, and my great grandparents all lived well into their nineties with a fulfilling life full of family, friends and tons of love. Each dinner was made with these ingredients: love and happiness. The worst thing I’ve noticed about foods today are the growth hormones and steroids used to produce big chickens or enhance whatever foods are meager. Preservatives and other junk to keep our foods fresh are destroying our lifespan more than anything. Back then, when my grandparents were occupying the kitchen, it was much different. It was a different time; a different type of food. They’re food was fresh—not preserved. They used to grab their chickens right off a hook from one of their Italian delis. My other relatives used to grab a live chicken in the back of their homes if they wanted dinner. All they needed was a tree stump and an ax. That’s as fresh as it gets. Does it sit well with me? No. I’m used to the traditional Perdue chickies and the good ol’ cuts I get from the butcher.
My motto is, exercise for health—and not for weight loss. (Of course keeping it down is great.) The idea is keeping the ticker in check before keeping the numbers on the scale to a minimum. Cholesterol will kill you faster than weight will. I guess it goes hand-in-hand sometimes. They did a study on who’s healthier—people who have more weight on them with a lower level of cholesterol, or people who are thinner, with an elevated amount of cholesterol. Studies indicated that the ‘thinner’ people with higher levels of cholesterol were at more of a risk.
Another risk of heart attacks and strokes is stress. Having a huge amount of stress will take away years from your life. I know stress and tension are hard to avoid, but it’s a sure way to your blood pressure up. People who tend to have a bad temper or worry often will find themselves with more health problems. Worrying about frivolous matters to big things is normal. It’s human nature. I always worry with the amount of panic attacks I get. I often wonder about my health and my wellbeing due to anxiety alone.
And the one thing I have noticed about my parents in regards to health is that they love life—they don’t have anxiety attacks or worry about things that wouldn’t matter two years from now. They always ask me, “What’s an anxiety attack?” I wish I didn’t know what one was. All the vegetables and low fat foods in the world isn’t going to save me from having a heart attack—it’s living a life with less stress and more love that’ll increase my years.
I guess I need to learn from my parents a little more.
Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat well, drink a good glass of wine, and enjoy their work—whatever they do under the sun—for however long God lets them live.
And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—that is indeed a gift from God. People who do this rarely look with sorrow on the past, for God has given them reasons for joy. ~Ecclesiastes 5:18-20
Saturday, May 13, 2006
It started out nice. We were pacing ourselves, socializing and just having a great time. Here’s my friends Jodie and Brianna. They called me up last night and said, “Deb, come on out.” And I never hardly go out on Friday evenings because Madelene has to get up for work early the next day—so Saturday is our out night. Bri was very convincing though. I went by myself to head all the way upstate to join the gang. I think Bri hit the sauce a little earlier in the evening--but that's okay--we won't say a word.
Umm… Bartender! Bartender! Can you stop drinking for five minutes and bring me a beer please? Now I’ve heard of taking a few swings here and there while tending bar, but this girl was ripe. She was ready to party on the job. I was ready with my camera and luckily got a few nice shots of this beauty (even though she looks as though someone viciously attacked her in this shot—she's still a looker.) All the guys in the background over there were really, really thirsty. After her shift, she flew over to the dance floor to work off some of that lethal potion she was taking shots of. So here’s the deal. This bar generates a lot of gay clientele. We have a mix at this place since Alyssa and her band drum up a good crowd. The girl in the blue was doing some sort of tribal dance I wasn't familiar with. And yes, that is a girl on the left.
Alyssa and her band rocked! This girl shouldn't be doing bar gigs, she should be selling millions with that voice of hers. She's not only a talented singer and guitarist; she entertains the crowd with her raw and cynical sense of humor.The night’s never complete without your fill of Jack Daniel’s apparel. Just when I thought Alyssa was original and ‘unique’ for wearing this, I saw another person walk into the bar with the same shirt on. It’s like prom night all over again when another girl is wearing the same dress as you.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
For a lot of us, it’s difficult to trust someone. ‘Well, I’ve heard this story before and it all sounds the same to me’ kind of attitude. Why are we placing blame on the person we’re currently with? Why do we expect everyone that comes into our lives to hurt us? Is it a self-defense mechanism? Or do we choose to close ourselves up and let no one in?
I built a huge wall when I was younger. I was devastated by a woman whom I was deeply in love with. The pain was so intense, that I nearly shut down and became emotionless. My relationships were unstable and unpredictable due to my lack of trust for anyone. This even trickled over into my friendships and relationships with my family. It was almost as if I was paranoid. “They're out to get me!” Someone I cared for and loved intentionally hurt me. I don’t know why she did this, or what her motive was, but it hurt. I forgave her, and moved on with my life, but the memories are still there. They've faded out like a scar from the past.
My pain turned into other people’s problems. I’m talking about the people I got involved with afterwards. I lied, I cheated and I treated some people in my life unfairly. They got the wrath of my resentment and pain from the past. Did I do this intentionally? Not to my knowledge, but looking back it was done because of what I went through. I held a shield up to protect me and kept a sword on my side at all times in case I needed to inflict emotional pain upon someone who 'I thought' deserved it. My behavior and jealousy rages were a force to be reckoned with. I was a complete mess. I also hurt a few people that never deserved to be in that position to begin with. For that, I am sorry.
And no, this is not an AA 12 step program apology—so get that right out of your little noggins right now. This is, however, an apology to those I have been with either on a friendship level or an intimate level, to whom I hurt emotionally. I’m not blaming my behavior on the people of my past. I’m blaming my behavior due to the lack of maturity on my part for not deciphering the difference between other people’s actions, and the way I handled each situation. ‘You’ had nothing to do with it. My reckless behavior may have hurt ‘you’, but it hurt me more in the end. My intentions were not to destroy your level of trust for the people in your life. Even though I piled on the bricks and layered that wall nice and thick so that no one else could penetrate it—you still have the ability to knock it down. I’m not saying to let down your guard; I’m simply stating that not everyone is ‘me’.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I’m not your typical ‘girl’ who loves to shop for clothes. I absolutely hate it. The worst part of it is trying things on. The funhouse mirrors and the bad lighting is enough to make me cringe. I went to the mall the other day because I needed new clothes for this year. I tried on some cargo pants, because they’re great for walking on the beach. You can carry everything in those little pockets, from money, gum, and lipstick, to credit cards, compact mirror and a flask of Ketel One—just in case.
So here I am trying these new cargos on. They were a weird blue camouflage capri-style that I fell in love with. I walk into the dressing room with two pairs of different sizes and a few tops. The pants fell just right above my crotch. My hoo hoo was practically waving hello. God forbid I went to sit down! My whole bum would be out on display. I do not have a top to compensate for the missed sections where the material belongs. I’m no longer 20 yrs old, and I cannot wear something that reveals my midriff, because that would be so wrong. I then read the tag on the pants that say, “Ultra ultra ultra low riders”. Oh no—these go back on the rack along with the other teeny-bopper pants. My six pack abs turned into a keg of beer. Not that I’m going to bust out in a pair of pants that go up to my neck or anything.
Zilch. That’s what I walked out with. Of course they have all the ‘dressy’ clothes that are appropriate for my age range, but as soon as I want to get into the fun clothes, the crotch is missing. So then I head into my favorite section—the shoe department. You really can’t go wrong here. Or can you?... I know different styles come and go, but jellies? I had no clue they were back in. I don’t care if everybody and their mutha are wearing these God awful sandals—I’m not one of them. I want my wedged strappy sandals with an opened toe. I want stylish semi-platform flip-flops to walk around on vacation. No, they had none of these here. They had awful looking shoes that my grandmother would wear—the type of shoes you would dye for a wedding. Those. They had whites, beiges, and pinks. What the %$*&???
After hours of dragging our asses all over the mall, we get sucked into some Israeli salesman trying to lure us into his midsection stand. You know, those little stores in the middle of the mall? Anyway, he was selling quick and easy manicure kits with various lotions and other neat stuff. You didn’t need any nail polish or anything to make your nails look shiny and just painted. I was sold on the idea.
“You ask me how dees’ work.” The nice man says.
“How does this work?” I gave into his stupid infomercial game. He starts giving me a free manicure right there—and then starts rubbing my hands with some salty weird concoction.
“You put dees’ on leek’ dat—and den’ you see shine! Ask me why!” He begs me for questioning.
“Why?” I said, trying to appease him.
“Because eetz’ made from pure seawater residue dat’ leaves your hands nice and smooth and your nails nice and shiny! Ask me how much!”
“$29.99! Yes yes???”
“Yes yes.” I said, as he threw me a bag of tricks full of manicure tools and lotions. Ah well, at least I bought something.
“Now here are some extra lotions dat’ I have available too! Yes yes???”
“No no. Thank you though—I appreciate everything.” I said, as we shuffled away from the excitable Israeli man with my packaged goods.
Now I have no idea if any of you go through this. I know Mike works at a store in the mall and knows that each mall everywhere has one of these highly excitable Israelis luring people into the midsection. What baffles me are the thug-like guys sitting down at the Nextel stations waiting for their customers to pile on top of their stand. They don’t even make eye contact with you. All you hear is, “bleep bleep bleep” coming from their paging systems. I always have to run over there to buy a new accessory to my Nextel phone, or pick up an extra phone case. It’s like they don’t even want to make a sale. They just stare at you and let you rummage through their tons of freaky little blinking antennas and pimped out phone covers. (So not what I need—just as bad as the pants that showed my crotch.)
The best part about going into the mall is ending up at Ruby Tuesday’s drinking your shopping blues away. That’s the only thing that keeps me motivated to shop these days. Now I have to go through this again tomorrow evening with Madelene, because time’s running out and I desperately need clothes for vacation. God help me find something! And that’s as religious as this post gets today.
From the comment section:
We have a winner! Asa has taken on the job to be my personal shopping assistant. Her qualifications range from being a beautiful & intelligent Swedish woman with a great sense of style. Her love for Ketel One is another perk that will only benefit from this outing. Thank you Asa, for applying for the job. Please visit Asa's site and say hello! She's an incredible writer--and a woman I *cannot* have--she plays for the other team. She's easy on the eyes, right guys? Maybe after the Ketel One martinis kick in, she'll change her mind...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
“Oh come on! Stop with that tawk! She’s not writing that crap in there!” My mother yells from the kitchen.
“Whaddya’ tawkin’ about??? This’ll be a top sella’ if she goes tru’ wit’ dis—whaddya’ crazy or sumptin’? Dese’ are all true stories I’m tellin’ ya here!” My father yells out from the living room back over to my mom.
My question is, if I display all of his stories in my book—would some wise guy find it? And if they did, would they come after me? Would I reveal someone’s deep dark hidden secret and have them rush over to where I live with two big cement shoes, and then drive me over to the Hudson River for a nice casual swim? It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Another concern is, my father has millions of stories. How do I even attempt to gather all of those up and place them in a book and attempt to call it ‘my own’? He’s already thinking up names of the book.
“Dad, I don’t even know how to start with this book.”
“Whaddya’ mean? You start with how I started workin’ at da’fish market down in South Street Seaport in Manhattan when I was justa' kid. I hadda’ collect money from da’stores for a percentage. I dought’ it was okay until some guy grabbed me to drive a tractor trailer full of bagged up meats into a butcher shop wit’ no name. You can call it, ‘Life in an Organized Mess.'"
It was messy alright. I had no clue why this happened, or why ‘that’ happened. All I know is, if you ever get your meat from a butcher, keep in mind what might go through those grinders. I think my dad’s the culprit of my nightmares. I'm making him pay for all my therapy bills.
“Ma! Are these real stories or is he taking too much medication?”
“I don’t remember a thing!” She pipes back. Figures.
“Listen to me! You tell dem’ about the excavation business and how the garbage companies participated in the ‘clean up’ as well as the laundering.”
“Dad! Your excavation business is still going strong--are you crazy? You really want me to put that in the book?”
“Why not? Dis’ is all from da’ past and I’ve already been indicted for these things. I did my time.”
He was right. He did his time in a Federal Pen and now back on track with his excavation business. What’s wrong with this picture?
There’s not a doubt in my mind that most of these stories are comical, but there are stories that are just full of gore. I am not sure I am over the trauma of watching my parents get arrested to begin with. They were all ‘hush hush’ before the arrest, and now my father wants to tell the world his story.
I wonder if his story will become my story. If you see my face on a milk carton, you’ll know why.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
No matter how you lose someone--through a death or through a break up, it’s never easy. For me, it’s a constant battle of obsessive thought patterns. Redundant questions being asked over and over. “Why did they leave? Why did God take them so fast? What did I do to make him/her go away?” Things like that will probably never be answered, but I know that it takes a conscious effort to stop those thought patterns and conclude it with, “There’s a reason for everything.”
Why do some people waste three years with someone to just let them go, and others lose their loved ones after fifty years without their proper goodbyes? No one knows the answer to all of this. People go through emotions from sadness, anger, to forgiveness and contentment. “Time heals all.” It’s been said probably a million times. Of course with time, everything seems to fade. You drink too much one night, and no amount of coffee will sober you up. Only ‘time’ will sober you up. You have a nightmare, and when you wake up, it feels as though you’re still living in it. After some ‘time’ wears off during the day, you seem to forget that dream, right? I guess it’s the same with all things.
Why do we focus on what’s not there, instead of the things we already have? Do we take things for granted? Then you have that old saying, “You never know what you got until it’s gone.” Maybe we just took it for granted, maybe we just neglected to realize how important that person was to us? Whatever the reason is, it literally cannot be explained, because each individual has their own story to tell. Each person has their reasons on why the relationship ended, or why their loved ones passed over way too early before their time.
“God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” ~Ecclesiastes 3:11
We never look at the ‘big picture’; we only see what’s right in front of us sometimes. It’s a normal human reaction that we’re comfortable with. How can we see the whole scope, when it’s not visible? Some people even lose faith in God, because something happened in their life that discouraged their beliefs in knowing that there’s a greater power out there.
“How can God let this happen? Why me?”
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.” ~Romans 5:3-4
Is it all a learning process? Is life one big learning experience? When we stumble and fall, the next five stumbles after that, we’ll learn how to pick ourselves back up quicker—and much more easily.
Or do we?
This week has been a challenging one for me. A girl I went to school with recently passed over last weekend from an accidental overdose of alcohol. She was 34 years old, leaving behind her husband and a five year old son. I was close with her sister and knew them since I was five years old.
All week, I’ve been having nightmares. Most of the time, I can’t even sleep. My thoughts have been racing constantly about life in general. It even hit home for me as well. How many nights have I dabbled way too much in alcohol, waking up with a miserable hangover? Of course the hangover stories are always funny—trying to conjure up the best bloody mary remedy, but in reality, ‘in my mind’, the same thing could happen to me—or anyone. It just takes one bad night.
My thought patterns flipped over into a break up I went through back in 2003. I literally lost someone I loved through separation. It took approximately two years to get over that. At first, I was devastated. I was in a self-destructive mode and drank myself into oblivion. I then started writing in a journal. That journal turned into my book that I recently released. It was therapeutic, but most of all, going to God with my problems helped me more than anything.
“’My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9
God works best when we are weak. Sometimes we need to crash and burn before we can repair ourselves and rebuild a better foundation. Still at times, I find myself thinking about lost loved ones and the girl that I broke up with back in 2003. After a couple of years, we still continued to talk, but it was different; uncomfortable due to circumstances. It wasn’t meant for us to be together—and maybe it wasn’t meant for us to be in one another’s lives. I’ll always have a little dent in my heart for her, but it’s more like a fading scar that I’m pretty much used to—and it doesn’t bother me that it’s there. I’m glad it is. It shows how much I loved this person at one time.
Now, for a good laugh, after those past posts about homsexuality and if it's a perversion--the big debates that have been going on, please, I encourage you to head over to CP's blog and check out what she has to say about this. It's hysterical. Her humor is awesome and it's enough to get anybody out of a depression! Thank you CP! I appreciate your words of support and the email you sent over to me. You're an incredible woman!
Note to my readers:
I realize my posts have been a bit on the 'down side' and I have received numerous emails of concern which I appreciate guys! Really, I think it's great that there are such caring people out there. I've been a little down (as you all noticed) and this post kind of tells you where my head was at. The death of the girl who I went to school with posed many questions in my head. I'll be back to normal in no time... I just need a mental break from everything. Thanks for all the caring emails and greeting cards that I've received. You're the best!
Friday, May 05, 2006
“Everyone who believes in Him is freed from all guilt and declared rigt with God—something the Jewish law (Old Testament) could never do.” ~Acts 13:39
I was watching a documentary "All Aboard! Rosie's Family Cruise," and was happy to see so many gay families attend this cruise. It focused on the lives of children who were brought up in gay & lesbian households. These children and young adults were all wiser beyond their years. They had so much clarity and acceptance towards everyone. The families would get together and talk about the trials they endured while adopting or going through artificial insemination in order to create a family, as well as how the children coped with others who were opposed to it.
They created an environment that enabled them to share their story and how they handled outsiders' point of views of their lifestyle. They held meetings and support groups on this cruise, and it was so interesting what they all had to say and what they went through. They also demonstrated how much love they had for one another as a family. It was amazing.
While stopping on an island, these two men who were about to exchange vows went into a jeweler to look at rings along with their 7 year old son.
The jeweler asked, “So you’re looking for wedding bands?”
“Yes, I’m getting married this week, and I want my son to help me pick it out.”
“Oh how nice! And what are you going to pick out for your mommy?” The jeweler ask, (automatically assuming that it was a heterosexual couple tying the knot.)
“I don’t have a mommy.” the boy says sheepishly.
“Well then, what do you have?”
“I have a daddy and a daddy.”
The father hugged his son. The jeweler just looked at him, and backed up in embarrassment. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know—he just wasn’t exposed to that kind of lifestyle. A lot of people would have given the same reaction.
As they docked the boat over in the Bahamas, they were greeted with radical pseudo-Christians who were holding a rally against the homosexuals stepping foot on their island.
They all chanted, “NO!...NO!...NO!...” while holding up picket signs that spewed hatred and resentment towards the gay community and their families. Some parents had to cover the eyes of their children as they walked off the boat so they wouldn’t have to witness this sort of thing. Other parents didn’t have to; their kids were already exposed to this kind of treatment by extremists.
“Yes, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. But evil people and impostors will flourish. They will go on deceiving others, and they themselves will be deceived.” ~2 Timothy 3:12
Homosexual families will continue to endure this unfair treatment by people who claim to be perfect; people who claim that Jesus is their Lord. But let me ask you, would Jesus want these radicals to lash out at others? Would you see Jesus in a rally holding picket signs of hatred and resentment towards His own people?
No…Because Jesus “is” love. God is love. If you treat one of his children with hatred---whether being judgmental or criticizing one another; it’s still looked down upon by God.
Don’t speak evil against each other, my dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize each other and condemn each other, then you are criticizing and condemning God’s law. But you are not a judge who can decide whether the law is right or wrong. Your job is to obey it. God alone, who made the law, can rightly judge among us. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to condemn your neighbor? ~James 4:11-12
Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, “Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,” when you can’t see past the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. ~Matthew 7:5
Theologians and bible thumping radicals will always try to make you feel bad for whatever your sin is. They will consistently bash you and say it’s of God’s work. I would like to think that my God is an ‘all loving’ God who has forgiven me for my sins. I’d hope that the God that I worship is a God that’s merciful, and not full of hate and prejudice towards his children.
"Love One Another"
“If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to eternal life. But a person who has no love is still dead. Anyone who hates another Christian is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them. We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us.” 1 John 3:14-16
“Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions. It is by our actions that we know we are living in the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before the Lord, even if our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:18-20
“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God—for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. There is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love has been brought to full expression through us.” 1 John 4:7-12
It’s absolutely crazy to see so many radical pseudo-Christians prancing around displaying hatred towards the gay and lesbian community—as well as their families. It’s a disgrace which shows no sign of love.
To me, this is not what God wants. I was called a ‘mocker’ for loving Christ, and living with my partner who I love for twelve years. Dani, was appalled by this, and said that I mocked God by loving Him with all my heart and professing that He is my Savior, when I love another person of the same gender. Why would anybody care ‘who’ I love? If I had children, would they terrorize them? Would they torture them with hateful words and call them sinners?
I just want to say how bad I felt for those families that walked off that ship into a pool of angry protesters. Who are they to judge us? Who are they to even criticize us for our lifestyle when they have their own issues to tend with?
Ironically enough, the person who says you’re a pervert for being gay will go back home, do her drugs and neglect her kids. Do we judge her? ..No. But she’ll be back out there in the picket lines protesting against the gay and lesbian communities calling it ‘walking in love’.
Please visit Julia Booth on her thoughts about Christianity and the way she views what it means to be a loving Christian. The post is called, "Myths About Christianity". It's a thought provoking post that's well written and very articulate. Go visit her if you can.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
You left a fairly lengthy comment on my blog back in March about homosexual statistics and for some reason blogger never notified me through email and I just stumbled across it the other day. Generally when someone takes so much time to leave a comment I like to respond, so my apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Thanks for taking the time to comment. In the future, feel free to send me an email directly if I don’t respond in a timely manner. You said that you think these ‘statistics’ are a bit off, because there are many heterosexuals that have had numerous partners…ie: prostitutes, people from broken homes, and other factors. While I don’t know the details of all the statistics, generally speaking I believe the stats are fairly accurate. I will agree with you that many heterosexuals have had numerous partners because I was one of them, and I even contracted STD’s from male partners. I also crossed over into the homosexual lifestyle for a time and participated in orgies and other perversions. But, thankfully through Christ I have been freed from that sinful lifestyle and I am happily married with three children.
Repeatedly, you said that you cannot judge, but Jesus says to “Judge with righteous judgment.” Time and time again Christians are commanded to judge, in fact, there is an entire book called Judges if you recall. Don’t get caught up in the cliché of “Do not judge” as it is not biblical. If you want to read further here is a great commentary => JUDGE RIGHTLY I noticed your attempt to justify your relationship with your “partner” because you didn’t fit into the category ‘of what homosexuals do’ and since you love each other and are committed to each other you think God will accept you. Yes, we all sin, like you stated. We all have had impure thoughts, we have all said a white lie here and there, we have all idolized at one time or another; which is in the category of sinning. But, the Bible is clear about sexual immorality and it has no place in God’s kingdom.You then made several references to symbolic laws in the OT about eating shellfish and women on her menstrual period and equated it as being just as “bad” as being a homosexual. Clearly there is nothing morally wrong about eating shellfish and God instituted those laws for symbolic reasons during that time.
The OT also says, “Do not murder” and “Do not commit adultery” shall we ignore those laws because it was written before Jesus’ time? You said, “If you have discernment, you should realize that the Old Testament is strictly for the time before Jesus. The Old Testament is a good tool for learning the past history of what went on in the beginning of time.”
The Apostle Paul says in 2 Timothy 3:16 -- “All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” You focused heavily on OT verses in an attempt to justify living in sin with your partner, assuming the OT laws about homosexuality are no longer applicable. But, what do you have to say about the verses in the NT that clearly condemn homosexuality? This is what Paul says in Romans 1:18-27 -- “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hinder the truth in unrighteousness…Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools…Wherefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts unto uncleanness, that their bodies should be dishonored among themselves: for that they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever… For this cause God gave them up unto vile passions: for their women changed the natural use into that which is against nature: and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another, men with men working unseemliness, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was due.”
I Corinthians 6:8-10 – “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor HOMOSEXUALS, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.” Further, it is not just homosexuality, it is ALL sexual immorality (fornication, adultery, incest, ect.) Paul warns us again in I Corinthians 6:18-20 – “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
So not only are you sinning against God by fornicating and practicing homosexuality, you are sinning against your own body. In closing you asked, “do you think God is going to throw us ALL in hell?” Well, this is what Jesus says in Revelation 21:8 – “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, SEXUALLY IMMORAL, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” Revelation 22:14-15 – “Blessed are those who do His commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter through the gates into the city. But outside are dogs and sorcerers and SEXUALLY IMMORAL and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie.”
If you truly love God with all your heart like you claim, you should REPENT of your perverted lifestyle and humbly go before God and seek forgiveness. I only say this to you in a spirit of love and respect, in hopes that you will see the Truth and no longer blaspheme the name of our LORD.
I replied back to her. I just find it so sad that these ‘so called Christians’ who walk in love---have so much hate. They focus so much on homosexuality—that they literally forget their relationship with God almost.
My question is to you-----why do you focus so much on homosexuality? Why does it overtake your whole entire relationship with God?
In the Ten Commandments, does it say one thing about thou shall not commit homosexuality? ....No.
What about the seven deadly sins? None focus on homosexuality. Lust comes in both--hetero and homo.
If "you" walk in love, do you seriously think that Jesus would be acting the way you are? Are you trying to be "Christ-like" by judging others? I've noticed that a lot of Christian extremists are full of hate. They are discriminating and they spew hatred for those who are different. Jesus would never do that--nor would He be smiling down on you by your behavior towards the gay community.
9 our of 10 people have had premarrital sex. That alone is a sin. Do you think each and every one of those people are going to hell? Of course not.
To walk in love means to do just that... To be accepting and to love one another regardless of sins. It's to show compassion to those who suffer with sin---which means everybody. We are all suffering on this earth from sin. Our carnal nature vs. the spirit is a constant battle.
Can you throw the first stone?
Remember in the book of John, where the woman was caught in adultery? A crowd brought her to Jesus so she could be stoned. Jesus asked them, "Those of you who have never sinned throw the first stone..." They all scattered away. Not one accuser was able to do this.
Everyone is a sinner. Everyone shares the struggle; you, me, and everybody on this earth.
Walk in love. Try showing some acceptance and try focusing on 'your life' and 'your struggles' instead of trying to hurt people by claiming they live a perverted lifestyle. We are not hurting anyone. Are we hurting you? Have you been hurt by homosexuals? Do they try to hunt you down and kill you? Of course not. Do they say hateful words to you? Have you had a horrible experience with a gay person? What's all the hatred about?
The type of Christianity you follow isn't one that walks in love. It walks in hate. I feel bad for you, because you're more stressed about other people's lifestyle than your own. Do you know that 'hate in your heart' will eventually kill you inside? Do you realize how much hate manifests itself if it's not controlled? And, do you know who plants that seed of hate inside you? ...Satan.
I'll pray for you, because I feel that you have some issues inside your heart you need to deal with. You're probably a great person with a lot of love to give---but that hate will get in the way every time.
I wish you well, and I hope that maybe this will make you see that we're not bad people. We don't want to hurt you, and we don't hate you. Perversion comes in many, many forms. It comes in heterosexual forms, it comes from homosexual forms, and it can come from other horrific forms. I believe my relationship with my partner is a personal one; as well as one that's blessed by God.
Thank you for taking the time out to write to me.
As far as Dani’s questions regarding the New Testament’s laws and what I feel is to be true—I believe that Jesus died for all of us on the cross. He died for all of our sins. He paid the full price. I do believe that if you’re a good person, with a good heart and have compassion for others, then God sees your heart.
Through faith, we are God’s children. Galatians explains it perfectly.
God’s Children Through Faith
"Let me put it in another way. The law was our guardian and teacher to lead us until Christ came. So now, through faith in Christ, we are made right with God. But now that faith in Christ has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian. So you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have been made like him. There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female. For you are ALL Christians—you are one in Christ Jesus. And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and now all the promises God gave to him belong to you." ~Galatians 3:24-29
There is a huge difference between sinning and a sinful heart. Sinning is simply being human. A sinful heart desires to sin – it wants to hurt people and deliberately wants to steal your joy. A human that sins is natural. We repent and have faith in God. We no longer go by the laws of Moses. This is why God gave us His only son. We are freed from the law.
Here… Look at Galatians chapter two verses 17 through 21:
"But what if we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then find out that we are still sinners? Has Christ led us into sin? Of course not! Rather, I make myself guilty if rebuild the old system I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, I realized I could never earn God’s approval. So I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me an gave himself for me. I am not one for those who treats the grace of God as meaningless. For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die."
Pretty huge statement if you think about it. “For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.”
If you constantly live in fear about God’s judgment, then your faith in Jesus isn’t strong. If you truly had faith in Jesus and claimed Him as your Savior, then you would know that the old law doesn’t apply to us anymore. We were bound by the law, but by the grace of God and His sacrifice of His son, we are made right with him. We live in our carnal bodies. We live here on earth, desiring earthly things. But if we have faith that’s strong and true, God isn’t going to just cast you away. God loves you. He knows how hard it is and what challenges we go through here on earth. This is the whole reason Jesus came for us.
I truly feel sad when people make statements such as, “Well, you’re mocking God because you won’t repent and you keep on sinning and claiming Christ as your Savior.” If you really think about it, those people who say that are mocking God by not trusting in Jesus’ death. They don’t feel that Jesus’ death was enough. He paid the price in full. Sometimes I truly believe that one of the main reasons why so many gay and lesbian people change from Christianity to Agnostic or even Atheist is because of discouraging Christians bible thumping judgmental arguments at us. They are constantly attacking us with hateful words. If I saw someone committing adultery, it is none of my business. That is for God to judge---and only God. I don’t hate people who commit adultery or have premarital sex--or whatever their sin may be.
Walking in love means to do ‘just that’… I think it’s awful that these ‘so called Christians’ will discourage so many people trying to please God. If anyone makes a person turn away from God—that alone is a sin. I know some people can state, “Well she’s trying to make you see that being gay is a sin.” Well then I say, focus on your own sins and stop judging others and making them feel horrible about themselves. I’ve seen this with a lot of homosexuals. They even get to the point of suicidal tendencies. Do you really want that?
I’m strong in my faith with God, so nothing is going to tear me down—especially a person who walks in hate. Think about this, you never see a rally against people who lie. You never see a hate rally against premarital sex. You’ll never, ever see a rally against envy. Why are they so focused on us?
"God loved the world so much, that Jesus Christ, God's only begotten Son, was freely given, that WHOSOEVER believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
"It is inevitable that stumbling blocks should come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to stumble." Luke 17: 1-2
"All people will know that you are my disciples if you love one another." John 13:35.
Please visit this website for more information about Gay Christians.
If you all want to see Dani's site about her hatred against homosexuals, visit her blog here.
For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!
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