Living Proof

It must be that time of year, because I constantly keep thinking and talking about my dad a lot. It's only been two years since he passed, yet I sometimes feel like he's still here in a way. I still have those dreams, where I wake up in the dream while meeting him, and I always say, "Is it really you, Dad?" And he quickly motions his hands to come over, "Yeah yeah -- it's really me, hurry!" We have a 10 second "meet time" where we hug and say hello and then it's over just. like. that. Poof. Gone. I wake up almost instantly, either smiling or crying. It depends. I do believe these "meetings" in my dreams are real, because I verify it right in the dream itself. "Is it really you?" Or, "Is this real?" -- Meaning, 'am I really and truly seeing you in my dream as an actual meeting' sort of question. But why for only 10 seconds or less? During Mom's last day of radiation when they made her ring a b...

A long time ago, a friend stated that she couldn’t possibly go to this restaurant I suggested because it reminded her of her ex. It was a bar & grill that I’ve been going to for years. I said to her, “I have had around five exes that I took here, and hell if that’s gonna keep me away.” She just shook her head and said, “I can’t do that. It hurts too much.” Although I completely understand what she meant, I tried sharing how I felt about associating places, people and things. For me, it’s more about associating songs. Maybe I danced to a particular song with an ex or just attached a song reminding me of her. “Places” never did that for me. Any time I visit a place, I disassociate immediately - nothing attached, making it completely new. Some people, after a divorce or live-in situation, throw away all of their furniture (even if it’s pretty new), pictures, or objects in the home that was once shared by them. For me, yes, some of that must go, but if I really like an “object” - I m...

It’s amazing how time flies up into a whirlwind of ‘remember whens’. There are so many ‘it feels like yesterday’ moments and times you’ve had where you’ve completely forgotten it, leaving you with thoughts and memories that haven’t been tapped into for some time. It’s odd to trek into the archive files of your mind to discover things that seem new when they are actually deep within the past. This morning at around 6am, Madelene and I were snuggling in our bed listening to the rainstorm, wishing it was Sunday morning. We started reminiscing... Mornings like these remind us of waking up in Montauk, listening to the waves crash besides the beach house. The entire ground rumbled as each wave made its way onto shore. It was like the ocean’s heartbeat. I remember the first time I had brought my parents over to the house for a vacation. They hadn’t been on a vacation for over 15 years. It was time. To see the look on my father’s face when we arrived to the house was one of the b...

Such things are immaterial: an old lamp that used to sit on my night stand as a teenager growing up that now sheds light upon my office desk and a picture frame given to me by a former friend. There are two antique ships that are hanging on my hallway wall, to remind me how long my parents had them up on their wall at one time. Some things are sentimental and others are just things I’ve brought with me on my way towards the next chapter in my life. Most things in this apartment are new, fresh, without reminders of ‘a time when’. I have had to rid of many things I had owned in order to set my place as “a new start”. Mere objects: simple things like furniture, books or coffee mugs given by someone else that was in your past can conjure up many emotions. Depending on how that person has affected your life, the object may bring certain feelings up to the surface. This time last year I had to purge of many of my belongings that were given to me by other people, so that it no longer hau...

Today it feels like spring. I woke up to the sounds of rain tapping on my windowsill. I miss that sound. My bedroom was dark, the shades were pulled all the way down, and a dim light from the overcast sky sneaked its way in. I was tucked away under my goose down comforter thinking about similar mornings like these. Madelene would be sleeping soundly with her little satin eyeshades. I’d wake her up by tickling her nose with a light cloth or a tissue and she would think it was just an itch. She’d scratch it, wiggle her nose and then she would fall back into a deep slumber. I’d tickler her again, but this time, I’d tickle the soft part of her lips. She’d squish and rub her lips and then fall right back to sleep. I would relentlessly do this until she would wake up and laugh at me. I wanted to spend the morning with her, but at the same time, I wanted her to rest. It was a toss up. I guess the feelings of nostalgia hit me hard this morning. It was nice to hear Madelene’s voice over the ph...