Living Proof

There have been many times where I have met with people of the LGBT community who would say to me, “Well, I used to be Catholic/Christian/Protestant etc., but I wasn’t accepted because I’m gay.” Nobody likes rejection and nobody wants to walk into an establishment (especially a house of God) and feel rejected right when they walk inside. On top of that, because of “people’s” rejections - it automatically sends a message that God Himself rejects them too. And that’s not an easy thing to deal with emotionally. They begin to reject “religion” altogether and either label themselves as “spiritual” or resort to atheism. Usually, there is no offer of another option - no source to guide them to other places that will accept them. Some seek out churches that are more accepting like the Episcopalian churches and others alike. Wherever they are most comfortable is the important thing. Even better if you have a personal relationship with God and are able to pray at home, rather than sit in a pew ...

Lately, I’ve come across something I haven’t in a long time. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been single or dating, or perhaps I just didn’t ‘see’ it or acknowledge the desperate attempts to get me to play the game: the chase. Women are fickle, be it in friendships or in relationships. I know there are women reading this right now that say, “Oh I don’t play that game,” yada yada yada -- and you may be the 1% that doesn’t, however, I have seen this all too often enough to generalize it into a female characteristic. And let me explain... In my ~own~ experience and point of view, there are two types of these women. The first one, we’ll call her Wanda (like that?) -- she’s the type that wants to know where she fits in. In fact, she’ll even ask you, “Where do I fit in?” And of course all of this has everything to do with insecurity issues. She wants to know ‘where she stands’ and to what level of friendship is she considered. It’s not so much as a desperate need for attention or playing game...

Generosity While growing up in my mid-teens or so, my sister and I would sit on the floor of her bedroom and play Rummy 500 for hours at a time. She always won, until one day when she told me her secret. We both knew the rules of the game, but there was a strategy to it. She said, “ Always give up your most important card and you will always win for some reason.” It didn’t make sense to me - why would I want to give up my most important card if I wanted to win? But after losing a million & one times, I tried it. I started giving up my most valuable cards, and in return, I ended up receiving them back and then some. I then started winning. I guess that’s how it is in real life: when you give, you get back in return. And it’s not meant in a selfish way. To genuinely give in real life is rewarding in itself, but to see someone else happy and take joy in seeing that person happy, says a lot about who you are. And yes, it may be a “risk”, just like in Rummy 500 - but it’s a risk that ...

Connecting Most relationships start off with a simple connection, whether it be something in common or a shared interest. Perhaps the drastic differences brought the level of intrigue higher. Whatever the reason was - the connection was made. It’s up to one or two of the person(s) to “keep” the connection, or simply disconnect altogether. There are some people who meet, connect instantly, and then down the road for various reasons, one tries to change the other. For instance, a friend of mine had mentioned that after she had met her significant other, a few months down the road, she was asked to buy more 'feminine type' of clothing. Being the ‘catering’ type that my friend is, she tried her best to even feel comfortable in more of a unisex style. My question is: if you met her that way, why would you want to change her? If you didn’t like what you saw upon first meeting, then why would you continue to pursue that person? Shallow as that may sound, I also have to ask if the desi...

There are many pleasant, uncomplicated friendships that I have with many straight and gay people. It stays “pleasant” and “uncomplicated” for various reasons. For the most part, I prefer to keep my friendships semi-surfaced. Let me explain... Learning from my past, I’m beginning to realize that if I become to close, or perhaps spending too much time with one person, there seems to be more quarrels, disagreements or in rare cases, an underlining beguile that seems to have a great influence over their actions and behaviors. I’m at fault for my personality quirks at times. I’ve been told I’m flirtatious, overly friendly at times with an “assuming” underlining intent. Of course, those assumptions about me were all told by former lovers or very opinionated friends who know me well enough to tell it like it is. My straight friends who I mostly hang out with never ‘go there’ thankfully. They never assume, they never tell me ‘what’s wrong with me’ or ‘what I need to do’ - they just accept me...

There have been devastating disasters all over the world in our history, like Chernobyl, Hindenburg, Pearl Harbor, Katrina, and of course 9/11. ...Too many to list. If you were there, or at least remotely within the location, for whatever reason it impacted us more. We’re human so we fear any disaster on our very own soil. We experience more fear, pain, loss, devastation, sadness. We go through the motions more so than those who are on the other side of the country. ..or world in this case. Think about what’s going on in Japan. Sad, terrifying, surreal. Think about if that was happening right in your own country...your own state ...your own town. It’s hitting home home now, huh? I remember where I was, what I was doing the morning of September 11th: in my office cubical, paralyzed with fear, looking outside my window for the other “missing planes” that they had reported. We were under attack. “WE” were under attack. As a whole, yes, America was under attack, but nobody seems to under...

Reflections of self-loathing or insecurity issues: Why do we blame the people in our lives for what others have done to us in the past? And, not necessarily for the same thing, but by the simple action of transferring ‘unfinished business’, or anger toward someone we’re associating with or dating. I’ve done it, I do it and I may do it again. We have a lot of mistrust, and rightfully so at times. We’ve been burned, we’ve been heartbroken and we’ve been disappointed countless times. You’re nodding... We’ve also put high expectations upon people. High expectations = disappointment. I’ve also found that people who genuinely don’t like themselves very much, are the very people who think everyone is out to get them, or either dislike them for some reason or another. If you come across a person who doesn’t like themselves very much, you’ll immediately think that they don’t like you just by their behavior. They can’t. Just as that expression says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you...

In the past, I used to roll my eyes whenever someone would talk about, “the laws of attraction” or “karma” type of situations where they could place a ‘blame’ on something happening in their lives. Some would chuck it up to luck and others would simply say, “it was all meant to be.” The one cliché that I tend to cringe at, but I somewhat agree with is, “You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.” What about déjà vu? I remember a friend telling me that when déjà vu occurs, it’s a 'scene' that you have already been through in a previous life (perhaps repeating your life again), where the message or purpose is to let you know that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be in your life. It would happen a lot during one point in my life where I questioned it constantly. I still do. I get various answers - too many answers to where I just chuck it up to a ‘faulty memory’. Getting back to the laws of attraction or even karma, I have to say that these past couple of months h...

Truth be told, I can’t tell if this year was better than last, or if ten years ago was all that much better, but I do know that “today” seems paralyzing. Emotionally, I can’t seem to function to where people would like me to. Spiritually, I feel deafened by the words of God. Physically, I feel drained - depleted of all energy, and other days, I can walk or cycle miles at a time, taking all my frustrations out on whatever fuel I have left to work on. I’ve been hypocritical, judgmental and in a state of rage. It’s the person I never wanted to become. Here she is: Cynical. Pessimistic. Depressed. Numb. The black cloud that’s been following me hasn’t quite dissipated yet, or as fast as I would like it to. I expect too much, and often get disappointed with people or situations. I’m up all night with insomnia, because if I do fall asleep, the first seconds of ‘falling’ are interrupted by intense jolts of anxiety, making me gasp for air. My heart races and leaves me awake, listening to the ...