Inner Turbulence

Truth be told, I can’t tell if this year was better than last, or if ten years ago was all that much better, but I do know that “today” seems paralyzing. Emotionally, I can’t seem to function to where people would like me to. Spiritually, I feel deafened by the words of God. Physically, I feel drained - depleted of all energy, and other days, I can walk or cycle miles at a time, taking all my frustrations out on whatever fuel I have left to work on. I’ve been hypocritical, judgmental and in a state of rage. It’s the person I never wanted to become. Here she is: Cynical. Pessimistic. Depressed. Numb. The black cloud that’s been following me hasn’t quite dissipated yet, or as fast as I would like it to. I expect too much, and often get disappointed with people or situations. I’m up all night with insomnia, because if I do fall asleep, the first seconds of ‘falling’ are interrupted by intense jolts of anxiety, making me gasp for air. My heart races and leaves me awake, listening to the clock get louder and louder, until I hear birds outside my window reminding me that it's 6am. In other words, I’m a mess.

Faith hasn’t been lost though. I pray, mediate and feel that God’s working through me, but I need more. In a fit of despair, while praying and praying and not hearing God’s voice - I threw the bible across the room and tried denouncing my religion. It didn’t work though. He forgave me. I’m not sure if I’ve forgiven myself though. My writing has suffered greatly because there is too much static - too much noise to filter out. I can only resort to telling my unwanted opinion about this and that, instead of helping anyone. Perhaps the best thing is to take a little hiatus from writing and focus on myself, but isn’t that being self-centered and indulgent? I just feel as though if I don’t work on myself, I can never help anybody else out there. My entire purpose of this blog was to help others feel confident in their lifestyle, religion and overall being, and of course jot down everyday type of happenings. My documentary is still in progress and I want to have others voice their beliefs and encourage those who are lost and feel rejected by “religious” people, and perhaps God Himself. Maybe right now, I need other people’s voices to help me work through my own inner turbulence.

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