Living Proof

In the past I understood it more. I experienced the feeling of being in the grips of an ultimate control freak, or perhaps, the ‘emotionally kept’ woman who was scared to death to be herself, always wondering when the next explosive emotional time bomb was going to explode and fly off the handles for any given reason. Memories of hiding silly things, such as voice mails from my best friend that could have been interpreted as something else. “Well, why’d she say it like that?” It would always be my fault. I was always in the wrong. I’d end up hiding practically everything around her, including the “real me”. I ended up being someone else and crawled into a shell of fear. Who am I? I had lost myself for a while before I finally realized that the “real me” was dying to emerge from this Stepford Wife that I was created into. I’d find myself lying about the smallest of things, as opposed to the “real me” being very bluntly honest. “This is me, take it or leave it.” I missed that sonnvab...

As per warning label on my bio, my blog can be semi-controversial and sometimes insulting to many people who come across my website. I may come across as harsh, judgmental and a bit too opinionated for my own good, catapulting thoughts and questions out into cyberspace for a bit more understanding. There have been a few blog posts that I have written under various “topics” that may have seemed as though I slapped a huge fat label of “rejection” on its forehead. There is a reason for my madness, however, not to be confused with a lame excuse. I have noticed that in the past few years, I have had a different set of readers that are much more varied than my previous ones in the past, who seemed to have similar views, but what’s more exhausting than having the same opinions and thoughts with people alike? If it weren’t for my readers interacting with me or the emails that I have received, elaborating upon their side of the argument, then I wouldn’t have learned anything at all. I’m going ...

How do you see yourself? How do you think others see you? Do you care how others see you or think about you? Regardless, sometimes people are much different than what they come across online. For instance, I like some people better “on paper” than I do in real life. I’m absolutely positive the same can be said about me. Seeing words that flow together or seeing an article you can totally relate to is not the same as connecting in person. It’s a total different ball game. I remember a very long time ago, I was apart of this message board for gay and lesbian writers. I started exchanging emails with this one lady who happened to be so eloquently written and our conversations back and forth were so ‘in tune’ with one another that I truly thought we would click right away if we were to become friends in person. We were even discussing writing together and putting something out there from all of our brainstorms that seemed to have flowed so well. There were no photos exchanged, nor were t...

When I was six years old, my mom got very sick and had to stay in the hospital for a while. The doctors scared us with the possibility of her not making it out the front door. We had to wait it out, and luckily she pulled through and was able to come home and convalesce instead. During that time, she began having spiritual experiences. I won’t go into detail about the experiences themselves, but she did however write down her own proverbs that she “heard” from God. I never knew she had these writings, until she had given them to me a few months ago to comfort me. The papers that were written on were a yellowish hue from age and slightly stiff from being tucked away for many years. I have them stuffed into my bible’s cover into a pocket. I’m not going to jot down all of the proverbs, but while reading them this morning, I came across a few that struck a chord with me. I felt I needed to share it since more and more Christians are turning over to other religions or just becoming agn...

Back in 2003, Madelene had lost her father due to a massive stroke at the age 55. It was a traumatic time for all of us, because it was all so unexpected since he appeared to be in great shape and the best of health. Madelene then took a leave of absence from work to recover and regroup herself. In her line of work, they provided her with a company car, to which she used everyday for business and personal use. She had to give that up and her mom told her to just use her dad’s car for now. In itself, it felt awkward and sad to drive around her dad’s car, but at the same time, it comforted her as well. In the process of everything going on, she was also moving back in with me because we had separated for a few years and we were working on our relationship. She had a ton of her belongings in that car from clothes, old vinyl records from when she was a DJ back in the 80’s, a laptop that I got her for Christmas and a very old tiny bible that her grandmother had given her that she carried ...

When I tell someone I live in New York, they immediately think I live in the heart of Manhattan. Living in the suburbs on the outskirts of New York City, you’d think it would be more diversified, more of a melting pot of sorts. Sadly, I have come to realize that isn’t so. Almost every establishment, restaurant and bar are filled up to the brim with caucasians. If you see a black couple walk into a restaurant or bar, your mind automatically goes to: “Are they lost?” It’s just the way it is here. There of course, are other towns to which particular cultural groups congregate towards, but there is never an equal mix. One night, Madelene and I decided to head over to the bar across the street to grab a drink together. We know most of the people who go there and it’s usually a ‘happy hour come after work’ type of place. On this one particular evening, I saw a Hasidic man standing in the corner by himself. He didn’t have a drink in his hand and just looked around and checked his Bla...

(The photo above was taken with my phone cam at the park where I walk.) It’s been a fun couple of weeks, between more job offerings/projects, better weather and best of all, finding an exercise routine that I’m absolutely excited about. I first started out by walking three miles one day. I decided to make that my an absolute must on a daily basis. Then one day, it stepped up to five miles. Mind you, I’m not running or even jogging, just walking. I prefer to walk outside, since the weather is beautiful. Madelene comes with me when she’s off or sometimes, I’ll go by myself or just use my treadmill, which isn’t the same as walking on the pavement with hills. I was doing it more for my heart health, when I realized my pants were starting to fall off and I needed a belt. YAY! I then risked the ultimate let down by trying on a dress jacket that I haven’t worn in about three years. In fact, the jacket used to be so tight, that I couldn’t even put the buttons together, no less get them r...

Over a hot cup of coffee this morning, Madelene and I got into a discussion about my blogger friends and their responses to question #4 on my previous post . That seemed to ring a tune for most readers. I even received a few emails over this topic and some ‘not so nice’ emails, but that’s a given when you get into religious beliefs and the lack thereof. It all started with my questioning of someone’s statement to me which was absolutely baffling and had no logic in it whatsoever: “I’m Atheist, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Catholic and Agnostic.” It’s impossible, (yes, I said impossible) to be Christian and be all these other religions, especially Atheist. The reason why I say this, is because to be Christian is to believe that Christ died for our sins and the only way to get into heaven is through believing that Christ did this for us and that He is the Son of God. How can a person be Atheist, Jewish, Hindu or Muslim? The Jews believe that Jesus was just a prophet, not the...

You plan your life together, you make arrangements for all the wonderful things to come: love, family, happiness and growing old together. You’ve worked hard to ensure a future together with your partner, until one day it suddenly all goes away. This is what happened to a couple named, Michael Muchioki and Nia Haqq. After coming home from their own engagement party, they were gunned down tragically in Jersey City. Police are still investigating what happened, but so far they have just come up with a botched up robbery and a botched carjacking. ---read more here. When I first heard of the story on the news, I immediately thought--jealous rage? Maybe a secret lover? Maybe one of them had a stalker? Nobody knows at this point. How can this be so random? What makes this story even more heartbreaking are how many people loved this couple so much. They seemed to be liked and treasured by everyone they came across, whether it be friends, family, acquaintances and those who have only just ...

My blog has been put on the shelf for a bit because I was biting my tongue, hoping to muster up something different other than what I really wanted to speak about, but ‘me being me’---that’s not an option sometimes. When I cover up a true post from the heart, I seem to ramble on about this that and the other thing. Just a bunch of nothingness on a blank page, perhaps a facade of what’s truly brewing. I believe blogs are personal and whether or not you want to keep it semi-vague or right to the point, is totally up to you. I’m always puzzled by certain friends who make everything so damn complicated. Every single word out of their mouths are either a hidden agenda, a motive or an insult disguised so well, that it could be taken in another light, so to speak. One of my friends had dropped by for dinner and drinks. We toss a few jokes around here and there, but we have already discussed how we would never venture over to the borderline of personal insults or attacks---just light playin...

Have you ever had “moments” where you just take a few steps back from emotionally healing through whatever, and it hits you like a ton of bricks as if you’re at day one? You can go weeks, months without thinking about anything, but just one incident or something that reminds you of your past just springs right back up to haunt you. A good friend of mine goes through the same thing, in fact, we’re so alike in this regard that we usually go through it at the same time. I’ll receive a text asking, “You ok?” She knows. I’m not sure if it’s because of my melancholy state or just an intuition, but it seems as though whenever she goes through it, I do too and vise/versa. What makes our minds take three steps back when they were five steps forward? Is it simply because we feel too much? Do we think too much? Or does everyone maintain this ' keep moving forward don’t look back'  type of thinking? Whether it’s due to a breakup, end of a friendship or a death of a loved one, does your...