Living Proof

We all want to be understood, heard, related to and even helped in some form or another. We also don't want to be bothered from 'whomever'. There are people that you can trust, those who are always there for you like concrete stone under your feet, and others who seem to undermine your entire being. Some mean well, while others don't. The worst type of help when you are in your darkest moments are from those who have never been through what you are going through. For instance, a psychotherapist may tick some people off, because they seem to have this 'perfect little life' in their 'perfect little quaint office' and their degrees from various schools hanging on their wall screaming, "I'm successful!!!" They possess an overwhelming knowledge of textbook psychology. It's pure bullshit in my opinion. They are trained to understand. They push pills to make it all better and yet, they never actually dig into what's really bothering th...

Usually, when somebody has a panic attack, they know where it comes from. Most of the time, they know what initially triggered it.  For someone with anxiety disorder, the response you will usually hear would be, “It just came on out of nowhere.” When you delve deeper, there is usually a trigger inside, hiding for dear life. I have been diagnosed with “anxiety disorder” since I was 16 years old. I have also been diagnosed for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Some mornings, usually mid-morning after having coffee and overanalyzing my life into shreds and pieces, I’ll experience an anxiety attack. My wife will ask, “Well what triggered it? Are you upset? Are you thinking about something?” “No...It just came on all of the sudden.” Days later when I look back on the entire situation, possibly after an emergency room visit for chest pains, I’ll remember what had happened the day before. Did I just block it out, or did I simply shove everything into the “anxiety disorder...

During a conversation with a close friend, she reminded about her “bad months”. Bad months can mean anything for anybody. It can be a month when in the past, a loved one died or a significant relationship came to an end, or anything that reminds you of something that took a toll on you emotionally. Most people associate “bad months” with the winter months. Usually there are combinations of why each person gets a little down during this time. For one, technically, winter months shorten the span of daylight, which provides us with vitamin D through ultravoilet rays. If we don’t get enough sunlight or vitamin D through supplements or ultraviolet lights (tanning beds and special lighting just for this purpose), then we could end up feeling down or depressed. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is a very common thing among many people. Some people don’t even know why they’re depressed. The depletion of vitamin D can be very dangerous for some. With holidays approaching, this can wreak havoc ...

Here I am at the same spot, drinking my double espresso latte without the muffin, because I’m not quite hungry. It’s crowded more than usual in the café and my tolerance for people is next to zero. I had to wait to get this tiny little table so I could write about nothing. Some overzealous buffoon on his Bluetooth bumped into me, making me almost lose my balance on the long line ahead of me, hoping his aggressiveness will get him further in line…or maybe further in life. I’m sure he’s single and has been for a very long time. The lady’s perfume in front of me was gagging me half to death and making my asthma kick in overtime. I was ready to hose her down with Poland Spring. I get to my little table and set everything up. The echoes of every wannabe executive in that café on their cell phones were making me nuts. I instantly got ADD. I tried to focus, but all I could manage to do was read the headlines on Yahoo News. My eyes were dry and foggy. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep. I’ve b...

What does it take to be perfect? What’s the true definition of “perfection”? Is it to be flawless? Is it to become exactly what is pure and true? Does any one of us hold these qualities? It’s a hard standard to live up to. Once we see an imperfection in our character, we immediately self-destruct emotionally sometimes. Once we see an imperfection in someone else’s character, we’re quick to judge. We’re quick to comment on that flaw that’s just been revealed. Why? Is it because we want to be perfect? Is there such thing as being ‘more perfect than the next’? Or is it simply being human? Lately, I’ve been noticing many flaws in my character. I’ve been dwelling on the negatives and throwing out all positive reinforcements in my life. Each time I “sin” or break some kind of promise to myself or to others, I punish myself with negative dialog and plague myself with depression. I actually inflict the depression upon myself. I know, it sounds absolutely crazy, doesn’t it? A friend of mine w...

Thank you for those who commented on my previous post. It was an unfortunate mishap that turned out to be an outburst from something that had nothing to do with me. I understand him all too well though, because I’m just like him at times. While staying at a friend’s house, I received numerous calls from my mother upset, asking me to talk to my father. She said he was crying. This big man full of power---crying? He apologized, but not in the conventional way you would think. There’s no verbal, “I’m sorry”, or anything of that nature. It’s gifts or underlying jokes and gestures, implying that “it’s okay”. I accepted his “apology”. It’s his way. Instead of walking in, leaving him with a questionable look on his face, I ran over to him and gave him a big kiss and a hug. The big bully giggled. “Sit and eat! I maydja’ some pot roast!” “Ya fatha’ made it, Deb.” My mother said, trying to put all the credit onto my father. They’re both a team in the kitchen. At that point, I wasn’t very hungr...

Usually, a lot of people will view my anxiety disorder as if something provoked or triggered it. Sometimes it’s triggered by an incident, but in most cases, they're subconscious thoughts or concerns that I can’t even figure out myself. The thoughts are so hidden, yet so visible on the outside. Doctors will explain that it’s a chemical imbalance. That’s true, but in most cases, I believe they’re subconscious worries that try to hide. It’s like an elephant trying to hide behind a tree. The most visible signs I give off while having a panic attack are rubbing my neck, scratching near my ear or picking my cuticles. It’s a nervous habit. I guess it’s to deter people from knowing I’m freaking out at the time. I must admit, I haven’t ventured off to the supermarket in a long time. Instead, I’ve been going to the farm market. It’s small, the people know me and it has everything I need …well most things. Today, I plan on going to the big supermarket. The last couple of days, I’ve been pla...

As some of you probably already know, I suffer from panic attacks. I’ve been experiencing these attacks since I was 16 years old. I have a lot of people in my life who make assumptions about why my anxiety disorder developed, but I still have a vague idea “why”, yet I know some things make sense. I’m going to talk about why I “think” I got this disorder, and what I do today to relieve them. At the age of 16, I witnessed a very traumatic event in my life . I didn’t think it affected me all that much, because I handled it so well during the time it happened. What I didn’t know, is how it would affect me later as an adult. Being at that young age, I was still going to high school and trying to be a kid. I was influenced by my peers and found out that my stress levels were higher than the average teen going through trivial stuff. A lot people assume kids that age don’t have any stress. They do …very much so. And, when something traumatic takes place, it’s amazing what the body can do whe...

These images may be too graphic for some to view. I made this movie with the intention of helping those who feel depressed or thinking about suicide. There is hope.

And when I say people are insincere with their advice on how to deal with depression, it’s meant in the terms of those who haven’t experienced it themselves. They think it’s just a ‘sad day’ and that it’ll pass. They truly believe there’s a root cause of it all. “Well something must have happened.” No. “Oh, she’s probably having a fight with her girlfriend.” No again. My girlfriend is the only thing keeping me alive actually! (Of course second to God’s help.) I’m torn between those who belittle the feelings of depression and those who have no idea how to approach the matter delicately. There is no delicate approach actually. The attempt to communicate is enough effort to me. The attempt to make me laugh is even greater! Maybe I’m self-loathing, self-centered, self-analyzing, self-diagnosing and most of all, self-destructive. My therapist says, “I’m okay”. I don’t need medication to help me. He says that I have ‘generalized anxiety’, and that I’m not experiencing anything different fro...

Everything’s going to be all right. Things will look up. These are words that are said to me when I’m feeling depressed. These words are worse than saying, “Your life’s a complete disaster!” I’d rather someone say that instead. Give me the truth instead of sugar coating the bare facts with mere insincerity. No one’s there to help, they’re only out to give their two cents. And what is it really worth? It’s full of lies. “You watch, tomorrow’s going to be a better day.” No. Tomorrow is going to be the same day as today, the same day as yesterday and the day before that. “You’re PMSing.” No, not all month. The majority of my days here on earth are days filled with too many tears – days filled with heartache and the scars that I keep holding from the past. Am I moving on or am I still stuck in some torturous limbo waiting to be released? What is this? Is this a life? I can’t move and I can’t get to where I want to be. All my hard work has done what? Sure, I can give tons of advice on my w...