Living Proof

In the past I understood it more. I experienced the feeling of being in the grips of an ultimate control freak, or perhaps, the ‘emotionally kept’ woman who was scared to death to be herself, always wondering when the next explosive emotional time bomb was going to explode and fly off the handles for any given reason. Memories of hiding silly things, such as voice mails from my best friend that could have been interpreted as something else. “Well, why’d she say it like that?” It would always be my fault. I was always in the wrong. I’d end up hiding practically everything around her, including the “real me”. I ended up being someone else and crawled into a shell of fear. Who am I? I had lost myself for a while before I finally realized that the “real me” was dying to emerge from this Stepford Wife that I was created into. I’d find myself lying about the smallest of things, as opposed to the “real me” being very bluntly honest. “This is me, take it or leave it.” I missed that sonnvab...

As bitter as one can possibly be, isn’t it sad when someone mutters out, “Ugh, they were such a waste of my time”, as if the person were complete trash? I often wonder if they truly mean it. I think back on all of the “waste of times” I have dealt with, to conclude that in actuality, they weren’t a waste of time after all, as much as I’d like to say they were. Every single person that has come into my life has either taught me something, made me experience something new, was there for me at a crucial period, or has simply shown me a terrific time that I will always remember. No matter how it ended, no matter how bitter the breakup or cutting the ties were, I absolutely have no regrets about anyone, be it friend or lover. I do believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. Think back to a time where you were once friends or lovers with someone who wasn’t healthy for you. What have you learned from that relationship? What good times or new experiences did you share with them...

There are times I find myself being surrounded by people who love to argue, just for the sake of arguing. They can’t let it go. I’m not even talking about heated arguments - I’m talking about people who just disagree with you in order to challenge your beliefs or factual basis’ upon certain issues. I found myself sitting in my shrink’s office, when he had asked me, “So, have you been keeping up with current events?” He knows that my views are a bit extreme to have a “normal” conversation with someone who may be leaning toward the left, as well as those who are not of the Christian faith. My politics go hand-in-hand with my beliefs in Christianity, so I just keep tightlipped about it these days. Instead of politics, I just rambled off the news I had heard that day regarding three people dying in a sweat lodge over in Arizona. “It’s two.” He said, in a very irritated tone. “What?” “There were two people who died - not three. Where do you get your news?” “I heard three.”   I sa...

It’s been a couple of days of taking a vacation from our vacation. Although we loved where we stayed, it was also nice to sleep in our own bed again. The one thing I’ve noticed is that during our stay in MA, everywhere we went, we had lots and lots of walking to do - which was great. We lost some weight on this trip, but still managed to indulge in seafood galore up to our gills. Now I’m just trying to keep up with the walking the best I can in order to maintain it. I have to admit, it’s hard when you don’t have street entertainers or a few drag queen and comedians to pass by, but I’m sure something amusing will cross my path, or...chase me like that goddam pug every once in a while in my neighborhood. Our filming project was better than expected. I managed to get a lot of footage. I haven’t even started the editing process as of yet because I’m still organizing each interview individually and placing them on CDs as a ‘to do list’ at a later date. Some of the interviews were very ...

I felt the need to continue the discussion I had in the comment section of my previous post , with someone that went under “anonymous”. The post mainly dealt about issues of emotional, verbal abuse when someone that was loved once before has been jaded or hurt. “Sticks and stones” was referenced and basically how two wrongs don’t make a right, questioning if the first wrong...was in indeed “wrong”. When a person is trying to heal from an intense relationship that has ended, is it healthy for that person to go through a “healing process” of slandering and dragging their ex love’s name through the mud? I totally understand the fragile emotions of the first few months of the breakup. It’s raw. It’s hurtful. It’s the feeling of a great loss. It’s also feelings of jadedness, anger, resentment and bitterness sometimes. It’s rare you find a mutual breakup that deals with mutual respect and admiration to continue a friendship thereafter. How do we heal the “healthy way”? There is no a...