Living Proof

There was a time when I actually used to love life. I looked forward to each and every day, hoping something new would be waiting for me. But as time grew, as well as my age, there seems to be little to no happiness, excitement, fun...or even hope. I used to laugh a lot more and take life less seriously. Time is flying by so quickly too. I think to myself, "Am I gonna be 75 years old sitting out on my deck, regretting all this wasted time in this wasted life?" There are things that I don't quite understand, like those who made you feel special yesterday, would decide to make you feel like you're a nobody today. That sort of thing kinda stabs you in straight in the heart. I've shut down. I have decided to rid of all the toxic people in my life. My nightly seizure activity has increased greatly. I can't even get a phone call back from my doctor to get an MRI. The other day while shopping, I stepped outside of the store with two bags in my hand thinking, ...

Usually, a lot of people will view my anxiety disorder as if something provoked or triggered it. Sometimes it’s triggered by an incident, but in most cases, they're subconscious thoughts or concerns that I can’t even figure out myself. The thoughts are so hidden, yet so visible on the outside. Doctors will explain that it’s a chemical imbalance. That’s true, but in most cases, I believe they’re subconscious worries that try to hide. It’s like an elephant trying to hide behind a tree. The most visible signs I give off while having a panic attack are rubbing my neck, scratching near my ear or picking my cuticles. It’s a nervous habit. I guess it’s to deter people from knowing I’m freaking out at the time. I must admit, I haven’t ventured off to the supermarket in a long time. Instead, I’ve been going to the farm market. It’s small, the people know me and it has everything I need …well most things. Today, I plan on going to the big supermarket. The last couple of days, I’ve been pla...

As some of you probably already know, I suffer from panic attacks. I’ve been experiencing these attacks since I was 16 years old. I have a lot of people in my life who make assumptions about why my anxiety disorder developed, but I still have a vague idea “why”, yet I know some things make sense. I’m going to talk about why I “think” I got this disorder, and what I do today to relieve them. At the age of 16, I witnessed a very traumatic event in my life . I didn’t think it affected me all that much, because I handled it so well during the time it happened. What I didn’t know, is how it would affect me later as an adult. Being at that young age, I was still going to high school and trying to be a kid. I was influenced by my peers and found out that my stress levels were higher than the average teen going through trivial stuff. A lot people assume kids that age don’t have any stress. They do …very much so. And, when something traumatic takes place, it’s amazing what the body can do whe...