If you think back to a time when you were going through the roughest stage in your life, can you remember what pulled you through it? Do you remember how long you suffered for? If you were to have asked me a little over four months ago if I would be "OK" if my mom was going to pass away the next day, I wouldn't even entertain the thought. Even while my mother was in excruciating pain, I had hope that she would have gotten better. There was something telling me that this was the final stage. See, Mom kept a secret from me. This whole time I had thought she had stage two cancer. She was on stage four with no other options from her oncologist. She kept this secret to save me from killing myself. The month before she died, I got to take her to the shore, spend time with her, gave her a Mother's Day BBQ outside by the ocean with our family, and it was just magical. What happened next just spun my whole world around. I was having anticipatory grief. Mom and I were very much connected. In fact, we could read each other's minds, and we used to play this game of "reading minds" and be amazed of how tuned in to one another we were. I knew she was dying. She heard me crying upstairs. She saw me suffer from insomnia, sometimes five days without sleep. I was a walking zombie. But she was still here. Why am I grieving so hard? Nobody told me about her "expiration date" by the oncologist. So why did I start grieving?
It was the beginning of June on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I begged Mom to sit outside with me so she could get out of her dark room and feel the sun on her skin. I just wanted her to have a different atmosphere other than the dark room with only the glow of an old tube television set. She finally got up and decided to come sit on the patio with me. My dad always said that if he were to ever die, he would send us a hawk. And every time we would see a hawk, we would say "hi" to him. One flew by us and he was really low. Mom said, "Where are you, Charlie?" She wanted to know where he was. She believed in heaven, but questioned reincarnation too. Then Mom asked, "What do you want me to come back as?" I just blurted out, "Stop Ma, you ain't going anywhere!" Then she continued on... "I'm going to be an owl. So anytime you hear an owl, that's me saying hello." We both collected owl statues, crystal owl sculptures and even some framed art work of this amazing bird. So then I wanted to traumatize HER and say, "Well, if I die before you, which can very well happen -- then I'm going to be a humming bird and peck you while you're outside." We both laughed and stopped the conversation about death. Before my dad died, he sat in the same seat my mom was sitting in. He had his cane and he was on his last stages of cancer, defeated. He already had his "6 month to live" talk with his oncologist as well. As he looked down, tapping his cane on the patio slates, he said, "I'm so sorry guys. I'm so sorry that I'm so sick and I'm going to leave you." It felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach to see my father succumb to his own six month expiration date by the doctor. He apologized for having cancer! I mean -- really? I couldn't believe how strong he was to even say something like that.
I witnessed both my parents at different times suffer tremendously from their awful battle with cancer, to only watch them eventually die to this. It was like a horrible case of déjà vu.
But why was I the one who made it through "quicker" than most? It wasn't because I cared less for them. It was because I watched them suffer, and grieved so hard even before they left this world.
But most of all: I focused on God.
God was the only one that got me through this traumatic experience. At any given time, whenever I felt my heart get heavy, I brought it go God instead of staying in my room to cry it all out. I cried it all out with God while praying to Him. Trust me when the Bible says that He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds -- it's the truest scripture that I've ever known. The grief was still there, but God gave me peace beyond all understanding. He gave me peace in the midst of the chaos. He gives peace -- not as the world gives -- but the constant peace and joy that your heart can feel, even while grieving for someone you love. He gave me a new understanding about life on earth and our eternal homes in heaven. He has proven to me that Mom and Dad are no longer suffering from that terrifying pain they went through -- because He gave me a vision in my dream that was so beautiful and vivid, that I can't "unsee" it. He showed me how happy my parents are right now. So for me to continue on mourning isn't about feeling bad about their death --- it's feeling bad for "ME!" We grieve too long because we feel bad about the state we're in. We may feel abandoned and that our loved ones chose to go home. The mind plays funny tricks on us when we're mourning. It may even make us think that our family members who are mourning along with us in different locations don't care about you. But grieving can take on new levels of avoidance, due to their sadness. Like for myself, I live in the house where my parents raised me and my siblings. This house has a ton of memories. So anytime my sisters come and visit, they can feel a sense of sadness, because they still feel mom and dad there. That's totally normal and to be expected.
For me? I feel mom and dad here, and it's great! But I have changed the house around so that it looks a little different. I cleaned up everything and made the house more inviting -- more different -- different enough that when you come in, it feels like a new house. I had my mother and father in law over for dinner last weekend and they both said, "This house feels happy." They called it "the house of happiness." And how happy would my mom and dad be hearing that? Our loved ones want us to be happy. They don't want us to keep mourning until we're sick over it. They want us to always remember the good times, forget the sick times, and cherish each other as long as we live.
I'm gonna get into something a little off the cuff here. I usually don't share my spiritual experiences publicly like this, but I feel like I need to do so. I'm not just "wishing" there's a God, I know there's a God. And what I mean is, ever since I have been making God #1 in my life, things have changed for me in a way that is just unexplainable. Even while I go through some hard times, with either illness or chronic pain, He gets me through it. I still praise Him even through the bad times. Our earthly bodies are so fragile and painful -- but our new bodies in heaven are new suits that feel amazing! I have been doing Bible studies and learning more and more about God and who Jesus was. More so, I have been meditating and praying to God for hours and hours at a time. Well, one night -- about a week ago, my heart was feeling very heavy. I had my mom on my heart and I was just feeling so sad. As they say, grief comes in waves. As I was walking out of my bedroom into the hallway, I felt a shove toward what I call, my "Deb Cave." It's a small living room upstairs with a big screen TV and a huge table that has my Bible, anointing oils and other materials to help me with my meditation and prayer time. It also overlooks a beautiful view of the mountains and lake. It has the best views of the house. It was about 10pm and I was ready to just settle into bed and watch some TV. But I got that nudge from God.
I gave in and told Madelene I would be back in a bit.
I went inside, closed the door behind me, lit a candle and put on some light meditation music on low. Deep into my prayer time, I just started meditating on His voice. He led me to go outside onto the deck. It was pitch dark out -- nothing was visible, not even the lights of the cities below because it was so foggy. Then all of the sudden, the fog dissipated and the lights appeared. Then in the sky, the moon showed up out of the fog. The fog made a ring around the moon that was lit with the colors of the rainbow. I felt my mom. More so, I felt God in our presence. You may not believe this, and that's okay, but I felt someone hugging me, touching my arms, and letting me know that I was doing OKAY and that I would be OKAY. I felt an anointing -- like the type when you get goosebumps all over your arms -- that. I felt a euphoric sense of happiness, peace, love. I felt this type of peace that exceeds all understanding, as it says in the Bible. This is one of many times that this has happened to me after my mom's passing. There have been countless times of witnessing God, and then Him letting me experience the spirit of my mother. Trust this: there IS a heaven. There IS a God. There IS an afterlife and your loved ones are OKAY.
We grieve for ourselves. Of course, we grieve because we miss our loved ones and feel horrible about the "way" they died, but they are no longer in pain, as cliche as that sounds -- but when they are gone and we don't stop grieving so hard, where it is affecting our lives, we are grieving for ourselves. We feel bad for ourselves, for our loss, for our lack of ability to contact them any longer. But when you truly know God and truly know that your loved ones are OKAY -- you will grieve, but not in a way where it will destroy your entire life. You can have happiness again. You can laugh again. You can live your life again. You can let your heart beat again. And this is coming from someone who once said I would kill myself if my mom ever died. I even said that to mom. I can talk about my mom without crying anymore. I can laugh at her silly ways and the way she would poke fun at me. Once you are able to talk in depth about the person you lost, you know you're on your way to recovering from such a tremendous heartbreak. But the only advice I can give to anyone going through a prolonged grief period is this: PRAY. That's all you need to do. But the other thing you also have to do is listen. Meditate. Wait in silence. But PRAY. The more you pray, the more you will hear His voice. You won't think I'm going crazy anymore. AND even if you think I'm going crazy, you're watching me recover quite nicely, right? I still have my moments, but anyone who truly knows me would've thought I would be in a mental institution by now after mom died. God saved me. At least try -- even if you disagree with all that I am saying to you right now, TRY IT. Try it secretly. Don't tell a soul that you're doing it. I am publicly and possibly talking "cray-cray" right now, but this has been the only thing that has saved my life after mom's death.
|Mom held these every night.|
I'm the same person, yet I'm not the same. I'm not one of those "holier than thous" or someone who would judge anyone else for anything in their lives. I've just come to the realization that you can experience God here on earth. Why do people just choose a "religion" just to wait to get into heaven, when they can have God -- when they can talk to Jesus right here, right now? It's not the same as just saying a prayer at night and hoping for the best. It's a relationship -- a constant flow of communication with God. It's thanking Him even when you're sick and in pain. It's praising Him even though you're life seems dark and lonely. My loneliness went away once I drew closer to God. In fact, I absolutely love every second of my alone time, because 90% of my time is with the Lord. I have dedicated my life to Him. I don't know what this means, or where this will take me, because I am only experiencing God in the now -- and not focusing in on the past or worrying about the future. I don't fuss over what's next or what's to happen in a week or month or year from now. I might not be here -- who knows?
I'm writing this here because there are some people in my life, like friends, acquaintances, and maybe family (?) (not sure) -- who wouldn't believe what I've experienced and how far along I have come to be closer to the Lord. They wouldn't believe all the time I have invested studying the Bible in its truest form, and not from my own interpretations of scriptures. Much of my views have changed greatly, so much so, that I'm starting to make major changes in my life for the better. With all of this going on in my life, I find that my relationships with my sisters are much closer, my interactions with my friends and acquaintances are more forgiving, understanding and loving. It has given me more of an insight and much more discernment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means, but the way I feel about life has changed entirely. Not only has my anxiety lessened a great deal, but I'm not afraid of certain things I once was. I rarely get depressed, maybe melancholy from time to time, but things have been much different. God confirmed so many things for me regarding life, death, and the struggles we all go through. God doesn't give the spirit of fear or confusion. He gives us the spirit of peace and wisdom. I think I get it now...
They did a study on two groups of people grieving. One group believed in God, while the other group did not. It showed that the people who relied on their faith in God healed much faster than those who did not believe in God. The results they found were unexplainable. Check out this Dr. Oz segment, where they explain that God will pull you out of grief. One lady was suicidal after her son had passed away. If it wasn't for her faith in God -- more so, her relationship with God, then she wouldn't be here today. It was the same thing that I went through. I told my mom, "I'll die without you!" But God let me live.
So if you're struggling over grief, and you feel like a year, or two years, even ten years feels like yesterday, bring it to God. God heals the brokenhearted. Always remember that.
This is why I am able to type this today.
This is why I am able to talk about the good times with my parents without completely losing it.
This is why I'm no longer afraid anymore.
This is why my faith will never waver.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. --Psalm 34:18
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. --Joshua 1:9
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. --Matthew 5:4
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