Living Proof

Change. Is it really a bad thing? I think the biggest reason why people get depressed or develop anxiety is the constant change that happens to all of us at any given moment. It's the unpredictable nature of life that leaves our hearts unsettled. Change happened to me when I found out my father was diagnosed with cancer. And even though you watch a loved one going through the struggles of an illness, and realize that their time is coming to an end, the inevitable change is almost still the same as if someone left your life suddenly. Many would disagree with that, only because there's the element of preparation involved. Nonetheless, it's a huge change -- the change that your life will take on once someone you love and known has gone away for good. It doesn't feel "normal" and creates a sense of fear. It's just a "new normal" for many of us. Change can also mean a change in atmosphere -- a big move (whether moving on up or moving on down),...

Where am I? Sometimes I feel disoriented in life (not literally), but more so a feeling of either anticipation of what's to happen next, whether good or bad. But I don't want to say "bad" because the universe might hear me. They say... "they say", that whatever you put into the universe comes back to you in return. I also dislike the word "karma" because it's just wishful thinking for negative people who want to see bad things happen to those who have hurt them. I get it, you were hurt, but never wish bad on anyone, regardless of what they have done to you. Just by muttering out the word "karma" says, " I'll get him or her back." Disagree if you want, but think about it the next time you use the word. "Whatever comes around," and maybe so, but does it really? Where was I?  So I was thinking a lot this past week. I also read the last few posts I wrote on here. It's amazing when the fog clears and yo...

I'm sitting here listening to the rain, trying to finish up a chapter from my book. Hopefully it'll be out before winter hits us. I've been thinking a lot. And by a lot, I mean obsessively thinking to the point of insomnia. I'm very sad, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to just drop people from your life without any sort of explanation whatsoever. Most of the time, it's because we're old enough to know what we don't want in our lives, and that the person who is filling up your love tank with a bunch of toxic waste should learn the hard way of why they're being dropped. An explanation would just conjure up a negative response. As I have learned, silence is the best communicator when distancing yourself from negative people. As I always say, "Just pretend I'm dead," and that's that. You don't have to give an explanation of why you died, because you're simply not there any longer. While pushing up daisies, they can f...

If you ask anyone if they're stressed out, the answer is going to most likely be one big "YES". If they aren't, I want what they're having. Aside from that, while I was heavily into the Paleo diet, trying to lose weight and boost my immunity, it's not all about the food you eat in order to keep you healthy -- it's about getting a good night's sleep and eliminating unnecessary stressors from your life. I mean -- how on earth are we supposed to dodge every stress bullet that comes flying our way? It's impossible sometimes. I remember an old co-worker of mine used to tell all the time, "Save it for the big stuff, Deb. Trust me." I was only 23 years old and stressing out as if I had 12 kids and an abusive husband. I had none of that. I stressed over every single little detail of my life. At the age of 40, I still fret over -- well, mostly anything sometimes. I tell my mom I get it from her. Although she is quite the worry wart, she doesn...

Through years of being in and out of therapy and numerous psychologists, psychiatrists, LCWs, PhDs, MDs, XYZs - I have discovered something fascinating: the internet. It's no secret that I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder, and along with it comes that brutal wave of depression. But depression is not my root problem. Anxiety is my enemy. I've had it ever since I was 16 years old. I have PTSD . Plenty of doctors have tried throwing antidepressants to get rid of my…anxiety. Why are you giving me an anti DEPRESSANT for my anxiety? They said that anxiety and depression go hand-in-hand. The only thing these antidepressants did for me was give me more anxiety by creating that little 'boost' when you're are in a funk. I have coffee for that. There are too many unqualified "doctors" bringing in suffering patients for only 15 minutes, giving them a diagnosis and a script to boot. That's not enough. Big pharma gives these doctors kickbacks and usually, ...

There is a lot of truth to that saying, "Whatever you resist persists." I've heard it before, but sort of dismissed it as one of those nonsensical inspirational kinda' quotes that you usually find on social media. But think about it: whatever you resist will persist, so when you stop resisting, it will stop - it will discontinue . I remember telling my therapist about all the panic attacks I was experiencing. She said, "Acknowledge it and accept it. It's like the riptide: the more you fight it, the more it will attack you." So basically, what she meant was: what you embrace is what will dissolve. Think about it - if someone taunts you and tries to get your goat, what happens if you ignore them? What happens when they get no response from you? They stop. But what if that person gets an angry response? It continues. And that was my entire problem - even recently. I mean, I would react to things that I didn't want to happen. So, it would go on and on...

Our security system. We all want to feel safe. We all want that sense of security with whoever and wherever we are. Maybe it's based on our survival instincts or maybe it's due to each person's own experience and anxieties. Maybe all of the above. Who knows. I just remember when I was a little girl living with my parents and three older sisters - there wasn't anything that could've harmed us. Dad was always the strong and mighty one - nobody could move past him. If there was a noise outside, he'd come out like a big redneck holding his rifle shouting, "Whoz' out dare'?!?!" Whatever and whomever it was, fled real quick. We never worried about intruders or if we were ever going to get hurt at home in general. A sense - a feeling - a contentment that just was imbedded in us. We've seen "outsiders" fall ill and some pass away. But not our family. We were strong and nothing could get us…nothing. Safety is all a facade. And ev...

For the longest time, I've been suffering with anxiety attacks or just 'fear' in general. I guess you can call them "phobias" and whatnot, but it definitely debilitates my life on certain days. Some days are good and some days are bad. Therapists are good, but they can only help so much. They can give advice (which they hardly do) or they can sit there and listen to you while the sounds of the 'tic-toc-tic-toc' morphs into one big 'cha-ching'. They say (whoever "they" are), that just by someone else listening to you is helpful. Well, I disagree to a point. I can go to the bar with a girlfriend and rant all I want. Now that helps. I'm disgusted with the cost of therapy. Do they deserve that money? Some definitely deserve it, but others, like the ones that I have come across should be ashamed of themselves for just sitting there like a zombie pretending to remember what was told to them while writing it all down just to remember your ...

If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that the people who work at the ER are burnt out, especially during the holidays. I'm one that has frequented that place more than enough times this year due to my back pain. They were amazed that I didn't want anything "heavy" to sooth the excruciating pain other than Advil, but they refused my ibuprofen due to my stomach bleeding. Here's the thing I've learned: if you come in with back pain, it's a red flag that you're a drug seeker. They judge you by the way you look, the way you talk and the time you walk in those doors. If it's on a Saturday or Sunday and you say, "My doctor isn't in till Monday --- bam --- you're an automatic drug seeker. And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of them out there, but when the genuine pain victim comes in needing the necessary pain relievers, they may get shot down due to lack of trust. Most people in the ER have the thousand yard stare. Th...

The other day I was preparing a chicken dinner for Madelene while we were getting severe storm alerts on our TV. I love a good storm, but my Chihuahua? Not so much. She doesn't mind a rumble here and there, but when it's loud - almost "firework loud" --- she's a shivering mess sitting in her own urine. But I had hope. I put the Thundershirt on her and went on baking my garlic chicken. As I sat outside with a glass of wine to relax, the smells of my dinner wafted throughout the house and encompassed the entire outside area as well. It was heaven. I even thought, "Wow, what a peaceful moment." I don't have much of those with my crazy anxiety, so I was basking in this. Then I heard a rumble from beyond, a storm brewing. I got excited because I love storms. I used to be so deathly afraid of storms only because I had seen a twister fly down my property, tossing small trees into the air while my Dad was outside laughing his ass off yelling, "Come ou...