Living Proof

It's late at night and you're scrolling through your social media feeds hoping that something will either be funny, inspiring or thought provoking. You try not looking at the time, but each time you do, 12 midnight turns into 1am, 2am, 3am, and so on. And you think to yourself, "How did I manage to do a bunch of nothing in the course of three hours?" You set your phone back down on your nightstand, hoping the sandman has made his final entrance, to only find that your mind races through the 'what ifs' for the next day ahead, and the worries about how you will manage to get everything done in such few hours of sleep. Insomnia is so common, but it's not technically "panic disorder," unless the panic attacks are keeping you up at night. What I discovered is that random panic attacks, like rapid heartbeat, palpitations or hyperventilation out of nowhere, is panic disorder. The reason why they call it a "disorder" is that you start to avo...

It's interesting how others may perceive you. I was told by many of my past therapists that I look so happy and not somebody who suffered with anxiety or depression. One thing about me is: I'm never fake. But one thing people don't know about me is, whenever I'm in a depression, I tend to stay away from people, so they never see that side of me. And I do it for two reasons: for one, I don't want to depress anybody else with my gloom 'n doom attitude, and secondly, I usually view the world on a sour note while I'm depressed. So it's best that I live in my little bubble during that time. I have this wonderful therapist who'll occasionally receive a frantic text from me saying, "I can't take it anymore!" And she knows I don't mean that I'm standing out on some ledge somewhere (which I have thought about in the past), so she'll soothe my anxiety and then make me come into her office or even be gracious enough to do a phone t...

If I had to say one thing about my friends, I would definitely consider them to be my chosen family. When I bring someone into my life -- or better yet -- when someone chooses to spend their time with me, I never take it for granted. Just like a relationship, I always try to seek out a lifetime friend. Of course you're either going to get 'for a reason, a season or a lifetime' -- and that's okay. People that come into our lives are meant to either teach us a lesson, to help us in times of trouble or to simply make you laugh and smile for however long. And as we grow older, that whole "BFF" thing sort of takes a left turn to Albuquerque. It's okay to have that once a month friend (and no I'm not referring to Flo), and it's okay to pick up where you left off after 6 months of not seeing one another. I have friends that I haven't seen in almost a year, where I can talk to them this very minute and it feels like just yesterday. That's what I...

Where am I? Sometimes I feel disoriented in life (not literally), but more so a feeling of either anticipation of what's to happen next, whether good or bad. But I don't want to say "bad" because the universe might hear me. They say... "they say", that whatever you put into the universe comes back to you in return. I also dislike the word "karma" because it's just wishful thinking for negative people who want to see bad things happen to those who have hurt them. I get it, you were hurt, but never wish bad on anyone, regardless of what they have done to you. Just by muttering out the word "karma" says, " I'll get him or her back." Disagree if you want, but think about it the next time you use the word. "Whatever comes around," and maybe so, but does it really? Where was I?  So I was thinking a lot this past week. I also read the last few posts I wrote on here. It's amazing when the fog clears and yo...

I'm sitting here listening to the rain, trying to finish up a chapter from my book. Hopefully it'll be out before winter hits us. I've been thinking a lot. And by a lot, I mean obsessively thinking to the point of insomnia. I'm very sad, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to just drop people from your life without any sort of explanation whatsoever. Most of the time, it's because we're old enough to know what we don't want in our lives, and that the person who is filling up your love tank with a bunch of toxic waste should learn the hard way of why they're being dropped. An explanation would just conjure up a negative response. As I have learned, silence is the best communicator when distancing yourself from negative people. As I always say, "Just pretend I'm dead," and that's that. You don't have to give an explanation of why you died, because you're simply not there any longer. While pushing up daisies, they can f...

Through years of being in and out of therapy and numerous psychologists, psychiatrists, LCWs, PhDs, MDs, XYZs - I have discovered something fascinating: the internet. It's no secret that I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder, and along with it comes that brutal wave of depression. But depression is not my root problem. Anxiety is my enemy. I've had it ever since I was 16 years old. I have PTSD . Plenty of doctors have tried throwing antidepressants to get rid of my…anxiety. Why are you giving me an anti DEPRESSANT for my anxiety? They said that anxiety and depression go hand-in-hand. The only thing these antidepressants did for me was give me more anxiety by creating that little 'boost' when you're are in a funk. I have coffee for that. There are too many unqualified "doctors" bringing in suffering patients for only 15 minutes, giving them a diagnosis and a script to boot. That's not enough. Big pharma gives these doctors kickbacks and usually, ...

There is a lot of truth to that saying, "Whatever you resist persists." I've heard it before, but sort of dismissed it as one of those nonsensical inspirational kinda' quotes that you usually find on social media. But think about it: whatever you resist will persist, so when you stop resisting, it will stop - it will discontinue . I remember telling my therapist about all the panic attacks I was experiencing. She said, "Acknowledge it and accept it. It's like the riptide: the more you fight it, the more it will attack you." So basically, what she meant was: what you embrace is what will dissolve. Think about it - if someone taunts you and tries to get your goat, what happens if you ignore them? What happens when they get no response from you? They stop. But what if that person gets an angry response? It continues. And that was my entire problem - even recently. I mean, I would react to things that I didn't want to happen. So, it would go on and on...

We all have our limits with anything. Every one of us stresses over particular things in life because we all hold different lifestyles. Some have kids, some have demanding jobs, some have troublesome relationships and marriages and others just have anxiety disorder stemmed from PTSD or going through a rough patch from something in the past. We all look fine on the outside, but on the inside, some of us are dying. I remember watching this woman at work who was directing a seminar on "better customer service". I couldn't believe how chipper and outgoing she was. She was zipping from one side of the room to the other, full of excitement and positive energy. You never saw this woman without a smile. It was like - wow - can someone be this happy all the time? I sat there and envisioned her having some sort of mental breakdown. Her happiness was so extreme that I entertained myself with these scary images of her curling up into a ball screaming and crying in some corner of th...