Living Proof

Back in May, I believe I wrote about the same issue that I've been dealing with. I wish I could say it's insomnia, but it's not. I live a very strange lifestyle now. (No, not the type you're thinking...) But strange in the terms of off-schedule, not the norm, whatever you wanna call it type of 'strange'. I'm very open about my anxiety disorder, and that can sometimes be quite debilitating. Many people who don't understand anxiety brush it off and just tell ya to "get over it" and "face your fears" -- blah blah blah. And while that holds up to be very true, and in fact, I face at least one fear a day, it still comes on like a beast, and sometimes unexpectedly. My "beast" happens to find me at night while I'm all comfy in my bed about to fall asleep. There is absolutely nothing brewing in my little noggin other than listening to the beautiful sounds of crickets and frogs from the window left open besides me. I can't ...

Have you ever thought about your struggles in life and wished you could trade it in for something else? We all have crosses to bear and I think that's specifically designed for each individual. I keep hearing, "God won't give ya what you can't handle" and "If He brings you to it, He'll get you through it," but sometimes our thought-to-be "big problems" are something we would want back if a larger issue came barreling through our front doors. I'm going to be honest here.  I cursed God last night. I was angry.  As the most imperfect Christian you can meet, I set a time every single morning for at least 1-2 hours to pray and meditate. I don't tell a lot of people that. If I don't get to do it in the morning, I do it before bedtime in my living. I make the room dark, I light a few candles and use sage for cleansing. I've been on this bizarre journey with God -- one that I never thought possible. He has given ...

"There's nothing wrong with you. It's just anxiety." Those words lingered inside my mind, "it's just anxiety," as if it were nothing - as if it doesn't keep me up all hours of the night to the point of being nonfunctional the entire following day and eventually, tearing down my immune system. So, I'm left lying in bed for the next week or so sick with a fever. I've asked a million and one times, "How do you fix it?" They all want to throw pills at me, but they don't want to work for their pay - I mean, really work, like helping me cope with this disease. And it is a disease. Crying hysterically to my psychiatrist, "I. just. don't. want. to. live. anymore." They usually jot down onto their notepads, "She's very 'put together' and knows how to deal with this. She'll be fine. She's just venting again." "Again."  The seizures keep me up at night. The sleep study techs...

We all have our limits with anything. Every one of us stresses over particular things in life because we all hold different lifestyles. Some have kids, some have demanding jobs, some have troublesome relationships and marriages and others just have anxiety disorder stemmed from PTSD or going through a rough patch from something in the past. We all look fine on the outside, but on the inside, some of us are dying. I remember watching this woman at work who was directing a seminar on "better customer service". I couldn't believe how chipper and outgoing she was. She was zipping from one side of the room to the other, full of excitement and positive energy. You never saw this woman without a smile. It was like - wow - can someone be this happy all the time? I sat there and envisioned her having some sort of mental breakdown. Her happiness was so extreme that I entertained myself with these scary images of her curling up into a ball screaming and crying in some corner of th...

For the most part, I'm willing to do some pretty strange things to relieve my anxiety, like watching some weird guy on Youtube talk in this 'serial killer-like' voice just to hypnotize me into a state of calmness. I even go as far as ordering a few I-Doser mp3s , which are binaural beat mixes that work into your brain subconsciously giving you a feeling of euphoria and other various feelings. Kids these days are using them to experience the feeling of marijuana and even cocaine --- sounds horrible, right?  But, it's 100% safe. They do simulate the feeling due to the binaural effects to our brainwaves. I remember one night I wanted to experiment with one. I never did drugs before and knew I-Dosers were safe, so I downloaded "Acid". At first, I felt very calm, almost as if I was floating. Then, in the middle of the track, I felt my bed move a little. Then it started shaking. It wasn't shaking because Mad was watching TV while I had my earbuds on and she s...