Living Proof

(Photo taken this morning at 5am out on my deck.) Again, I was hesitant to write about this topic, in fear that the men in the white coats may take me away, but I’m here and I’m going to jot this down like a lunatic. Bear with me. Whenever I’m closer to God, pray to Him more and really take the time to meditate and most of all---listen to Him; it’s then when I receive signs and visions. (I assure you I wasn’t drinking at this time.) My prayer and meditation times have been more intense and far enlightening than ever. I’ve been more “open” to encounter or experience visions, signs or anything coming from God Himself. Through desperation one day, I called out, “God, show yourself to me”--- in hopes that I’d be comforted through my time of stress and fatigue. I started to see sparkles and bright shiny little things flying around. To the right of my peripheral vision, I saw a bright white glow. I didn’t look directly at it, in fear it would vanish. These things are like stars in the sky---

Sometimes I hesitate to write about this type of thing, however, I truly believe that there are mysteries on the “other side” that we just cannot comprehend, believe or fathom. As a Christian, I would like to believe and mostly believe that if we have faith in God, and we’re fairly good and willing to atone for our shortcomings, that we all go to heaven. But as a human, I do wonder about the gray areas. I’m sure you do too. It’s as easy as grasping a UFO in the Midwest somewhere. A lot of people have seen them, but are they really out there? Teenage lawn boys did all those crop circles and you can’t even rely on “real footage” that you see on T.V. or Youtube anymore. Usually, you later find out that it was a setup or camera trick to try to deceive you. What about “your truth”--- the things only you know about. For instance, my mother had a best friend named Helen. She lived next door to us. They always visited one another and spent a lot of time together talking over coffee, reminisc

As a kid growing up, my sister Cathy and I would watch cartoons every Saturday morning with a bowl of Fruity Pebbles or any bowl of sugar we could get our hands on. The bulk of our entertainment was Looney Tunes. We sat there the entire time laughing – we couldn’t watch enough of it. SJ posted a video up on his blog that reminded me of a question that I've had for years: how the heck did we ever understand these cartoons? For instance, take a look at this video or just scan through some of it. It was totally inappropriate for kids however we still watched it. I remember Bugs Bunny saying, “What a maroon!” I laughed at this, not really understanding what it meant, but by the inflection of his voice, I knew it meant something bad – like “a stupid person” or possibly a bad version of “moron”. For instance, some of his lines included these: "Eh, watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful paralyzing perfect pachydermous percussion pitch." (I’m not sure what pachyd

Is there such a thing? People have their own definition of what normal is. It’s such a vague description. Normalcy: to not be crazy? Have you ever been through a breakup or a messy divorce that went terribly wrong, and your ex just didn’t know how to contact you like a human being? Any contact that they did make was erratic, emotional and off-the-wall insane and sometimes even irrational? It’s a proven fact that when you have a very bitter ex on your hands-- any contact, whether positive or negative (and they usually choose option 2), will be satisfactory for them. They’ll do things ‘out of the norm’ just to get your attention. Then again, what is “the norm”? I have a track record for dating attention getters (minus a very good friend I dated, H), who seek attention whether it is positive, yet mostly negative. They love to push your buttons to see your reaction. There’s nothing wrong with being an attention getter in my opinion: it’s how some people’s genetic make up are set. I

Why are there so many diagnoses for a slew of different mental disorders and so many different opinions on what the diagnosis may be? For instance: a sociopath is a term professionals don’t like to use anymore, because they have broken it down to antisocial or dissocial personality disorder —whichever you choose. For each broken down definition, there are similarities regardless. Years ago, people who were ‘up and down’ with their moods were called, manic-depressives. That term is now obsolete: the term used now is, “bi-polar”. It’s basically the same thing heightened to an extreme. They also have bi-polar 1 and 2, depending on the severity. There are so many “new disorders” and new definitions that it makes me just wonder what it’s really all about. In my opinion, new medications make doctors trigger happy with diagnoses. Doctors get kickbacks and many of them are pill pushers. You’re in their office for less than 15 minutes, and voila---you’re diagnosed with a new disorder and out of

The subject of guilt and depression is still fresh in my mind. I’m convinced that we only feel what we “choose” to feel. A good friend of mine who works at my gym said to me, “You’re only depressed if you choose to be depressed.” I had a hard time taking that one in, because there are many people with chemical imbalances out there that do need help because of their genetics. However, there are a lot of us walking around “choosing” to be sad, or choosing to feel guilt because of this or that. Have you ever felt the urge to listen to a sad song while being in a depressed state, in order to enhance your sadness? It’s normal. I will even venture to say that it ‘can’ be healthy at times. A good cry and letting it all out is always healthy in my opinion, but to remain in that state for a long period of time can do a lot of damage. What about love? Do you choose to love somebody or does it just “happen”? Is it out of our hands? Do we just fall in love because there’s no other choice but to fa

Who has contemplated their destiny after life, without thoughts or feelings of guilt? Guilt can trigger many questions. Questioning your destiny because you’ve done something bad or “wrong” in the past is normal. “Will I get into heaven and will God forgive me because of my past?” If you can accept that God has already forgiven you, then you can free yourself from guilt. It sounds easy. It’s not. Somehow, the guilt sticks to you like a leech, not letting go until you burn it off. “But the person I hurt still hasn’t forgiven me?" So what. God has. Now it’s your turn to forgive yourself. If the person feels that they cannot provide you with any forgiveness, then the guilt crashes upon them instead. Holding resentment in your heart is one of the unhealthiest things you can possibly do. Not only do you suffer emotionally, but your physical health is at stake too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve experienced “unexplained” anxiety attacks because I still held resentment and anger f

Have you ever felt so strongly about someone or something and put so much energy into trying to please or obtain them, that when you’ve finally exhausted all your efforts, there’s absolutely no passion behind it anymore? You become numb to it, as though you never cared about the person or thing. This can pertain to anything really: a person, a career goal, mending a friendship or relationship or just anything you’ve tried “too hard” for. What makes us give up? Depending on what it is, I would like to say that it wasn’t because it was too high for us to reach. Persistence and perseverance are important while trying to get your dream job or dream house of course, but say with a person, we have to drop all our hard work and chuck it up to ‘it’s just not meant to be’. I'm not implying to give up easily, but sometimes we just have to let things come to us instead. My friend J.C. just posted up a quote from Enya on her Myspace bulletin this morning: “Look to love and you may dream, and

Have you ever daydreamed about the afterlife? Have you ever wondered what it would truly be like to meet somebody up in “heaven”, or to see someone that you’ve been at odds with or held some sort of resentment towards while you were here on earth? Think about it: up in heaven there is no resentment, anger, depression, feelings of shame, guilt or anguish. These things are all meaningless on the other side. Unforgiving hearts on the other side will realize that it was merely a product of the physical nature; the prison of the human heart trapped with negative feelings of hurt. It doesn’t matter anymore. It was on earth. It was meaningless. Life was just a trial. The funny thing is, we don’t even look back on life and say, “We shoulduv’ coulduv’ woulduv’” , instead, we just look at our “offenders” or “enemies” in our previous lives on earth and then smile with gladness that it’s all over now. There’s no past pain and there’s no emotional trauma on anyone’s heart —only love. Our level of

Lesbians are known for so many stereotypes. I even poke fun at some of them myself. Things like, bringing u-hauls on the second date, lesbians are obsessed with cats, lesbians are all drama queens and the best yet, lesbians are all manhaters. Of course I’ve come across all of the above, however if you really think about it, most women in general, gay or straight are ‘fast movers’ in relationships, tend to like cats better than dogs and bitch and moan about men periodically. As I’ve stated in a previous post, lesbians are also known to hold the award for LBD: Lesbian Bed Death. To some degree, you can scientifically look at the genetic data and technically say that testosterone and estrogen can play certain roles in this area. But how many heterosexuals are kissing one another goodnight and then turning over to go to sleep? I love meeting new people. Over the past 6 months or so, I’ve met quite a few people-- most being men actually. When they find out that I’m gay, the response varies

Someone else had something in mind for you, either your parents, a guardian or someone who looked after you while growing up. They envisioned a different life than you probably live right now. With good intentions, they wanted the “best” for you. In their minds, the “best” for you was to have a medium to a large size family with a huge nest egg. They wanted you to be loved by your children, who would eventually take care of you when you got much older and wanted you to have enough money to be comfortable and live well. Their dream: a husband or wife, a couple of kids, maybe a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. It sounds endearing– much like a neighborhood scene from a Lifetime movie. Is it realistic for them to expect this from you? In the bible, it says it’s better to be alone. Some people rather live with a family or a spouse or life partner. I grew up living in a large house with both my parents and 3 older sisters. We were all close and we all were expected to “live the go

While in the presence of a friend who is way too political for my taste, he brought up something I really never thought about: assassination. He explained his views on Obama getting elected for presidency. He was concerned that if he did win the final election, that Obama would most likely get killed during his term. My question is, if Bush made it through two terms alive, wouldn’t Obama have a better chance? My friend explained that Bush has the white supremacy, the radical Christians and basically, “rednecks” on his side. That’s what basically got him in. People like the most of us, who feel that Bush wasn’t such a good president wouldn’t think of assassinating him, but instead, voting for a new president in the next election. You can’t even make those statements though, because look what happened to President Reagan. A white Republican who a lot of people liked. I’ve heard these statements a few times from other people. I wonder if people secretly wish death upon our presidents tha

For a while, I’ve been having insomnia. It’s not so much that I can’t sleep; it’s staying asleep, which is also considered insomnia. I go through spurts of it though; it’s not all the time. What wakes me up while trying to fall asleep is I have problems coordinating two things: sleeping and breathing. I wasn’t much of a multitask kinda' gal anyway, but for the love of God, why can’t my body cope with two natural involuntary things to work with? Right when I’m surpassing the first REM stage, I wake up gasping for air. Sometimes, I even feel as though the air won’t even enter my lungs. For 3 whole seconds, I really believe that I’m going to die right there. So what happens? I stay awake afraid to fall back asleep again. Of course, this always has a ripple effect, leaving Madelene sleepless as well. For the hour that I did manage to sleep last night, I had the scariest dream. I dreamt that I was at an ex-girlfriend’s apartment. Inside, she had a male ghost. (Don’t ask. You know how d

Do you have a mark on your heart? Each and every one of us has a story to tell. Some even have a few. Many keep it bottled up and suffer in silence. “Talk about it, get it out in the open.” A lot of us wonder, “to who though”? A therapist or a good friend are both great options, but for some people, it’s no option at all. Have you ever felt that if you let those bottled up emotions out to somebody, that it would devalue them in some way? Inside, those stories, those special past relationships or whatever it is that you keep inside so tightly are treasures. Memories and thoughts of past people, things and relationships are stored up in a safe place in your heart. Some still sting. Regardless, they’re invaluable. …Until you let it all out. It becomes everyone else’s story. “Oh, you’re not the only one.” I’m sure you’ve heard that one before. “Everybody goes through that from time to time.” But nobody goes through your story. Your story is unique. Your story is the one that’s invalua

Most of us tend to focus on the past, dwelling on things that we should have done or that we could have done. We still pick the scabs of the past not giving it a chance to become a faded out scar. It’s true that our past makes us who we are today, but it’s another thing to continue living as a victim. We have a choice: we can either choose to learn from our past mistakes and traumas, or we can relive the past over and over again in our minds each and every day. It’s up to us. Easier said than done… I guess the true key in letting it go, is true forgiveness. Forgiveness goes both ways- not only to the person(s) who hurt you, but forgiveness for yourself as well. I think most of us forget about that. If we can relinquish all of the resentment and anger we store up in our system, we can see much clearer. The fog tends to lift and we can then get a better grip on how to handle our emotions without losing it completely. It took quite a long time for me to realize this. It actually too

Inevitably, you knew I’d be back like a bad case of acne during PMS. Although my short lived resignation to this blog was supposed to be permanent, I have way too many thoughts and questions that flow through my mind, to which I need answers and opinions to. I initially quit blogging for a short while due to stressful circumstances in my life that left my mind absolutely blank. I had nothing to give. I had no thoughts. My mind was shut down. During my break, I’ve been writing short articles for a local magazine (freelance) and at times, posting them in my own personal blog periodically on Myspace. I guess I’ll start this blog off once again with an article I had written a few weeks back. "Lesbian Bed Death & Cheating" Why are some people so quick to analyze everyone else’s relationships except for their own? Even if they’re single, they still have a strong opinion, which is even a worse case scenario. I think we all know what we “should” do or what a relationship “shoul