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Showing posts from March, 2009

Lions, Tigers and Bears! Oh My!

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While being home sick with the flu for the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking way too much and out loud in cyberspace. This is one of the few topics which Madelene highly disagrees with me on. I’ve Twittering my thoughts like it’s nobody’s business. I have been in discussions regarding the coverage on 60 Minutes about how lions are being poisoned in Africa by the civilians. I highly disagree with 60 Minute’s stance on this, because these lions are killing the people’s cattle, which provide them money as well as food for themselves. So in return, when their cattle are mutilated beyond belief by lions, the civilians who live off their land purchase a bottle of poison for less than $2 bucks so they can survive. "They're very unlikely to attack us," Cotterill explained. "There's been so many years of conflict with people in this area, it's almost hardwired into their systems to be terrified of people." -- read more here . They’re very unlikely t

Make Earth Hour Exciting!

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*Turn off your lights and run around naked in your home.  *Turn off your lights and get romantic with your sweetie. *Turn off your lights and play hide and seek. *Turn off your lights and play a murder mystery game with your friends. *Turn off your lights and go outside to look at the stars. *Turn off your lights and illuminate your home with candles like the Amish do. *Turn off your lights and pinch somebody’s bum. *Turn off your lights and run around your neighborhood with glow sticks around your body. *Turn off your lights and watch everyone do the same. *Turn off your lights and see what a difference one hour can make!

"I'm a Good Person"

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I’m a “good person”, but sometimes I’ll curse you in order to defend myself. I’m a “good person”, yet sometimes I get offended and lash out because I need to tell my side of the story. I’m a “good person”, but I have suggested things to people with good intentions, and have yet to do them myself. I’m a “good person”, but I’m imperfect and keep sinning over and over again. I’m a “good person”, but there are people who refuse to forgive my wrongs. I’m a “good person”, however I keep plotting schemes to get my way. I’m a “good person”, yet I'm eternally flawed because I am human. Sometimes people tell me I’m a “good person”, but I never believe them.

Sexual Masterpiece

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C ontrary to heterosexual myths: there is an overabundance of ways to have lesbian sex.  Many of times, I’ve been asked: “How do lesbians have sex?” The answer depends on the individual(s) involved. The majority of the heterosexual world assumes that lesbian sex is just “oral sex”. They seem to think this is the only way to please our partners. Sometimes, they inquire about toys, but then again, toys aren’t needed. I was once asked, “Isn’t there a void to be filled, like something to replace the penis?”   Yes and no. I cannot speak for every lesbian on this planet, however I can tell you that some women like penetration, which may require toys or not, and some women love clitoris stimulation, which may require a variety of things, such as: manual stimulation with hands, mutual masturbation and genitalia sex, and of course your good ol’ oral sex.  
 Most men conjure up images of what I call, “the tickling lesbians”; the ultra femme porn star type with nails long enough to spre

Rolling the Dice

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Ah, Wednesday morning, the birds are chirping, the kids are outside laughing and playing while waiting for the bus and the goddam neighbor is putting up drywall in the apartment next to me. I’ve been battling with chronic fatigue syndrome for the past three weeks now and it has affected my work and play a great deal. Saturday I had a nice little break from this foggy feeling and was able to mingle with my friends. Come Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, I was a total dishrag. In fact, every single muscle in my body ached and my thoughts were scrambled as if I sucked down an entire bottle of cough medicine. Some would call it depression or (SAD) Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I’m going to go with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Yes, I have officially diagnosed myself. I’ve been working on a few projects at one time and I’m not much of a multitasker. My personal diagnosis of ADD tells me this. Or could it be a mere “disinterest”? Who the hell knows - everything is so damn vague these da

Sex Ed at Deb's

We had a birthday party for Madelene last night. Here's what came of it... Warning: Some content may not be suitable for young viewers. Amy Beckerman is a standup comic based in New York City. She frequents Comix, The Laugh Lounge, New York Comedy Club and Broadway Comedy Club. Beckerman appeared on season 6 of The Sopranos, has been heard on The Mancow Show and performs with Broads of Broadway and 5 Funny Females. She was also featured in the 2007 New York Underground Comedy Festival and is a guest commentator for MTV’s FN-MTV, and is the co-producer of the popular Manhattan based comedy show, Dykes on Mics. Beckerman just taped an episode of Hot Gay Comics on HERE! TV that is set to air in Spring 2009! Check her website out at www.amybeckerman.com and come see her shows! She's terrific!

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The Safety "Net"

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I’ve always had a fascination with the reality or the lack of upon those who pursue a person romantically who are already in a relationship or marriage. It happens to a lot of people and who am I to judge, because I’ve done it before too? In the past, I have been pursued by my female manager who was already married to a man. The feelings were mutual, so the friendship blossomed into a romantic one.  For me , it was a “safe” way of not getting involved too heavily with someone. I didn’t want to commit. I hated the word commitment - it drove me nuts just to hear it. It became awkward walking into the office because now the relationship had become two people who were now in love with one another. Eeeek! I never saw that coming. But, like they say, they never leave their husbands or wives no matter how much they bitch and moan about this that and the other.  So, I was duped nonetheless. I take full responsibility for my behavior. What about the internet? Many people I know

Damaged Trust Issues

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My previous post brought out many insecurities of people who are in my life or just somewhat connected to me somehow, whether via the internet or just a distant friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. My last post was to just explain my past experiences and how it affects me today. It wasn’t intended to indirectly speak to someone or send some “private message” in a roundabout way in order to get my thoughts across to a particular person. The post was written for a reason though. I’m scared. I’m afraid of people who are too insecure with themselves. I’m afraid of those who feel the need of constant reassurance that I like them. I’m skittish about some who feel the need to be in contact with me every single day - although I have no problem with that, it’s the obsessiveness or ‘thought to be’ on my part. If I forget a birthday, I don’t want to be reminded that I have forgotten. That’s just a flaw on my part that needs to be overlooked, in my opinion. I’m not good with dates or t

My Paranoia

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Isn’t it odd sometimes when you come across a person who seemingly shares the same things you do, or they’re going through similar struggles or happenings in their life that you’re going through also? I immediately assume that they already know me or someone is trying to spy on me. I kick into paranoia mode. There have been times where I’ve been stalked. Once it was an ex-boyfriend who would park his car behind the garage of my parents’ house and spy on me in my bedroom. I caught him twice. The third time he was caught was on the private road where I lived with my parents. He claimed he was there just to smoke a joint without being on the main road. He wasn't the type to do drugs, so I was suspicious.  He lived twenty minutes away - couldn’t he have found a place between here and there? Back in February of 2006, I had a reader of mine who was very “enthusiastic” about my blog. She would comment here and there and then try messaging me through my AIM account, which I use

Solace In a Little Brown Bag

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With today’s economy and downsizing, it’s inevitable to think about the reactions of other people when they lose their jobs, homes and sometimes their family, due to the stress of everything. You hear about the guy who jumps into the river because he lost his job. You hear about the other guy across town shooting his entire family and then himself, because his wife left him and the termination of his job was the last straw. Again, like I asked in my previous post : what determines the “last straw”? The other night while I was sitting in my AA meeting, it was “Ron’s” turn to speak. He actually stood up, with his disheveled hair and dirty mechanic’s jumpsuit on and said, “You know, today’s a bad day. My wife and I have been talking about a divorce and today before I left work, my boss sat me down to explain that he had to let me go because they weren’t doing so good. After 15 years of giving them my best, they fire me! Me!!! And now, my wife is definitely going to leave me! What do

Alabama Shooting Spree

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Just a thought. That’s all it takes to make it a reality. Some thoughts are weaker than others, but that one seed that’s planted in someone’s mind that may be detrimental to both that person and other innocent people.   An Alabama gunmen killed 10 people and himself in a shooting spree . So far, they have no motives or reasons why this has all taken place. He went from burning down his mother’s home with her inside, killing his family to ending the lives of complete strangers in various places. It doesn’t make sense. Psychologically, what’s the breaking point of a person when they just throw up their hands and say, “Screw the world and everyone in it?” The family must have played a key role (whether they knew it or not) in the motive of the gunmen.  There had to have been extreme, distraught anger that went into complete insanity which took the lives of ten people, including himself. He knew he was going to take himself, but he wanted to leave a mark; some sort of justice ne

Neighborly Love

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Sometimes working from home can really do damage to your nervous system. First, I woke up to the sounds of constant banging and tearing apart of something larger than life, from the apartment below. My neighbors are renovating their place and there is absolutely not one moment of silence until after 4pm. The guy that lives downstairs is a “tough guy” - a no bullshit type of guy. When he’s home, you can hear him talking as though he was sitting in your own living room. He screams, when he’s talking in his normal voice. “YO! Where ya puttin’ that? Bring dat’ ova’ here!” The person he’s speaking to is probably right in front of him. The other day as I was outside in the parking lot, he comes out of his huge F250 pick up truck with a 12 pack of beer in each hand, nods his peach fuzz head and says, “How you doin’???” He seems really nice, like a distant annoying cousin that you can only take in small doses. His girlfriend that he lives with is not as sociable as he is. She wo

"Tittles"

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If my mom had a computer, I’m sure she would be the nosiest person on Facbeook. She’d be emailing one of my sisters or myself with information regarding someone’s photo or asking questions about ‘you know who’. God only knows who would be the ‘you know who’ list. She’d insist I was having a hot affair with one of my male friends, just because I gave him a “hug” on his birthday. “Well you just don’t do that, it’s not appropriate.” And that’s that. She’d be on top of my statuses, letting everyone know what I’m doing at what particular time. ..and so on. My questions were answered when I wondered about if she would ever consider Twitter to be on her list of things to do, if she had a computer of her own. The other night I went to my sister Dawn’s house while my parents were there. While we were sitting around the table talking, my mom casually scoots over and asks me in all seriousness: “What’s this tittles I hear about?” “What?” “Tittles. Everybody’s talking about it. Yo

Friday Madness

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The day hasn’t even started for me and yet, I dread walking out of my very own door. It started at 4:30 am, when I’m about to head downstairs to grab some paperwork that I had left in my car. I opened my door to go outside and I felt something hit my midsection and then heard it flop on the floor. “Sorry, ma’am!” My paperboy is a quicker-dropper-offer and does his job well. But, today it was different. I just looked at him with one eye opened and said, “I hate being called ma’am.” Whatever happened to the days of being called “Miss” and “young lady”. Those days are sucked right down the drain. I grabbed my newspaper, which is more like mierde put together in a bundle of misspelled and fragmented sentences for the locals to be 'in the know' about their neighborhood happenings. Their press should really pass out "Hooked on Phonics" for all of their employees. A couple of hours later, I start making breakfast for Madelene. I figured I’d make her a couple of

Don't Ask Don't Tell

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It’s absolutely amazing how Facebook has brought old friends or even just old acquaintances back into communication again. Those who knew me well when I was a child also knew my family while growing up.  After yesterday’s post, a close old friend had written me an email asking me how my father reacted when he found out I that I was a lesbian. My father is your typical ‘old school’ Brooklynite, who smokes four packs of Camel’s non-filtered cigarettes and could put away three pots of coffee in one sitting.  I remember hearing ‘cling-cling-cling-cling-cling-cling-cling-cling’, from his spoon swirling around in his cup a million and one times. He would stir the coffee so much that I felt like screaming, “It’s mixed already, dammit!” As you approached him, there was a thick layer of gray smoke surrounding him. Even if he wasn’t smoking, the remains of the cigarette clouds would linger for hours. The ‘stop, drop and roll’ technique never worked so well. We had to talk to him with ga

In a Perfect World

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In a perfect world, nobody suffers over anything. There is no such thing as anxiety disorder, depression, anger, resentment or any other emotion that could possibly push us out on a ledge somewhere hoping someone, somewhere will save us; a cry for help or just a need for someone to realize: “Hey, I’m suffering over here!” But, it remains all too silent for the most part and not one person hears your cries for help, because those cries are set deep within your heart trying to make its way out. Unfortunately, most of those attempts to ‘make it out’ are indirected anger or repressed emotions that target innocent bystanders, loved ones and acquaintances. As I push forward on the anniversary of three months of sobriety, I was making my way over to AA, which is on a road that has a 25 mph limit. I was doing 35 because it’s morbidly impossible to go 25. A cop pulled me over and I tried explaining to him that I didn’t want to be late for this meeting because it was my three month mark

Oh, the Humanity!

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What happens to us when we hear “snow storm” that makes us automatically run to a grocery store and stock up for a nuclear holocaust?   There was gridlock in aisle five. These idiots were rubbernecking because there was a sale on olive oil, so everyone at the same time parked their carts accordingly in one spot, taking up the entire space available to pass them. “Scu-scu-scu-ESCUSE ME...” I said, emphasizing the last part because there is  apparently nothing else in the world was more important than extra virgin olive oil on sale. Needless to say, I made my way over to the good stuff: turkey bacon, eggs, dairy, smoked salmon - all the things that breakfast should be.  I wanted to be snowed in with my sweetie giving her the best brunch she could possibly have. We try to be health conscious, so we replace the bacon with turkey bacon, which is only 35 calories and no trans fat. We use only one real egg to make it appear yellow, plus we pour the rest with egg whites so it doesn't