Living Proof

I'm sitting here listening to the rain, trying to finish up a chapter from my book. Hopefully it'll be out before winter hits us. I've been thinking a lot. And by a lot, I mean obsessively thinking to the point of insomnia. I'm very sad, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to just drop people from your life without any sort of explanation whatsoever. Most of the time, it's because we're old enough to know what we don't want in our lives, and that the person who is filling up your love tank with a bunch of toxic waste should learn the hard way of why they're being dropped. An explanation would just conjure up a negative response. As I have learned, silence is the best communicator when distancing yourself from negative people. As I always say, "Just pretend I'm dead," and that's that. You don't have to give an explanation of why you died, because you're simply not there any longer. While pushing up daisies, they can f...

Are you putting me on a diet??? To my surprise, I'm still maintaining the Paleo lifestyle and learning more in depth about it. I learned about ketosis, carb intake and how more fat in your diet = more weight loss, considering it's from a good, clean source. With that being said, I remember rolling my eyes at my gluten-free friends whenever they had parties and served up gluten-free crackers or pasta. It was gross and I still think so. I never try to mimic foods that I can't have. I see a lot of people who are on Paleo mimicking pies, cakes, pancakes and other treats, just to satisfy their sweet tooth in some roundabout way. Although I do believe whatever works best for 'you' is fine, but for me, if it doesn't truly taste like the REAL thing, I'm gonna eventually want the real thing. So, I stick to all the other amazing options out there, trying to incorporate new foods I never thought would be a liking to my palate. I have so much appreciation for my mom...

Did you ever wonder about people's "bad habits" and why they do what they do? Some people smoke, some people drink, some people do both and others head to the bigger stuff to fulfill their "highs". I remember when I used to smoke two packs a day as a teenager. Addictions start at a very young age, especially today. You'd think a teenager wouldn't have a care in the world: no bills to pay, no steady job or health problems from aging -- just school and it's trivial little teenage dramas. But there's much more pain involved: lack of acceptance, low self-esteem, stressors from flunking, and of course, being bullied. I had all of those "problems" that caused me to not only smoke, but drink heavily as a kid. Health class taught us that smoking was a stimulant, but every single time I took a drag of my cigarette, it relieved my anxiety somehow. With each puff, my problems seemed smaller. And not that it got me "high" --- there was ...

We all want to be understood, heard, related to and even helped in some form or another. We also don't want to be bothered from 'whomever'. There are people that you can trust, those who are always there for you like concrete stone under your feet, and others who seem to undermine your entire being. Some mean well, while others don't. The worst type of help when you are in your darkest moments are from those who have never been through what you are going through. For instance, a psychotherapist may tick some people off, because they seem to have this 'perfect little life' in their 'perfect little quaint office' and their degrees from various schools hanging on their wall screaming, "I'm successful!!!" They possess an overwhelming knowledge of textbook psychology. It's pure bullshit in my opinion. They are trained to understand. They push pills to make it all better and yet, they never actually dig into what's really bothering th...

The best thing when I'm in a really great friendship is, there are no judgments, (unless they're hurting themselves, then perhaps an intervention), but aside from that, I've never been one to say anything about how someone else lives. What they do is their business. For me, friendship is about sharing yourself and being open and honest about who you are. No aires, no complications - just total acceptance of the person you are. Just like in relationships, nobody's perfect. We all have our 'thang' so to speak, and if that 'thang' isn't to be tolerated, then simply walk away. Simple. But why are some people so intolerant to other people's lifestyles? Years ago I had a friend absolutely appalled over the fact that I was married. ..to a woman. It baffled her mind that I could even commit such a "sin" and in her eyes, I was living a destructive lifestyle. I could have easily turned around and told her how destructive I think drinking an en...

Over the years I’ve written about my parents, mostly about my dad and his botched up Brooklynite accent and slang, but mom is a whole different can-o-beans. And despite her claims of being honest and how she never lies, I’d like to take this time out to dedicate this lovely post to my dear, sweet mama. Her mission: to take care of everyone she loves, even if it may be an unconventional route. She means well. She lies for the ‘good’ and never intentionally tries to deceive anyone. She’ll even convince you that all the “bad things” in life are supposed to be good for you. And sadly, she wins out and you just have to go by her set of rules of what’s best for you. So here’s a little post about my mom... It’s a cold winter day and my sister and I rush over to our parents’ house to warm up by the fire and have some of her famous pasta fagioli soup. I notice that the soup is thicker than normal, but still delicious. Normally, whenever I see mom make the soup, she gives me the first cup, usual...

As most of you know, I decided to take a huge five month break from drinking on November 18th. I initially did it because I noticed I was drinking to self-medicate. I also took a break because I wanted to lose more weight. I have had five months of sobriety. I even went to AA to get some support. They told me to try the 90 day challenge, because they thought I was a “high bottom”, which is someone who has not seen a great loss because of their drinking habit and well, considered me more of a ‘social drinker’. But at the time, it wasn’t the case. I found myself drinking in the middle of the day if I was stressed out. “Oh one martini won’t hurt.”  And it is ok, except when it’s to self-medicate. During the day while I was attending alcoholics anonymous, I sat in and listened to everyone. Many of the AA members had been there 20+ years. Some were newcomers and usually, I’d never see them again at the same meeting. The stories were so horrific and tragic - my heart went out to...

Apparently, there seems to be a rumor out that AA is a pick up joint. I guess everyone is sick and tired of meeting people in bars, or on internet dating services and chat rooms, that now they have figured out the perfect place to meet their other half---at Alcoholics Anonymous. Lovely. Who would have thought AA would be such a lure. Maybe an advertisement such as, “Meet the girl or guy of a lifetime at Alcoholics Anonymous. Enjoy a meaningful conversation over a cup of freshly brewed coffee while nibbling on a jelly filled sugar coated donut or sucking on a delicious hard candy given out by one of our local drunks. How sweet it is! And please, no alcohol.” As I threw my belongings out on the long pull out steel table, “John” said hello. Of course I greeted him back politely. He notices that we both share a love for the java bean elsewhere; a more distinguished cafe: Dunkin Donuts. His stare drilled into my very being. I became a bit paralyzed by his 'deer in the headlights...

It was just a double espresso latte, not a four-course meal I ordered. The kid still took forever and a day to get it for me. He kept looking over at his co-worker with this question mark expression and his hands midway in the air as though he was saying, “I dunno what’s wrong with this thing.” I knew I’d be late for my AA meeting. I reached over the counter where I could see him to let him know that I’d be using the restroom while he’s still picking the beans off the goddamn tree. I came back and the girl (his co-worker) was serving her 5th customer as my boy was still brewing my java. He then came over with a bigger size than I ordered and charged me five and some change. I headed out the door and zoomed down the street to my dismal little stone church behind the graveyard for my meeting. Everything seems to be ass backwards over there. The doors push out and not in and the stairs are uneven with 3 steps here and 2 steps there. People usually fall right into sobriety -the hard way- t...

It started off as a method of process of elimination. I wanted to know what caused my sudden weight gain and also, what always kept me at a higher weight than most. I started drinking beer at the age of twelve. Before that age, I was a little skinny tomboy. I ate like all the other kids and ran amuck around the neighborhood. Weight was never an issue for me. Once, while drinking a huge can of Fosters with my old friend Geri, my mother came out on the deck and screamed at me. She said, “If you keep drinking beer you’re gonna get a potbelly!” Geri and I were hysterical. She brought it up the other day and we were laughing. Soon enough, the belly came. Some people call theirs a six pack---I call mine a keg. As I went through my teen years and early twenties, I knew I had gained some weight, but not enough where it would leave me depressed holding onto diet after diet. It wasn’t a concern. After I hit my thirties, all hell broke loose, as well as my buttons. I worked out, got a trainer, d...

Fumbling for my car keys, I reached down into my bag and found them tangled up into the red flashlight that I had previously added onto my new collection of nonsense key chain mania. I didn’t need the flashlight, besides it was too heavy anyway. It was 6:45pm and pitch dark outside. The streetlights are a blessing around here. I had to make the 7 o’clock meeting. This was my first AA meeting I was ever attending. I hurried out to my car and zoomed off to the Catholic Church where they were holding the meeting. I knew where the church was, but when I pulled in, there were five different buildings on the property itself. I pulled up to where it was lit up the most. I looked around and was relieved to see other people were pulling in too. I waited for a couple of minutes. I then realized that the people who were coming out of their cars had children with them. It was more of a school-type of church with classrooms lit up on the right hand side of the building. I got out of the car and we...