Insane & Unstable

We all want to be understood, heard, related to and even helped in some form or another. We also don't want to be bothered from 'whomever'. There are people that you can trust, those who are always there for you like concrete stone under your feet, and others who seem to undermine your entire being. Some mean well, while others don't. The worst type of help when you are in your darkest moments are from those who have never been through what you are going through. For instance, a psychotherapist may tick some people off, because they seem to have this 'perfect little life' in their 'perfect little quaint office' and their degrees from various schools hanging on their wall screaming, "I'm successful!!!" They possess an overwhelming knowledge of textbook psychology. It's pure bullshit in my opinion. They are trained to understand. They push pills to make it all better and yet, they never actually dig into what's really bothering the person. DING!!! - Your time is up. Here's your script, see you in a month, because let's face it, that's all most can afford with their astronomical fees. (I have to say I did find one psychotherapist who rocks - but that's RARE.) You can research what I'm about to say, but the truth is, most suicides happen when someone is under psychotherapy and antidepressants. Did you know that some antidepressants can give you suicidal thoughts? It's even absurd to think a pill can give you a thought. I wonder if it could give homicidal thoughts as well. You can see from recent shootings and their psychological background that it certainly does. The fact is, most people undergoing therapy never make it out of therapy and are flung into some dingy psyche ward where most of the patients are far more worse off than they are. So in return, that person gets even sicker being around those...who are sicker. And the cycle is never ending.

When I stayed over at the hospital for chest pains, they were giving me a slew of tests to see if my ticker was okay. And thankfully it was, but I have to say one thing about the medical field. They're full of shit and only out to make a buck. It's all a business. For one, they wanted to give me blood thinners and cholesterol pills. My cholesterol was at 200 -- "slightly elevated". I didn't even get advice to wean off red meat or perhaps, go on a diet. Nope. I was just told to take these pills and we'll see you in about two months. They also wanted to give me blood pressure medication. My blood pressure is 110/70. They said in case my blood pressure goes up. "In case" --- it's like saying, "Here, take some chemotherapy in case you get cancer." It's ridiculous. They gave me a general diagnosis of costochondritis. In other words, "I have no idea what's wrong with you." I remember a time when I was having severe stomach pain and upper abdominal swelling. No one knew what it was. I had to get an endoscopy done, to which they found nothing - a generalized diagnosis of "gastritis". In other words, "Well, something's bothering your stomach." I went to another doctor to give me a second opinion. He asked who my other doc was and then said, "Well, that's a conflict of interest since I know him." I explained to him that it was my right to have a second opinion. Anyway, he led me to a medical center that gave me a HIDA scan test to check for my gallbladder. When that was all said and done, they found that it was slightly abnormal (sludgy), but they wanted to remove it right away since it may be the cause of my heartburn and stomach upset. They're so ready to cut you open --- and they still can't guarantee that my suffering would end. The surgeon said that it was a "process of elimination" and that I really didn't need my gallbladder, despite what God thinks.

What's my point...?

There isn't anyone who can possibly relate to you or help you unless they have been through a similar experience(s). Think of it like this: it's like an AA director who has never touched a drink before or who is a moderate drinker. They haven't dealt with withdrawal or the need to pick up a drink because --- they. had. to. How is the medical field any different - especially psychological help? Wouldn't you want someone to have had those feelings like you're experiencing? Or do you want someone to give you 'fluff' advice due to extensive psychological training instead? It's like a robot trying to experience feelings. I know many will disagree with what I'm saying, but in my experience of sitting in a zillion therapists offices, I know for a fact that not one single "psychotherapist" has had a clue to what I've been through, or what you've been through...only what was taught to them. Yes, I know they're human, but they all just sit there nodding, staring, pretending, daydreaming. All the doodles on their tablets don't mean a thing. "Generalized anxiety" was written on many pads of my doctors. Like, "Big deal, generalized anxiety. Get over it." In my darkest times, no one -- not ONE, has ever diagnosed me with clinical depression only due to my appearance and my 'seemingly have it together' personality. If they only knew. They judge people by the way they talk, dress, body language, anything.

What about friends? Can you truly rely on someone actually understanding what you're going through? There are some people who don't want help. They say they do, but once someone offers, they're shot down and sometimes, even insulted out of self-defense or whatever the reason may be. Anger, resentment, a person's background or even just 'getting into their business'. Recently, I had a friend sit me down and tell me she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She explained that she had to get surgery the following Thursday. I told her I would take her, or just be there for her and stay if she wanted. The time came and I called her a couple of days before and she said, "Nope, I'm ok - thanks." The doctor stated that it wasn't cancer and that she was ok, yet they set her up for an operation. A doctor said, "You're okay" at stage 4 cancer? Really? People who do this sort of thing to get sympathy or just more attention are seeking help. They have a name for it: Munchausen Syndrome. They pretend they have an illness in order to gain sympathy, and sometimes to even raise money. I have to say that I also think this pertains to those who "cry wolf" and throw around the word "suicide" or perhaps even have had several attempts. While I think it's important to always take a suicide threat very seriously, it's also important to remember that the person is screaming for help. So, help them! But also for the person in need of help --- accept the help. I've been there before and yes, have thrown around the word and even attempted it once. I've never once have taken anyone's help for granted or told someone off because they weren't there for me when I "cried wolf". I did notice when I was in that dark place that people will avoid you at all costs, as much as they can. The darkness rubs off. People can feel negative energy right away whether they realize it or not. It's very emotionally draining to be around someone who is depressed or angry at the world all the time. That person has to understand that in order to draw your friends and family closer, something's gotta give. I'm not saying "don't worry be happy" and bullshit you through what you're feeling, but understand that you cannot be upset with people who automatically retreat once the darkness seeps in. Maybe they're going through their own darkness, and by being around you, it'll only enhance their negative experience. If you want understanding, you have to give understanding. If you want help, you also have to help yourself in the process. I learned that the hard way - through experience and not through some lousy psychology text book. This is not to be taken as professional medical advice, for I am insane and unstable. Thanks for reading. I am not a shrink, but I have sat on many of their pleather couches. So yes, I guess you can say I have experience in this field.

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