Living Proof

As most of you know, I decided to take a huge five month break from drinking on November 18th. I initially did it because I noticed I was drinking to self-medicate. I also took a break because I wanted to lose more weight. I have had five months of sobriety. I even went to AA to get some support. They told me to try the 90 day challenge, because they thought I was a “high bottom”, which is someone who has not seen a great loss because of their drinking habit and well, considered me more of a ‘social drinker’. But at the time, it wasn’t the case. I found myself drinking in the middle of the day if I was stressed out. “Oh one martini won’t hurt.”  And it is ok, except when it’s to self-medicate. During the day while I was attending alcoholics anonymous, I sat in and listened to everyone. Many of the AA members had been there 20+ years. Some were newcomers and usually, I’d never see them again at the same meeting. The stories were so horrific and tragic - my heart went out to...

With today’s economy and downsizing, it’s inevitable to think about the reactions of other people when they lose their jobs, homes and sometimes their family, due to the stress of everything. You hear about the guy who jumps into the river because he lost his job. You hear about the other guy across town shooting his entire family and then himself, because his wife left him and the termination of his job was the last straw. Again, like I asked in my previous post : what determines the “last straw”? The other night while I was sitting in my AA meeting, it was “Ron’s” turn to speak. He actually stood up, with his disheveled hair and dirty mechanic’s jumpsuit on and said, “You know, today’s a bad day. My wife and I have been talking about a divorce and today before I left work, my boss sat me down to explain that he had to let me go because they weren’t doing so good. After 15 years of giving them my best, they fire me! Me!!! And now, my wife is definitely going to leave me! What do ...

It’s 4am and I have insomnia. I went to sleep at midnight but woke up at 4am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I believe it was because I fell off the wagon last night. I indulged in 2 beers, Michelobe Ultra Light or whatever. In other words: the weakest beer in the world. I thought I was safe. I passed my 90 days and decided, hey I’m going to have a couple of beers with dinner. I thought doing it “light” would help, especially since my tolerance was at an all time low. The verdict: I HATE DRINKING! Every sip was uneventful and the buzz was more like a zombie-like ‘bout to hit coma stage. It got me tired and nothing else. But, I did find out one thing: I’m allergic to alcohol. This is what I believe, anyway. Anytime I have more than one drink, I can never sleep a full night. And I’ve been sober for over 90 days now and each night slept like a baby. I can definitely say without a doubt that I do not enjoy the effects of alcohol any longer. I’m actually glad I fell off t...

Apparently, there seems to be a rumor out that AA is a pick up joint. I guess everyone is sick and tired of meeting people in bars, or on internet dating services and chat rooms, that now they have figured out the perfect place to meet their other half---at Alcoholics Anonymous. Lovely. Who would have thought AA would be such a lure. Maybe an advertisement such as, “Meet the girl or guy of a lifetime at Alcoholics Anonymous. Enjoy a meaningful conversation over a cup of freshly brewed coffee while nibbling on a jelly filled sugar coated donut or sucking on a delicious hard candy given out by one of our local drunks. How sweet it is! And please, no alcohol.” As I threw my belongings out on the long pull out steel table, “John” said hello. Of course I greeted him back politely. He notices that we both share a love for the java bean elsewhere; a more distinguished cafe: Dunkin Donuts. His stare drilled into my very being. I became a bit paralyzed by his 'deer in the headlights...

Fumbling for my car keys, I reached down into my bag and found them tangled up into the red flashlight that I had previously added onto my new collection of nonsense key chain mania. I didn’t need the flashlight, besides it was too heavy anyway. It was 6:45pm and pitch dark outside. The streetlights are a blessing around here. I had to make the 7 o’clock meeting. This was my first AA meeting I was ever attending. I hurried out to my car and zoomed off to the Catholic Church where they were holding the meeting. I knew where the church was, but when I pulled in, there were five different buildings on the property itself. I pulled up to where it was lit up the most. I looked around and was relieved to see other people were pulling in too. I waited for a couple of minutes. I then realized that the people who were coming out of their cars had children with them. It was more of a school-type of church with classrooms lit up on the right hand side of the building. I got out of the car and we...

This morning is gorgeous! And by that, I mean it’s about 65 degrees here, cloudy, dismal----the perfect weather for me. I almost feel a tinge of tornadic possibilities. Anytime cold air meets the warm, it’s bound to kick up a few twisters now and then. I woke up to the sounds of rain falling on my windowpane. I woke up sober. It was beautiful. No headaches, no queasy stomach or the need to make one of my hangover concoctions. I made some delicious coffee and on my second cup. I never used to drink a second cup, but again, my addictive behavior tells me: one more cup! Hey, it’s better than ‘one more beer’. The wonderful and unfamiliar thing that has happened is, I had a hard time sleeping last night and got probably 5 hours in, however I feel like I have slept for 8 hours. When I was drinking, I was lucky I even got 4 hours in per night. Anytime I drank vodka, I’d fall asleep and then wake up two hours later with my heart racing, leaving me awake the entire night. My sleep was always in...

…as an alcoholic; the person who maintained an illusion of sobriety while being three sheets to the wind. I was the one who proudly admitted I was an alcoholic. I had no problem drinking—I had two hands for each drink. “Come over for a beer!’ “Let’s go out for a drink!” “Let’s go wine tasting!” My life was surrounded by the good ol’ grape and potato juice. As a former bartender and one who makes drinks at everyone's parties, I knew what people liked. Drinks made to perfection and sometimes, an extra dose to loosen up the crowd. Oddly enough, although alcohol is a depressant, when I was completely down or upset, alcohol would make me “happy” and turn my grim mood around ….temporarily. I never knew that the long-term effects were depression and anxiety. I just thought alcohol cured it. I masked my anxiety and depression by drinking through it; self-medicating so to speak. I could always quit…if I wanted to. Sure, no problem, right? One evening while walking over to throw ...