Showing posts from December, 2017

Christmas is Cancelled

It's just not happening. I can't do it. I'm cancelling Christmas. I mean, I'm still going to celebrate Jesus' birth, but in a much different way. I have to step out of the family tradition this year. I LOVE my family, but I'm afraid it'll be too heartbreaking to even see them, or have them see me cry. Christmas Eve was always spent with the entire family, usually at night with a ton of seafood and drinks. I don't ever remember having a bad Christmas. I've never even missed a Christmas before...until this year. I want to go, but I can't. I was going to make pans of food and gather with my sisters and their extended families, but I just can't do it. I just want grab a bite to eat with my partner, have a martini and go home. Maybe I'll cry, maybe I won't, but I know I'll miss my mom terribly. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that she's not going to be here this Christmas. Yes, I know, people die -- get over it, rig


I know, I know... " She had to go." "It was her time." "She's in God's care now." "She was suffering." I lost her long before she died. I had anticipatory grief knowing that her time was almost running out. She even heard me cry a few times. Many times, I told her, "Ma, if you go, I go." I had this feeling that I would just die from a broken heart. I was doing ok for a while, living my life, working, cooking, doing everyday errands, etc., until recently. I found myself in a huge puddle of my own tears. In fact, I ran out of tissues and the only box of tissues left was in her bedroom near her pillow. She would cry herself to sleep sometimes because she was so scared that she was given an expiration date. I brought the tissues with me and cried my eyes out. I cried out, "How do I live without you?" She was the only person I spoke to about things I would never with someone else. She would give me her opinions and sug