Living Proof

It’s a message that’s been haunting me for some time now. People keep bringing it up: they didn’t get the part, their work was turned down for publishing, they didn’t get the job they wanted or the person their heart was after. Who’s a stranger to rejection? Rejection stems from a fear of failure. I’ve been speaking to a friend about this who is also a writer and struggles with rejection as well. I’ve been rejected many times. My music and songwriting has been rejected along with my photography, writing, painting and commercial art. I’ve submitted my writing to a slew of publishing houses, agents and even magazines. “Not my cup of tea”, or “this isn’t our thing”. Discouragement and fear set in, but for some reason, I didn’t give up. It not only has to do with successors in life- it holds many facets of trials in life, especially relationships with people. So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope t

(Actual photo of dad's lobsters.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be spending time with the family this Christmas, however, there are a few quirks that need adjusting on many levels when it comes to the whole “Christmas festivities”, which happens to fall on Christmas Eve for us. The entire family rounds up at my parents’ house at 7pm. Every single year, my father makes the feast of 7 fishes, because it’s basically the Italian tradition. During the course of a decade, one by one, each family member has begun to start the process of developing some type of allergy to shellfish. My father, being the retired owner of a fish market down on South Street Seaport in New York---he wouldn’t have Christmas any other way. Fish was it. That was the permanent menu from now on. We don’t know any other way. The first sister to develop a shellfish allergy had the worst reaction of all. She literally blew up like a tick and her throat closed up. She had to be sent to the emergency room. Now, be

Lately, I’ve been rummaging around in message boards and tinkering with the minds of many people. I brought up the whole homosexuality vs. religion debate of course, and bumped into the same wall about the interpretation of the bible. Why do many people equate homosexuality with sex only? When speaking about a heterosexual couple, people tend to think, oh well isn’t that lovely, these two will get married eventually, have kids and live a happy life. But, when speaking about a gay couple, people usually gravitate to the concepts of a sexual nature only. I had a discussion with one woman on this message board who asked me what I thought about the passages in Romans, where it speaks about how people burned with passion and lust towards each other of the same sex. She gave me these scriptures: Romans 1:26 For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural. Romans 1:27 And in the same way also the men abando

The other night while watching television with my girlfriend, I saw a documentary on the Yates massacre that happened back in 2002. Andrea Yates killed all 5 of her small children. Yates had the perfect life, until her husband Rusty got her more into a cult-like state and told her that they didn’t need so many materialistic things. So, they moved from a house into a trailer, and from a trailer into a bus. Andrea never said anything. She obeyed her husband, because that’s what the bible tells us to do. She became a complete zombie diagnosed with a mental problem, but, it wasn’t so much as a mental problem as it was her being brainwashed by her radical religious husband. Andrea was a normal woman when she married Rusty. She took care of her children and was a fun-loving mother who had a head on her shoulders. Little by little, the process of her husband’s brainwashing took effect and she started to literally deteriorate before everyone’s eyes, including her fa

It made sense for a long time: love the sinner, but hate the sin. I understand it and I know what it means, but sometimes, something just doesn’t settle right within my heart about that statement. It’s like me saying, ‘love the preacher, but hate his/her sermon.’ It means you just don’t believe in what the preacher is preaching. Is it simply not liking their character? Doesn’t the preach go hand-in-hand with the person’s character? Or are we listening to something that’s been told over and over like a broken record? There are two categories I’m going to put “sin” in: human nature type of sin and evil sin. There’s a distinct difference between the two. Human nature sin is where all of our weaknesses fail to make us perfect, ie: Christ. We keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. We can correct them of course, just like quitting smoking, but there are other sins waiting around the corner for us. It’s called “life”. Life happens and

Have you ever been used by somebody you cared about--not even necessarily relationship-wise, but used in the terms of them taking advantage of your good nature? We’re supposed to give without expectations and expect nothing more than a ‘thank you’ or some sort of appreciation. But what if that appreciation isn’t reciprocated or acknowledged? It shouldn’t matter, right? But, deep down inside, we feel this horrible twinge of sadness, because we've done so much for this person and we didn’t even get an acknowledgment. What’s an acknowledgement? Maybe it’s just a “thank you”. Or maybe, it’s some sort of gesture to indicate that it was needed; a sigh of relief. I was really hurt by a friend today. I feel bitter. I feel used. I feel all these negative things that I want to get out of my system. I hate feeling this way. I want to understand “why”, but sometimes, there are people out there that are brought up differently, or they don’t have it in their hearts to realize what they’re doing

Is it called “promoting sin” or reassuring everyone that our sins have been taken away by Christ? You decide. If everything were out in the open while being inside a church, how many people would hide their heads? When the light falls upon those who sin…everyone gets the spotlight ---everyone. Not one person is exempt. “Throw him out of our church! He’s gay! He’s a sinner!” “Throw her out of the church! She’s a divorcee remarried to her new husband while her ex is still alive! She’s a sinner!” “Throw that family out of church! They had a seafood dinner last night and that’s detestable in God’s eyes!” They’re sinners! “Throw that kid out of our church! He had an impure thought about the girl he walks to school with! He’s a sinner!” “Throw that man out of our church! He shaved his beard! He’s a sinner!” “Throw her out of church! She’s told a white lie! She told her friend that her hair looked great, when in fact, it was just awful! She’s a sinner! “Throw her out! She’s a gossip! She to

A lot of people say it doesn’t matter. They say they don’t care and ‘to each their own’ , but the truth is, they do care, or at least they’re curious about it. There seems to be a major fascination with the unknown, and sometimes, there’s a bigger fascination with something that’s known all to well to them. When hit between the eyes with the question that tugs on their own sexuality, they pull away and say it doesn’t matter, or deny anything that has any involvement with them. There’s a saying that whenever somebody hates something about a particular person, it usually has a lot to do with whatever they hate about themselves. Do you find this to be true? I hate stubbornness in a person. The reason for that is because I’m stubborn myself. I don’t want to be beaten at my own game. (Probably a bad example), but you get my idea. Repressed feelings can only be washed up ashore in a negative light. It comes off as defensive, combative and usually holds a sword of pain. Instead of avoiding w

S ometimes I wonder if I’m living it: hell on earth. Other times, I feel like God’s on my side. Some say that hell is a compilation of depression, anxiety, anger, pride, lust and pain. Doesn’t that fit the description of life here on earth? We all go through depressive states, anxiety of different forms, and other things that we can all relate to. There are people who believe that life here on earth is hell. Of course this goes against what I believe in, however, I feel that evil is much more prominent than 'good' here on earth. There are many people who insist that there can’t possibly be a God with all these bad things happening in our world. I can see their why they think that, but I also know what I feel to be true. Enslavement to sin: human nature and human desires. How do we manage to be perfect? Perfection is only seen in Christ, Jesus. We can’t possibly live up to His perfection, however they do tell us that we can try to be more like him the best we can. How do we kn

H ave you ever wondered if you’ve changed over the years? Have you ever looked back on your life and realized you’ve made some major adjustments? Even in relationships, sometimes the two people change. Sometimes, only one person changes. Or, can we even say that any one of them have changed at all? Whether you prefer to call it growth or you prefer to call it a few steps back, if the two people aren’t looking in the same direction in life, the relationship usually falls apart. How can two people stay together if they take different paths? That one fork in the road can totally devastate the relationship. Maybe later, the two roads join together, and you can continue holding hands again, and other times, those two roads never meet again. In my opinion, “pride” is one of the biggest things that destroys relationships of any kind. When pride gets in the way of forgiveness and compassion, it becomes cold, almost spiritless and indifferent. They say it takes a big person to say they’re sorr

Yesterday brought good news. My friend Tamar , who is a talented writer, finished her first book. She was so kind to send me an excerpt of it. As all of my close friends and family know, I write, but it takes a lot for me to read a book —or should I say finish one. I get disinterested really fast. This excerpt that she sent over to me was so interesting, that I couldn’t stop reading it. When it finished, I craved more. It stopped there? Then what? What happened? Wait! You can’t leave me hanging! When you can’t put a book down, you know it’s good. I’m so happy for her and thrilled that her passion for writing (among many other talents she has), came to fruition. After writing a book, even before it hits the publishers---it’s a huge accomplishment. You can visit her blog here . So, first of all, I’d like to say happy belated birthday, Tamar! I’ll be first in line waiting to get my book signed! Now get your butt over to my place and let's celebrate!!!

…that I’ve been neglecting my blog for so long and not updating you with what’s going on, (as though you’ve been sitting in the same spot waiting for me to return like some weird crazy stalker ). I’ve been so caught up with moving and adjusting my belongings to its new home and finally…just breathing. I do have a list of things I’ve learned throughout this whole moving ordeal. It’s a new community with new people and well, new growing pains here… My top ten list... 10. Recycling. Apparently, there’s a huge “save the earth” cult making its way to the area. Any can, bottle, or any metal or glass object in the wrong place will have you paying high fines or force you to give away your firstborn child. Cardboard has to be cut up and folded neatly. I’m sitting there stabbing the cardboard like a freaky homicidal lunatic screaming, “Bleed already! Bleed!!!” 9. My landlord. He’s a little funny gay Jewish man. He reminds me of an older Isaac Mizrahi. His voice is raspy and mannerisms are flamb

T here are two things in life to which I borderline loathing: gray areas (not knowing where I stand in life) and the in between process from depression to extreme happiness. I call it the “eh” stage. Some would call it the mediocre or content stage of your life. In the process of being caught in that gray area, it’s almost as if there’s no feeling at all. You can either take it or leave it. It’s just “eh”. Whatever. Things could be worse, but things could be much better. I’ve always fluctuated from being severely depressed, then rose up to that middle stage only to climb the stairs of extreme happiness. Doc says I don’t have bi-polar disorder, that I’m normal and that these stages are perfectly fine. I disagree, but I’m not sure if I prefer it this way. I don’t think being bi-polar or manic-depressive is a bad thing. Let me explain… In a depressive state-of-mind, I become analytical, more spiritual, extremely creative to where I write a helluva’ lot more and create new and different s

There are so many things that have evolved regarding social morality. Some even believe that it derives from religion itself, when in fact, man has been using the ‘evolving social morality’ to change certain things that they feel to be inappropriate, and/or to make “new laws”. People want ‘what’s best’ for their children and family. They want to stop human nature and become more reserved, self-disciplined and robotic. The stigma on “human nature” seems to correlate with “animalistic behaviors”. But, what was man really like 2,000 years ago? People back then, with various cultures practiced rituals on their children to become “men” or “women”, when hitting puberty. At the age of 13 years old, a lot of cultures would cast their children off after their rituals to become men- to provide for their new wives. Isn’t that sort of young? To us, it seems very young and senseless to put a child out there to provide for his wife and produce babies. But if you really think about it, God made our b

Why are so many Christians confused? They don’t understand that homosexuality is just an orientation. I’m speaking of those types of judgmental Christians; the radical ones who love to slander people. They confused homosexuality with pedophilia, rape, murder, and promiscuity in general and love slandering the gay community any way they can. Let me just make one thing clear: homosexuality has nothing to do with pedophilia. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. These ‘so called Christians” ramble on over the statistics that there are more gay men that are pedophiles than there are straight men. They’re wrong. I’m not slandering heterosexuals – I’m just stating a statistical fact. Pedophilia is in a whole different category all together. Pedophilia: sexual desire in an adult for a child. Homosexuality: sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one's own sex. It’s pure ignorance to think that homosexuality stems for the desire for pedophil

W hen we put our trust in God, what are we really doing? To some people, it means that we’re leaving all our responsibilities to something of the unknown. To others, it means that we trust in God- we let God work within us and help us with our life’s struggles. It depends on where your faith lies. It’s difficult to just say, “Oh here God, take my problems and let me be rid of them!” Then you look down, and see that they’re still there. What does it take to have God handle it all? Does God actually take full reign and tackle each problem at hand? Or is it just a ‘good feeling’ to say, “God take away all my problems!” I’ve tried giving all my problems to God. Sometimes, I found myself frustrated, because the problem still stood right in front of me, staring at me straight in the face. It’s still there. God didn’t take it away. As I delved deeper into the meaning of “take away my problems God”, I realized that it was more than just saying, “take away my problems”, it’s a matter of helping

T here’s always something tugging me back; holding me from whatever it is I want to do. It’s a debilitating feeling that has me kept inside my own prison: anxiety. Where does it come from and why does it persist? I’ve dealt with anxiety for a very long time – half my life actually. Sometimes it’s not bad, and other times, it’s so debilitating that it prevents me from doing everyday tasks. I can control it, but there are times when I just give up and let it take over. That part, of course, is my own fault. I read something today that encouraged me. “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7 Underneath the passage there was more… “Debilitating fear is not from the Lord. We can call upon God’s Spirit to give us the power to face our foes, the love to overcome evil with good, and the discipline to persevere through our trials. We have been given the power to turn from fear to faith.” And that right there tells me that I nee

B atten down the hatches, disinfect anything that has been outside your house, wash your hands, one, two, three times my lady, and remember not to let any outsiders inside your home. It’s a dangerous world out there and we need to be safe. Stock up on a huge Sam’s Club amount of Purell hand sanitizer and make sure you open all doors with your sleeve. Don’t let anyone touch you- not even your spouse! They reported on the news this morning that there is a new “bug” sweeping across the nation. This “bug” acts like a cold, but is dangerous enough to kill people. A 19-year-old boy died from this bug already. Apparently, this cold doesn’t get better, it just keeps progressing until it hits pneumonia and eventually death. I’m already neurotic with my OCD. This news comes shortly after the “super bug”. Antibiotics are resistant to both bugs and people are getting nervous all across the board. Now, I could be an alarmist and say terrorists are to blame, but I could be wrong of course. Seriou

W hen one door shuts, does another door open? Old question- I know. But, when something ends, something new must begin, right? Or does it just recycle itself back into your life in another form? I have two conflicting emotions inside of me tugging on both ends of my heart. There’s this sadness that’s beyond belief, and then there’s this excitement for a new and improved life that’s bursting out with joy. They’re both equal. The sadness part is, the “old life” needs to fade out and manifest itself into good memories. Or, were all those “good memories” just a bad dream? It’s hard to tell. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. We’ll see. I haven’t walked far enough past the sadness yet. They say, ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘what won’t kill you will make you stronger’. Sometimes I just want to laugh at those platitudes. I remember once, somebody telling me that time would heal me. While going through that ‘bad time’, I didn’t believe it. After a few years (yes, I know a long time), my

T here’s always someone in our lives who makes a difference; somebody who is able to make us smile when things are not going our way. Regardless if they have anything to say or nothing to say at all, it’s their mere presence that comforts us. It’s their constant persistence of wanting to help us through it all. There are no hidden agendas or underlying reasons why they’re so available and ready to see us the thickest of our darkest moments. There are no conditions. There are no expectations. These types of people are rare indeed. I call them God’s angels. Without them, life is mirthless. Wrapped up in life’s turbulences, these “angels” wrap their wings around you making sure you glide through life without scrapes or bruises. They make you giggle when you want to cry- they paint life’s picture so beautifully, making you want to jump right in it. Ingredients: love, encouragement, compassion, wisdom and empathy. What’s a true friend without these important qualities? I’m fortunate to ha

“Don’t cry!” my mother said, as she was consoling me last week. I’ve been hearing those words all of my life. To cry was to mean that you couldn’t handle it; you weren’t strong enough, or ‘the best will come along soon’. Some people have this misconception that I’m this hard-ass woman with no emotions whatsoever. I’m cold or unable to feel anything because I appear to be “strong”. I get all types of assumptions made about me all the time. How can I change peoples’ minds? I can’t. People leave lasting impressions---so this is mine: cold, heartless, uncaring and unable to feel. I handle things differently than most. If I get nervous or upset, I’ll sometimes throw in a joke or two, just to make the other person lighten up and laugh a little. To them, this means I’m not caring or that I’m just casting their feelings aside and goofing around. They really don’t know me. It’s hard for me to let go of tears in front of somebody else, but do they know the amount that’s released behind closed d