Living Proof

There's never a real end to anxiety or depression. There's only new coping skills and calming techniques that can help. Whether you are spiritual or not, it's been proven that those who have faith in God seem to pull through more than say those who don't believe. Same goes with grief: more people found help getting out of the pit of despair with faith in God, than those who didn't have faith. Whether it is all psychosomatic, or if it's really true (which I believe to be) --- it works. But I'm going to list off some more symptoms as well as coping skills that I have done to help me. Please keep in mind that I'm not a doctor or psychologist---I'm a patient who needs to work on myself---working on being OK every single day. And, it's also OK to not be OK. Just know and remember that when you need help or if you are in a crisis, reach out! Hopefully, my list will help in some way or another. I hope you feel better. H old O n P ain E nds...

After the bartender poured my second glass of wine, I heard my friend Jen say, "But love doesn't fade, Deb. It just doesn't. How can he want a divorce? We were once so in love and I still love him the same way. It's impossible for his love to fade." As I kept trying to digest what she was trying to say, also trying to hold back any words that may hurt her or completely destroy her disillusioned fairytale dream of "true love lasts forever" -- I just listened. Sometimes that's all you can do. She was in complete denial. I can tell she knew. She's smart. I guess when it comes to the heart, I think it's safe to say that we can all have those dumber than a box of rocks moments and become completely naive to what's right in front of our own eyes. This man hadn't slept in her bed for over three years. He hasn't even been home 80% of the time. He stays at his mother's house in hopes that she will sign the divorce papers and move out...

Our security system. We all want to feel safe. We all want that sense of security with whoever and wherever we are. Maybe it's based on our survival instincts or maybe it's due to each person's own experience and anxieties. Maybe all of the above. Who knows. I just remember when I was a little girl living with my parents and three older sisters - there wasn't anything that could've harmed us. Dad was always the strong and mighty one - nobody could move past him. If there was a noise outside, he'd come out like a big redneck holding his rifle shouting, "Whoz' out dare'?!?!" Whatever and whomever it was, fled real quick. We never worried about intruders or if we were ever going to get hurt at home in general. A sense - a feeling - a contentment that just was imbedded in us. We've seen "outsiders" fall ill and some pass away. But not our family. We were strong and nothing could get us…nothing. Safety is all a facade. And ev...

"Sit!" "Stay!" "Stop!" "Get off of there!" "Stop biting!" "No!" "Down!!!" This is all you would hear as I was walking Lola this morning. It's like all the trees magically turned into different colors. Bright red, orange and yellow leaves were all scattered on the lawn. If the wind picked up a leaf into flight, Lola would run after it as if it were a squirrel. The air was crisp, the sky had a dark gray tone to it with sunbeams darting through different directions. October 1rst... October is our favorite time of the year. My dad's favorite time of the year as well. As I walked further down the lawn with Lola, yelling out, "Don't eat that" and "Stop barking at the cat", I felt like I was being watched - even worse off, being laughed at. I had an overwhelming sense that Dad was nearby, chuckling over my frustrations with "that damn dog" as he would jokingly call her. A coupl...

I don't care if you're a hard-headed, unforgiving, bitter ol' sonnovabitch, but most everyone holds onto old wounds, or at least remembers them. New wounds always need time of course. You don't have to be the "nice guy" or the sensitive soul that absorbs way too much. While we're all wired so differently and beautifully, we all have egos and hearts that break and shatter. I'm guessing about 80% + people are in therapy trying to 'figure it all out', while the rest are out there seeking some sort of outlet (and relief) to distract them from the chaos that lives inside their minds. You've heard the saying, "Idle time is the devil's playground", and while that may ring true, we may also find ourselves running away from what hurt us instead of facing it head on. The fact remains, wherever you go, for however long 'something' distracts you, there is going to be a time when your moments are idle and your thoughts come flutt...

"I'm just fine thank you." The biggest lie in the world is, "I'm fine." And oddly enough, the one question that really doesn't want to get answered is, "How are you?" Or in New Yawk, it's "How you doin'?" It's become more of a greeting than a genuine concern of one's well being. Strange how that works, yet it's the most common phrases that people use. I remember a funny story about a friend telling me, "Never ask him how he's doing - it'll never end."  I tested it like a jackass.  "How are you, John?" He looked up at me, shook his head and said, "Not good...not good. I lost my job the other day, I have all these bills piling up and I'm totally broke. I can't seem to get my car running because the transmission blew and I have no way to get to any interviews. Mah wife is bitching at me because she's the only one working and on top of that, she's always out with her...

"Well it can't be all that bad since you've gone out a couple of times this week," she texted, while trying to prove a point that I was miraculously and emotionally healed just by going out for a bite to eat (and drink) with either my mom or my wife at the local bar and grill. Did she just expect me to sit home and cry for another six months or so? Would that prove to her that my love for my father was genuine? My friend was very angry, bitter and very sad over a few things. She's going through a horrible divorce after an abusive marriage and her dog just got hit by a car and didn't make it. She is self-medicating heavily, and dangerously I might add. She continued on with her rant... "I've been drinking and popping xanax from morning till night not getting out of bed for nearly a week because of my sadness between my divorce and my dog. My dog wasn't just a pet, he was my world." My response was, "I'm so sorry you're feeling...

On the news, I heard the anchorman say that people live longer if they have ten or more friends. I'm assuming it had to do with more social interacting to lead healthier lifestyles. I wonder if they even mentioned a word about some of those ten friends being the toxic types of people we tend to avoid. "They" also used to say that if you can count your friends on one hand, then you were indeed, very lucky - and that it was better to have three good friends than a bunch of acquaintances or friends that were, umm, toxic. So, I guess they never really grasped on what kind of friends we should have, but I'm guessing overall, it's our socializing that makes us more complete - more opportunities - more networking.  And then we have social media where, wow, we have over 5,000 "friends". So, what does "friend" mean to the newscaster reporting this? And what does "friend" mean to you reading this right now? For me, if a friend can make me lau...

Truth be told, I can’t tell if this year was better than last, or if ten years ago was all that much better, but I do know that “today” seems paralyzing. Emotionally, I can’t seem to function to where people would like me to. Spiritually, I feel deafened by the words of God. Physically, I feel drained - depleted of all energy, and other days, I can walk or cycle miles at a time, taking all my frustrations out on whatever fuel I have left to work on. I’ve been hypocritical, judgmental and in a state of rage. It’s the person I never wanted to become. Here she is: Cynical. Pessimistic. Depressed. Numb. The black cloud that’s been following me hasn’t quite dissipated yet, or as fast as I would like it to. I expect too much, and often get disappointed with people or situations. I’m up all night with insomnia, because if I do fall asleep, the first seconds of ‘falling’ are interrupted by intense jolts of anxiety, making me gasp for air. My heart races and leaves me awake, listening to the ...

This morning, the rain seems to be a lot heavier, with a bit more steam behind it. I can’t imagine just mere clouds in the sky having so much tears to shed; a constant flow of sadness and bleakness barreling down my roof and the streets below. In ways, it’s a beautiful, comforting sound, and in other ways it feels very dreadful and sad. On the other hand, the rain inspires me to write, however it also makes me think of things in the past, conjuring up thoughts that tug upon my heartstrings: a past love, a death of a close friend or feelings of inadequacies, etc. Sometimes it even churns my current situation and asks, “Are you truly happy?” Am I truly happy? What does that even mean? What does that mean to each and every individual? “Happiness”. The word alone sometimes makes me wonder if it’s all a facade; a mask that hides the hidden tears, just as umbrellas save us from the rain. We’re still “in the rain”, yet not getting the full effect, showing everyone around us that we’re okay ...

While walking out of the supermarket today, I had noticed a woman pushing her cart toward her car, which happened to be parked next to mine. She couldn’t be more than 35 or so, but what I noticed were tears streaming down her face as she placed each grocery bag into the trunk of her SUV. She didn’t appear to be sobbing - just tears that fell lightly down her cheek. I tried not to look so much, but my heart was breaking. Maybe this was the only time she could let out her emotions before she came home to a houseful of screaming kids or perhaps, a demanding husband. I was trying to imagine all sorts of scenarios in my head. Maybe someone in the supermarket insulted her? Maybe she just got a disturbing call on her cell phone? Regardless, it was none of my business. I felt the need to go up and console her, but she’d probably shift into her self-defense mode and insist that everything was okay. I hate to see other people hurting. Have you ever felt like there was absolutely no outle...