Living Proof

Slowly plugging away attempting to write my second book, I've taken a much different avenue this time. Back in 2003, when I wrote my first book, my outlook was strangely different than it is now. Although I claimed to have been "born again" -- I truly wasn't at all. I admit this. And what I mean by not being born again as I claimed, I speak about the deep relationship I have with God -- not just "Oh I believe in God, therefore I'm saved." And...while faith and belief in God alone will ultimately get you saved, it's the 'fruits' of your faith which are most important. I kept asking God to change me -- to have me get to truly know who God was. I wanted a deeper relationship with Him.  The truth is, the Holy Spirit cannot live inside a body full of sin and sinful thoughts. There can't be two oppositions living under one "roof" so to speak -- and yet -- while the flesh is weak, the Spirit is stronger. You don't have to be p...

Anticipatory Grief If you think back to a time when you were going through the roughest stage in your life, can you remember what pulled you through it? Do you remember how long you suffered for? If you were to have asked me a little over four months ago if I would be "OK" if my mom was going to pass away the next day, I wouldn't even entertain the thought. Even while my mother was in excruciating pain, I had hope that she would have gotten better. There was something telling me that this was the final stage. See, Mom kept a secret from me. This whole time I had thought she had stage two cancer. She was on stage four with no other options from her oncologist. She kept this secret to save me from killing myself. The month before she died, I got to take her to the shore, spend time with her, gave her a Mother's Day BBQ outside by the ocean with our family, and it was just magical. What happened next just spun my whole world around. I was having anticipatory grief. Mo...

It was another sleepless night as I lay there awake holding my dog while she was wrapped up in a warm fleece blanket. I sometimes use her as a teddy bear when I'm feeling very emotional. She doesn't mind either, it just means more warmth for her. Any time my mother has to go in for a procedure or for a check up to see if her cancer has lessened or worsened, I get that same feeling as I did when my dad went through this ordeal. I remember coming home from a long day of sitting with Dad at the hospital. He was screaming in pain and I didn't know how else to help him other than to hold his hand. The nurses weren't quick enough to fulfill his pain medication on a time. His IV bag was empty and well, so was my patience. I went out to the nurses' station and screamed at them, letting them know that they were making my father suffer and that it was just inhumane. They all rushed in with extra IVs and bags of morphine, scared that I would've made more of a psychotic s...

There’s not a whole lot you can say about someone else’s circumstances and how you think  they should handle them. Everyone has a cross to bear and there is no way we can spew off cliches like, “This too shall pass” and other type of comforting words to try and soothe someone who has finally given up on life. A friend of mine wrote a piece about how people use the term, “I feel your pain” more time than necessary. No one can feel your pain, even if they’ve been through similar situations. This morning, I found out an old friend/acquaintance of mine had taken her life yesterday afternoon. I’ve lost a few friends this way and you always think, “What could have made them do such a thing?” There’s no way to get inside somebody’s head, but there are signs. It’s tricky, because sometimes “signs” are just attention getters, and while that may be true, you may actually give attention to someone who ‘may have’ gone downhill if the attention wasn’t given. You always have to think of it th...

Everyone has a breaking point with any type of circumstance in life. Whether it's dealing with a crabby boss, having issues with your spouse, struggling to make ends meet or a huge life change due to loss of a loved one, (which is my biggest challenge at the time). There are two types of breaking points: the breaking point where you finally throw in the towel and give up completely and let it defeat you, or the breaking point that sets your mind and ambition to change your situation, or at least do something more productively to offset it. I'd like to say that I opt for the second one, but sometimes I fall into category #1 and completely shut the world out, including myself. I decided that I was done moping around, still mourning (will always mourn for my dad), but instead of sacrificing my own happiness, I'll take care of myself so I can help others in some way. Baby steps. I started cycling again every morning, sometimes reaching 7-10 miles (which is like 3 miles in tre...

In a strange way, rain seems to be healing for me - mostly on an emotional scale. I get to shut down, withdraw or perhaps just regroup, recharge and start all over again. While I don't expect life to be a complete bed of roses, I know there are going to be challenges ahead. It's not a matter of "if", but "when".  I've been praying and praying for a span of calmness, happiness, togetherness with my family and friends and God has given that to me. I know that any given moment, I can get a call in the middle of the night saying, "Dad's in the hospital again" or "Come down, Dad's sick - what should we do?" We all anticipate these occurrences and somehow pull through it, but there's a tiny part of me that "stays awake", even if asleep, as though I'm waiting for the call or waiting for the 'alarms' to set off. My shoes are always at the end of the bed with a pair of jeans just in case I have to slip in...