Showing posts from January, 2018

Complicated Friendships As an Adult?

Every friendship is different. We acquire some friends by meeting them at events or through somebody else. We relate to them either by similar interests, or just relating because you are of the same culture and can share similar past stories and recipes. Whatever the connection is, it should be mutual, respectful and most of all -- a positive experience. Most of my friends were acquired through my childhood and school days. Anyone within the past decade or so are very few. I think it's safe to say that once you hit a certain age in life, you become more selective in who you want to spend your time with, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. For me, connecting with someone definitely means ZERO complications on any scale. It should be nothing but positive and edifying. Of course, you can definitely run into misunderstandings, and that's okay, but when it becomes a normal occurrence that your friend is constantly complaining about something you're doing or somethi

When Grief Consumes You

Honestly, I don't know how I'm still alive today. I do contribute most, even all of my survival with praying to God every single morning and night. Whenever my mom would talk about "post mom" -- I couldn't even fathom the thought. "When I'm gone....yada yada yada," -- One evening, we were talking over a couple of drinks before dinner. She went on again about her "post mom" talk. I immediately interrupted her and said, "WHEN I'M gone....yada yada yada." The thought, the 'talk of it' was so traumatizing that I told her that if she ever left me I would just die, or worse off, kill myself. "Oh no you won't, mama! Promise me." She used to call all of her daughters, "mama" or "mommy." It was cute. I truly believed the worst would happen to me if she ever left me. I was praying to God a lot then too, but not as much as I do mom. I hung onto God so tightly, tha

Navigating the Waves of Grief

Sometimes I wonder if there are truly signs from our loved ones or if they're just plain ol' coincidences. I have had major signs of my mom, but you could always debunk it to something else that just happened to make its way to my attention. Some people of certain religions, like Christianity believe that signs and contact with deceased loved ones could be what's called "familiar spirits." If you have ever gone to a psychic medium to contact a deceased loved one, most likely, you are contacting a "familiar spirit" -- which is a spirit that is not your loved one, but knows everything your loved ones knows, most likely, demons. They may tell you about a special pendant that you have in your jewelry box to prove to you that it's them. I spoke about this incident a few times before, but one early morning at around 3am, I was reading an article on the sofa in my living room. I couldn't sleep. It was a few weeks after my mother's passing. I

My Hardest Cross to Bear

Have you ever just wanted to pack your bags and visit another state far, far away just to shut your mind off? Some would call it vacation, but I call it "the big brain reprogram." There's something to be said about being in a different atmosphere when you're going through a tough period in your life. I remember last May I was having horrible heart palpitations. I was caring for my mom, while watching her decline more and more. She needed more pain meds, more oxycodone, more morphine, more hospital visits. I wasn't sleeping at all. I was a walking zombie most of the time. I remember sitting in my living room in my section of the house crying. I didn't think anyone could hear me. My sister was downstairs visiting Mom and texted me, "Are you okay?" I didn't realize anyone could hear me. I didn't realize how hard I was crying. I was having anticipatory grief. I knew Mom was dying. I didn't want to see her die. I couldn't watch it....

Keep Your Circle Small

You can probably scroll through my entire website and find an article or two similar to this one. I guess it's something I speak about often only because it rears its ugly head again and again. At this point in my life, I just want uncomplicated and pleasant friendships with no hidden agendas, or jealousy or some sort of underlining anger. I also want to say that I'm not easily offended, unless it happens more than a dozen times. Then I'm at my boiling point, where the comebacks or even downright insults (proverbial slaps in the face) come rising up to the surface. Simple rule of mine: be nice to me and I'll be nice to you. But I keep finding people who are just...not very nice. I'm very observant to the possible causes and can empathize. But I could never randomly hurt someone, or insult them, even if I didn't particularly care for them. It's not how I work. But when someone presses my buttons more often than not, I tend to be a little more blunt, perha

It's Okay to Let Go...

Miraculously, I made it out of the holidays alive somehow. I didn't know how I would react to it all. I wasn't sure. Christmas without Mom? Without Dad? My partner, Madelene was a huge support system for me, although some people in her family were upset she didn't make it to their events over an hour away. I get it, but this was my first Christmas without my mom. If you can't understand why she couldn't just fly off during Christmas and leave me, then I'm not sure what to say. My partner has known my mom for over 25 years -- she even called her, "Mom." My siblings are her siblings. We decided to head over to my sister's Christmas Eve party and spend some quality time with them. It was important this year. I didn't want to stay home and cry all night, plus, that wouldn't be fair for Madelene. We had a nice time with everyone and then later that night, we headed up. It started snowing while we were driving. It looked so beautiful as the s