But then my Christian friends said, "Well test the spirits to see if it was real or not." I have no idea what that means at all to tell you the truth. I don't know how to "test the spirits." The only thing I can do is pray for a hedge of protection anytime I'm praying about my mom, or if I need God to send my mother a message. The thing is, my mom is in peace right now, living a life of freedom. Why would I want to call upon her when she's the happiest she's ever been? But what about me? (The selfish part kicks in.) "What about me, Mom? You left me here!" Or, "God took you from me, it's not fair!"
What I've learned so far from losing both parents is this: death is inevitable. We're expected to lose our parents at some point, and you're lucky if you've spent all of your childhood with them into adulthood. Right? So what makes it a "tragic" incident that a parent dies at the age of 79? I mean -- for ME it's tragic, but that's the selfish me. And I admit, it kicks in an awful lot. Many people, including someone I know very well who is very upset over my mom's passing --- sometimes you challenge God and say, "Well, I don't think I have anymore faith now. Why would God do this to me?" I did this too, and you guys know how much faith I have in God -- it's not even faith anymore -- it's more like "I know that I know that I know" type of faith...
Do you think you can lie to God and say that you don't believe in Him anymore? God made us! God knows that we're thinking and He also knows our heart. You can't fool him. I told my friend, "Get mad at him, tell him why you're upset, yell, scream, but then ask Him to heal you." You can get mad at God -- He UNDERSTANDS. But don't say you're not going to have faith anymore. That's like looking at a maple tree that's standing right in front of you and saying, "I don't see anything." The truth is, you can't fool God. Bring your case to Him. Pray until you can't pray anymore. Watch and listen and be conscious of the hidden answers. Nobody likes mysterious and hidden answers. They want everything quickly, as they would if they Googled the answer. It doesn't work that way. The teacher is always quiet while giving a test.
Last week I was in a very bad state of mind. Whenever I have a huge wave of grief, other emotions take hold and I become a little combative with my loved ones. I even think irrational thoughts, borderline paranoid assumptions. This can make me very hard to live with, (God bless Madelene's heart!) Grief can do that to you. It can rip your heart out and make other people feel your pain as well. So whenever I get those waves, I go back into my "Deb Cave" and pray. I pray until the pain stops. I pray until I have some sort of better understanding. I pray until my heart stops screaming for help. My mom left me with these little proverbs she once wrote years ago when she was a born again Christian. One of them said, "My soul cries when your heart hurts." I'm not sure why she wrote that, or maybe she was writing it for God -- as God's soul cries -- but I found it recently and felt it was her message seeing me grieve so terribly lately.
Bear with me as I try to navigate through my grieving process. I'm not just going to vent, but I will also tell you what helped me as I go through this all. I'm here so that maybe someone can relate to my story as well as to help those who need some advice through my own findings and struggles. I play to LIVE LIFE and conquer this grief, and make it my testimony! Each wave of grief teaches me something new. I will always be sharing my experiences as well as coping mechanisms that helped me. Most of the time the answer is going to be something that God gave me.
Hang in there if you're in a bad state of grieving. The wave doesn't last forever. God gives us peace in the midst of chaos, please believe that.
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