Living Proof

There was a time when I actually used to love life. I looked forward to each and every day, hoping something new would be waiting for me. But as time grew, as well as my age, there seems to be little to no happiness, excitement, fun...or even hope. I used to laugh a lot more and take life less seriously. Time is flying by so quickly too. I think to myself, "Am I gonna be 75 years old sitting out on my deck, regretting all this wasted time in this wasted life?" There are things that I don't quite understand, like those who made you feel special yesterday, would decide to make you feel like you're a nobody today. That sort of thing kinda stabs you in straight in the heart. I've shut down. I have decided to rid of all the toxic people in my life. My nightly seizure activity has increased greatly. I can't even get a phone call back from my doctor to get an MRI. The other day while shopping, I stepped outside of the store with two bags in my hand thinking,

You wouldn't know it when she walked into the room that she was insecure and afraid of almost everything. She wore a smile, even though she may have been crying all day. Her laughter was infectious. People drew into her web of 'happiness' to absorb it for themselves, all the while it was she trying to absorb the happiness from others. Outgoing as she may have seemed, she went into hiding in order to avoid people -- to avoid the negativities of others, as she was quite the emotional sponge. She was very sensitive, taking offense into all things said and unsaid. As quick as she was to help others, she was also in need of help but never dared to ask. Part of it was, she never wanted to impose on others and also didn't want others to know how badly she was truly suffering. Through emotional pain, came physical pain which ultimately boomeranged back into emotional pain again -- the 'being sick and tired of being sick and tired syndrome'.  She often would make state

I was up all last night with my little anxiety-induced seizures. I decided to just stay awake and maybe watch TV, but TV meant eventually flipping over to CNN to watch the ebola crisis, so I then decided to read a little. I found an article called, "Why I Hope My Ex Was a Once in a Lifetime Kind of Love".  It's not what you think either -- she isn't a "bitter ex", nor does she want a "better love". In one excerpt, she writes, "I hope I never find someone I love as much as him. I don’t say that because I am a cynic, and I don’t say that because I hope we get back together. I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I felt incomplete when I wasn’t around him, and when he was near it was like everything was right in the world

I'm sitting here listening to the rain, trying to finish up a chapter from my book. Hopefully it'll be out before winter hits us. I've been thinking a lot. And by a lot, I mean obsessively thinking to the point of insomnia. I'm very sad, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to just drop people from your life without any sort of explanation whatsoever. Most of the time, it's because we're old enough to know what we don't want in our lives, and that the person who is filling up your love tank with a bunch of toxic waste should learn the hard way of why they're being dropped. An explanation would just conjure up a negative response. As I have learned, silence is the best communicator when distancing yourself from negative people. As I always say, "Just pretend I'm dead," and that's that. You don't have to give an explanation of why you died, because you're simply not there any longer. While pushing up daisies, they can f

We weren't your typical everyday Italian/Catholic family. We held all the traditions of a typical New York Italian family, like the smells of dinner being prepared at 8am and dinner served by 2pm on a Sunday afternoon. We went through the motions of ceremonial rituals of a typical Catholic family: CCD, communions and confirmations, but rarely attended mass because those Sunday dinners were started way too early. We were always taught about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but we weren't bashed over the heads with bibles. We were taught right from wrong, but like any normal kid, two wrongs always equaled a "right". Kinda still does till this day. I remember grandma giving the "evil eye", and then telling us to always forgive one another. Sometimes Mom and Dad would fight about something. Dad would throw something against the wall and then Mom would be in another room in complete silence pretending to sleep. He never hurt her or any one of us, but he had outb

If you ask anyone if they're stressed out, the answer is going to most likely be one big "YES". If they aren't, I want what they're having. Aside from that, while I was heavily into the Paleo diet, trying to lose weight and boost my immunity, it's not all about the food you eat in order to keep you healthy -- it's about getting a good night's sleep and eliminating unnecessary stressors from your life. I mean -- how on earth are we supposed to dodge every stress bullet that comes flying our way? It's impossible sometimes. I remember an old co-worker of mine used to tell all the time, "Save it for the big stuff, Deb. Trust me." I was only 23 years old and stressing out as if I had 12 kids and an abusive husband. I had none of that. I stressed over every single little detail of my life. At the age of 40, I still fret over -- well, mostly anything sometimes. I tell my mom I get it from her. Although she is quite the worry wart, she doesn

There's a saying and I think it goes, "No one can offend you without your permission." I easily give away my "offended card" and chuck it up to just one of those silly events. More and more, I have been developing strength -- developing my spiritual muscle, so to speak. I have been trying so hard to maintain calmness even when those around me are explosive. But, I'm human and I can only take so much. That's not an excuse though. I can do better. Every single day, I pray and meditate on God giving me the strength to 'keep it together' when someone attacks me -- to remain quiet -- at peace. When someone pushes you to your limits, sometimes it's all you can do to just remain in your 'zen moment'. Perhaps a different approach needs to be taken, like what Joel Osteen said during his sermon this past Sunday. He was stating that you should put your walls up. He said, "Let them talk about you -- you must be someone of worth to have t

My sick baby. Enough of this 'deep thought' kind of stuff. I just want to recap upon some of the current events. I have issues (as you all know) -- but I'm talking about issues that just makes me wanna shake people by their collars. For starters, I have packed up my precious prized possessions and my favorite blanky and hightailed it into my bubble. I don't have room for anyone other than my Lola. Then I decided, she's not welcomed too after yesterday's fiasco of pukin' & poopin' all day. So she's out. Poor pup. Ebola has finally arrived in the United States. A few things come to mind: I won't be visiting the ER anytime soon, so right there is a roundabout plus. Also, Lysol and Purell are making a shitload of money off of me. I scan through comments of each ebola story on the internet. Our country is so incredibly stupid. They really are. I know I contribute to some of that, but these people just bypass my inane sense of current events.

Kind of latching onto my previous post about being verbally abused and other various things, I'm sitting here thinking about ways to cope with those types of people. I truly believe that your words and especially your actions will dictate what kind of life you will have, whether it be a peaceful one, or a life filled with tons of unnecessary drama. As I season with age, I'm also learning that my own words and actions have a cause and effect. If I slap a complete stranger in the street, chances are I'm gonna get a slap back or perhaps a tenfold in return. As my own mother always said, "Turn the other cheek." But that's kinda' hard for me to do sometimes. Then my mother-in-law said something pretty wise to me a few weeks ago. She said, "Whenever you're being verbally attacked, let them hear themselves go on and on. Let them hear their own voices. Don't say a word. Just walk away." She wasn't saying to just let people walk all over