Living Proof

Normally during this time of the year, especially with the long stretch of February, I'm no joy to be around. I'm depressed, grumpy, cranky, irritable, impatient----you get my drift. Last year, I cannot tell you how many times I almost checked myself into the funny farm, but this year was quite different, especially for a February. With that being said -- the holidays is a whole other can-o-beans because I'm just nutty around Christmas regardless. But February is my 'to-be-feared' month for those around me. As you've heard a million and one times before, I'm still on a very low carb diet, (Paleo) and doing things to boost my immunity and health, like eating egg yolks and not just egg whites to appease calorie/cholesterol intake. I started taking 3,000 IUs of vitamin D. I get my calcium and vitamin C through broccoli and steer away from fruit. I also take 1,000 mg of vitamin C (probably just expensive urine), but I find that it helps somewhat. If at all pos...

"Oh no! It's daylight again!" We all get down from time to time, it's normal. You feel sluggish, you don't want to get out of bed and your motivation is next to none. There are so many ingredients to depression that it's sometimes hard to pinpoint what's brewing. Whether circumstantial, chemical imbalance or SAD ( Seasonal Affective Disorder ), everybody deals with it one time or another. Usually, right after the holidays and all of the excitement, people are coming down from their 'high', which may explain why they're either grumpy or just downright gloomy. Then again, the holidays seem to bring many of us down as it is, which is strange because the holidays are supposed to be filled with "joy", but in many cases, not. With it being only six months on Christmas since I lost my Dad, I felt more numb than depressed. It felt strange. Every single member of my family brings in their own individual vibrant glow of their own, so when ...

On Christmas Eve, Madelene and I have a little tradition that we never break. We go to our favorite restaurant, sit at the bar, order a dry martini straight up with olives and an antipasto for two. We then head off to my sister's Christmas Eve party. While sitting at the bar this year, we noticed two older men at the way corner end and a few stragglers to the side of us. The female bartender was swamped with orders from the tables as well as right in front of her. She couldn't pour fast enough. She looked like she was ready to throw in the towel. I said, "Come to the other side of the bar and have a drink with us," - in jest of course, and she said, "Ugh God I wish!" It wasn't even minutes later when the old man sitting over in the far corner screamed out, "Goddamnit! This is the worst Manhattan I've ever tasted! Are you kidding me?" -- He went on and on about it. A sufficient, "Can I have another drink, this one isn't very good...

This morning, the rain seems to be a lot heavier, with a bit more steam behind it. I can’t imagine just mere clouds in the sky having so much tears to shed; a constant flow of sadness and bleakness barreling down my roof and the streets below. In ways, it’s a beautiful, comforting sound, and in other ways it feels very dreadful and sad. On the other hand, the rain inspires me to write, however it also makes me think of things in the past, conjuring up thoughts that tug upon my heartstrings: a past love, a death of a close friend or feelings of inadequacies, etc. Sometimes it even churns my current situation and asks, “Are you truly happy?” Am I truly happy? What does that even mean? What does that mean to each and every individual? “Happiness”. The word alone sometimes makes me wonder if it’s all a facade; a mask that hides the hidden tears, just as umbrellas save us from the rain. We’re still “in the rain”, yet not getting the full effect, showing everyone around us that we’re okay ...

Have you ever noticed a drastic change in your mood either due to your environment or the lack of daylight that you get in one day? Usually this time of year drives me insane because I start to develop SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), which many people have and they simply don’t know about. During the winter months, the days shorten, which leads to less sunlight, less vitamin D and of course, less endorphins to give us that “happy jolt” in our brain. I’ve written about this many times, which is why it still amazes me that I wonder why some days I’m feeling extremely low, and other times I’m feeling extremely high. For instance, yesterday was freezing outside. We have a slight draft coming in from the sliding glass door near the living room area. I tend to close the blinds hoping that it’ll help keep things a bit warmer. I also have skylights in the living room, to which I close the blinds on those as well in hopes of a warmer home. This leads to a very dark, yet cozy condo. I...

Ah, Wednesday morning, the birds are chirping, the kids are outside laughing and playing while waiting for the bus and the goddam neighbor is putting up drywall in the apartment next to me. I’ve been battling with chronic fatigue syndrome for the past three weeks now and it has affected my work and play a great deal. Saturday I had a nice little break from this foggy feeling and was able to mingle with my friends. Come Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, I was a total dishrag. In fact, every single muscle in my body ached and my thoughts were scrambled as if I sucked down an entire bottle of cough medicine. Some would call it depression or (SAD) Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I’m going to go with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Yes, I have officially diagnosed myself. I’ve been working on a few projects at one time and I’m not much of a multitasker. My personal diagnosis of ADD tells me this. Or could it be a mere “disinterest”? Who the hell knows - everything is so damn vague these day...

During a conversation with a close friend, she reminded about her “bad months”. Bad months can mean anything for anybody. It can be a month when in the past, a loved one died or a significant relationship came to an end, or anything that reminds you of something that took a toll on you emotionally. Most people associate “bad months” with the winter months. Usually there are combinations of why each person gets a little down during this time. For one, technically, winter months shorten the span of daylight, which provides us with vitamin D through ultravoilet rays. If we don’t get enough sunlight or vitamin D through supplements or ultraviolet lights (tanning beds and special lighting just for this purpose), then we could end up feeling down or depressed. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is a very common thing among many people. Some people don’t even know why they’re depressed. The depletion of vitamin D can be very dangerous for some. With holidays approaching, this can wreak havoc ...

Intellectuals don’t impress me. Highly educated people don’t impress me either. I’m speaking about the ones who make it known to the world and hold up their degrees like a flag that their education makes them who they are today. In my opinion, your experience and heart makes you who you are today; the way you love and the way you treat others is what makes you who you are today. There isn’t a degree in the world that would prove to me that you’re lovable or reliable. It’s your vulnerability, your efforts in life and your ability to make people feel loved is what makes you lovable. I’ve always been told, “Don’t date a man who treats his mother poorly.” I don’t date men, so I don’t know what to go by anymore these days. So not the point here... I recently found myself surrounded by a bunch of gals who were talking about their anxiety and depression. I listened, remained quiet and overheard one girl talking about the tons of medications she was on. Some even had harmful interactions whi...

What does it take to be perfect? What’s the true definition of “perfection”? Is it to be flawless? Is it to become exactly what is pure and true? Does any one of us hold these qualities? It’s a hard standard to live up to. Once we see an imperfection in our character, we immediately self-destruct emotionally sometimes. Once we see an imperfection in someone else’s character, we’re quick to judge. We’re quick to comment on that flaw that’s just been revealed. Why? Is it because we want to be perfect? Is there such thing as being ‘more perfect than the next’? Or is it simply being human? Lately, I’ve been noticing many flaws in my character. I’ve been dwelling on the negatives and throwing out all positive reinforcements in my life. Each time I “sin” or break some kind of promise to myself or to others, I punish myself with negative dialog and plague myself with depression. I actually inflict the depression upon myself. I know, it sounds absolutely crazy, doesn’t it? A friend of mine w...