Posts

Showing posts from September, 2009

Screaming Whispers

Image
My neighborhood is undergoing major construction. They’re renovating old condos and putting up new ones. The constant hums of backhoes and bulldozers pummeling down upon new territory has been a normal everyday occurrence. The loud beeping sounds from machines going into reverse has been forever embedded into my brain. It’s just a background noise now. Around around 4pm, it seems to simmer down because when I get home, it’s pretty peaceful. I hear kids playing on the street, the sounds of feet pounding the pavement by a passing runner or two and a few dogs barking here and there. That to me, is peaceful. When I got home last night, it was a different story. I had lugged all of my things up the stairs and into my apartment. I went into my office where it overlooks another set of apartment buildings with their decks facing me. I sat down to finish up some things on the computer before making dinner for Madelene. A few moments later, I hear a woman screaming bloody murder. She

Love Keeps No Record...

Image
What makes a couple stay together for so long? What’s their secret? I’ve heard that asked a million times, and still, people always say, “You gotta keep the spark alive”, or “Always laugh together”.   I think all of that is part of the makeup, but what about true, unconditional acceptance? I had dated a girl a while back, where I said, “This is me.”  She said she wouldn’t have me any other way, until months down the line when she just couldn’t handle “me” anymore. I came with a warning label and always put my cards out on the table. When I met Madelene, I did the same. I also expected the same response, but she seemed stronger than the rest. Months went by, years went by, and she still loved, “me”. It’s not all about finding the “perfect person” - it’s about accepting and loving the person for who they are, even finding yourself not wanting to live without their idiosyncrasies. What would I ever do if I wasn’t with Madelene and I didn’t get to hear her sneeze a hundred tim

Our Upcoming Anniversary: Reflections & Funny Moments

Image
It’s all flooding back into my mind as thoughts trickle back to this time last year. We were preparing for our big day, October 11th. I was so excited to marry my best friend, and at the same time, scared to death of the ceremony itself: “Will I pass out? Will I trip and fall walking in the sand up to the priest? Will my hair come out okay?” All of these anxiety provoking thoughts literally drove me insane. For the few months right before our wedding, I drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t want the ‘what if’ thoughts haunting me until my feet turned into complete icicles. I wanted my jitters to disappear and excitement of ‘oh it’s just a vacation’ type of feeling to take its place. At the home front, Madelene would not let me watch Bridezilla. She forbid it. I really didn’t know why since I wasn’t complaining about anything. ..yet. I watched it on my own and had seen what these people had to endure. Some of it was funny, and some of it was more anxiety provoking than I had

The Jab

Image
Sometimes I feel like everybody in my life wants to give me a jab because either they’re in a bad mood or they resent me for something.  Maybe it’s all in my head, I don’t know. As of lately, I’ve noticed certain people who are in my life poking at me for the smallest of things, making a big fiasco out of nothing. I find that if I don’t respond the way they want me to (combative and explosive), then they seem to get angrier. I simply accept what they say, without it seeming arrogant or nonchalant, nor undermining their feelings, and then I get blasted with a well thought out rebuttal as though they were saying, “Watch--this’ll get under her skin...” Even when I try to go out of my way for these people to do nice things for them, or to make them feel better when they’re seemingly in a disgruntle mood, I get comments like, “Aww, was that a Hallmark moment for you?” Maybe I don’t understand people as well as I thought I did. Maybe I’m doing something wrong here but all I know is, pe

A Lesbian Antifeminist?

Image
Back in November of 2004, I was finally fed up with wearing contact lenses and having to wear these Coke bottle-like glasses when my eyes needed a rest from being suffocated. Although the glasses I wore were high end names and very trendy, my eyes appeared like little black dots due to the extreme near-sidedness. It looked like I had no eyes: just a mouth, nose and glasses. I was legally blind, so at times, I needed to wear reading glasses on top of my contact lenses. I was a complete mess. Every morning, I’d reach to feel for my glasses on the nightstand, knocking down whatever else was in the way. I literally could not see past one inch of my face. It was time for a change. I went in for a consultation with a well-known doctor for lasik eye surgery in Westchester, NY. I figured, if he did Tiger Woods eyes, then he must be good. Tiger Woods was legally blind like myself, but with a much bigger career with smaller holes to fill.  As I got each eye tested, poked and prodded by the

The Silent Insanity of Life Coaches

Image
Call me judgmental, but when I hear the words “life coach”, I cringe. Most life coaches are conjuring up more ‘fans’ to attend their $500.00 seminar and buying heaps of their CDs on “life’s instructions”. I think helping people is great, but when does it ever get to the point of swindling people out of money just to give them a few words of encouragement? I’ve received a few unwanted emails on Facebook from people who aren’t even on my friends’ list. “Come log onto my live internet talk show”, and then they provide ways where you can sign up and buy your million dollar ticket into getting a few words of bullshit. I’m being harsh, but there is a reason for my madness. Let me explain... A few years back, I was picking up my friend who had lost her heat in a five family apartment building. It was a beautiful Victorian house that was rebuilt and designed for rentals. It was 20 below 0 outside and she had no other means of heat. I offered her to stay at our place since we had heat

Did You Really Have to Say That?

Image
While grabbing a coffee at a local cafe nearby, I overheard a woman say something I knew that she would soon regret. She had reconnected with an old female coworker while waiting for her latte. By the conversation, you could tell that they’ve worked together for a long time, but when the job ended, so did their friendship. They never kept in touch after the company went out of business. It seemed like a friendly little chatter, until the woman asked her old friend, “So, when are you expecting?” You could tell the woman was shocked by this question, leaving me to believe that she wasn’t pregnant at all. Her response was, “The day you get a face lift.” She then dropped a wrapper in the garbage and quickly shuffled out of the cafe obviously insulted. The woman still left in the cafe looked over at anyone who may have overheard this appalling exchange, shot a glance at me and then slightly lifted her arms as to say, “Did I say something wrong?” Whether it was a matter of being

Defining Ourselves

Image
They say the past makes us who we are today, but my question is: does it always define us? Do you feel like you’re the only one suffering emotionally in life? Does it feel as though no one else would possibly understand the dilemmas you face? Would people even consider what you’re going through, a “dilemma” and chuck it up to something insignificant ---undermining your feelings and possibly crushing every ounce of self-esteem you have left? Granted, we all have secrets and skeletons hidden away in that closet no one knows about, but there are so many people walking around with smiles on their faces, when deep down inside, they’re dying. With hesitance to share their feelings with anyone close to them, like a trusted friend or relative, they stuff it behind their hearts, making sure there are no remnants of evidence left to be found. Their life is perfect and they don’t need anybody butting into their lives; they don’t need any help. Who wants to open up to other people, possibly

Embracing the Entirety

Image
Thanks to everyone who reads me who’ve asked if I was okay due to my sad post the other day. Yes, I’m fine. It’s just a spell I go under once an anxiety attack strikes. It’s almost like a hangover after a wild night of partying, except, it hurts in a different way. The fact is, more people than admitted go through it and just chuck it up to fatigue or that they are just feeling under the weather. Instead of fighting it, I embrace it, acknowledge it, go through the process and usually that will enable me to fall out of it quicker. Even if I do charge full speed ahead and go against the grain, I still live inside my head. I’m silent and somewhat withdrawn, and yet of course, physically there. The other night while having a little fromage and wine with a good friend, she asked me, “Do you feel okay? It looks like you’ve been crying a lot.” To my surprise, I thought I had covered it up with my foundation and eye make up. She saw right through my homemade mask and looked at m

The Aftermath Within

Image
For what seems like forever could only measure up to mere hours. My anxiety attack that I had experienced the day before and yesterday morning has finally morphed into the silence that’s also known as, depression. Everything around me feels quiet, still and unpredictable. My surroundings don’t feel secure any longer, as they once used to. The weather somehow mimics every feeling I have inside, as though it has predicted this storm I’m having within. Like the thick clouds above, there’s this heaviness that I have in my heart, filled with tears. The rain is sporadic; so are my crying episodes. It’ll pass and it’ll be sunny once again. Weather is so predictable sometimes. No words, hidden meanings behind snarky comments or people’s judgments can hurt me now. I’m numb, as though it were a shield protecting me. Nothing can hurt me at this very moment. Both anxiety and depression are awful things to experience, but I’d pick depression over anxiety any given day. I don’t want to fee

"It Just Came On All of the Sudden"

Image
Usually, when somebody has a panic attack, they know where it comes from. Most of the time, they know what initially triggered it.  For someone with anxiety disorder, the response you will usually hear would be, “It just came on out of nowhere.” When you delve deeper, there is usually a trigger inside, hiding for dear life. I have been diagnosed with “anxiety disorder” since I was 16 years old. I have also been diagnosed for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Some mornings, usually mid-morning after having coffee and overanalyzing my life into shreds and pieces, I’ll experience an anxiety attack. My wife will ask, “Well what triggered it? Are you upset? Are you thinking about something?” “No...It just came on all of the sudden.” Days later when I look back on the entire situation, possibly after an emergency room visit for chest pains, I’ll remember what had happened the day before. Did I just block it out, or did I simply shove everything into the “anxiety diso

I Love You Too...

Image
All my life, I've been the type of person where if someone said they had a surprise for me, I’d be pressuring them to tell me what it was. “What? What? What is it?”   I couldn’t just let it be, but in my mind, I kept saying, “Well if it’s a surprise, why are they telling me in the first place?” I sometimes would get caught looking into the closet where my mom had kept all of her Christmas gifts. Each sister had their own shelf. Mine, luckily was eye level since I’m the youngest. I’m not sure why my mom did it that way, since she knew damn well I’d be snooping. My presents should have sat on the very top shelf.  I’m short and scared of heights, so she had double protection right there. I thought I grew out of it somewhat, but I didn’t. This morning Madelene came inside my office to tell me she had a surprise for me while rubbing her hands together. She looked excited about it. I don’t have a birthday coming up so this really tugged at my impatient strings. She twirled he

A Detour: Never Forget

Image
For eight years, we’ve been reminded to never forget the lives of those who were lost in the 9/11 attack as well as those who were affected by it. We were all affected by it, regardless if we had relatives or friends who had lost their lives.  It hit home. We either knew someone who perished or knew someone who was affected greatly by this tragedy. “Never forget.” We hear it every year on this day. How can we forget? Do we have to be reminded of this day eight years ago? It is still embedded into our hearts and minds.  When we lose someone in our lives that we once cared for, loved and cherished, regardless of how that person has passed on, he or she will never be forgotten - ever. I assure you that there is no need to remind a brokenhearted widow about her husband who had died eight years ago or even twenty years ago. You don’t have to remind a son or daughter who had lost a parent, nor a parent who has lost a child. “Never forget.” What is so wrong about taking our mind

The Day Before

Image
Life is beautiful when it wants to be, when you let it be, and when it’s viewed that way. Life is also tragic, heartbreaking and dramatic. It has its ups and downs and frequently changes each day with a new issue or gift to present. I sometimes sit and wonder, if things are so peaceful and calm right now, what’s waiting in the wings to disrupt it all? Something really bad is probably going to happen, or something really exciting is going to take place. Which one will I side with while waiting though? Most people remember the exact time, day and what they were doing when 9/11 hit. But, what you don’t hear about is what people say about the day before 9/11. I remember it all too well, because we were venturing on a new computer software at work that we were grudgingly going to have to adapt to. During that time, I was working a Tuesday through Saturday shift. I had Monday, Sept. 10th off. I remember thinking how beautiful it was outside and taking in the fresh crisp air of the

Polyamorous Pride?

Image
There are so many miserable people out there criticizing other people’s lives for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t like the way they live: “They’re gay and that’s a sin”, “She works as a waitress and doesn’t apply herself, she can do so much more with her life”, or “Oh dear Lord, they have an open relationship - they can’t possibly be happy!”   What works for someone may not work for somebody else. And, that’s okay. Somebody recently asked me why I don’t work for IBM anymore or hold the conventional 9-5 job. For me, it’s not my bag anymore. It caused me great anxiety, and my quality of life was suffering. No amount of money could ever make me want to go back. I’m totally content and yet thrilled with freelance work, even though it may not pay on a steadily basis. When people are not happy with their own lives, they live vicariously through yours, picking and sorting out what should be “right” or “wrong” in their eyes, even suggesting what you “should” or "should not"

My Very Own "Mini Me"

Image
The video below is of my niece Sophia dancing around. She is 7 years old and when I was her age, I looked exactly like her. I love this little girl to pieces! Take a look at a photo of us. Sophia is on the left and an old picture of me is on the right. Is that weird, or what? Kidding around, I had placed my hand on my sister's belly while she was pregnant with Sophia and said, "This little one is going to be my mini me!" We are so much alike it's not even funny. (Not sure if that's good for her though!) Here's a video of my little peanut!