Living Proof

This morning I woke up with the news of a former employee of a New Jersey Pathmark killing three people before killing himself. He was a former marine prepared with an AK-47 and an automatic handgun. How many more shootings do we have to go through in order to officially say that this world has gone mad? This incident can take place anywhere, at any time, at any given moment. I always had a preparation plan in case an ex employee or crazy customer came barging into our office. I would turn off my overhead lights of my cubical, jump down, pull the chair in and hide under the desk...that is, if he or she didn't find me first. It's happening all over: in schools, in offices, in supermarkets, in malls and even recently in NYC at the Empire State Building. The man who started shooting in NYC looked like your average everyday office employee with a suit and briefcase doing his daily routine. You. don't. know. You can't pinpoint who's gonna lose it or not - it can be a

This morning I woke up, rolled out of bed and made my way to grab a cup of coffee. Mad wakes up before I do, so while she is in the shower, I'll make her breakfast. We have a little routine. Afterwards, we sit, watch the news together and talk about whatever is happening or even look at stuff on the computer --together. This morning I found a little note left on the coffee maker just to let me know I was her 'everything'. Although she may have wanted a lumberjack type of breakfast, it was something my heart really needed today. We never run out of things to talk about - we're like two hens yappin' & yappin' about this-n-that. One morning, while vacationing in Provincetown, we went to the dining area of the bed & breakfast we were staying at. It was Women's Week, and needless to say the entire greenhouse-like dining room was filled with coupled up women. It was strange though, we were the only couple chitchatting and laughing. We looked around and w

How do you control stress? How is it that some people handle it better than others? Some people lose weight, some gain. Some lose their minds, while others get stronger and much more courageous for the next set of chaotic events to come. I guess it depends on "you". I do everything in my power to relieve myself of all stressors and anxiety, like praying, meditating, enjoying my hobbies like playing guitar or writing music. Still, I'm grasping for straws and desperate for relief. I even started going to a place that provides Reiki and polarity treatments. Still, I'm grasping for anything to relieve me. Sadly, at this time, the only thing to relieve me of my pain, sadness and anxiety is alcohol. Suggestions to exercise would be wise, but it makes my heart race and subliminally tells my noggin, "Hey! You're having an anxiety attack - look at your heart rate!" And although I know the heart rate is normal - I still think, "abnormal". Abnor

This morning after breakfast I was cleaning like a maniac. Today's supposed to be Madelene's day off, but she had to go into work to finish up a few things. As I was wiping down every single appliance and counter in the kitchen, I then went to clean the fridge. A photo of Dad and I was still hanging up, along with my grandmother who had passed away some time ago. A few were of my wife and I, and some family members, but for whatever reason, I had to take them all down. I didn't do it because I want them out of my life - I did it so I can be reminded less in order for my heart not to break each time I reach into the freezer to grab the vodka. That's a whole other story. Within time, that photo will be back up. I just need that kitchen to be 'free' of reminders right now. I had grandma up to inspire me with her cooking, and wow, major dinners came floating out of that cucina. But right now, it hurts. I still have a few things that are unsettling, some not. I

On the news, I heard the anchorman say that people live longer if they have ten or more friends. I'm assuming it had to do with more social interacting to lead healthier lifestyles. I wonder if they even mentioned a word about some of those ten friends being the toxic types of people we tend to avoid. "They" also used to say that if you can count your friends on one hand, then you were indeed, very lucky - and that it was better to have three good friends than a bunch of acquaintances or friends that were, umm, toxic. So, I guess they never really grasped on what kind of friends we should have, but I'm guessing overall, it's our socializing that makes us more complete - more opportunities - more networking.  And then we have social media where, wow, we have over 5,000 "friends". So, what does "friend" mean to the newscaster reporting this? And what does "friend" mean to you reading this right now? For me, if a friend can make me lau

Every morning my mom will call me and let me know what's on her agenda or if she needs me to take her somewhere. Our conversation then went into cooking of course. She said, "I want to make sausage and peppers, but..."  And I knew what that "but" was. Dad used to chop all her vegetables because her arthritis leaves her in pain even after slicing one pepper. "Mom, lemme chop the veggies and we can cook stuff together." She was very happy and reminded me how Dad used to do all of the prep work for her and I then heard her voice lower almost into a whisper. She has a hard time in supermarkets because although she hates any sort of fruits, she bought them for Dad. He loved every type of fruit out there. As she walked into the produce aisle, she felt herself starting to lose it. She then went over to buy tilapia, the kind my Dad loves. She lost it. It's extremely difficult to shop for her - it's an emotional torture event that she's trying to

Within the past several years, I'm beginning to find out how common cancer is ever since Dad was diagnosed. Either I'm more aware, or there are much more people coming out of the woodwork (and doctor's offices) with bad news. I started to learn how close cancer is --- to every single person on this earth. It's like the most common disease, yet they still have no cure. AIDS is maintained and you can actually live a life being HIV+. With cancer, you have to bide your time even if you're in remission and wait that full month of a doctor's visit to find out if you're back in the big C game. It doesn't seem fair. My father had symptoms of his disease for years before he finally decided he was going to bite the bullet and see a doctor. He was that 'old school' type --"Ah the hell with dese' doctors. What do they know?? They look for shit." He instilled this sort of mindset into my mother's thinking. We all know mom has emphysema, bu

From the desk of Debra Pasquella: "Do I really want to write this?" There are a few things about me that some people find out the hard way. First, I don't like to be bombarded with 'forced in the corner' Q&A's or arrogant assumptions. I'm very easy to get along with, but if you push my buttons, you'll probably never see me again, or if you are somehow 'stuck' in my life for whatever reason -- I won't be around much. I'm not the type that tolerates an aggressive personality. If you talk over me, I'll stop what I'm saying and it'll remain within me. Continue on.. At that point, our conversation is over. I'm not fond of 'know it all' people. If you tell me I shouldn't be doing what my doctor (with years of schooling on his chosen profession) suggested, your words will fall upon deaf ears. If you snap at me, I'll leave. No argument guaranteed. If you feel I'm spending my time and money on somethi

Lately, I've been getting random anonymous comments on a blog post entitled, " Is Homosexuality a Perversion ". It happens late at night where I get a notification of someone leaving a comment on my blog. I have a tracker that tells me where they found my website. This person in particular Googled "is homosexuality a perversion" and found my site. It's the same person because they are all from the same town in Missouri. Anonymous writes: "You can't reconcile a Christian lifestyle and a homosexual one. Homosexuals choose to practice perversion. The confusion lies in the distinction between a good friend with whom you have an emotional bond and someone you have sex with. People are confused and perverted. I know that a lot of people accept this lifestyle in this day and age, but that does not make it right. The vast majority of Germans agreed with Adolf Hitler in the 30s, and we all know how that ended up. I'm not comparing homosexuality to H

For the longest time I have hesitated to attend any type of church services. I’ve always said, “My relationship is with God and I can pray anywhere” - and I still stand by that statement, however lately I feel more of a pull - more of a need to be around more Christians, even if they disagree with my lifestyle. For one, I don’t have to say a word. I prefer Assembly of God churches, so it can be difficult for someone of the LGBT community to be “accepted” or taken seriously as a Christian. I have had so many positive experiences attending these types of churches, which makes me want to go back. What makes anyone think that their life is “cleaner” than my own? We’re all messy - we have our own little issues to deal with, but isn’t that how God made us? Or is it an intentional evil choice to be sinful? That depends I guess. What makes a divorcee with her ex-spouse still living, less sinful than the happily married homosexual sitting next to her? What makes a perceptual liar any less sin

A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. ~Proverbs 15:17 You don’t necessarily have to “like” the person you’re in an intimate relationship with. In fact, you might just love and hate them at the same time. I’m sure you’ve heard of the term “love/hate relationships”, and how some relationships are just overflowing with constant bickering and arguing. Your partner says white; you say black. The fact remains: you two just don’t get along and will do anything to be on the opposite sides of the fence. You just don’t see eye-to-eye. Whether it’s been like this all along, or has recently developed, you find your state of mind being more depressed and miserable while being with them, rather than being grateful and happy while being in their presence. When do we end the torture? Usually these are on and off relationships; they break up to make up. It’s like some sick obsession with drama and sex. The combination of both extremes saps all the positive