My Last Thought On This...For now...
There were countless times I couldn't go into whatever room he was in because he smoked so much. Even when he wanted to sit and chat with me, it was just too smokey for me. Sometimes, I actually believe he lit a cigarette just to get rid of me. But in the end times, he was finally excited to see me. I remember so clearly last year around this time, we were drinking a martini together and he held my hand and told me he loved me and what a great time he had while I was growing up. In my mind I thought, "Wow, we really didn't talk all that much while I was young" -- but his attempts of buying me things, like motorcycles, quads -- materialistic things --- he loved seeing me happy. He said the smile on my face was the reason why he did it. In my mind as a kid -- all I wanted to do was go fishing with him and get to know him better. Everything else didn't matter. But we always talked about the ride over to the places where we got these "things" -- and how much fun we had. I'd rather those moments in the truck with him driving and talking about motorcycles than actually receiving them as a gift.
The night he held my hand while he was talking with me was the night I got to tell him everything that I ever needed to tell him and more. This is why I feel complete in letting him go. I have no regrets and nothing that "I shoulda' said" that'll stick in my mind forever. I'm very relieved about that. Between our personal jokes, our intense communication this year and the time spent with him, I feel a complete sense of closure that makes my heart happy. While I'm sad at the moment for this great loss, I'm happy that I know, and I believe that he is in a better place, without pain, without the medication that he hated so much and without the feelings of anxiety he suffered with so badly. There was no 'lack of forgiveness' to be given or taken by either of us. I finally found a friend in Dad the last year of his life. I don't think it was too late... I think it was right on time.
Thanks for reading.
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