I don't know what's happening to me. I'm a bit hesitant to drive now, since losing part of my memory. Is it stress? Is it the onset of Alzheimer's? It's a similar feeling like when you fall asleep on the couch or some place you usually don't sleep, and when you wake up, you get that disoriented feeling like, "Huh, what?" I think part of it is, I'm on my 4th night of insomnia, so I am just punch-drunk silly lately. I can't complete sentences without zoning out into space. I'm a walking zombie. I'm scared to even go to sleep, in fear that my seizures will start right back up again. They only happen once I'm trying to fall asleep. My doctors insist that it's anxiety and told me to take 3 mg of ativan before bed. Umm, that's enough to tranquilize a goddamn horse, but okay. It. did. nothing. Then last night, I had a glass of red wine before taking the ativan. It. did. nothing. I mean, my liver must be bigger than Texas if nothing can get me to sleep.
I have a lot of things on my plate right now that aren't even getting done as fast as I would like. My book is almost halfway finished, with a lot of editing ahead. If I get enough sleep, I can manage to focus on one thing at a time. Please bear with me as my writing is lessening and I'm just trying to push through each passing day. I don't like to burden others with my ailments and whatnot, and sometimes, there are a few people who believe that "it's all in my head". For those who believe that, I can only wish you were a fly on the wall when I'm trying to get some sleep. The seizures are unreal. I used to wake up with Madelene every morning, make coffee and breakfast and start off our day on a good foot. Now? I fall asleep at 6am and get up at 7am just to go back to bed for another hour and then start my day. I'm a mess right now. But, I will continue to push forward. I just need some prayers and some positive energy sent my way please.
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