Most men conjure up images of what I call, “the tickling lesbians”; the ultra femme porn star type with nails long enough to spread ebola across the nation. For some, it’s not their cup of tea. Each woman prefers different types - just as each heterosexual likes a different type of person. Why are lesbians caught up in this stigma that in order to be “a good lesbian”, she has to be either a femme or butch and nothing in between? The most annoying question posed to my partner and myself is: “Who plays the man?” How about the question of who is the bottom or top? I’d like to believe that the “top or bottom” descriptions are usually tossed around like a salad among gay men. Of course, they need to know who prefers letting people into the back door. Lesbians sometimes use, “catcher” and “pitcher” terms, instead of “tops” and “bottoms”. If you’re both, you might call yourself a “switch”. Does it really matter though? Even if the term “catcher” implies you prefer to receive oral sex, then who’s to say you don’t like sitting above your partner having this performed?
With different people come different preferences. Not everyone is going to prefer what you like, which is why sometimes in the beginning of any relationship, the two people involved have to “get to know one another” sexually. Just because the sex at first is a bit confusing and messy does not mean it’s bad sex. Just like making a good batch of cookies, your first batch is a bit tasteless and messy. Go with the flow and keep trying until you get it right, or to your liking. Fear gets in the way of good sex. Maybe you’re afraid to tell your partner that you sometimes fantasize about other things, which may even include a man. Ladies, remember: this does not mean you or your partner are bisexual or straight! Fantasies are healthy and if your partner can share these fantasies with you, guaranteed your sex will be off the charts. Communication is key and if you don’t tell your partner what you like then she will not know. So then, will you keep on with the guessing game? Tell her. Show her. Reward her. Don’t ‘beat around the bush’.
In conclusion, my theory on good sex is based upon a good foundation. Friendship, trust, honesty, vulnerability, forgiveness and loyalty are all parts of which make up a healthy relationship. If you don’t have this foundation, I assure you the sex will dwindle out and the spark will no longer be existent. Or, if the spark is still there, it’ll most likely be one of those roller coaster relationships that give you heartburn, yet the sex is still good. Long term relationships require work. Work is not a bad word - it implies spicing up your union and being creative with the love of your life. When artists paint, they love what they do. They call it, “their work”. Now go out there and create your masterpiece!