"You Think Too Much"

My buddy is on lent and has given up her wine. She’s a runner, so her outlet is fantastic. While she went on a run, I dowsed myself with a martini straight up. We usually drink together. I haven’t been feeling myself lately and I just want to come home, relax, unwind with my favorite treat (in moderation), and “not think”--if possible. Through my smiles and laughter, I have had this incredible lump in my throat for the past couple of days. Madelene calls it, “a taco in your throat” -when you just feel like you’re just gonna lose it and start bawling. I’m not even PMSing. I think I’m just wired differently than other people, making me much more vulnerable to having the past kick me right in the ass sometimes. I still hurt. I still feel the pain after years of recovering. It’s like I’m faulty or something and in need of an emotional tune up.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a few friends over for Mad’s birthday. One of my friends said to me, “Well, you live inside your head a lot”, after I had explained that I don’t necessarily ‘talk’ exactly the way I write----meaning that sometimes I’ll use different words in text, rather than verbally. I don’t know why I do ---it just sounds better on ‘paper’ than it does through my mouth. But, getting back to, “living inside my head a lot”---I began to wonder if that was a bad thing. Maybe I think too much. Or maybe in my mind, I live in the past, but I don’t necessarily want the past to live in the present.
It’s confusing.
Maybe I’m still hurt, maybe the lack of closure leaves everything so wide open.
Maybe I’ll think about it a little more...