Thursday, June 12, 2008

Lesbian Social Stigma

Lesbians are known for so many stereotypes. I even poke fun at some of them myself. Things like, bringing u-hauls on the second date, lesbians are obsessed with cats, lesbians are all drama queens and the best yet, lesbians are all manhaters. Of course I’ve come across all of the above, however if you really think about it, most women in general, gay or straight are ‘fast movers’ in relationships, tend to like cats better than dogs and bitch and moan about men periodically. As I’ve stated in a previous post, lesbians are also known to hold the award for LBD: Lesbian Bed Death. To some degree, you can scientifically look at the genetic data and technically say that testosterone and estrogen can play certain roles in this area. But how many heterosexuals are kissing one another goodnight and then turning over to go to sleep?

I love meeting new people. Over the past 6 months or so, I’ve met quite a few people-- most being men actually. When they find out that I’m gay, the response varies and they’re always interesting. Here are some of the questions that I’ve been asked:

“What made you ‘decide’ to be gay?”
“Have you ever dated men before?”
“So do you ‘still’ sleep with men?”
“Do you and your partner ever bring a guy into the bedroom?”
“Do you miss men?”
“Can I watch?” (I got one of those recently!)
"Can I join?"

Some of the straight women I have met recently have asked me quite a few questions themselves:

“Did a guy hurt you in the past?”
“How does the sex part work? What do you do?”
“Do you use toys?”
“Who plays the man and who plays the woman?” (Love that one!)

The unknown tends to draw more questions. I totally understand why people ask the questions they do. They’re curious. The one thing that frustrates me, which I see a lot of in the lesbian community is how many of them seem to disrespect each other’s relationships. For instance, it’s ok to hit on your friend’s girlfriend, or it’s ok to go after someone who’s already taken. It’s as though they don’t take lesbian relationships seriously and the sad part is – they’re gay themselves! Is it an insecurity issue that drives them to test other people’s admiration for them? Do they want to play the game of, ‘let’s see if she’ll go for me while she’s with another girl’? It’s another thing if the person who is taken states that they’re single. That’s a whole other different ballgame. But, I will say this: a lot of lesbians I’ve come across will try to steal someone else’s lover. It’s like they just don’t care. “Oh we fell in love.”

Bullshit.

I’m not saying that this type of stuff doesn’t happen to heterosexuals, however it runs rampant in the lesbian community. In the past, I’ve been on both sides: the pursuer and pursued. I’ve been the one to witness my girlfriend getting hit on as well. Back when I was the “pursuer”, I was 20 yrs old and didn’t know better. I met an older woman who was 33 years old and she already lived with her partner. I was out for my ‘experience’ with a woman. My bad. I admit that. But you can also say, her bad too, because she cheated on her girlfriend with me. Lessons learned.

Whether you’re at a potluck function, knitting party, a political activist event, a social lesbian 'dance' held in an Episcopalian church or at Pride, throw all the stigmas out the window, have fun and live in the moment. Who cares what they say. Just don’t hit on my girl and keep your nose out of my bedroom business!