Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Polyamorous Pride?

There are so many miserable people out there criticizing other people’s lives for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t like the way they live: “They’re gay and that’s a sin”, “She works as a waitress and doesn’t apply herself, she can do so much more with her life”, or “Oh dear Lord, they have an open relationship - they can’t possibly be happy!”  What works for someone may not work for somebody else. And, that’s okay. Somebody recently asked me why I don’t work for IBM anymore or hold the conventional 9-5 job. For me, it’s not my bag anymore. It caused me great anxiety, and my quality of life was suffering. No amount of money could ever make me want to go back. I’m totally content and yet thrilled with freelance work, even though it may not pay on a steadily basis. When people are not happy with their own lives, they live vicariously through yours, picking and sorting out what should be “right” or “wrong” in their eyes, even suggesting what you “should” or "should not" do.

A couple of friends of mine who are bloggers went out the other night and discussed the word “should”. We discussed how umm, it “shouldn’t” be used. It’s very difficult not to interject the word “should” when talking about things such as, health, love, relationships and just life in general. The word “should” creeps out automatically. I bet you anything that you can’t leave the word out. We’re so used to saying, “You should eat more fruit”, “You shouldn’t eat too much red meat”, “You shouldn’t drink alcohol”. Of course, all of these are “good intentional” suggestions, but what if someone already has their daily intake of fruit and the other person needs more iron than the next with low cholesterol - should they stop eating red meat? Alcohol, well, as the old saying goes, everything in moderation, right?

Last night, my wife and I watched a show called, “The Secret Lives of Women” which dealt with people who lived polyamorous lives. All of the couples as well as single people dating a few other mates, whether it be male or female, were all very happy and content living that way. Their raw honesty was so overwhelmingly refreshing: no excuses, no explanation other than, ‘this is me’. One person who disagreed with their lifestyles simply said, “To each their own” ---I hate that expression when someone is trying to condemn another person in the most ‘respectful’ way. It’s cliche and overused in order to say, “Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t do that!” And that’s fine. It’s not “you”. Most of these people were your average everyday folks who lived normal lives, had good jobs or lived in the fast lane working in prostitution ranches that were clinical, where they routinely performed disease control screening tests before “business transactions”.

Here are the bios of the people that were on the show: 

Click here for more info.

“Not all women marry the man of their dreams and live happily ever after. For these four women, one man just isn’t enough!

Christa has been married to Ken for eight years. The first few were monogamous, but one eye-opening evening with her husband and a female stranger led to a revelation: she likes women and doesn’t mind sharing her husband with them. Now they have an open relationship. Christa is currently dating two women, and both she and Ken freely indulge in one-night stands. Eventually they plan on having kids and settling down, but until then, nobody is off limits.

Keysha is in a committed relationship with long-term boyfriend Mike. Together, they raise two kids. Mike understands when Keysha doesn’t feel like being romantic, even if she’s had the energy to do so all day. You see, while there is only one Mike in Keysha’s life, there are many “Johns.” Keysha is a prostitute at the famous Kit Kat Ranch in Nevada and to make a living, she can be with over a dozen men a day. What’s different about this open relationship though, is that it’s strictly a professional one… the world’s oldest, to be exact.

Birgitte is a painter living in New York City. A main source of artistic inspiration for her is her lovers. Luckily for admirers of her work, she has no shortage of muses. Birgitte is polyamorous, which literally means “many lovers”. She is also the leader of Polyamorous NYC, the East Coast’s largest poly organization. From cuddle to pool parties, Birgitte has a wealth of love to share in the city that never sleeps.

For former banking professional Dee Dee, the dream of being her own boss and fulfilling her sexual fantasies on a weekly basis has come true. Dee Dee’s lifestyle as a Swinger has led to the opening of “Black Rose Swing Club,” a full service bar for those who enjoy no-strings-attached sex. If you ever want to grab a drink from a lingerie clad bartender, take in some pole dancing, or enter a wet T-shirt contest while seeking a partner for the night, this happily married wife of twenty years is the person to call.”

I respect these people more than the ones that secretly go off and cheat on their spouses, possibly bringing home an unknown disease to their significant other. I’m not sure if this is a new fad or just something that the term “swingers” has evolved into. Regardless, I respect people who honest and make no excuses for anyone. Like I said, there are too many miserable people out there - I’m glad there are some out there making their life worthwhile. Never let anyone judge you, and if they do, you’ll already know what type of life they lead.

Any thoughts? 


LL said...

As much work as I find with keeping one woman happy, her credit car bill paid, etc., it would seem to be much more than it's worth to have several. Am I simply looking at the material side, ignoring the sex?

paz13 said...

You noted some lifestyles that are different than mine and are very interesting to read about. I'm happy to stick to the one wife I have.


Just_because_today said...

This is quite a topic where both sides can be argued convincingly. The easy comment would be that a person has the right to live their lives in the way that fits them. If their style does not interfere with others, then no one "should" condemn them.
For me, I believe in the commitment of one to one; mono as opposed to poly.

Xmichra said...

should is a good word to use instead of "my opinion" that's for sure. I like the word should though, it makes for good debate because the "should" isn't concrete.

As for being polyamourous... one of my best friends is in an open relationship and has been in one several times because being polyamourous is his way of life. I have seen the plus and the negative, but it really isn't much different than a "regular" relationship. The players may change, but the game is the same.

I say "too each their own" a lot, but it isn't to be condemning. it is about acceptance (at least when i say it, it is). I personally am a monogomous kind of person, and that is what I look for in a relationship. I don't expect my friend to settle down and get married the same as he wouldn't expect me to feel comfortable in a swing bar. too each their own :)

Media Junkie said...

I guess it depends on how a person feels - it is a question of security, self-worth, even territory.

what i do despise is when people use 'polyamorous' or 'open relationship' on the lines of being 'mature'. Maturity has nothing to do with a particular lifestyle. A person doesn't become mature by simply having different lovers; neither does one remain immature by deciding to stay monogamous. Just check out personals ads and you'll see what i mean. anytime a guy wants a one-night stand, he will use the word 'discrete' and 'mature' somewhere.

RedRaven1968 said...

WEll as you can tell by my blogspot, I am very much in support of personal independence, and the mantra of not pushing my convictions upon someone else. In fact, I was talking to my ex partner earlier on the phone, and I quckly had to verbally restrain, and revise a suggestion to her, that,out of concern, that she look into going to Community College and get out of the Casino (public service dead end job). I had to restrain from using the words "You should", she HATES any sentence that starts that way!
As for the Polyamory...I have to agree with the people that KNOWING whos sleeping with who,is a good thing. Society is definately full of "Moral Police", the fact remains,however that, that little black book they carry says "....behold the Mote in thine OWN EYE", basically saying...keep your judgements to yourself,and deal with that telephone pole sticking out of your own eye! I don't really fancy quoting said "little black book", but in this case, you definately have to use it to counter their attacks!

the walking man said...

*shrug* I walk in only my own boots and never look to live in the shoes of another.

Deb said...

Wow, a lot of good points you all have made. When I say that I hate the phrase, "to each their own", I mostly speak about it when it's said in a sarcastic, "ew that's gross" type of tone, but when others say it in a sincere tone - that's fine. But you know what I mean.

I have never heard of someone saying whether being polyamorous or monogamous was considered "mature" or not, --so that's a new one for me.

I, myself have a huge case of OCD, so whether or not the person is clean and free of disease, I'm hesitant to physically touch another person. But, my wife and I are very good about going out together and checking others out, like, "Oh she's really pretty, what do you think?" We've had our fun in past, which resulted in emotional wackiness on other people's part, so that's where the conflict also comes in. I'm just totally enthralled to be with someone who isn't jealous or resentful. She is more than enough for me and all that I could ever want in a woman. Those who can handle other relationships on the side ---I give them credit. I couldn't do it, nor afford it! :\

But thanks for giving me your thoughts about this. It's something that fascinates me and I think the people who are in polyamorous relationships are most intriguing.

Thanks for your comments!