Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Aftermath Within

For what seems like forever could only measure up to mere hours. My anxiety attack that I had experienced the day before and yesterday morning has finally morphed into the silence that’s also known as, depression. Everything around me feels quiet, still and unpredictable. My surroundings don’t feel secure any longer, as they once used to. The weather somehow mimics every feeling I have inside, as though it has predicted this storm I’m having within. Like the thick clouds above, there’s this heaviness that I have in my heart, filled with tears. The rain is sporadic; so are my crying episodes. It’ll pass and it’ll be sunny once again. Weather is so predictable sometimes.

No words, hidden meanings behind snarky comments or people’s judgments can hurt me now. I’m numb, as though it were a shield protecting me. Nothing can hurt me at this very moment. Both anxiety and depression are awful things to experience, but I’d pick depression over anxiety any given day. I don’t want to feel the rush of fear flowing through every vein in my body. I don’t want my chest to hurt from not breathing properly, making me think it’s probably a heart attack. I’d rather the silence, the thoughts that delve deep into the pit of my heart and the tears that come along with it as well. Even though it’s a dark place, my body feels at rest somewhat...in this dark place called depression. Maybe that’s God’s way of curing the anxiety. Depression is the pill to cure all of those anxious feelings. The side effects include: tears, fatigue, thoughts of the past and numbness to the rest of the world.

If you don’t hear from me today, it’s because my heart is resting from the constant pounding of the fear that stems from the the battles of the outside world, and of course, from within.