Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Aftermath Within

For what seems like forever could only measure up to mere hours. My anxiety attack that I had experienced the day before and yesterday morning has finally morphed into the silence that’s also known as, depression. Everything around me feels quiet, still and unpredictable. My surroundings don’t feel secure any longer, as they once used to. The weather somehow mimics every feeling I have inside, as though it has predicted this storm I’m having within. Like the thick clouds above, there’s this heaviness that I have in my heart, filled with tears. The rain is sporadic; so are my crying episodes. It’ll pass and it’ll be sunny once again. Weather is so predictable sometimes.

No words, hidden meanings behind snarky comments or people’s judgments can hurt me now. I’m numb, as though it were a shield protecting me. Nothing can hurt me at this very moment. Both anxiety and depression are awful things to experience, but I’d pick depression over anxiety any given day. I don’t want to feel the rush of fear flowing through every vein in my body. I don’t want my chest to hurt from not breathing properly, making me think it’s probably a heart attack. I’d rather the silence, the thoughts that delve deep into the pit of my heart and the tears that come along with it as well. Even though it’s a dark place, my body feels at rest somewhat...in this dark place called depression. Maybe that’s God’s way of curing the anxiety. Depression is the pill to cure all of those anxious feelings. The side effects include: tears, fatigue, thoughts of the past and numbness to the rest of the world.

If you don’t hear from me today, it’s because my heart is resting from the constant pounding of the fear that stems from the the battles of the outside world, and of course, from within.

7 comments:

Tim said...

I do hope you are feeling better. Thank God I never have had an anxiety attack. I had a pretty dark period of 6-7 years where my reaction was to become more silent and more withdrawn. What finally started lifting me out was a great wife and a brutally honest therapist.

Hope all is well and you are lifted out.

~Just me again~ said...

I hope the sunshines for you soon. I hate anxiety attacks. I've been getting them a bit too much lately. Sometimes I too think I'm going to have a heart attack. I've upped my Xanax. Thinking there has to be a better way.

The grey skies have to clear up sooner or later.

Monkey Man said...

Went through one of my daughters anxiety attacks yesterday while trying to get her to her therapy for anxiety. We were a half hour late, but made it. I so feel for you. I know my little girl gets paralyzed when she feels the anxiety and we just have to take things one small step at a time. I just want to hold her and take it all away, but I can't. It is a helpless feeling. I hope your depression passes as if a change in the weather....I love your analogy. Big Hug for you. MM

Just_because_today said...

Weather is so predictable as are our emotions after going through those cycles a few times. There's usually calmness after all of it which I often confuse with reaching the shore only to find out I still have to swim more.

Hope you reach your shore soon.

the walking man said...

Deep clinical depression and I are old friends. Although I have had a fairly long time (6-7 months) free of it, I do know it well.

I think awareness is the first step and knowing what it is you are going through is the second step to understanding and when we understand things intellectually then we can come to an intellectual solution.

One other thing Deb...I don't know about you but for me as long as I knew in my mind if not my heart I was loved I knew there was some light somewhere at the other side of the darkness.

And you are well loved.

paz13 said...

Hope you get over it and we hear positive thoughts from you soon. Will be thinking about you.

Kevin

Xmichra said...

(((hugs))) i got nothing else hun.