Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My Heterosexual Past

So I have developed some new readership, which I appreciate—courtesy of Dr. John. I received an email asking if my lifestyle defines me. No. I started this blog to encourage gays and lesbians to be comfortable with who they are. I wanted the ‘guilt and shame’ of being gay and being close to God at the same time to be relieved. But honestly, it was to brush up on my writing as well. I have a long way to go!

Now that I have readers who are 50% straight and 50% gay, I want to share part of my past with you. Even though I’ve always known I was attracted to women, I dated guys left and right. None of them lasted. I would usually date one guy for about two weeks, get bored, and then then move on. Sometimes, I would just date guys to cover up anyone’s assumption of my homosexuality---or desire to be.

Then there was him—a gorgeous middle-eastern man with big brown eyes, thick short black hair with the whitest smile you could ever imagine. I fell in love with him instantly. We were at a friend’s party. They had a huge house with a billiard room that had a huge bar inside it. He was sitting at the end of the bar. I came out of the kitchen, and saw him staring at me with those huge doe eyes. I smiled—and blushed unexpectedly! He was sitting alone drinking his beer. I didn’t know his age. I couldn’t even guess it. I knew he had to be about twenty years old or so, but it was hard to tell. I was sixteen years old at the time. I asked him if he wanted to play pool. Yes, I went up to him.

His English was a bit spotty, but his mere presence had captivated me. My best friend kept trying to lure me over to her group of friends—but I didn’t want to go. Kathy said, “Deb, come on, what are you doing with this man? He’s twice your age and he’s foreign!” I didn’t know what she meant. I soon found out that this guy was twenty-five years old. It was his birthday. So, basically he was nine years older than me, but he looked like ‘one of us’. He was short, slim, and stylish. I couldn’t tell his real age.

Needless to say, we started dating---seriously. He taught me a lot about his religion; being that he was Muslim, and at that time, my Christianity wasn’t strong. I was more agnostic than anything. I knew there was a God, and I grew up in a Catholic household. It was at the age of twenty-three when I became born again.

After a year of dating, we finally decided it was “time”. No, not marriage. I was scared. He had his own apartment and we always hung out there drinking beer and making out- but nothing went beyond that. One night, we were lying in his bed, and in the heat of everything, he looked at me—almost asking permission. It was then…I agreed. He was a virgin, and so was I. After that encounter, we couldn’t stop. We didn’t care where we were, who we were with, or what was going on around us. We were addicted to this 'new thing' that everyone raved about. In my mind, all I had to worry about was if I got pregnant. He wasn’t with anyone before me. I should have been smarter than that, but I was young and very naïve.

Our relationship wasn’t only about sex; we had a deep connection that went beyond anything else I’ve ever known. We were best friends. We went out, we did many things, from going out to lunch, flying kites, attending parties, walking through the park, to going out to the movies or just enjoying a quiet evening at home. We talked endlessly and shared stories about his country back in Pakistan and how he was born and mostly raised in London. He definitely had more of a history than I did, being that he was twenty-five and from another country. I listened intently. I held on to every word that came out of his mouth. After time, his English was amazing. He was becoming ‘Americanized’. (Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but it helped him with his business.) He owned a chain of mini marts and gas stations, and was increasingly becoming more and more successful. (If you stereotype this—I will kick you in the shins!)

By the time I was eighteen years old, I quickly became an intern at a medical firm, and my hours were long during the day, and his hours were long during the night. We were passing ships without even living in the same quarters. He constantly thought I was cheating on him, due to the fact I was too tired to go see him at midnight when he got off from work. It affected our relationship greatly, and then there was the night I will never forget…

His car came cruising down my driveway fast. He was with his younger brother. He left his brother in the car and came inside to talk to me. I knew what it was. I grabbed a glass of water, and remembered my hands shaking frantically, because I knew he was breaking up with me. My heart was in my throat, and I thought I would just die if I heard those words come out of his mouth. He looked at me with those huge brown eyes, and I thought, “I’m never going to look into his eyes again!” I started crying before he even broke it off with me. I couldn’t hold it in. God! Why did I have to cry in front of him? He just hugged me, and said, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry. Those words tore through my heart. The perfect man, who has treated me so good for these past couple of years, is ending it all. Why? I learned how to cook for him, how to make him feel comfortable, and I gave up my virginity to this man--at such an early age! How can he just end it like this? We spoke about marriage and having kids together. We spoke about the future and growing old with one another. It was all going down the tubes as he hugged me…for the last time.

After the door shut, and I saw his taillights going off in the distance, I saw my life end right there. I went into my bedroom, locked the door and went into my bathroom to cry. I cried hard. I threw up many times. I couldn’t hold anything in. It felt like someone had died. I was hunched over the toilet bowl screaming crying and ready to just die right there. My phone rang. I thought it may be him changing his mind. It was my friend Kathy.



“Deb!” She screamed out into the phone. “Are you okay?”

I said nothing. I cried into the phone. Within thirty minutes, I had fifteen of my closest friends in my bedroom consoling me. One girl even came from an hour away by bus just to comfort me. I wasn’t suicidal, but that’s what they thought. They didn’t want to leave me alone. They all stayed with me that night, making sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated all my friends doing that for me. They were total angels for giving up their entire evening, just to be with a sap who just had her heart broken.

After a few months passed by, he called me again. It quickly turned into ‘sex with the ex’ type of situation. This happened weekly. There were no commitments, no agendas---just sex. I was content with it, but I quickly came to realize what I truly wanted…and it wasn’t with him. He realized that my interest was fading, and then he became desperate.

He proposed to me. He wanted to get married and have me living in his house ASAP. What? Now? Why? I didn’t understand it, until he found out what my real situation was all about. One of my friends had told him about a girl I started seeing---Madelene. He was shocked.

“What? It doesn’t make sense. It’s like dating your sister!” He said to me, uneducated about any type of homosexual lifestyle. He came from a country that considered homosexuality as bad as incest. His lack of understanding---was indeed---understandable. I knew he would react this way. I wasn’t offended.

He and I became friends, without the benefits, and he respected Madelene. He would come over to our apartment and help us out with anything that needed to be fixed, or simply to just have dinner with us. Our friendship grew even closer than ever, and he totally respected anything that Madelene and I had together. It was hard trying to explain my love for my partner to him, but I wanted him to know it wasn’t just a “roommate” type of situation. He tried a few times to engage in sex, but I reminded him about how real my situation really was.

Every year on April 15th, which is his birthday, I always send him a card. He is now happily married to a woman who he has been set up with that lived in Pakistan. She moved to the US for him, and they now have three beautiful children together. He wanted kids so badly. If I were to live a lie, and be with him, he probably wouldn’t have had all he does right now. I am so happy he got what he ‘truly’ wanted. He deserves that. In retrospect, I don’t regret one day with him, but I am glad that I made this decision…because he would have been married to a woman with other desires for the same sex.

I only wish him happiness…and I thank him for every single day he has spent with me. Thank you Mr. R for showing me how beautiful men really are!


bazza27 said...

This is a fantastically (is that a word?) moving story, I can't tell you how much I admire your openness (is that a word also).

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. You are obviously a person who tries very hard to understand, to see where God is any situation and who looks for the life lesson in what comes across your path. I am so glad to have "met" you and to hear your story.

Leesa said...

I love your stories. I guess that's because you are a published author! It is interesting that we are really the sum of our past experiences.

Cuppojoe said...

A very compelling story indeed. I'm glad you were able to recocile all the aprts of your life so well.

Sent this way by the marathon put on by Dr. John.

QUASAR9 said...

Debs, Muslims andthe promise of a hundred virgins in paradise.
I like your cartoon, once you divest a virgin she's no longer a virgin, you'd soon run out of virgins in one hundred nights if you restrained yourself to one a night. Alas the myths of Sultan's and their Harem's.

The Mystery to be revealed, treat your woman like a virgin every night,and in the morn lust for her yet some more, and your love can last for evermore. But hey that's just me!

Can a man be born again?
Can a woman become a virgin again?
And no, I'm not on about Saudi plastic surgeons obsession with recreating or 'replacing' hymens.

If one is pure of spirit, is one not also pure in mind & body???

J R Estelle said...

If you're in GA, it's like dating your sister, everywhere else, you're safe.

I digress. I am so glad that I am not the only lesbian (or feels like the only one) that appreciates men.

~Deb said...

Bazza: Thank you. I figured I’d let everybody into the world of my past. Some think that I’m a ‘manhater’, but it’s not like that. I find men to be beautiful---and for me, my preference is only a fraction of who I am.

Rev. Kate: Being in that relationship with Mr. R was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. He taught me so much! Like I said, I don’t regret one day. My past is what made me who I am today.

Leesa: Thanks! We are all ingredients of our past experiences. I totally believe that.

Cuppojoe: I never burn bridges, but if that bridge is no longer there, I have the memories to hold on to. And thanks Dr. John!

Qausar9: I’ve always wondered about that concept—if someone can be a virgin if her hymen was broken from an incident. You know, when I was only seven years old, I went to reach for a cereal bowl, which was too high for me to reach. I climbed up, and reached to grab it. Below me, was a cabinet door that swung open. I fell right on the cabinet door---and bled like you wouldn’t believe. My mother took me to the doctor and he told me I had broken my hymen. So my first time, I didn’t bleed. Mr. R always wondered about my claim of virginity.

~Deb said...

J R Estelle: There are a lot of lesbians who just fear, or hate men for some reason. I believe it's probably a bad past experience or something other than that, to make them feel that way. I have no clue!

QUASAR9 said...

Hi Debs, to me you will always be like a Virgin. Especially if you are not available to other Men. lol!
PS - I just answered your other question on life in other worlds a little further at my place.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading thru your archives and amazed with your ability to open up so candidly. I'm also shocked to see so many people responding, supporting and also bashing some of your material. You have quite the array of readers! First time here but I will be back!!!

QUASAR9 said...

And why would there be a sea, that we could not build ships to cross. Space is the big Ocean, we are just a little Island called earth.
To traverse space we need to build ships, but the distances are so vast, and the environment so hostile and harsh, that it will still take some time, before we can send anything other than probes to search and explore.

Limited In physical or human form (bodies), but with telescopes and our minds we can travel the realm of the imagination, far and further still

Hope you are having fun!

~Deb said...

Quaser9: Why do I feel like bustin' out with a Madonna song right now??? Very profound comment you left!

Anonymous: Stick gets worse! ;)

GW Mush said...

Deb is a fine Lesbian Activist.

To activate,
call 1-800- DEB-Cool, peel off the sticker, and sign your name on the back of Deb's tushie, hehehehehe

QUASAR9 said...

Deb, you telling me you can burst into song like Madonna, too. I can just imagine you on a gondola in the canals of Venice, under the Bridge of Sighs

Gosh loving ya more every minute. Here's looking at ya, here's smiling at ya

PS Can I be the gondolier. lol!

Maddie said...

Very touching post! I was very honored to meet and know this great guy and did very much appreciate you sharing your past experiences with him, with all of us. It's been refreshing to know that you as myself, are not a manhater. Why should you be? Men are beautiful, human beings, individuals in their own right. And I am sick of some lesbians bugging us about that. To this day I still am warmed to see your affection for him.
Awesome post and a great share!

butterflies said...

Very interesting post.Its good that you can be so honest with yourself.
Dr John sent me:)

Miss 1999 said...

That's a wonderful story Deb, I'm happy that you were able to have this person in your life, and to be able to have that experience, so that a good friend would be in your life today *hugs*

Kat Campbell said...

The reason its important for people like you to write openly, is for people like me. I know many gay men, but not a single lesbian. From your story, you were happy being heterosexual until the break up, what changed? I guess I will have to continue reading to understand. I applaud your honesty and openness... it is that kind of attitude that will snowball into a changing world.

~Deb said...

GW Mush: No bumper stickers---please!

Quasar9: You bringing the wine? Or do I have to bring my flask along with me?

Maddie: It was nice that you accepted Mr. R with opened arms. You welcomed him in our home and developed a friendship with him… Thank you!

Butterflies: Thank you…Tell Dr. John I said hello!

Miss 1999: I’m happy about that too! Thanks!

Kat: Well, as I said in the above post, I always knew I was gay and was attracted to the same gender. But, for me, it’s about ‘the person’… My preference leans more towards women, and I’m with a woman whom I love very much, so therefore I do in fact label myself a lesbian. But who’s to say years to come, if I ever do become single again that a man couldn’t sweep me off my feet? Thanks for your inquiry!

QUASAR9 said...

Debs, I've always got a ready supply of wine, but when I'm drunk I don't lose my inhibitions, I just forget what I was up to. So if I get too amorous, you just pull another bottle of wine out - and you are 'safe' in my hands, or so the saying goes

Geek said...

Very nice post! I've always enjoyed hearing about the path people take in life. I could have easily been influenced to be homosexual. I grew up in a family florist and was surrounded by those influences. This leads credence to sexual orientation being a natural state verses a learned state. (Im such a geek) As I trully lust after my Tense each and every day. Even after 12 years I just can't get enough of her. (Oh and I dont care if you did vote for sting! So there!)

samuru999 said...

Thanks for sharing all that Deb!
It truly made me smile!
It was a very long day....
and I needed a smile
Hugs to you my dear!

Anonymous said...

But Deb, there's this constant stereotype that lesbians are just jilted hetero woman? Did Mr. R. hurt you to that point or did he make you realize, as he drove away, that you wanted 'the idea' of him? So, you found a more fulfilling relationship in Madalene? What brought you there? I hate it when any woman is labeled a manhater b/c she's strong, aggressive or bitter or simply finds a feeling another who just happens to be a woman. Enlighten me dear!
Loved this one though...

DaBich said...

How wonderful that you and Mr. R can be such good friends, after sharing so much. Great post!

cocoa_no_gogo said...

Great Story.

I think you have moved past the point of "brushing up" on your writing.


This is a great post. I believe that people should love who they are irregardless of how they look, their gender. They are still human beings and they deserve to respected and looked up to. Everyone was born for a reason.
Passing by from Dr. John.

Pittchick said...

I have fond memories of my first love. We lost touch over the years, but some experiences will stick with you forever. Thanks for sharing.

Catch said...

what a nice post!!! I am glad you are happy now and he is happy now...that rarely happens that way. Im glad it did! I am an escapee from dr Johns fortress.

QuillDancer said...

I am running in the Dr. John marathon and this is one of his designated rest stops. Your strength and honesty is exactly what is needed to promote tollerance. I find myself ever amazed at the narrow mindedness of people who can quote Bible verses, but don't seem to be able to live them. God is love. Period. No qualifiers. Jesus died for all of us. Period. No qualifiers.

The Bible says that if we believe, we are saved. It doesn't say, if we believe and are heterosexual we are saved.

GirlGoyle said...

That was great! I think every relationship has dramma in it. However it takes mature adults (in particular men!!) to get beyond the drama and realize that two people that were once connected in a deeply emotional way can transform into great friendships. Break ups don't always have to be nasty but it takes true balance achieve zen.

Margaret said...

I married at 18, to a guy 5 years older than me. Truth have it, he ended up to be more of a friend or pesky little brother than anything else as the years went by. We stayed married for 12 years and for all the wrong reasons.

After the divorce I dated a girl for awhile back home in NJ. I've come to care a lot of her and I felt safe with her. However, things did get a little crazy after a year with jeolousy, etc. on her part.

After moving to GA I dated all around. No sex or anything, but just meeting peeps and getting to know them as well as more about myself.

Now married to a wonderful guy, I can't say that I'm straight, or gay or even bi. I just am. A Peep myself who desired a committed, trusting and supportive relationship with someone that I love. Male or female, religion or no religion - had nothing to do with my decision.

I merely just wanted to find my soulmate.

Natalia said...

That is great...there are people that come into our lives for specific reasons. I think there is purpose in whatever happens to us. Not necessarily a predetermination...but a lesson to be learned.

Thanks for sharing :)


Bossy♥'s YOU said...

aww, what a nice story..

first love and first "u know whats " are always special..he sounds like a hottie though;)

and the no english thing, would be a benfit if u ask me.

normiekins said...

what a beautiful story deb...thanks for sharing...i'm with natalia^^^ people enter our lives for a reason :)

GW Mush said...

Dr John sent me but I got lost, asked a female for directions, and I ended up at a Lesbian blog! wink:)

Video X said...

Sadly enough, when I read this...I thought of what my mother's reaction would be. She believes that women become lesbians because of a failed and/or bad male relationship they had in their past. She remembers feeling much closer to women in general when she was younger (maybe now too as she has not dated in YEARS and never will). I also get along better with women than female friendships are usually more intimate. BUT STILL! She just thinks that women go the other direction because of that failed experience. She thinks it just makes them feel bad, and since they are closer to women...they get comfortable and go over the line. That is HER way of thinking. I would not call her homophobe or anything...she is not. It's just hard to have these conversations with her. I try to explain to her that I do know women who were never even involved with how is it possible that their sexual preference is due to a bad female-male relationship! No response. And no change. If she read this, she would ignore the whole end part where you talk favorably about that guy. Ugh.

Anyway...enough about that.

I think that is awesome that you can look back and be happy how things turned out. I am pretty sure I have never felt about anyone the way you felt about him. Or the way you feel about Madelene. I hope to someday, but I sometimes wonder if I'm even capable. I do not keep up any kind of ties with ex-boyfriends and really do not care that any of those relationships ended or have any desire to keep in contact. Just never felt that close. I wonder if I am bitter!!!! OH NO!

Beth said...

That was wonderful to read, and I wish it were a novel because I could have continued to read about your past for HOURS.
I'm happy you've been peace with your sexuality and happiness in life, and I'm glad he has, as well.

This post reminded me of Oprah. Did you see Oprah two days ago? It was on gay women who were married.

sasha said...

What a great story, loved it

~Deb said...

Thanks for all your comments and inquiries. I got quite a few emails too, asking if I was hurt by a man or hurt by Mr. R that made me become a lesbian.


I knew all my life that I was gay. Mr. R happened to be a wonderful man that made me realize that men are really beautiful! But, my preferences and feelings as well as emotional bonding are much stronger with the female gender. I’ve always been like that, however, I gave a man---a very special man a chance. And my experience with him was amazing! I loved that guy- in fact, I was ‘in love’ with him! If anything, Mr. R showed me that men can provide a stable and healthy relationship. Some women can’t even provide that. But, for me, it’s about ‘who’ I love, not what gender. I will admit, I do “label” myself as a lesbian, only because I’m in a lesbian relationship.

I’ve never been hurt, sexually abused nor traumatized when I was younger by a man---or anyone. It’s just “me”.

Thanks for your emails, comments and also, thank you Dr. John for adding me in the marathon!

kathi said...

Sounds like he thought that he could persuade you to stay 'straight' with him, and when you two kept 'playing' when he came by, it probably gave him hope. It was a hard lesson learned by all. Life, sometimes it's not easy taking the right road, sometimes it's not easy figuring out what that right road is to take...but in the long run, I'm sure he's happy you happened to him.

~Deb said...

Kath, yeah it did give him hope, however, I was completely honest with him. I didn't want to live with him or marry him. I knew my ground, and he knew my limitations. It definitely was a lesson learned by all. Thanks!

GW Mush said...

Suddenly, I have strong feelings for Mr R and I think I might be in love with him.
Does anyone have his tel. number? Thanks.

Redefine said...

I love your stories. My world around me dissolves as I start reading your blogs.

Madelene Rose said...

I'm glad you met him and have a history with such a brilliant man.

I miss commenting here! LoL

QUASAR9 said...

Hi my PMSing psycho friend ...
hmmm tells me lots about the Moon and more about You. Mo romance flowing in with the moonlight thru the blinds? Well here's some warm hugs and soft caresses your way.

The full moon reflects the light of the sun, the rising moon reflects the red/oreangey light of the setting sun, when it it is rising higher and yellower in the sky here, it is rising over the horizon there.
Got some more for you on the moon's size here
And more warm hugs and soft caresses for you when you awake.

QUASAR9 said...

Hi Debs,
And here's my bit of humour for today. It's short, but I know it will tickle your fancy

Leesa said...

I was looking at the story again - and I love the pic at the top. All I can think to say about the pic, "Merge Right."

Saur♥Kraut said...

What an amazingly poignant and well-written story. Boy is the throwing up/crying part a reality! I experienced it with two of my if it wasn't miserable enough.

Casually Me said...

You are a true beauty, not just for the eye...but especially for the heart.

Åsa said...

Deb! What a beautiful story! You seam to find love in everything! Mr. R. must feel so grateful to have met you. Probably helped him to like the US more as well.

I have another lesbian friend who first married a man and got a son with him. Not until she met the love of her life (a woman) did she “come out”.

I think there are a lot of other traits (not sure if that was a good choice of word…) that we hide or deny if we are not in the right environment. Like growing up in a family of engineers and actually being an artist. Not everybody dare to be themselves. Although I do believe that being true to yourself is always healthier in the long run. Just look at you: fantastic!

limpy99 said...

And once again we see how kite-flying leads to irresponsible teenage sex. When, oh when, will Congress act to get these insidious "kites" out of the hands of our young?

--Sunrise-- said...

wow... thank you for sharing... i really enjoyed reading that... :)

Grant said...

So, what are you doing to keep your hetero J-phile neo Satannic cannibalistic voodou readers happy?