Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Lesbian Bait

When I first came out as a lesbian, my friends and family were very supportive. Some friends I lost, but that’s when you know who your true friends are. I never pranced around and pushed my sexuality in other people’s faces. I was discreet, and chose to be that way. If someone were to ask me if I was gay, I would definitely tell them. I never made myself a spectacle just to draw attention. I knew I was gay since I was a little girl. At the age of nineteen, I was bursting to come out; I had to. I was living a lie and about to marry a man who loved me very much. I love him, but not the way he deserved to be loved. He was beautiful inside and out—the perfect man I could have ever married. I had to be honest with him, and let him go. I’m glad I did. The only thing I feel bad about, is how my church reacted to my lifestyle. They felt the need to change me. They thought 'laying of the hands' were in order. I don't think that would have cured me.

Coming out was really hard at times. There were different responses that led me to believe that there are some people you can tell freely, and others, where you would rather shut your mouth and let them think you’re straight. I used to go out to straight clubs with my friends who just heard the latest about me. Sometimes, they would take it upon themselves to approach the guy who was talking to me and say, “Oh, she’s gay.” It wasn’t their place to say so. He would look at me…blink a few times…and say, “WHAT?” Sometimes their reactions were too good, “Oh wow, really? Can I watch?” type of responses. Then there were men who were absolutely appalled by the news---thinking they would catch the gay bug if they were to continue talking to me. So it went both ways (so to speak) as far as people’s reactions.

I never forgot one girl who I dated. We’ll just call her “Kelly”. She was a Britney Spears look alike. (Now anyone who knows me long enough will know who I’m talking about.) She was absolutely gorgeous, but a little ditzy. She made me laugh, and we had fun when we went out together. She would turn every head in the club…mostly men of course. She constantly tried making out with me in front of everyone. I wasn’t comfortable with this at all. Her public displays of affection were way too much. It then dawned on me that she was doing it for the attention she got from other men. She was bi-sexual. That’s fine, I dated bi-sexual women before, but I didn’t want to play ‘bait’.

One evening, my sister came out with us to come dancing. Kelly kept trying to lock lips with me—in front of all my friends as well as sister. This didn’t sit well with me, so I kept squirming out of her vise grip.

“What’s wrong with you? If you love me, you’ll kiss me in public!” she screams out, insinuating my lack of interest.
“Kelly, my sister’s here, and I don’t feel comfortable doing this!”

My sister approaches us and sees the discomfort my face is revealing.

“Kelly, you know, even when my husband and I go out, we don’t have to kiss in order to let everyone else know that we’re together. Just because she won’t kiss you passionately in front of a ton of single men and her friends doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you."
“Well then it means she’s embarrassed to kiss me in front of them!” Kelly says, as she continues to climb all over me.

Even with celebrities, I never understood the concept of drawing attention towards you in a light that isn’t even ‘you’. Look at Britney Spears and Madonna. They unnecessarily kissed in front of millions of fans and onlookers. I know that celebrities do it for the ‘shock value’ of it, but it really makes them look bad, when you know in fact they’re not gay. Okay, so it may bring up quite a few sales since they’re beautiful women, but what about later on in life when they have to explain to their kids why they did that. Attention getters make me cringe.

Even when I go out, I see two straight girls all over one another. Are they bi? Are they gay? Then I notice that they’re baiting their ‘men’ on the dance floor. Okay, everybody’s different. But what happens is, people associate ‘me’ with being an attention getter. They think ‘it’s just a fad for her, she’ll get over it, she’s not really gay.’ In fact, I hate the labeling. I do label myself, because I haven’t been with a man in over twelve years, and I don’t foresee myself living or marrying a man, due to my preference. But, I won’t rule out my future and say that would never, ever happen. It definitely can happen to anyone. I believe that if the ‘right person’ comes into your life while you’re single—you just never know.

I’m also against the huge gay pride parades. Women and men prancing around half naked with signs that say awful and crude comments—making other gays and lesbians look bad. They’re representing the gay and lesbian community in a tactless way. Why would you want to do this? This is exactly what the radical Christians think of us---and you’re giving them good ammunition! Some women are walking around topless—which 80% of them look much like what you would see hanging from an Italian deli. They advertise promiscuity for us. My friends all ask me to go with them to gay pride, and I always give them the same answer—with a question. “Why do you guys even go to that awful parade?” In my opinion, it’s not only dangerous to go to these functions, it’s degrading.


1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2. the state or feeling of being proud.

3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

What an awful word the gay and lesbian community decided to adopt. I know it’s great to feel good about who you are and what you are, but the word “pride” holds such a negative impact to me. To be prideful is to be full of conceit; the opposite of being humble. I see pride stickers all over gay establishments and car bumper stickers. It’s as though they’re advertising their homosexuality. One day, I hope someone who’s heterosexual plasters a big sign saying, “PROUD TO BE STRAIGHT!” I wonder how homosexuals would feel. It’s ‘in your face’ and offensive—regardless if you like homos or heteros.

Whether you’re straight, bi-sexual, homosexual, metrosexual, whatever—be happy with who you are and who you're with, but try not to let pride get in the way of what’s really important: love.


the voice said...

Very well said, Deb, especially the key word at the end; Love. I have finally finished putting together a post on homosexuality, and whether it truly is a sin. I hope you'll come read it, and let me know what you think. God bless you always, Ken

samuru999 said...

All I can say is
I wish there were more people like
you in this world.
You are full of love, and honesty
and truth!

Great post.... as always!
You do inspire me so!

P.S I am going to email this one to my nephew!

Becky said...

Pride is definitely going to be the downfall of American society. It's getting much worse everyday! The stubborness, controlling, and proud behavior is what is definitely America's main problem!

~Deb said...

Voice; Thanks…Well in my opinion and in ‘my life’, my preference of who I am with focuses on “love” and not the lifestyle per se. I can’t wait to read your write up!

Samuru: You are TOO kind. Thank you! You also inspire me with your incredible poems.

Becky: A lot of them are so “in your face” that it gives you such a negative view of what the gay and lesbian community are all about. These are the people who give ‘us’ a bad name unfortunately. They’re advertising promiscuity prancing around with picket signs that say disgusting things, while being half naked. It’s NOT a pretty sight, if you ever been to one of these ‘pride marches’. A lot of gay people hate when I talk negatively about their marches…but it’s my opinion. Am I being judgmental? Probably. But…it’s just awful looking to me.

luckysevn said...

Excellent post, deb... I agree w/becky - pride IS the downfall of American society.

And Eleanor Roosevelt??? Really??? Susan B. Anthony??? I had no idea!!! Wow... I learned something new today!

Natalia said...

I am a PDA person...but not all tongue out and panting..I get what you mean about the bait thing. I have seen women grind on women on the dancefloor just so they seem attractive to men. Ick... really. There are more subltle ways love is demonstrated in public as well.


~Deb said...

Lucky: A lot of celebrities were gay or bi, and yet didn't need to reveal it all.

Natalia: Sometimes, it's the only way for those types of girls. ;)

Tai said...

I agree I agree and what's more I agree!

I have a hard time with the parades for exactly the reasons you stated.
It never seemed to me to be a good way to win respect.
When a large part of the activities seems to be everyone dry-humping everyone else...gay or straight it's not MY idea of winning people over.

Thanks Deb, great post.

QUASAR9 said...

Now we'd make a right pair you & I.
You gay and I wearing one of your "proud to be straight T-shirts" Do you think they'd let me into the NYC gay clubs. lol!

I lived in London at a time when coloured clubs were asserting themselves and exclusive. I'm glad to say I was one of those who had no problem whichever club I went to black or white.
I guess people just sensed I was not racist or biased or prejudiced.
Confortable in my skin, so to speak

smileymamaT said...

I enjoy reading your postings. Great food for thought. It makes me think of college when I joined a diversity group. I wanted to help, make posters, bring awareness. A few of my friends reacted with "But you're married". And? Your point being....?? It was about diversity awareness in a small, mostly white, mostly Catholic, upper-middle-class town. Period. I am still glad I was part of that colorful group of fun, bright people and the positive energy that came from helping open some eyes. I like your blog. You make me smile. I'll be back to visit again! Have a great day. -T

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

"Pride" is one of those loaded words - and quite frankly, I never understood what it has to do with anyone's sexuality. You are what you are - it isn't an accomplishment. I take pride in how I do my work - I don't take pride in my hair color. Why would I take "pride" in my sexuality? It was issued to me along with my eye color and my height.
I'm not wild about blatant sexual behavior. Period. Gay, straight, whatever. There is a fine line between sexy and repulsive (ok - sometimes its a chasm!). And I have always found the sublte gestures way more sexy anyway. My husband could just look at me across the room and raise his eyebrow and I knew it would be the start of something wonderful in private. But - then just my opinion!

Wabev said...

1st blog ever read now sure how i got here but glad i did, saved info will ck back later, God Bless!!

GW Mush said...

You know what I find sexy? A woman who dresses modestly, who concerns herself more with her character than with flaunting her body, and a woman who saves the bumping & grinding for her intimate committed partner.
Now that is sexy.

~Deb said...

Tai: They do very strange things at these parades- and they seem to only want to promote the sexual aspect of homosexuality. That’s why I refuse to go. I don’t want to be represented in that kind of light.

Quasar: I think I will wear that t-shirt for shits and giggles! I think that it’s great to be comfortable in your own skin—and not have a problem with those around you…however, if it’s way uncomfortable for someone to be in a crowd full of people who claim they live the same lifestyle as you, yet promote it differently…then for some, it’s difficult to witness. I see what you’re saying though!

Smiley: It’s always great to join a diverse group who can show you a part of their world. That’s when people get educated on the right stuff about certain lifestyles and cultures, instead of ‘guessing’. Thanks for stopping by!

Rev. Kate: That’s the whole thing, a subtle hint of sexuality isn’t a bad thing… But when it’s put their being put out in everyone’s face---it’s really not necessary. I totally agree with you!

Wabev: First blog? And mine? Scary! (hehe) Well---welcome! Hope you come back for another visit.

GW Mush: You like a woman who leaves more to your imagination. ME TOO! Amen!!!

GW Mush said...

Tai: They do very strange things at these parades- and they seem to only want to promote the sexual aspect of homosexuality. That’s why I refuse to go. I don’t want to be represented in that kind of light.

Deb, You are a good role model for girls and younger women.
Just like Gay pride parade sets a bad example, many straights set a bad example with sexuality also. I see shows like "Elimidate" on tV where a guy has to pick between 4 girls for a date, and it turns out to be a mini orgy on TV and the hottest, most sexually promiscuous is usually chosen. This sort of thing is bad for society.
We need more good role models for the youngers and Deb is a prime example of how a Lesbian is a good role model because of her character and values, not because of her sexuality or preference.

~Deb said...

Thanks GW! (Not at all an angel, but I appreciate the nice comment!) My friends that read this are probably laughing saying, "DEB??? A good role model???? HA!!!" But...then again...who needs friends, right? ;)

Maddie said...

Fantastic post! In many of our past discussions the negative connotation of "pride" that is presented in the gay parades is appalling. You are a class act, and the lesbian=promiscuous myth is totally thrown out the window, as your post clearly show. Regardless of gender others should follow your example.

Lindsey said...

What really annoys me is when straight girls make out in front of people just for the attention's sake of it. That drives me nuts.

Miss 1999 said...

Deb, once again, you are SO right! I've always been against the "Gay Pride" thing- not because I have ANY problem with ANY gay person, but because what does it matter? I don't run around having "Straight is Great" parties and parades. I'm a straight woman, who gives a shit? Ya know? Who we sleep with has so little to do with who we are as people. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Pumpkin????.....You know should we ever meet I'm going to sweep you off your feet with my culinary skills with a Swanson dinner.

I'll bring the matches...you provide the candles.

Resistance will be futile!!


piu piu said...

aw. hey girl long time no see! wots new?

~Dawn said...

Neither my partner nor I will go to any pride parades. It is like walking into a bar, except you are still outside.

We prefer to get to know other GLBT people through dinner/coffee time or meetings at work. You get to know people a heck of a lot better than all the sexual "freedom" that goes down the street.

The parts I do like about the parade are when churches are in them or politicians come out to support gays.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

nice post my dear...very nice..

wait, I did not know Lilly Tomiln or the great nell carter was gay?..holy crap..where the hell have I been?

steff81 said...

I didn't know that Eleanor Roosevelt was gay. Wow...you do learn something new everyday.

Madelene Rose said...

I agree with Maddie! Down to every syllable

GW Mush said...

Eleanor Roosevelt was gay? Next, we will find out that Oprah and her friend Gayle are gay, wink:)

GirlGoyle said...

Perry Mason was gay?? And so is BD Wong? I had no idea. Not that it makes difference to me. Then again it is interesting that some people do go about their lives while others like to flaunt and advertise their homosexuality. I don't run around saying "Hi, my name is Ed...and I'm straight!" Probably explains why I have no luck on the dance floor.

Smythe said...

Great post! Dr. John Sent me and I'm proud he did!!!

LisaBinDaCity said...

I'm not a big fan of PDA's no matter who is doing them. I find them embarassing to be around. Affection in public is one thing, practically conceiving someone's child on the dance floor is quite another ;-)

QUASAR9 said...

Hi Deb, Dr John sent me. lol!

Chana said...

this post was written marverlously. your message is so right on. acceptance is one of the hardest things to learn in our journey. i'm glad you live your life at peace and happy. and that your level head will guide you right in your days.
dr. JOhn send me here.

bazza27 said...

Nice post, agree with every word. Dr John sent me, expect many more.

Zanne said...

I agree with you Deb, Love is the bottom line! Peace! :D

Lori's Minute said...

Sent by Dr. John, a guy who has too much time on his hands and thinks the rest of us do, too (just kidding...we love going to his link picks!).

Well, you are the kind of person I like, one who finally lives the way they ought to but does not need to flaunt it. Good job!

~Deb said...

Well, thank you Dr. John for steering your flock my way. I can see I possibly developed some new readership! Welcome! Come in, take your jacket off, and have yourself a drink and enjoy!

Eleanor Roosevelt was supposedly known to have a lady lover. Interesting, huh? There were many celebrities in the past and present who choose to remain ‘in the closet’ for good reason. (In my opinion.)

Piu piu---welcome back!!! Where you been girl?

ArtsyTartsyViray said...

I'm here cuz of Dr. John.. and I really loved reading your blog.. it was very well written and engaging..

Keep it up!

honkeie2 said...

I think religon is to blame to how we think in the sexual relm. In my eyes humans are just sexual creatures. It is our enviroment that causes fear an anxiety (sp)about sex, does anyone remeber the old say about going blind because you play with yourself?

jali said...

I'd be uncomfortable kissing "A" deeply in front of others. Kissing to make a point isn't sexy at all.

I've marched in pride parades with friends but won't do it anymore because of the "over the top" people there that get on my nerves that seem to always flock to and take over these events.

Cindy said...

To be honest, I believe exactly what the Bible says about homosexuality and when I first saw what your blog was about, I almost left. I'm glad though that I stayed and read the entire post because you do make some excellent points. While I do not agree with your life style, I do agree with your right to make your own choices and live your life as you see fit. And, it's like you said, it's not the ones who quietly and discreetly live their lifestyle that bring a bad name to those who choose an alternative lifestyle. It's those loudmouth ( and I don't care if the loudmouth is a pro-life advocate, a Christian, a gay or lesbian, or whatever) obnoxious people who demonstrate their views in public. I am a Christian but I wouldn't be caught dead at a rally or protest of anything. That is not Christ's way either. So, it's not the "label" that makes anyone a fanatic, it's the ridiculous way they can act. I don't think any of us have any right to ram our views down anyone elses' throats. Living your life well is the best testimony that you can give.
And by the way, Dr. John has you as one of his "listees" for the latest marathon. I doubt that you will see even one obnoxious advocate of anything in the group of people that will surely be visiting you.

J R Estelle said...

I skipped Pride in Atlanta this year for that reason. I can get drunk and sit naked on my back porch. I agree wholeheartedly, many of "us" give "us" a bad name. It's difficult enough to be gay sometimes, and then "we" wonder why straight people shun us.

limpy99 said...

Y'know what else Amanda Bearse, Eleanor Roosevelt, Walt Whitman and Tennessee Williams have in common? They're dead.

What? Oh, sorry, that was Amanda Bearse's career.

Margaret said...

Wait! Hold on! I got something in my eye. Something big like a plank of wood and I can't see clearly.

Amazing how it takes more courage to say that than anything else under the sun. Isn't that right Dr. John?


Janvangogh said...

Flaunters on either side are obnoxious.

No more Kevin Bacon. Time for six degrees of Dr. John.

GeekBrit said...

Deb, thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment on one of my recent "too frazzled to write a decent post" blog entries - I wandered over here to see who you are, and my word, what a post! Blogdom in general should read it as a gentle lesson in the art of thought-provocation.

I could write paragraphs describing my frequent exasperation at obviously insecure and inadequate people's offensive behaviour (Peter Tuttle's public 'outings' of gay clergymen for example), but I'll just say instead that I suspect that I'd be proud (in a good way!) to call you a friend if I knew you.

kahr said...

"...'Cause I'm not being radical when I kiss you
I don't love you to make a point
It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you
And it keeps me alive when we're apart..."

Ever hear that song? It's about loving who you love no matter who they are - just what Deb has been talking about in her last few posts.

Love is love.

Leesa said...

Raymond Burr was homosexual? Ironsides? Really?

GW Mush said...

Dr John sent me to the bakery for a few dozen donuts. Dig in folks.

Cindy said...

Deb- I found your comment on my blog- thank you for your kind comments and for visiting. I hope you'll stop by again.

The Absent Minded Landlord said...

Hmmm, I don't know what happened to the comment I tried post, but it's gone. Anywho, I said something about the fact that I believe it boils down to self esteem. People who are truely confident with who they are, what they do, what they have, etc. don't have to flaunt it.

Also, I like all the visuals lately. They are a nice touch.