The flu? Or not the flu? It’s definitely the question as I sit here still recovering from being sick all weekend. It started Saturday afternoon. I continuously kept fleeing for the bathroom every five minutes. I couldn’t keep anything down. I kept backtracking what I ate that morning, and the night before. Madelene and I got take out from our favorite restaurant. We ordered a thing of mussels, and pasta. How wrong can you get with that? I know you can really get sick of clams, but mussels?
Anyway, that Saturday evening was horrific. I didn’t sleep. I just kept upchucking my eternal organs because there was nothing else I ate that day. My head began to pulse like a drum; as if my brain was being smacked around my huge scull. My body ached from all the hurling and coughing that night. It was awful. I don’t wish this on anyone! All I wanted was my bed.
Here’s my discoveries while being sick. Lifetime. Oh yeah. Big top ten on my list for those entire three days. If I see another wife beater, another pedophile stalking little girls, another family breaking up due to an alcoholic father—I’m going to scream bloody murder! It’s almost as if I have this morbid fixation on Lifetime. You know it’s corny and has a predictable court scene ending, but you sit there and watch it anyway.
4pm...Judge Judy. She reminds me of a mean teacher I once had in high school. You can’t help but laugh when she is reprimanding someone, but you also can’t help but go back in your own memory file, and think of that one particular teacher who used to badger you like the way Judge Judy does in her courtroom. When she reaches her high point of anger, you can almost see her dentures trying to make their way out of her mouth. One day, it’s going to pop out and smack someone right on their forehead. That’s the show I don’t want to miss.
“Excuse me, sir? What do you do for a living?”
“Err, umm, I’m in between right now, your honor.”
“So you’re a LOSER!!!”
“Umm, I’ve been trying to look for a job.” The poor kid tries to explain himself.
“Well try harder!” Judge Judy screams, as she gives Bird a look of disgust.
Bird. What a name!
Another obsession of mine even before I was sick, is COPS. I cannot stop watching this show. The sad thing is, they have marathons of it. Madelene will come home to find me sitting on the couch fixed to the TV in a daze. None of these criminals that they catch have shirts on. Their potbellies hanging out, overflowing their jeans, some wear those wife beater tees, but the rest are usually without a shirt. You always get the scruffy white guy that hasn’t taken a bath in months getting pulled out of his mobile home by the cops, screaming, “I didn’t hit her ossifer! I didn’t do nuttin’ ossifer!” It’s really sad actually. I don’t know why I keep watching this show. It’s almost become a sickness. The best scenes are the ‘set up’ ones, where the cop dresses up as a civilian, and tries to get a hooker. They have cameras all hidden in the hotel room. Once the undercover cop gives her the money, they all come busting through the door as though the hooker was a complete serial killer.
Back to my ‘sick status’. I am feeling better. Madelene has taken great care of me, but refuses to wear a nice little nurse’s outfit. She has forced me to drink a gallon of water a day and tons of Gatorade, which I am now waterlogged. I don’t think I’ll be turning on the TV for the next month or so. Ugh.
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