Avoiding the Cults

It’s definitely frustrating living in a rural area where there are hardly anyone who shares the same lifestyle you do, or they are just hiding out somewhere under a rock too scared to crawl out due to a conservative town. You may have one or two gay bars around but they seem so far away and most of them are dives. Do people in the rural areas come to a point in their lives where they have to consider joining a cult? You may wonder what I am referring to...

Many lesbians will join some sort of lesbian support group. They go to meetings like clockwork as if they were in AA, sit in a circle with a bunch of steel chairs and talk about the challenges they face as a homosexual. They start reading literature, poetry they have written or form some sort of drum circle where they tell their problems as they pound a their hearts away Big Coffee urns and Styrofoam cups sitting on a long fold out table along with some cookies & treats that some folks brought in makes the meeting have that ‘AA feel’ to it.
“Hi I’m Debbie & I’m a lesbian…”
The group all answers simultaneously, “Hi Debbie.”

Is this an addiction? Or is being a lesbian who we are, what we were born as?
Women trickle in one by one hoping that she’ll find Miss Right as they sip their coffee as if it was going to relax them as a glass of wine would. Other women are at the other end of the table enjoying a nice brownie or indulging in a few chocolate chip cookies.
Not only will you get fat at these meetings, but you’ll get anxiety disorder from all the coffee consumed in one sitting. To tell you the truth, I’d rather meet women in a bar! You have many women saying, “Oh I am so sick of the bar scene.” Yeah, I can see that since we are so limited in that area—being if you live in a rural part of town, but you have to consider what comes walking into these ‘women groups’ as well. The good part about these groups is that most of these ladies come in alone oppose to coming in packs due to their embarrassment of joining these ‘cults’. There’s no wondering ‘who the other girl is’ or will you get your ear chewed off by her girlfriend or her ex that tagged along for the ride. I can see that being an advantage. After you got your caffeine fix and sugar high, you are now ready to sit for one full hour on those steel chairs that are enough to give you a bad case of hemorrhoids.

People, let me tell you—this is the same thing as group therapy, but without the medication recommendations. Now it’s time to introduce yourself, tell your name, where you live, how long you’ve been going down on women and why you are here in this group today—what do you plan to accomplish. (Getting laid, right?) As each one takes their turn, the whole group eyes that person as a potential prospect for a lover. The person talking feels the eyes gleaming at them, tugging at them, and feels how in heat this group really is. Most of this group hasn’t had sex in dog’s age, and some masturbated before leaving their house so there wasn’t any sexual tension if they should get aroused in this meeting.

When my ex girlfriend told me she was going to this ‘women’s group’, I laughed and thought to myself (out loud too probably) “It’s a cult!!!” In retrospect, I actually thought this would be a good thing for her since she was such an introvert and didn’t know how to socialize easily. This would give her a chance to meet other lesbian women. She explained that they met every Friday evening at 7pm in a big room behind a bar. Not a bad idea! I have to say that placing these meetings behind a bar is perfect ‘just in case’… After all that coffee, you’re going to want a stiff drink to help you come down from that caffeine high. This gave the girls an opportunity to talk over a cocktail if they were interested in one another. In that case, I didn’t think it was so bad after all, but I don’t think you’ll ever find me in one of those circles anytime soon. My ex-girlfriend explained how every Sunday they had a bowling night. This is where I draw the line folks! A bunch of dykes piling into a bowling alley –picture it! Some wouldn’t even have to change their shoes. I understand that they want to do events together and plan outings, but it’s so obvious when twenty lesbians come marching into an establishment.

About eight years ago, my girlfriend Madelene and I decided to go out with her best friend to a ‘lesbian group function’ at an Episcopalian Church. It was supposed to be a ‘dance’. Are we back in high school or just getting nostalgic? Why are we holding dances for people who are from the ages of 20-85??? Her friend Marcy showed me the flyer and it implied that there were snacks and beverages. Alright! Beverages! This was okay with me since I can sip my way to a good time. Wrong! I walk in with Madelene and Marcy, pay the ‘gals’ $8 bucks to walk over to a table that looked similar to the ones they hold at those lesbian group meetings. This time the goodie table was packed with orange soda, cherry coke, fruit punch, potato chips, cheese platters, veggie platters and a dessert and coffee section of the table. They even had a D.J. playing good music as though you were in a club. All the lovely women piled in as the music got louder and lights started to dim. All three of us remained in one corner of the room *sober* as we watched everyone move to each part of the walls. No one would go in the middle of what’s now the dance floor. Needless to say, we came in a ‘pack’ so no one knew who was with whom or who was single. It was quite confusing to other women. We were trying to help our friend meet other people, so I took Madelene out to slow dance—to indicate ‘this is my girlfriend and Marcy over there is single’… After the song, we walked back over to Marcy who was still standing there alone. We finally tried to encourage her to approach this cute pixie-like girl who was standing all by herself in a pretty dress. Marcy said she couldn’t because she was too shy. This is a big problem then. You cannot be shy at these functions especially if there is absolutely no alcohol there! Alcohol ‘to me’ is the absolute ice-breaker. With moderation it can make for good conversation and laughs. Hours later, raffles drawn off and the D.J. packing up to leave, we decided that it was time to leave this wonderful gathering and head home. Marcy left the dance without any phone numbers, just a bunch of pamphlets for upcoming events.

Lesbians try to get creative and think of innovated solutions on how to meet others in a different atmosphere other than the lesbian cult groups or the non-alcoholic dances.
My good friend Tammy who lives in New York City was in a book store when she noticed a section of the place holding some sort of group. As she walked closer she read the sign, “Dykes Who Knit”. “Hmm,” she thought to herself as she walked even closer to get a good gander at this darling group. They were all sitting on the floor Indian style knitting. These women were in the age group from 40-70, some wearing baseball caps and frumpy clothes. They sat there enjoying their knitting session. Tara had to run behind an aisle full of books behind a column to chuckle so no one would hear her. They literally had her in stitches.

There are books and articles in magazines suggesting us to meet other people with the same interests. I guess this is helpful, but have we come to a point where it is just down right desperate? The one thing I can really commend people on is ‘doing it on their own’. They have a park in New York City where it is only for walking your dog. What a great idea if you want to meet someone. Borrow a dog if you have to! If I were to try and meet someone, this would be it. Even if you have a park around your area, go out and walk your dog, or walk someone else’s dog just so you can meet different people. You get at least one or two comments of how cute your dog is. Believe me; I used to do this when I had my little Chihuahua. The problem was, I brought him out for a daily drag instead of a walk. This dog did not want to walk, he wanted me to pick him up like a little prince and cater to his every needs. I loved him, but I was laughed at rather than complimented on my cute little pup. One lady came up to me as I was trying to convince Poncho- my dog-- to walk with me instead of sniffing every single blade of grass. I heard a chuckle and it was from a lady with her well trained Labrador Retriever.
“Oh how funny, --what a cute dog!”
“Thanks, I just wish I can take him for a walk instead of a drag.” I replied.
“You just have to train him a bit more, he looks like a puppy, my husband spent a long time training Baxter.” she said.
“Yeah, it looks like he’s going to be taking me for a walk for a while.” I replied.
At this time, I was already in a relationship so I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, but that’s how easy it is to have a conversation with someone of the same interest. If I were single, I wouldn’t waste another minute sitting there exchanging dog stories, so I spoke to her for a while as a friend because I wasn’t looking for anything else. People will generally tell you about their husband or family in a conversation when you are first meeting—whether straight or gay. Sometimes it’s more challenging to meet other gay people in a more heterosexual environment, but it makes it a lot of fun in my opinion. Wouldn’t it be ideal to tell your friends that you and your partner met in a straight establishment or environment? The first question people will ask if you don’t look ‘gay’—“Well how did you two know you were both lesbians?” Some would say they have ‘gaydar’. This is just a ‘feeling’ or ‘gut instinct’ of one being a lesbian. You just know.