Monday, September 14, 2009

I Love You Too...

All my life, I've been the type of person where if someone said they had a surprise for me, I’d be pressuring them to tell me what it was. “What? What? What is it?”  I couldn’t just let it be, but in my mind, I kept saying, “Well if it’s a surprise, why are they telling me in the first place?” I sometimes would get caught looking into the closet where my mom had kept all of her Christmas gifts. Each sister had their own shelf. Mine, luckily was eye level since I’m the youngest. I’m not sure why my mom did it that way, since she knew damn well I’d be snooping. My presents should have sat on the very top shelf.  I’m short and scared of heights, so she had double protection right there.

I thought I grew out of it somewhat, but I didn’t. This morning Madelene came inside my office to tell me she had a surprise for me while rubbing her hands together. She looked excited about it. I don’t have a birthday coming up so this really tugged at my impatient strings. She twirled herself around and then walked out to get ready for work.

“You can’t leave it like that!” I said, possibly thinking she would have been strong enough and held it together, but as soon as I saw those cute little eyes twinkle, I knew she was going to tell me right away, or at least until I begged her another ten or twenty times. She kept insisting that it wasn’t a lavish gift and that it was something that she just wanted to do for herself, not necessarily a gift for me - but something that I would be surprised that she did. So now, I’m even more curious as to what it was.

She is printing out all of my blog posts that all have to do with her or were written for her. There are countless blog entries that were written for her so she’s going to be one busy beaver. But as I look back, I remember where I was when I wrote a particular post for her and what I was feeling at that very moment. Usually, my posts aren’t very “mushy” or over the top romantic, but this morning she touched me by how touched she was by my writing.

To my Madelene,

You are my “LOML”.  You’ve always said since the day we met that you made up those initials to state how you felt for me. “The Love Of My Life”. You wrote them along with your signature in all of your letters and cards to me while we were dating and I never put two and two together. I never figured out what it meant until you told me - until after you said you fell in love with me. I remember us having an argument on our third month of dating. I had broken up with you and stormed off out of a crowded bar because I got jealous over some guy wanting to kiss you just because it was his birthday. (Smart guy!)  I was immature and should have been thrilled that every single man and woman in there had their eyes on you, but instead, I headed out of there leaving you in a swarm of admirers. The following morning, you came over hoping to patch things up with me. I was living with my parents at the time, so my options of not answering the door was a bit limited. I did, however, have a very good lock on my bedroom door. My dad let you in because he absolutely adored you.
 

“Sure, she’s probably in dare’ widda’ hangover!  Go 'head and wake her up!”

I woke up to the sounds of a faint little knock. I was floating on my retro full motion waterbed, wondering who the hell would knock so lightly. My mom always tried pushing the door to its limits, even with it tightly secured, screaming, “DEBBBBB? DEBBBBBBBB? WAKE UP!”  I just remained still and tried not to make the water in the bed swish from side to side. You could have heard any movement I made. I lied there still, thinking it must have been someone else...but who?  Then I heard your sweet voice. “Deb? It’s Mad, open up please?”   My heart started pounding and my thoughts then raced over to why I was initially angry at you, but I kept thinking, wow, she’s here so early in the morning trying to make up with me. I also thought, wow she actually got past my parents!

I didn’t answer the door. My pride was too big in order to do what I really wanted to do: open the door and hug and kiss you and say it’s ok. My pride didn’t want me to see that you were the most beautiful woman, and that naturally, other people are going to think the same thing. My pride slapped me in the face and pushed me back down on the bed and said, “Don’t move, let her stew.”

When I heard you leaving, my heart sank. When I heard you leaving, tears came pouring out of my eyes because I let pride get in the way of how I really felt. I’m sorry. I was insecure and jealous. I should have opened the door for you, but instead, I waited until you left and snuck out into the living room to get a glass of water because I had a huge lump in my throat. I had fallen in love with you. I didn’t want you to know that I was in love with you because I never thought you’d ever fall in love with me.  After a few shots of Jagermeister, the truth spilled out.  I said the three words that were tugging at my heart: I love you. To me, you were too classy of a woman to fall in love with someone like me, but I still took a chance. You were an absolute queen in my eyes ----you were perfect, and still are.

It was then I looked over at the counter and saw a note written by you.

“I still love you and care for you, Debbie. If you feel I hurt you I do apologize. But if you take the time to look over the past few months and see that my words, actions and feelings add up to only one thing - the truth, you’ll see I do not have any reason to play with your head.

I love you. Last night you told me you loved me. Why are you constantly debating my feelings for you??
I love you.
Love you.
Love you,
Mad

There will never be anyone else for me, but you.”


Ever since I found this note, it has not left me. It's been folded up and has been kept with me everywhere I've gone. I have never once left home without this note. Whether we were together or separated, this note has always remained with me. I don’t know if you knew that. I don’t even know if you have a clue that this note still exists.

For fourteen years, you've been my best friend, you've been my lover, you've been everything I could ever want in one woman. You've been forgiving, understanding and has shown me what the true meaning of unconditional love means. You've shown me how happy I could be and let me know it's okay to be myself. You've never once judged me or ridiculed the way I lived or wanted to live my life. Life without you would be empty. You give me laughter, happiness, hope and love. I've never met anyone like you before. Everyday it feels new with you. Every single hour spent with you goes by so fast because we have so much fun together. Each morning while we have breakfast together, you run late because we talk until we lose track of time. We never run out of things to talk about. We never run out of things to do. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for accepting me and most of all, thank you for "you"...  Maybe you can print this post out, as well as the other archive love posts to you. 

And Madelene?  ...I love you too.