Saturday, November 08, 2008

My "Lovahhhhh" - So Wrong On So Many Levels

Tell me if I’m wrong. I have a hard time addressing Madelene as, “my wife”. No, I don't have regrets about marrying her, but when I’m bringing up Madelene in a conversation, I keep referring to her as my girlfriend or partner. Wife just doesn’t slip out of my mouth easily. I just keep thinking of how people will react to “wife” as opposed to girlfriend or partner. Girlfriend or partner is more understandable to most of the mainstream peeps, so it makes the conversation a bit easier. Then again, there are people who highly disagree with me (Madelene mostly) and feel that “wife” should be addressed in any circumstance. I'm just finding through my own experience with using "wife", that it confuses people a great deal. I guess it doesn't matter, right?

Funny and true story… One day Madelene and I were walking inside our local bank making some deposits. She suggested that we make the deposit in one account and was generous enough to pile it all in mine, so the teller says, “Oh, someone else is making transactions for you today, Debra? Is this your sister or friend?” I just gave her a blank stare through my huge sunglasses and said, “No, she’s my partner.” She then gleams over at Madelene and asks, “Oh, nice! What type of business are you gals in?” See? The word “partner” is just as confusing too. Is it business or pleasure? Who knows? Who cares?!! The worst label in my opinion is, “lover”. I absolutely detest people calling their girlfriends, boyfriends or partners, “lovers”.

“My lovahhhhh…”

Ew. No. It doesn't flow.

People keep asking me how I feel now that I’m married. “How’s the married life treatin’ ya?” It feels absolutely the same only with a bigger ring. (?) I get the questionable ‘should you have taken this step so soon’ look and give them the good ol’ ‘I’ve been with her for 14 fricken years’ look back. But all kidding aside, I do want to say that my ceremony was so special to me and giving her my vows on that day was something I have dreamt about for many years. It brought our relationship to a new level and it feels wonderful. We’ve always had a great friendship and relationship as well as little and big bumps along the road, but it feels as though we’ve gone through so much of the bullshit and bypassed a lot of things that many couples would have given up on already. So, I’m grateful that Madelene has stuck it out with me. She never gave up on me even when I was being a huge jerk---and I do admit to that. She has been such a great support system even when she didn’t have to be. I’ve been realizing that when you truly, deeply love somebody, you never give up on them. You take them ‘as is’ and love them regardless…and for who they are and not what they did in the past. Forgiveness, understanding and communication have played a huge roll in our relationship…and now in our marriage.

I know I’m not perfect by a long shot, but what we have now is so much better than what we ever had. I guess with all that being said, it’ll be easier calling her “my wife”. Soon enough, the angry little hetero religious monsters will be voting against gay marriage and our union will no longer be legal, however - no one can take away the love that we have for one another in our hearts. Vote away - we’ll still be here happy as clams or should I say, lovahhhhs!


SJ said...

Hope you get to keep the legal part too. Best of luck :)

barman said...

Deb I understand what you are doing. In many ways that is the types of things I would do. But I think you need to take into account how Madelene feels much more than what anyone else feels.

I must admit that I would be a little surprised if someone where to introduce their partner as their wife. I just am not use to that. I hear partner or life partner much more often. But note I said surprised (which actually is the wrong word but...) and not shocked or confused.

You know, I just noticed something. If you do not refer to Madelene as your wife, why not refer to her as your life partner? I would think that would be clearer then just the word partner. I would not think someone would think of her as your business associate then either.

~Deb said...

SJ: Thank you! :)

Barman: You're right. It's what I do now, I call her "partner" if someone does ask me, and usually, "usually" it's never confused business-wise. Heh... That was just one time and it was quite comical. It's just tricky to address Madelene as "my wife" without mainstream looking at me like, "WHAAAAAAT?"

I agree though. I think along the same lines! :)

~Just Me~ said...

This is a good post. I find the same thing. I have trouble referring to my g/f as my wife. Though she is. Its just weird. Of course my circumstances are way different than yours. She has no trouble calling me her wife. I've always called her my g/f or partner. Maybe one day when she's here, and if we do a new ceremony it would be different.

It's legal up here in Canada, but in Texas it's not.

~Deb said...

I remember when my two close friends got married, they went by "my wife" when introducing one another to new people and I used to cringe for some reason. I guess it was so new and so unconventional that for me, it was almost as if it was fake. I know that sounds awful on my part, but it was so odd for me. Maybe that's why it is a good idea to teach kids when they're younger about gays and lesbians, only because it's so kept under the rug for as long as possible, that it almost becomes non-existent until some woman refers to her girlfriend as, "my wife".

Tim said...

Hi Deb, My sister and her partner have been married for about 10 years and have never thought of using husband or wife. They always felt it would give people the idea that one of them was then the "husband" and then questions about why is one of them the wife and the other the husband... and on and on and on...

The still go by partner when they introduce each other, because that is how they look at each What's interesting is with their children. My sister is "mom" and her partner is "mutty" which is german for mother. This way they are both mom, but unique as well. Pretty cool.

When it comes down to it Deb, you need to use whatever feels comfortable to the two of you. Regardless of what words you use, Somebody, sometime is going to say Huh? and in the big picture... no big deal.

ps glad we got past the election. I just couldn't respond to those couple...sorry

~Deb said...

You're right, Tim. I think it's a matter of the stereotype embedded thoughts of, "Who's the wife and who's the husband" type of questions. I'm surprised people still think that way, and yes there are couples like that, but not most. Most are just 'who they are' and it doesn't mean one is manlier than another OR plays a "role". We're not playing house, we're living life.

I guess I can only speak for me. :|

Anyway, even though the election has passed, the animosity and confusing messages are still lingering re: our new president. So, bear with me because I have just posted another issue about it.

You never need to comment if you feel it's overwhelming or just 'too much'... I am politically exhausted, yet I can't help wonder about certain things.


Thanks, Tim!

Jess said...

LOL! Funny...

I just call Krystal my girlfriend or my other half. I never say better half cause we all know I am the better half! LMAO! Just kidding and I hope she doesn't read that!

Blu Jewel said...

Though I'm hetrosexual, I'm very much in favor of same-sex marriages and your relationship clearly demonstrates that fidelity is very much a part of same-sex relationships. I think you should be afforded all the opportunities hetro couples have. I pray that your marriage isn't over turned in the near future.

Calling Madelene your wife is something you'll have to get used to, but calling her your love will not. Continued blessings to you both.


Samantha said...

I've never liked the term 'partner' myself, it seems too scary and grown up for me! I usually joke my way through introductions so I must confess, I have used 'lovahhh' once or twice!

ann said...

just playing catchup after a leave of absence and just read your lovely news - mazal tov on your nuptials - I wish you both a lifetime of happily wedded bliss....

lotsa luv ann xxxxxx

kathi said...

Can't you just use the term 'spouse'? It's a non gender term and doensn't leave any room for misinterpretation.