Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Walking In a Liquor Wonderland

Champagne streams, are you listening?
In the land, my family’s drinking
A beautiful sound, we’re happy & loud
Walking in an liquor wonderland

Gone away, went my sanity
Here to stay is calamity
I sang a love song
The vodka was strong
Walking in a liquor wonderland

In the meadow we can make a gimlet
And pretend that he is Bobby Brown
He’ll say: Are you married?
We’ll say: No man.
Then you can do my wife while you’re in town

Later on, we’ll perspire
Drunk and nude, by the fire
To face the unafraid
Turning the lights on is brave
Walking in a liquor wonderland

In the meadow we can make a cocktail
And pretend that we are circus clowns
We’ll have lots of fun with mister snowman
Until the batteries start wearing down

When it snows
Ain’t it thrilling?
Another drink, and I’m willing
To frolic and play
The S&M way
Walking in a liquor wonderland

Walking in a liquor wonderland
Walking in a liquor wonderland

~By Deb

Lovely, isn’t it? I think it’s the first song lyrics that I wrote on my own for this blog. Talent isn’t my strongpoint, so you’ll have to excuse me.

Christmas Eve came and went. I emphasize on ‘went’. The nicest thing about the shindig was that my friend Tamar, who celebrates Hanukah, celebrates it on Christmas Eve with us. She has been coming over to our Christmas Eve parties for five years now. I met her from my old job working in telecommunications. She was the one who taught me everything I know. We got along as soon as we met, and remained friends from there on. Tamar is a wonderful person. My family and anyone I know absolutely adore her. (The picture above is Madelene, Tamar & my mother.)

The funny thing is, when she asks me, “What should I bring over?” I usually say—“Oh nothing, just bring yourself!” This year, I requested something that I have been craving ever since she introduced it to me. Gefilte fish. She knows that I don’t eat shellfish (because I'm allergic) and that I don’t go near foods packed with pork or other mystery meats. I think I converted into a Jew! In fact, everything about the Jewish culture, I love. The one thing that separates me from being Jewish & Christian, is my love for Jesus. Other than that, bring on the Gefilte!

It was an interesting evening to say the least. Each person that walked through the door requested a drink immediately. Of course, I was initiated ‘bartender’ for the night.
“Oh, Deb’s a bartender anyway--she makes the best drinks, tell her what you want.” It’s like fricken reverse psychology they pull on me. You know when someone says, “Oh but you’re so good at it! Why don’t you do it?” You know there are selfish motives behind that statement.

Drinks were pouring freely. A lady that happened to walk in requested a dry vodka martini—straight up. Fine. She would not eat dinner until she had two martinis. Perfect gathering for an AA meeting. They were all getting prepared. For what? The kids to arrive. All the kids came through hoping to see Santa with margarita in hand. After a few hours of sad faces on the children, I told them to go upstairs, because the elf brought them a few presents they could open up. (The elf being me of course--shush!)

Only two came with me. They climbed up the stairs like little munchkins and went into my living room.

“Wow! Look at the presents under the tree!”

I handed each of them two presents each. They were excited, and I knew it was something that they wanted. I handed my niece her dinosaur she’s been asking for. Then she opened up her light sabers from Star Wars. She looked up at me with an angry stare, and said, “Where’s the mask to these???” An unhappy customer.

As my nephew opened up his Thomas train tracks along with a little train wash I got for him, he immediately said, “Thank you Debbie, oh thank you so much Debbie!” As he kept digging deeper into the box, he turned around and said, “But Debbie, where’s the train and the stand to it all?” (Which his mom has under her tree at home.)
Another unhappy customer.

I decided to give my mother her present. She has wanted a new oven/toaster for a while. The one she has is like thirty years old, so I gave her the top of the line one. You can fit two Cornish hens in this puppy! She opens it up. She stares at it. She puts it on her counter.
“Do you think it’s too big? How do you work this? Look at all the knobs! Is this going to be too complicated? Why does it have a ticking sound while it’s toasting?”
Another unhappy customer.

Then I thought, dad is going to love my gift. He has an old crummy cappuccino maker. The froth nozzle is covered in an old milky crust from fifteen years ago. Yeah, it’s time for a new one. So he opens it up.

“Oh wow. You didn’t have to get me something so expensive. This is nice.”

He stares at it. He opens it up. He starts trying it out--to only have it spit coffee in his face due to not tightening the nozzle enough. It wasn’t a mechanical problem—it was an ‘operator problem’.

“Ya not gonna like dis’Rose!” My father yells out from in the kitchen. He didn’t think I could hear him…but I did. Needless to say, another unhappy customer.

It’s now sitting on my desk in my office. A little Christmas gift to myself.

The only happy customer was Madelene. She got what she wanted--she even appreciated it! I got her perfume by Chanel and a dinner at her favorite expensive restaurant. Being together during the holidays with Madelene is the best gift to me. We have so much fun together. She’s my best friend, as well as my life partner. I think when you have that foundation of friendship—it makes it that much better. Thank you Madelene!

When has Christmas become such a greedy holiday? If someone got me a present that I wasn’t too crazy about, I would say ‘thank you very much’, and not make such a fuss over it. I wish Christmas was like Thanksgiving. You spend time with loved ones, eat, drink and just enjoy one another’s company. No, it has become such a stressful, greedy, 'I want I want’ holiday that you need gallons of wine and liquor in order to stay sane.

My little niece walked over to me and gave me a present.
“Here Debbie, this is for you!” She says, as she hands me this big box in a bag. She waited until I opened it, and to my surprise, it was the best gift of all. It was a glass bucket with six beakers in it. You put ice in the glass bucket, and fill up the beakers with vodka. A chilled vodka holder set. My three year old really knows what to get Aunt Deb for Christmas. I’ll never forget this. It brings tears to my eyes that my little niece accepts my alcohol problem.

After Christmas was winding down, I found myself in the grips of a major anxiety attack last Sunday evening. It was so bad, that I had to take two ativans to relieve it. That didn’t even work. I had to do it the way my family does it----I guzzled down a few beers along with it, and I went to bed.

Now that the holidays are ‘almost over’, I’m calming down a tad. New Year’s Eve is always a fun thing, because you don’t have to get anything other than champagne and a lot of booze.

Ugh. I need a drink.