Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Walking In a Liquor Wonderland

Champagne streams, are you listening?
In the land, my family’s drinking
A beautiful sound, we’re happy & loud
Walking in an liquor wonderland

Gone away, went my sanity
Here to stay is calamity
I sang a love song
The vodka was strong
Walking in a liquor wonderland

In the meadow we can make a gimlet
And pretend that he is Bobby Brown
He’ll say: Are you married?
We’ll say: No man.
Then you can do my wife while you’re in town

Later on, we’ll perspire
Drunk and nude, by the fire
To face the unafraid
Turning the lights on is brave
Walking in a liquor wonderland

In the meadow we can make a cocktail
And pretend that we are circus clowns
We’ll have lots of fun with mister snowman
Until the batteries start wearing down

When it snows
Ain’t it thrilling?
Another drink, and I’m willing
To frolic and play
The S&M way
Walking in a liquor wonderland

Walking in a liquor wonderland
Walking in a liquor wonderland

~By Deb

Lovely, isn’t it? I think it’s the first song lyrics that I wrote on my own for this blog. Talent isn’t my strongpoint, so you’ll have to excuse me.

Christmas Eve came and went. I emphasize on ‘went’. The nicest thing about the shindig was that my friend Tamar, who celebrates Hanukah, celebrates it on Christmas Eve with us. She has been coming over to our Christmas Eve parties for five years now. I met her from my old job working in telecommunications. She was the one who taught me everything I know. We got along as soon as we met, and remained friends from there on. Tamar is a wonderful person. My family and anyone I know absolutely adore her. (The picture above is Madelene, Tamar & my mother.)

The funny thing is, when she asks me, “What should I bring over?” I usually say—“Oh nothing, just bring yourself!” This year, I requested something that I have been craving ever since she introduced it to me. Gefilte fish. She knows that I don’t eat shellfish (because I'm allergic) and that I don’t go near foods packed with pork or other mystery meats. I think I converted into a Jew! In fact, everything about the Jewish culture, I love. The one thing that separates me from being Jewish & Christian, is my love for Jesus. Other than that, bring on the Gefilte!

It was an interesting evening to say the least. Each person that walked through the door requested a drink immediately. Of course, I was initiated ‘bartender’ for the night.
“Oh, Deb’s a bartender anyway--she makes the best drinks, tell her what you want.” It’s like fricken reverse psychology they pull on me. You know when someone says, “Oh but you’re so good at it! Why don’t you do it?” You know there are selfish motives behind that statement.

Drinks were pouring freely. A lady that happened to walk in requested a dry vodka martini—straight up. Fine. She would not eat dinner until she had two martinis. Perfect gathering for an AA meeting. They were all getting prepared. For what? The kids to arrive. All the kids came through hoping to see Santa with margarita in hand. After a few hours of sad faces on the children, I told them to go upstairs, because the elf brought them a few presents they could open up. (The elf being me of course--shush!)

Only two came with me. They climbed up the stairs like little munchkins and went into my living room.

“Wow! Look at the presents under the tree!”

I handed each of them two presents each. They were excited, and I knew it was something that they wanted. I handed my niece her dinosaur she’s been asking for. Then she opened up her light sabers from Star Wars. She looked up at me with an angry stare, and said, “Where’s the mask to these???” An unhappy customer.

As my nephew opened up his Thomas train tracks along with a little train wash I got for him, he immediately said, “Thank you Debbie, oh thank you so much Debbie!” As he kept digging deeper into the box, he turned around and said, “But Debbie, where’s the train and the stand to it all?” (Which his mom has under her tree at home.)
Another unhappy customer.

I decided to give my mother her present. She has wanted a new oven/toaster for a while. The one she has is like thirty years old, so I gave her the top of the line one. You can fit two Cornish hens in this puppy! She opens it up. She stares at it. She puts it on her counter.
“Do you think it’s too big? How do you work this? Look at all the knobs! Is this going to be too complicated? Why does it have a ticking sound while it’s toasting?”
Another unhappy customer.

Then I thought, dad is going to love my gift. He has an old crummy cappuccino maker. The froth nozzle is covered in an old milky crust from fifteen years ago. Yeah, it’s time for a new one. So he opens it up.

“Oh wow. You didn’t have to get me something so expensive. This is nice.”

He stares at it. He opens it up. He starts trying it out--to only have it spit coffee in his face due to not tightening the nozzle enough. It wasn’t a mechanical problem—it was an ‘operator problem’.

“Ya not gonna like dis’Rose!” My father yells out from in the kitchen. He didn’t think I could hear him…but I did. Needless to say, another unhappy customer.

It’s now sitting on my desk in my office. A little Christmas gift to myself.

The only happy customer was Madelene. She got what she wanted--she even appreciated it! I got her perfume by Chanel and a dinner at her favorite expensive restaurant. Being together during the holidays with Madelene is the best gift to me. We have so much fun together. She’s my best friend, as well as my life partner. I think when you have that foundation of friendship—it makes it that much better. Thank you Madelene!

When has Christmas become such a greedy holiday? If someone got me a present that I wasn’t too crazy about, I would say ‘thank you very much’, and not make such a fuss over it. I wish Christmas was like Thanksgiving. You spend time with loved ones, eat, drink and just enjoy one another’s company. No, it has become such a stressful, greedy, 'I want I want’ holiday that you need gallons of wine and liquor in order to stay sane.

My little niece walked over to me and gave me a present.
“Here Debbie, this is for you!” She says, as she hands me this big box in a bag. She waited until I opened it, and to my surprise, it was the best gift of all. It was a glass bucket with six beakers in it. You put ice in the glass bucket, and fill up the beakers with vodka. A chilled vodka holder set. My three year old really knows what to get Aunt Deb for Christmas. I’ll never forget this. It brings tears to my eyes that my little niece accepts my alcohol problem.

After Christmas was winding down, I found myself in the grips of a major anxiety attack last Sunday evening. It was so bad, that I had to take two ativans to relieve it. That didn’t even work. I had to do it the way my family does it----I guzzled down a few beers along with it, and I went to bed.

Now that the holidays are ‘almost over’, I’m calming down a tad. New Year’s Eve is always a fun thing, because you don’t have to get anything other than champagne and a lot of booze.

Ugh. I need a drink.

35 comments:

Fred said...

Well, since you need a drink, at least you now have the beakers to use.

My middle daughter sounds like some of your customers. Surrounded by presents, she told us of her unhappinesss because she didn't get enough clothes or an iPod. Merry Christmas to you, too, honey.

Great song lyrics. Well done.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Another hysterical, yet warm family post. Thanks for your memories! Sorry about the electrical appliances. You might want to buy them an electric air purifier next year, instead. ;o)

BTW, I added you to my links!

Mike said...

Nice song lyrics.

I'm thinking gift cards may be the answer for the 'unhappy customers'

But I'm with you...even if the gift isn't liked/wanted...ya gotta show some appreciation dammit!

marcy_peanut said...

In the meadow we can make a gimlet
And pretend that he is Bobby Brown
He’ll say: Are you married?
We’ll say: No man.
Then you can do my wife while you’re in town


But would you really want to ????

TERRIFIC song lyrics, Deb!!

-----

BTW--I loved the Bionic Woman action figure you got me, but where's her sidekick Max??? ;)

Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars! said...

It's almost like having an extension built onto the side of my sister's house where I can walk in on your family and not notice the difference. Except that my mother would have pointed out that if you poured different colored liquids into those beakers, you'd have a dildo party-pack.

Geoffrey Hirschfeld said...

Deb, are you sure that we are not related? Next Christmas, we are going to trade, but instead of you drinking vitamin V on Christmas(jerk-I had to ferry the troops around so it was just 1! glass of wine for me-no Gray Goose), you can come drink Champagne and Cab with my family. I didn't even get any Christmas nookie, and there was plenty of mistletoe around the GIF's apartment.

I loved the song-I hope you don't mind if I pilfer it and send it to a few members of my family.

I am happy for you that you and Madaline had a beautiful holiday togeather. You both glow the light of people who really understand each other, the light that only real love brings. It's funny, because the holidays usually bring out the worst in people(read: christmas greed), and it's nice to see people in love and happy on the holidays.

Breathe deep, my dear, breathe deep-it's over. And if you need it, I know a place that has a sign for your folk's kitchen-"Caution-Incompetent machine operators ahead".

Joyeux Noel!

Oswald Croll said...

OMG, is that a bottle of GM I see there?

Looks like you had a blast.

Happy holidays, and avaid the tequila a all costs....

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Real Quick ~deb,
Check-out under May 6 Archives on our blog and tell me if that chick faverz ya under."Jammy" Readers Wet Dream"...I think it duz....

Natalia said...

Very wise words...being with the people you love should be the most important thing. X-mas really does become about people overspending and outdoing other people with their gifts. And then people get upset that they didn't get what they wanted, when the gifts should be the icing on the cake of togetherness and health and happiness. Glad you and Madeleine got it right :)

-N

~Deb said...

Fred: My father has four daughters, and he claims he got the wrong harem. You having six of them----I give you credit! You got your hands full mister!

Saurkraut: You ain’t kidding! Definitely some sort of air purifier, or buy myself a nice gas mask. Thanks Saur!

Mike: Ya like the lyrics? ;) Gift cards? They’ll be unhappy with that as well. Nothing next time!

Marcy: No, I wouldn’t want to. Believe me…many ‘thug-like’ women prancing around here as it is. Oh and by the way, Santa has your sidekick. I’m just the elf.

Tom: Hmm…interesting concept. A nice little party pack.

Geoffrey: Thank you…Well, Madelene witnessed me having a nervous breakdown, but that’s a whole other story. Wasn’t all perfect, believe you me!

*Breathing*

Os: Sure is—being the bartender that you are, you should know! I do avoid the tequila ----bad memories…or wait….errr….lack there of.

Stevo: I would dump Madelene in a heartbeat for that woman-----if she wore a tool belt full of shots and beer, that’s my kinda’ gal! I’m in love. Thanks Stevo!!!

Natalia: You're right. Unappreciative...ugh. I'm so done with this holiday! *pulls hair out* :)

Casually Me said...

We were never allowed to say something rude about a present we didn't like. But I do remember the fake smiles on our faces when we recieved that ugly sweater from Grandma, or the pair of pants from Santa. It's a smile, but you are really only holding it until you can open the next gift. I think this transparent attempt at being nice has grown up with me as I am now thankful for the gift of life, and I don't even have to fake a smile, well except when I talk to my ex-wives.

~Deb said...

Ex-wives? Hmmm....And no fake smiles? That's a talent! ;)

We were always taught to smile and appreciate our gifts, and the ones who taught 'me' that-----don't even do what they told me. Hypocrites!!! :)

Crassius Maximus said...

MMMMMM. Sea critters and hooch.

~Deb said...

Hungry cras? Stay away from the crabs!

FreeThinker said...

Wow! Great, creative poetry! Much better that what I can come up with:

I think that I shall never hear
A poem lovelier than beer.
That tasty brew on the tap
With golden base and snowy cap.
The foamy stuff I drink all day
Until my memory fades away.
Poems are made by fools, I fear
But only Germans can make a beer.


Have a Cool Yule!

Bill Jones, Jr said...

Hey Deb. Sorry you can't comment on my blog. I don't know what the problem is. No one else has mentioned that. You are a sweet lady. WHENEVER someone complains about a gift I give, I IMMEDIATELY take it back. Pisses 'em off into submission. Also, when people try to manipulate me by telling me "you're sooo gooood at it," I tell them "I'm good at using the toilet too. You want me to piss on ya'."

I can be a real asshole when I wants to.

Oh and your song reminds me of my Grandfather's : Jingle bells, jingle bells, beer cans in the grass. Christmas is here, ha ha ha, shove it up your ..." Ah, memories, memories.

green said...

I'll leave my comment before I read the other comments. Nice lyrics. I can almost hear Bing Crosby singing your words...

Sounds like you all need AA memberships for Christmas...

Don't you hate it when people complain about their presents after you put all of that thought & love into buying them?? Ungrateful ^&*%@()##!$$! just be happy you got anything at all....

Glad you had a reasonably nice Christmas...

Happy New Year. Wow. 2006 already...

DZER said...

in the immortal words of ogden nash:

candy is dandy.
but liquor is quicker.

nosthegametoo said...

Deb, once again you've managed to make me smile and laugh at the same time. You're great.

~Deb said...

Freethinker: I never said I was a poet, just a drunk one on lots of meds. So excuse my lack of talent there. Glad you liked it though.

Sable: I love you sweetie! It’s my slow connection. I need to get a better internet provider….I need to get a life….I need to win the lotto….oops---this needs to be addressed in therapy. Glad you liked my song. I’ll serenade you with my guitar under your bedroom window. Hope I don’t scare ya!

Green: AA memberships cards would be MUCH appreciated in this household! Please---send them ASAP! I hope you have a wonderful New Year’s as well!

Dzer: That should be written in the bible…

Nosthegametoo: I always love seeing you smile & laugh---makes you live longer. Thank you for the kind words.

Now for a drink!

Genna said...

Miss Deb,

It is sad that Christmas has become so commercialized. And the next day, the kids will not remember who they got anything from. It is all about the presents. It makes you wonder why you spent so much on them in the first place.... And the next year it is the same thing....

I am glad that you made Madelene so happy! I hope your anxiety has passed... I will send you a long distance hug. Catch--

Goodbye Marylou said...

Hi, thanks for visiting!
Your blog is awesome!
See you soon...

~Deb said...

Thank you Genna! I'm gonna need that hug! I was so stressed!!!!

goodbye: I visited your blog? I don't recall. I will check it out now though. Hmmm....

Miss 1999 said...

It sounds like a fun time! I'm sorry abut the anxiety attack- I know how horrible those things are-I'm going to e-mail you in a little bit about some things to ask your doctor. Take care of yourself! *hugs*

~Deb said...

The anxiety is awful, but thankfully I'm feeling a bit better today. Thanks so much! xxoo

crallspace said...

Those Gefiltes look good. I like the matzo balls.
I'll avoid the liquor though... beer's good enough.

kathi said...

I loved your song!!! And, as for your family...I think my Charlie belongs to you...give me your addy and he's yours.
I loved everything I got for Christmas. My two favorite things...my hubby's card (what he wrote inside of it, I'll blog about it) and late in the evening, hubby and I were having a drink at Fritz's (at the base of the mountain) and we met this couple that had 2 13 wk old labs with them, one blonde and one black. I fell in love and they let me hold them and play with them for an hour (the pups, sicko). Best time ever.
Love you so much, Deb.

Casually me ~ wives, as in how many?

barman said...

If I were to attend your shindig I would have been a happy customer with a drink. No presents please. I can be easily pleased at times.

The picture of Madelene, Tamar, and Mom, very nice. The picture of you and Madelene, priceless. Glad at least someone was happy. Oh and what a nice gift you received. Very nice indeed.

Have a blast for new years Deb.

Deadly Female said...

Unhappy customers make me feel sad - a gift is a gift and should always be received as if it is the one thing that makes your life complete. I try to instill that into my children, never to be ungrateful, always to be thankful. Have a peaceful New Year, Deb - the picture of you and Madelene was beautiful xx

Danielle said...

i need some of that liquor for breakfast, ha!!! I LOVE SHELLFISH GURL my god you got me hungry now lol. Loved the pics gurl, have a great day!

DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

Sounds like a helluva time. Sorry about the anxiety attack. I hope that you have a wonderful New Year!

~Deb said...

Kathi: I’ll sing it for you in person. Bring Charlie over! We’ll have a blast—(hope you don’t mind me making him an alcoholic at the age of what---15???) The card your hubby gave you sounds adorable! Madelene gave me a card for Christmas, but I didn’t get her one. I just thought- Christmas/presents/no card/she’ll know I love her anyways…I’m such a non-romantic. What the hell happened to me? Love you sweetie!!!

Wondering about the ‘wives’ myself there…

Barman: That’s how I am! Give me the drink first, and bring on the ---gefilte! Naw, we had other stuff that wasn’t ‘death threatening’ to me as well. Thanks for the nice compliment! Enjoy your New Year’s Eve! Be safe.

Deadly Female: Can’t please everyone. Some people weren’t brought up that way. Funny thing, my mother always brought me up to be grateful and say ‘thank you’ all the time, and yet she doesn’t do that now. Hmm. Enjoy your New Year too!

Danielle: Mmmm….liquor for breakfast---you’re my kinda’ woman! But no shellfish…ickkk…. If Madelene even eats the stuff- I can’t kiss her.

Displaced New Yorker: It was…the anxiety attack was a fun ending to it all! Damn. I hope you have a happy new year as well!!!

Mike L. said...

That song, that fabulous song....
I applaud you.

├ůsa said...

Thank you for your fabulous lyrics! I am a xmas-song fanatic and this was one of the better ones for sure! Enjoy the new year :-)

Wenchy said...

I so enjoyed reading this!