Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

Thank God. A trip to the psychiatrist should do the trick. He should be able to calm my nerves and make me feel a little better this Christmas holiday. This is exactly what I need before I go into Toys "R" Us and Walmart to be trampled down by overstressed mothers trying to get the latest toys for their kids. Psychiatry was on my ‘to do’ list. Shopping is definitely a sign of love. I absolutely hate it--what an oxymoron!

My girlfriend was so gracious enough to come to the doc’s office with me and wait there like a mental patient watching all the other wackos in need of help. She doesn’t mind. She sticks her nose in some weird magazine for a good hour. While sitting with Madelene waiting for the doc to call me in, Madelene pointed something out to me. In the New Yorker Magazine, it showed Jessica Coen making $30,000 per year just by blogging. Her stats show that almost 2,000 people visit 'per hour’. Holy mother load of bloggers! I know that $30,000 per year isn’t a lot--but just for blogging? How many of us have careers already and yet still blog? Unreal, huh?

So now doc calls me into his office. I walk into his dismally lit hallway into his office. We always do the routine ‘sit and stare at each other’ for about twenty awkward seconds. This guy has had it. I mean, I’m his last call for the day—he’s drained. The poor man doesn’t need to hear me bitch and moan. I should have printed out my posts and called it a night. My doc was tired. The bags under his eyes were almost reaching down to his chin.

“So you're still writing?” Doc chooses his first opening words to me. I start going into paranoia mode thinking, “Shit! He reads my blogs? Does he know my web address? Can he find this out? Does he know I think he has a personality of a rock?”

I said, scratching my head out of nervousness trying to erase my paranoia.
“Doc, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately.”
“Of course you have—it’s the holidays.”

Okay, obviously this is going nowhere. Maybe my approach is wrong? Anxiety is ‘too generalized’ for them these days. Tell them something they don’t hear. I look around the office and noticed that my framed photos are plastered on his walls. I was really flattered about this. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to gloat. Was he trying to make me feel better ‘during the stressful holidays’ by hanging up my photography? Meanwhile, after I leave his office, those puppies go back in the closet of ‘gifts from psychopaths’.

Don’t you wish they would just say a magic word, and your stress would fizzle into a bunch of nothingness? All of his blandishments to induce cognitive behavior therapy are all meaningless words. They seem so wishy-washy. I can sit and rant and rave, but I walk out feeling like I did when I walked in there. I anxiously wait upon his prescription of relaxation, and make my way out the door.

“How’d it go?” Madelene asks. ”Eh, you know.”

Those are the words that are always repeated when I step out of doc’s office. I bet you anything those words will become a residual haunting for anyone who sits and waits there like we do. ~How’d it go…Eh, you know…How’d it go…Eh, you know…~

Madelene and I head off to Toys "R" Us. As soon as I walk through those doors, I get instant tunnel vision and my chest starts to feel heavy. Everyone is the ‘enemy’ while walking through the mass crowds.

“God damn it Andrew! Get back here! Stop it now!”

Mothers all over screaming bloody murder at their children and tons of people on cell phones bumping into you because they’re not paying attention to what they’re doing. You say ‘excuse me’, and they look at you as if you did something wrong. Then you have your fricken nimrods that stand in a small isle and don’t move. Oh—they know you’re behind them, but hell if they’re going to budge.

“EXCUSE ME!” I say- in an aggressive tone. And they move—instantly. I run over to get the last of my presents for my nephew. He wants pieces for his Thomas train set. I got him more tracks and a little train wash for him. Let me tell you- these pieces weren’t cheap. I get to the counter, happy to get the hell out of there. I start joking with the cashier because my little ‘pet rescue dog’ for my niece started crying out loud. It wouldn’t stop. I didn’t even press the “Try Me” button. It was evil- this thing was alive!

“I’m tellin’ ya, this thing is going to drive me nuts on the way home.” I said to the check out girl. She started laughing because it kept going off each time we spoke. I was dreading the ride home now.

Oddly enough, the ride home was quiet. When we arrived home, we unpacked our things to notice we were missing two bags.

“SHIT! This would only happen to me—and now I have to trek back out there to pick them up! They probably stole it! This is horrible!” I went on and on and on, now starting to slam doors and punch walls. Oh, yeah, it was a scene to be ‘seen’. I couldn’t have thought of the rational technique that Madelene used, could I?

“Hi, we just got back from your store, and left two bags full of toys in there……………..really? Great! And can I have your name so I can refer to you? Thank you, Janice, I appreciate all your help and I’ll be there in the morning.” Madelene says as she hangs up the phone and gives me this, ‘you need help stare’.

I need a drink.


Wenchy said...

Btw - I have anxiety disorder too.... and love how mental I feel when I wait for the doctor....

Lisa said...

awwwww, Poor Deb (((((HUGS HUGS))))

Madelene is a saint if Toys"R"Us doesn't make her a crazy person too. Frankly that place is of the devil. I literally say a prayer of thanks every year that I don't have to go there or the toy section of Walmart. *Shudder*

Hang in there, our commercialized Holiday is almost over...for about a week...till they start in on Valentines

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Down here in Texas, that empty pitcher truly duz represent "tragedy"...

~Deb said...

Wenchy: It's amazing how freaked out I feel sitting there waiting for his 'nod' to walk inside.

Lisa: I'd rather order my stuff online, but unfortunately this year, I was a bit too late. I hate those stores.

Stevo: Any empty pitcher to me means----WITHDRAWAL TIME! An absolute 'no no'!

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Yup...Down here, like fer instance, during Hurricane Rita, The FIRST thing ya do b4 ya batten down da hatches iz check yer beer inventory, whatever ya do AFTER that iz really a moot point..

Grace said...

You know what I have to be anxious about? I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet! Last exam's tomorrow; I plan on running out from there and straight into a shopping mall. Now I just have to come up with ideas... :(

Oswald Croll said...

Why would you even leave ToyRUs, why would anybody do that. When I was a child, my mother used to have to drag me out kicking and crying. Quite the scene. And by "when I was younger", I mean last weekend. And by "mom", I mean friends.

Crassius Maximus said...

MMMM. Beeer.

~Deb said...

Stevo: An endless supply---an endless supply. Never let that go low!

Amazinggrace: Gotta have an "I don't care" attitude, so I'm told. Ugh. Let's go out for a drink!

Os: Hmm... I'm worried about you kiddo!

Crassius: Mmmm... more beer.

Tanisha said...

I need one too. I have to work during this season which is worse. So trust me I see it all. Anyhow, Miss I haven't visited your site in a while, I gave you a shout out on my blog.. It should make you smile at least. Love yous!!

P.S. I will be coming to the Big Rotten Apple in March so be on the look out!!

Bill Jones, Jr said...

I know quite a few people who get overwhelmed at stores like Toys R Us. (I used to work there.) I find a easy way to deal is to limit the visual input. I kind of look at the floor until I get where I'm going. Then I start looking just at what I want.

I find that works most places. In docs offices, I read. I'm actually annoyed when they call, because I never get to finish a damn article. (I also fire doctors who make me wait more than 15 minutes. Never go twice.)

Bhakti said...

Your therapist sounded like mine when I lived in NYC. I think she actually said 5 words to me in the 2 years I went to her (very Freudian, I suspect)!

I enjoy reading your posts. You are a terrific writer! (And I teach fourth grade writing, so you should take that as some kind of compliment!! ;) )

~Deb said...

Tanisha: I know what you mean. Sometimes I don’t get to ~lurk~ at other blogs, but it’s just because it’s been crazy around here and I have been so stressed out! I’ve been such maniac these days- and believe me, it’s not good for Madelene…poor poor girl and what she has to put up with. ~Bitterness—Party of one please~ … I swear.
Thank you for saying such a nice thing about me! Hmmm…….am I finally convincing you my dear? *hehe* Let me know when you’re in the big apple. Umm…good luck with that- you do know the MTA is on strike, right? Love you girl!

Sable: I try to look down, and then I end up bumping into that wacko on the cell phone. I just get that overwhelming feeling of, “I GOTTA GET OUTA’ HERE MAN” type of urge. It’s awful.

Bhakti: My therapist sits there and just stares at me. I think he finds me an interesting specimen, but he looks at me more in a scientific way. Hmm.
So you think my writing is on a fourth grade level? Hehehe! Seriously—I appreciate your compliment!

Mike said...


green said...

Next year you'll remember to shop earlier and online! Paying the price for postage/shipping is worth the stress relief. Plus you can do it 24/7. Bonus in my book.

Jillian said...

Online shopping is the way to go! I'm so glad my kids are older I always hated going into Toy R US. It was pure hell. Have a beer for me!
Come over to my blog and check out my new grandpuppy, he will cheer ya up!

Hugs to ya!

Genna said...


I am typically a Christmas Eve shopper. I DO WELL UNDER PRESSURE!! :0)

This year I decided to be organized and shop early. I, too, ran into the crazed people. All these years, I thought that the crazed people only came out for Christmas Eve procrastinators. I had no idea they shopped ALL MONTH LONG!!!

So I took a different approach--I decided to "humble" people by being OVERLY polite and Christmasy. It is funny to see how MORE mad people get when you hum to yourself and smile... It is more fun than people watching...

Hope things go better for you... :)

Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars! said...

Have you tried masturbation?

Who knows? Could save you a bundle on therapy bills. But then again, they have your picture up in the lobby of the Duracell building...

~Deb said...

Mike: Thanks! Needed that.

Green: I also did some online shopping, and UPS kept sending back my packages…twice! Now I have to pick up it up at the UPS customer center.

Jill: Those big chain stores always give me anxiety. I’ll have two beers for ya! Thanks!

Genna: And I’m one of those people. I can’t STAND happy people! Argh! *hehe* Do that in Toys “R” Us with a mother of five kids, and you’ll need an ambulance asap!

Tom: When you have a great lover like I do—that’s really not necessary, but thanks for the suggestion! I may be one obsessed neurotic psychopath, but sex isn’t an issue. You should know that, having similar background roots like I do... ;) You're practically 'family'!

DZER said...

that's crazy!


Bhakti said...

Yes, according to the No Child Left Behind Act, you are right on track and can look forward to a thriving writing career on a 5th grade level by next year. Good job! (If I was there I'd give ya a gold star sticker!) ;)

No...silly. You're writing is great! It's very colorful, funny, witty, and entertaining!

Thanks for visiting my site!

Wenchy said...

I don't do crowds. Not good at that at all and as far as possible avoid 'em. Is either that or kill someone with a random object of destruction.

Danielle said...

get a drink for me!!! i totally need one! morning deb!

~Deb said...

Dzer: Indeed it is.

Bhakti: What about those scratch and sniff stickers? I want those! No gold stars! *hehe
Thank you very much for the nice compliment—your site is great by the way!

Wenchy: Hey! You getting violent on me now? You’re starting to sound like a NeW YaWka ova’ dare’!!!

Danielle: If everyone tells me, “Have a drink for me.” It’ll be a typical morning in ‘Deb’s household’. Sure I’ll have one for ya! ;) Good morning to you too!

Leesa said...

I believe it was Plato who said, "He was a wise man who invented beer."

SignGurl said...

Deb~decompress like I did. Just relax and let whatever be, be. A little vodka has helped me to do this and maybe could help you.

Leesa said...

~Deb: Merry Christmas, my friend. I will be out of the blogging world until the new year. I just wanted to wave on my way out.

Posted a story or two - most of them are a little forced. But I did write about a kiss.

Bhakti said...

I want a picture of Leesa for Christmas.

Bhakti said...

Thaks for visiting my site, Leesa...my Christmas wish came true!! ;)

Michelle said...


When I go out shopping, which is my favorite thing to do, I may even enjoy it more than sex. That is SO wrong on so many levels, I want to b**tch slap those ranting and raving kids. Or is it that I want to do that to their parents?

Why must I be subjected to their high pitched cries and screams, take the little bugs home!

I love kids, although it may not seem that way, but it is so inconsiderate to those of us that just want to cruise the mall to relieve our anxiety. I often go home and pop a xanax.

Yeah, Happy Holidays!