Friday, December 02, 2005

The Epitome of Mental Illness

Don’t even try to pick a bone with me. I fell. It was hard to maintain a long period of time without my alcohol. Am I frustrated? Yeah, somewhat. I’m kind of relieved in a way, due to my persistent ‘look out’ of not falling off the little red wagon.

“Hmm. I can’t go there, because that’ll tempt me to have a glass of wine. Hmm. I can’t go there either, because they all throw back a few beers when they hang out.”

My favorite time of the day is around 3pm. I’m done working. I usually have a light lunch around this time, and enjoy a glass of red wine. It calms me down, and I destress automatically. While I was on this ‘no drinking rule’, I would make myself some green tea and try to relax. Somehow it didn’t do the trick. Not only because it wasn’t wine, it’s due to the fact that green tea has caffeine in it.

More caffeine and less alcohol--I wasn’t pleasant to deal with. My mind is constantly going. Thoughts of ‘what ifs’ ran through my brain more than ever. Back in the day, I mean hundreds of years ago, they used caffeine in order to think more clearly.

Oh let me tell you—I thought clearly, and I drove myself insane of thoughts---but I’m not quite sure if they were all rational. I found myself working late at night, and then trying to go to sleep. Ha! Not happening, Deb. I would be lying down in bed, and my eyes were wide open. My brain was working overtime. I was over analyzing every single little detail of the day, and dissecting every word that came out of anyone’s mouth.

“Did she mean this? Did she mean that?”

Then the OCD kicks in.

“Did I leave the stove on? Did I lock the doors? Did I lock the sliding glass doors? Damn it—let me go check again!”

I try to sleep again. I can now hear my heart. Why is it beating so fast? Do I have some sort of heart disease? Am I sick? Why is it pounding in my ear? Am I having a heart attack? Then those thoughts bring me to---well what if I did die tonight—would everyone know that I love them? Would people I didn’t care for, think I liked them? What would my funeral be like? I hope people don’t mope around near my casket wearing black and telling each other what a talented girl she was, such a shame. If I heard that while lying there, I would force my soul back into my body, sit right up and say, “If I was so talented, don’t you think I would have been somewhere by now???” Then drop back to my mortician’s previous positioned pose.

I know, morbid thoughts, but that’s what goes through my mind. I then came to the conclusion, that it’s ‘okay’ if I want a drink. Life is so short. I’ve been off the wagon since last week, and I have managed to still lose weight. I did this once before, dieting while still enjoying a glass of wine or two. I’m happy to say that I have lost eight pounds since this ‘dieting race’ that Madelene and I have been on. I’m still winning the race, but that witch is still thinner than me!

Hmm.

I do apologize that my thoughts are all over the place today. I woke up late, because Madelene and I went out last night. I had a bit of anxiety and needed to go out and have a few cocktails. We had a blast and stayed till closing time. I experienced my first hangover in a very long time. Now I’m dosing it up with coffee, which is making me think way too much, and of course, ramble on about everything—and anything. So you’ll have to excuse me for the randomness

My head spins with financial concerns, while my credit card keeps getting swiped by big businesses. My gym membership just sunk me $400 in the hole. Editing fees, $200 in the hole. Chiropractor fees--$100 in the hole for the month. Christmas shopping-----zero. I haven’t gone yet. I’m one of those last minute shoppers. I’m scared to go out there in those wild malls full of angry people mashing into one another trying to get to the ‘buy one get the whole fricken rack free’ sale.

I hate it this time of year, when people start off with, “Oh did you get all your shopping done? “ What is it with this question? What if I am one of those people who don’t get anything for anyone? I absolutely can’t stand that presumptuous question. It’s as if to test if you’re a good person or a bad egg. Hmm, is she a generous soul? What the hell do you care? You’ll get whatever I give—and like it. If you return it, good luck with that! Enjoy walking through that awful mall with the rest of the greedy people returning their gifts. A gift is a gift. You don’t return it. If you don’t like it, you smile, and say “Thank you.” Then you re-gift it. Yes. I said it. You may re-gift---if two years have slipped by. That’s my rule of thumb.

The more I write, the more I am sound much like the Grinch. I’m more crankier lately, and I’m like an old bat---anything that bugs me, I will lash out without even thinking first.

Time and time again, I have told my dear friend “LP”---“No more forwards!” She laughed, and said, “Well okay.” Then she would throw me a forward saying, “Well this one you’re going to like.”

"No.
No more forwards!"

“Oh but this one is relative to what we were speaking of.”
“No, next time you send me a forward---which means---not only is it addressed to me, but it has twenty other people on it---I will ‘reply to all’, and take a toll of how many of your recipients enjoy reading your forwards, and how many delete your forwards.”
“Fine. I’ll take you off my list.”
She says, laughing at me.

Well what do you know? A month later, a forward was ‘slipped’ into my email account. This was a beauty. It was a ‘door knocker’. This lovely door knocker was of a man, with balls as big as bean bags. It was made of cement of some sort. (Those were the knockers) Then it said, “One way to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses.” Well, not necessarily, it’s a good way to get rid of your lesbian friends, LP! (Which she happens to be gay as well)

What does Deb do? I hit, “reply all.” She doesn’t think I’m serious, does she? I start laughing as I am typing away.

"L darling,

You sure this is only to keep Jehova Witnesses away? Now, as I promised, I have replied 'to all'... (sorry folks)
But by a show of emails directed 'to my address'-- how many of you REALLY enjoy getting these forwards?

Be honest.

Happy Holidays!

P.S. L sweetie---take me off the damn spam list now!"


Well, apparently, one of her friends got highly upset over this and lashed out with a very mean email back to me. She stated how upset she was over the fact that I ‘replied to all’ and that I needed some growing up to do. LP didn’t inform her about my threat. I basically told this woman, that if she enjoys forwarded mails to her email account, then that’s fine. The fact remains, I did promise LP that I would ‘reply all’ if this didn’t stop, and will continue to do so. If they thought this email was bad, wait until the next forward comes my way. I basically said a lot of things in jest to this one upset woman in L’s address list, which she didn’t take too lightly.

Well, L was really taken aback by this all, and asked if I would apologize to her friend.

I sent the big ‘apology letter’ out there:

"Good afternoon,

I just wanted to throw you yet, another email. I wanted to apologize for upsetting you---(if I have.) I sometimes, well hell, most of the time come off as 'crass' through text. I joke around a lot, and sometimes I don't realize that there are people who aren't going to 'get me'. I'm sorry that I emailed you, and said some things in jest. I re-read what I wrote, and it did sound rude- and it didn't sound too jokingly. I should think twice before hitting send----or 'reply all'...for that matter.

I joke around with L all the time. She sends me a billion forwards... (love her to death though!!!) But I said, "L, one more forward, and I will hit 'reply all'..." And I said that laughing to her, thinking, ~this should solve the mass spam~ in my inbox.

So when she forwarded that last one- which I happened to think was funny... I came through with my promise.

I'm an ass, I realize this. I'm imature, I will always be imature, it's in my blood. Mentally ill? Possibly. As I write this email in the psyche ward, I realize that my medication is due.

Anyway, again, I am so sorry to email you another time, but I really wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry. L is a great friend of mine, and I wasn't planning on hurting her feelings, nor yours.

For what it's worth, I hope that you can forgive me. I will no longer send you emails or 'reply to all' any further.

Thanks for reading my apology email, and I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Warmest regards,
Debbie"

Am I losing it? Maybe. Have a lost it? Most likely. As my friends get to know me, they realize that I am a brutally honest person. I will tell you how I feel, ‘when I feel it’. I joke around all the time and when I get upset or angry over something—I turn it into a joke as well. This—wasn’t even an ‘angry email of mine’. It was something I planned on doing to L, ever since her 100th forward to me. I love her dearly, she is such a great person with a warm heart, but I’d rather hear from her, than have a forward tossed to me occasionally.

Now that the caffeine is kicking in big time, I even have more things to rant about. Are you still with me? Did I lose you yet?

I’ll stop now while I’m ahead. I hope that my apology letter has calmed down some unsettled souls this afternoon.

I need a drink.