Friday, December 02, 2005

The Epitome of Mental Illness

Don’t even try to pick a bone with me. I fell. It was hard to maintain a long period of time without my alcohol. Am I frustrated? Yeah, somewhat. I’m kind of relieved in a way, due to my persistent ‘look out’ of not falling off the little red wagon.

“Hmm. I can’t go there, because that’ll tempt me to have a glass of wine. Hmm. I can’t go there either, because they all throw back a few beers when they hang out.”

My favorite time of the day is around 3pm. I’m done working. I usually have a light lunch around this time, and enjoy a glass of red wine. It calms me down, and I destress automatically. While I was on this ‘no drinking rule’, I would make myself some green tea and try to relax. Somehow it didn’t do the trick. Not only because it wasn’t wine, it’s due to the fact that green tea has caffeine in it.

More caffeine and less alcohol--I wasn’t pleasant to deal with. My mind is constantly going. Thoughts of ‘what ifs’ ran through my brain more than ever. Back in the day, I mean hundreds of years ago, they used caffeine in order to think more clearly.

Oh let me tell you—I thought clearly, and I drove myself insane of thoughts---but I’m not quite sure if they were all rational. I found myself working late at night, and then trying to go to sleep. Ha! Not happening, Deb. I would be lying down in bed, and my eyes were wide open. My brain was working overtime. I was over analyzing every single little detail of the day, and dissecting every word that came out of anyone’s mouth.

“Did she mean this? Did she mean that?”

Then the OCD kicks in.

“Did I leave the stove on? Did I lock the doors? Did I lock the sliding glass doors? Damn it—let me go check again!”

I try to sleep again. I can now hear my heart. Why is it beating so fast? Do I have some sort of heart disease? Am I sick? Why is it pounding in my ear? Am I having a heart attack? Then those thoughts bring me to---well what if I did die tonight—would everyone know that I love them? Would people I didn’t care for, think I liked them? What would my funeral be like? I hope people don’t mope around near my casket wearing black and telling each other what a talented girl she was, such a shame. If I heard that while lying there, I would force my soul back into my body, sit right up and say, “If I was so talented, don’t you think I would have been somewhere by now???” Then drop back to my mortician’s previous positioned pose.

I know, morbid thoughts, but that’s what goes through my mind. I then came to the conclusion, that it’s ‘okay’ if I want a drink. Life is so short. I’ve been off the wagon since last week, and I have managed to still lose weight. I did this once before, dieting while still enjoying a glass of wine or two. I’m happy to say that I have lost eight pounds since this ‘dieting race’ that Madelene and I have been on. I’m still winning the race, but that witch is still thinner than me!


I do apologize that my thoughts are all over the place today. I woke up late, because Madelene and I went out last night. I had a bit of anxiety and needed to go out and have a few cocktails. We had a blast and stayed till closing time. I experienced my first hangover in a very long time. Now I’m dosing it up with coffee, which is making me think way too much, and of course, ramble on about everything—and anything. So you’ll have to excuse me for the randomness

My head spins with financial concerns, while my credit card keeps getting swiped by big businesses. My gym membership just sunk me $400 in the hole. Editing fees, $200 in the hole. Chiropractor fees--$100 in the hole for the month. Christmas shopping-----zero. I haven’t gone yet. I’m one of those last minute shoppers. I’m scared to go out there in those wild malls full of angry people mashing into one another trying to get to the ‘buy one get the whole fricken rack free’ sale.

I hate it this time of year, when people start off with, “Oh did you get all your shopping done? “ What is it with this question? What if I am one of those people who don’t get anything for anyone? I absolutely can’t stand that presumptuous question. It’s as if to test if you’re a good person or a bad egg. Hmm, is she a generous soul? What the hell do you care? You’ll get whatever I give—and like it. If you return it, good luck with that! Enjoy walking through that awful mall with the rest of the greedy people returning their gifts. A gift is a gift. You don’t return it. If you don’t like it, you smile, and say “Thank you.” Then you re-gift it. Yes. I said it. You may re-gift---if two years have slipped by. That’s my rule of thumb.

The more I write, the more I am sound much like the Grinch. I’m more crankier lately, and I’m like an old bat---anything that bugs me, I will lash out without even thinking first.

Time and time again, I have told my dear friend “LP”---“No more forwards!” She laughed, and said, “Well okay.” Then she would throw me a forward saying, “Well this one you’re going to like.”

No more forwards!"

“Oh but this one is relative to what we were speaking of.”
“No, next time you send me a forward---which means---not only is it addressed to me, but it has twenty other people on it---I will ‘reply to all’, and take a toll of how many of your recipients enjoy reading your forwards, and how many delete your forwards.”
“Fine. I’ll take you off my list.”
She says, laughing at me.

Well what do you know? A month later, a forward was ‘slipped’ into my email account. This was a beauty. It was a ‘door knocker’. This lovely door knocker was of a man, with balls as big as bean bags. It was made of cement of some sort. (Those were the knockers) Then it said, “One way to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses.” Well, not necessarily, it’s a good way to get rid of your lesbian friends, LP! (Which she happens to be gay as well)

What does Deb do? I hit, “reply all.” She doesn’t think I’m serious, does she? I start laughing as I am typing away.

"L darling,

You sure this is only to keep Jehova Witnesses away? Now, as I promised, I have replied 'to all'... (sorry folks)
But by a show of emails directed 'to my address'-- how many of you REALLY enjoy getting these forwards?

Be honest.

Happy Holidays!

P.S. L sweetie---take me off the damn spam list now!"

Well, apparently, one of her friends got highly upset over this and lashed out with a very mean email back to me. She stated how upset she was over the fact that I ‘replied to all’ and that I needed some growing up to do. LP didn’t inform her about my threat. I basically told this woman, that if she enjoys forwarded mails to her email account, then that’s fine. The fact remains, I did promise LP that I would ‘reply all’ if this didn’t stop, and will continue to do so. If they thought this email was bad, wait until the next forward comes my way. I basically said a lot of things in jest to this one upset woman in L’s address list, which she didn’t take too lightly.

Well, L was really taken aback by this all, and asked if I would apologize to her friend.

I sent the big ‘apology letter’ out there:

"Good afternoon,

I just wanted to throw you yet, another email. I wanted to apologize for upsetting you---(if I have.) I sometimes, well hell, most of the time come off as 'crass' through text. I joke around a lot, and sometimes I don't realize that there are people who aren't going to 'get me'. I'm sorry that I emailed you, and said some things in jest. I re-read what I wrote, and it did sound rude- and it didn't sound too jokingly. I should think twice before hitting send----or 'reply all'...for that matter.

I joke around with L all the time. She sends me a billion forwards... (love her to death though!!!) But I said, "L, one more forward, and I will hit 'reply all'..." And I said that laughing to her, thinking, ~this should solve the mass spam~ in my inbox.

So when she forwarded that last one- which I happened to think was funny... I came through with my promise.

I'm an ass, I realize this. I'm imature, I will always be imature, it's in my blood. Mentally ill? Possibly. As I write this email in the psyche ward, I realize that my medication is due.

Anyway, again, I am so sorry to email you another time, but I really wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry. L is a great friend of mine, and I wasn't planning on hurting her feelings, nor yours.

For what it's worth, I hope that you can forgive me. I will no longer send you emails or 'reply to all' any further.

Thanks for reading my apology email, and I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Warmest regards,

Am I losing it? Maybe. Have a lost it? Most likely. As my friends get to know me, they realize that I am a brutally honest person. I will tell you how I feel, ‘when I feel it’. I joke around all the time and when I get upset or angry over something—I turn it into a joke as well. This—wasn’t even an ‘angry email of mine’. It was something I planned on doing to L, ever since her 100th forward to me. I love her dearly, she is such a great person with a warm heart, but I’d rather hear from her, than have a forward tossed to me occasionally.

Now that the caffeine is kicking in big time, I even have more things to rant about. Are you still with me? Did I lose you yet?

I’ll stop now while I’m ahead. I hope that my apology letter has calmed down some unsettled souls this afternoon.

I need a drink.


kathi said...

So, deb, how are ya? Kinda glad I haven't sent you a forward, lol. I usually don't send any, a few now and then I guess. In fact, I usually delete them unless they're from a couple of people I know only send something they know I'd like, and I usually do. Still with me here? LOL. Did L say if she got any replies from others saying 'yeah, sign me up for the 'no spam' list'??
I love you. You're honest and funny and you like me. That's always a plus!
p.s. ~ I drink a tea called Tension Tamer from Celestial, it's good. Helps. Of course, I always use two tea bags per cup. Yeah, I always over do everything.

Leesa said...

Tension Tamer from Celestial, kathi?

Does it have any prozac in it? Actually I love tea - I need to see what kind we have in the office right now.

Net's word said...

Hi Deb,

You say it all so well!!! I hate those forwards too as it happens and I delete most of them.

I admire your honesty - you inspire me to be true to myself too. It is great to get the (mostly) unedited thoughts of a friend - which I consider you to be.

As for the Christmas madness - I will blog my thoughts on that topic too. I just don't want to get caught up in the crazy madness - it can be such a struggle to swim against the flow though.

Then there is 'falling' off the wagon - all our 'good intentions' down the drain - pun intended - ha.
Have patience with ourselves - God isn't finished with us yet! It's all part of the journey -

If it wasn't for hangovers I hate to think where I would have ended up - OUCH!

I've missed your visits but haven't missed reading your posts.

Congrat's on your latest baby off to the publisher. You do Rock!!!!!!!

Love to you from me.

MEP said...

Hi there - I am visitng to check out my competition from Steph's showdown post. :)

Actually, I will probably be back. I love liberal-Christian type blogs. So, hello!

MEP said...

Although . . . I just noticed that you might be a Republican.

J/k, that doesn't matter.

~Deb said...

Kathi: I understand that people send forwards to share the laughter, but sometimes I feel bad, because if I haven’t heard from one of my good friends in a long time---then I get this email that is directed to the whole entire world---it makes me feel ‘less special’. Something I should really bring up in therapy, huh? I just hate forwards, and yes, I used to be guilty of sending them, but I also followed along with a nice personal email afterwards. Big difference. I tried those ‘relaxation teas’, but they seemed to have this awful herbal taste about them. I often wonder what type of herb they were chuckin’ in there. Hmm.

Leesa: I need the prozac tea BAD… Believe me. Bring it.

Net: It’s just God awful to walk through the crowded malls. I can’t do it anymore. I have no patience for it whatsoever. I just got home from lunch. I went out with my sister and her boyfriend along with my mom, and we relieved all of our hangovers with bloody marys. It was such a nice treat! It started snowing really hard here, and it made the whole place look so beautiful. I’m glad to say, I am officially OFF the wagon!
As far as visiting your blog, I have been there, I always read what you write. Always.

Mep: Would it make you turn away from my blog to tell you that I’m not a liberal? That most of my political thinking leans right? I hope that doesn’t affect you coming back here. I am open-minded, and somewhat of a ‘moderate’ in the political arena. Steph has a showdown post? Are we talking about the same ‘Steph’?

~Deb said...

Mep: I just read what you wrote, haahhaa !!!! More of a moderate... Hope that doesn't turn your head though. I'm very open-minded, like I said.

Anonymous said...

I was desperately looking a for a forward I could post on this blog of yours, but luckily for all you in cyber space I could not find one today. Imagine that. An inbox void of mail, be it forwards, spam or a letter from a good friend. How sad is this. Regardless to whether or not I delete the majority of my forwards, I do read some and find some funny -- it is only those I choose to share. And my dearest friend DEB knows that I do my best not to send her any. I am quite surprised that a dumb forward isn't a relief because generally my emails are long winded and require much attention. On days like today when your mind is scattered across the country focusing doesn't sound like a pleasant option.

Prayer time, usually helps when tea, alcohol, sleeping aids or anything else doesn't work. Unless of course you start to argue and debate with God, which occasionally happens to me. I'll be steady praying and the next thing I know I am conversating then thinking to myself, then I loose track completely only to wind up thinking of something else 15 minutes later.

I hope this day has somewhat pulled together for you. The weekends beginning, the snow is could be real sweet

ciao bella

green said...

Cure for Christmas crowds at shopping malls & other stores.

Shop online, from home, anytime. True it IS a bit anti-social, but if you hate crowded stores like I do, then it's the only way to go...

Mike said...

I'm not big on forwards either...and I can see myself doing just what you

SignGurl said...

Smile Deb, everything will be ok!

Steph aka Attention Whore had a popularity poll of sorts. You are in the running for the best written blog. Yes, I voted for you!

Michelle said...


I couldn't agree with you more on the "forwards". I detest getting them. Somehow I alway do. But I had to laugh when I read the doorknocker one you wrote's kinda funny..heehee.
And don't go so long without alcohol, it makes the next day three times as bad! :)

:phil: said...

A Public Service Announcement:
Are you one of those people who fall into the category of Forwarder from Hell? Maybe this 12 step program is for you.

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I don't forward an e-mail with a warning on it.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, and Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to over 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, from freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a popup window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did collect when he was 7 years old, he's now cancer-free and 35, and he and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) which, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or other program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT give 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He gets online on a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and forward to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.

dsmars said...

I gave my brother my email address, and he never wrote me any emails. All he ever did was send me forwards. As a strict rule I NEVER open forwarded email. I told him that several times, and he just wouldn't listen. Eventually a virus crashed his computer and I wasn't bothered anymore.

On a similar note I got on a mailing list for an alt-country band. They didn't know how to use the BCC function of their email. I tried to send them a couple of nice letters explaining that I didn't appreciate having my email address broadcast to everyone on their list, but to no avail. finally, I sent out a REPLY ALL. I got one email back from another person on their list who thanked me because it needed to be said. I got another email from someone who didn't understand why I sent her the email when my problem was with the person running the list. After that the band started using BCC.

As for the drinking, if you can function and drink, that's okay. Personally, I make very bad decisions that affect me and others around me when I drink, so I don't do it. I'm too old to be irresponsible like that anymore. The smell of whiskey really drives me crazy, but my will is stronger than my desire. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

kathi said...

leesa ~ too funny, no, no prozac in the tea. I keep them in my med cabinet with a 2 a day script.

gigi said...

Hmm, I wouldn't have sent that apolgy letter.

You asked L, you warned her, it was up to L to apologize to you for sending the forward then to the crazy lady who got upset. That's my 2 cents.

Do you sometimes feel like all you ever do is apologize?
Happened to me today, someone slighted me then handed me a half a$$ed apology. I wound up saying I was sorry for causing HER/HIM to slight me! Whaa?

Grace said...

I feel the same way about forwards... I hate them, I tell my friends/family that I hate them, and yet I always continue to get them. DELETE!!! (that's my solution)
You're honesty is incredible. You're such a great person... I see me getting along so great with you if we lived closer to each other.

P.S. Congrats on the weight loss. I'm working on losing some pounds too, but I'm not doing so good. Great work!

KyuBall said...

While most of the comments are targeting the "email forwarding" plague. I'd like to take on a different topic...the "Oh did you get all your shopping done? comment that you hear WAY too much this time of year.

Why do people ask this stupid question? Two reasons:

A) Because they're usually feeling guilty. They haven't gotten anything for anyone else and they're looking for someone else to wallow in their self-pity and procrastination.

B) Because they are OCD and love to rub in the fact that they finished their shopping in March.

~Deb said...

I'm going to direct this to my anonymous commenter "LP"...the forward queen.

LP: I love you sweetie, you know this. You really think I'd rather a cheesy forward than to have one of your long-winded emails? I love your novels! It means you took the time out to write to me.

Ah, the good ol' days, wasn't it nice when we used to actually type words in our emails? We used to have such loving debates over religion and politics? Those were the days. I miss that!

I'm sure when you come up to visit me (is that this week?) that you will have lots to say---and kick my arse all over the place for 'replying to all'.

I warned you. You didn't listen.

Did you read what Gigi wrote??? Did you read what my blogger buddies say about forwards?


LP-----LOVE YOU! Hate your forwards!

It's almost like, God loves the sinner, but hates the sin. ha! I always go back to the controversial religious topics. Did I just compare myself to GOD???? Lightening is definitely gonna strike any minute now.

I'm going to sleep now before I actually make this comment board into a blog.

Love you LP!!!

barman said...

I personally do not like the forwards either, especially when you need to open 20 attachments to get to them. Generally I read most of them unless I am to busy and then delete them. I hate being the person that helps perpetuate spam.

Occasionally I find something to funny and I do pass it along to a few select people but usually I send it as BCC so no one knows I did not send it just to them. Besides, the people I know is a unique group. No one else out there knows the exact same group. Why should I push my friends on them or expose my friends to them?

The real exception is those stupid warning emails or "forwarding this will be tracked and you will get something for it" that you get. I often times look those up and prove them to be urban legend and then I forward that on "TO EVERYONE." For some reason these types of spam truely bother me and I like to try and kill them. The spam that is, not the person.

~Deb said...

Barman: Those forwards that tell you that each one will be tracked and you'll get money for it---it's all a business to get your email address for business listings-----more addys to spam spam spam!

It's pure madness.

Bill Jones, Jr said...

I know the people who send me forwards, and I've programmed my email to automatically delete them. I hope they never email me to tell me someone died.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I know most people won't be reading this now, but all I can say is this. It has nothing to do with the forwards. I read what Gigi wrote and if I was an ass would have something nasty to say, as she doesn't see the whole picture. Some people love forwards some hate them. You replied to all, no big deal, it was the responding to someone who didn't even write you that was the issue. The comment should have been directed at me, as I was the one to let you know that some of my friends MISTOOK your personality, and thought you were putting me down. What you didn't include in your blog was the rest of the emails sent back and forth, from you and my friend, (which I did read, and they weren't so nice).

The apology letter wasn't for the forward it was for the comments made in the emails. So as long as we are straight on that, there is no problem or issues.

~Deb said...

Dear Anonymouse (LP)

No one likes fowards. I did a poll, and it showed 100% do not like receiving forwards.

Gigi made a statement that dealt with me---as far as 'warning you' that I would "reply to all". I told you- if you sent me another forward, that I would "reply to all". That was the consequence you allowed.

First of all, you "chose" to send me a nasty email from your friend.


I did not write "ANYTHING" mean in my 'reply to all'----all I said was, "How many of you like receiving these forwards?"

I asked a question.

Move on. Go 'forward'...and stop dwelling on this. Old post; old issue.

Thanks for your comment.