Thursday, September 29, 2005

My 100th Post

What a rambler I am; simply talking about my life. Why would anyone even care? Did you ever hear someone say, “Oh she told me her entire life story?” Maybe it’s because I don’t talk much about what really bothers me. I don’t even tell my psychiatrist half the sh*t I tell the blogger world. Interesting, huh? Maybe it’s because I get more feedback from posting than I do with telling Lurch. (My psychiatrist) Now, if someone who is a reader of my blog can prescribe me my meds, I’ll leave Lurch and stick to this.

No one knows me. They think they know me. They don’t. I’m the loudmouth lipstick lesbian who gets into controversial political and religious conversations just to get a rise out of people. I’m the girl every bartender in town knows.

“Where’s Deb tonight? She always sits right in this seat.”

I have my own assigned seat in over five local bars. I have my own assigned seat in Provincetown, MA in another five. All the bartenders know me there too. Why? I’m the big flirt. I’m flirtatious with any gender, because it’s my nature. Madelene knows that my personality has a flirtatious flare to it, yet innocently done with respect. Do some people get the wrong idea? Sure they do. Straight people don’t know how to handle me, except to blush; however, I don’t do this with just anyone—I have to genuinely like them as a person. I don’t do things with an agenda. If I don’t like someone, I will become invisible to them.

Who cares if I like them? What does it matter anyway? Does it validate some sort of insecurity for anyone? For me? Maybe I’m the way I am, due to my own insecurities. My ways are unique; they’re unpredictable. Is it bi-polar related? Hopefully. Then I can have a reason for my madness. Madelene insists that I always keep her on her toes. I can’t see the fun of being on your toes all the time. It must hurt at some point. I don’t mean to keep people on their toes—I keep myself on my toes more than people realize.

Then who am I—other than who I claim to be? I’m the insecure girl who doesn’t go out sometimes, because she feels too ugly. I’m the shy girl that doesn’t speak up, because I’m not an intellectual, as I make myself out to be with mere rhetoric words and opinions that clash with others. It’s like a man who has to compensate all his shortcomings with a Ferrari. I’m that “man”. I’m the sensitive soul who gets way too offended over simple critiques and suggestions—when all along, everyone thought I was strong enough to handle them. I’m the artist that can’t take criticism; therefore, I’m not a ‘real artist’…I'm simply a walking contradiction. I’m the girl who can get over a break up easily. I can actually forget about her instantly. Thoughts of her remain in the past. I lie too... I can pretend to not even care; to simply rule out any emotion that may slip from my tongue. Eventually, those hidden feelings reveal itself in an inappropriate way. I mess up. I’m not perfect. I’m the type that needs closure. What is closure anyway? Is it shutting the door to your past, or is it simply having the past linger before your very eyes? I’m the girl who can’t let go. I hold on to things for too long. I torture myself with obsessive thought patterns that drive me into a hole of depression. Forgive and forget. I can always forgive—the forgetting part I’m having an issue with. The dead horse has been beaten up several times. I can’t stop.

I carry on conversations that may upset my partner. I should shut up, and just tell my psychiatrist, but I’m afraid he doesn’t care. I feel inadequate because my partner does so much for me. Madelene is too good to me—maybe too good for me. I don’t feel I deserve her. I’m the luckiest girl alive. I try to make her happy, like buying her a card full of love sentiments, getting her favorite bottle of vodka which sits way too high on the shelf, or just simply getting the clothes from the dry cleaners. The littlest things make Madelene happy. She makes me happy.

I’m the daughter that hides things from my mother—who already knows about ‘it’. I’m the sister that appears to be the comic relief in the family, when actually I’m the one who’s depressed. I’m the "funny lesbian sister" that drinks way too much, but doesn’t appear to be drunk. She doesn’t even appear to be a lesbian! She can hold her liquor. I’m the one who drinks a lot because I get too many anxiety attacks. It relieves me of my fears. That’s why I have two wooden legs. I’m the sister who’s unreliable, because I’ll break plans or babysitting duties, due to an unpredictable anxiety attack or bad period cramps. I have the best sisters in the world, because they already know ‘why’ I am the way I am. They love and accept me. They expect these things. I’m lucky that they’re so understanding.

My words can be fatal sometimes; killing you emotionally, with each verbal attack. I don’t mean it. I can blame it on PMS, I can blame it because something bad happened that day…The truth is, it’s my own insecurities that are hiding behind those vicious words. My words can be sweet, gentle, and loving. I can tell you something that will make your whole day. Those words are sincere. I can’t lie about positive words that I give generously, ~to those who deserve them~. I never miss an opportunity to compliment someone; they just may need to hear it that day. I try to be good, but sometimes, I can’t. I’m human. I love God, but I’m afraid that He’s angry at me. Doesn’t He know I come with imperfections? Didn’t He create me? Didn’t He create you?

Which brings me to one of my favorite scriptures:

Romans 7:14-25 “The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is; In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.”

My flaws are ‘as is’. It comes with the package. I’m not perfect, so I’m going to accept myself the way I am.

18 comments:

Tara-raboomdeay said...

POP! POP!
Champagne bottles are being opened in honor of your 100th post. (and your 2 wooden legs - heehee)Congratulations!!

Thanks for the startling news that you're not perfect. You're perfect enough, Country Mouse.

"Nobody knows me"...
Hmmm..here's a newsflash for you. Some people know you better than you think.

Keep up your GREAT writing! It's one way to find the answers...

City Mouse

HS said...

I understand the trials and tribulations of trying to 'love yourself' and then finally being able to say "ack, screw it, I'm me and thats all there is to it". Even easygoing fun crazy girls have their insecurities...we just hide them damn well.

I must say, this was an amazing post for your 100th post! thank you for the word therapy :)

Nettie said...

It's incredible how we all write about our own lives, yet our blogging buddies really do care about them. And I know I'm not just speaking for myself on that. Congrats on your 100!

kathi said...

Dear sweet deb ~ you forgot a few 'girls'.
You forgot 'Talented' ~ I've seen your pictures and I read your words daily. Don't forget 'Talented'.
You forgot 'Loving' ~ I've only been your friend for a short while, and I'm in awe of how caring, sweet and loving your nature is. Don't forget 'Loving'.
You forgot 'Brave'. Read your own post. You opened yourself up to a microscopic view to the entire world wide web. I've never done that, I always end up taking the humorous route to keep from looking too close. Don't forget 'Brave'.
And, above all, 'Amazing'. Trust me, trust all of us...you are AMAZING.
Happy 100th.

Romeo Jensen said...

now that was impressive... you were able to manage both sides of each arguement and you pulled it off spectaculalyry

the apostle paul fought many demons... evidently he has some ailment that he prayed andprayed God to remove... God didn't remove it... all for His greater glory... and because of that Paul was able to assure us that All things weork together for Good... our Good... our friends good... strangers who read this blog's good... All things... God has a hand in it all... even Deb's insecurities... even the one's she's not brave enough to tell us about... yet... and paul also told us... be not anxious... Deb... be not anxious... just take your problems and worries to the Lord and find the peace and of His love that passes Alllllll... our earthly understanding

I'm passing the plate after this sermon and I'm thinkin' cash... Large bills... 20's and up!

Rev Romey

~Deb said...

Tara: Alcohol, now you're talking! I feel like singing, "Thank You for Being a Friend~" (hehe)

Heather: All women have insecurities I guess. I am just getting to that stage where it doesn't matter what others think of me--although to note- not to let oneself go (HA) but to just have more faith in God's judgment.

Nettie: I found out about blogging last July, and yes, it definitely is a form of expression. I find myself tuned into other people's life as though it was a TV show. Amazing how non-celebrities can be so intriguing.

Kathi: Damn it! Almost teared up with that comment! (PMSing too) So don't talk too nicely!!! (Note: another HUGE insecurity) You're very sweet to say such nice things. I appreciate it more than you know.

Oh Rev. Romeo: For thou has sinned. I'm definitely not perfect, and you are so right- I am anxious. A little cocktail and some ativan and I'm on my way to a zen-like state. If you're passing that plate after this sermon, I need a few bucks if you can spare a few twenties.

Thanks guys!

Net's word said...

Happy 100th post - again with more insight that your 'average bear' - I often think that Armageddon is in the mind - the battle takes place personally - I can choose ego me or surrender to the God within. My ego self holds fear - my God self is faith - See saw - back and forth - we are like diamonds, with many facets. Then the hormones - ohmygod - what is up with that?! In my yoga practice we are taught that 'emotion is commotion' - ain't that the truth!! We just want to feel good!!!! -

Through our blog relationship I have come to care about you - and appreciate your honesty, your ability to write about your life - so eloquently - you have a real talent - and I think you are a 'real artist' - a real human being and a great blogging buddy - You make my world so much bigger!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!

Amanda said...

Love your blog. Check mine out at borderbelle.blogspot.com. I'm just tryin' to get started...

Danielle said...

HAPPY 100th gurlie!!! and yes stay as you are!!!!!! have a great weekend gurl!!!

piu piu said...

great post.

LisaBinDaCity said...

Happy 100!!! Very cool!

And Honey, I don't know ANY perfect people. We are all a work in progress, (in my opinion anyhoo.)

Here's to "As Is!" First glass of red is on me!

~Deb said...

Net: The hormones! Whoa! You know me already. I'm a hormonal train wreck...! Yes, I have only known you for a short period of time, but I have learned so much from you too. Thank you for sharing 'your life' with me. :)

Amanda: Damn! For a starter post- that was amazing! (check out her post) For someone who lived in a conservative southern state, to plant themselves in the Big Apple- then to Boston--wow, I think you're one brave cookie!

Danielle: Thank you. I can only hope that people 'blow up my site' like they do to yours. (haha) ""Danielle's site gets over 300 comments or more---leaving her blog to literally disenable. It's too funny. Your fans are obsessed!

Piu: You back yet? Hope you're doing better. :)

LisaB: As I said before, forget the glass of wine-----bring on the bottle! I'm with ya on that one! ;)

Anonymous said...

Well my friend, congratulations on your 100th blog........
You have kept me interested, often times mildly amused, and always made me think.

It seems to me that as much as you think you don't know yourself, you know yourself very well. No shrink can tell you truly what is wrong with you. They can guide you and direct you based ON WHAT YOU tell them. So no matter how you look at it in life, the responsibility ultimately falls on ourselves --self honesty is paramount, and the key to happiness. There is no way around it.

It is when we can accept all our flaws, insecurities, incidents in our lives that are random and out of our control, incidents that we cause, etc etc. that we won't suffer anxiety, we won't stay up endless nights rehearsing lines we want to recite to people given the opportunity, or rehashing things we did to people, or words said out of anger. If we spend more time praying, and focusing on the here and now, we would understand that God always gives us the opportunities we need. We will be given the time to speak what we need to and 9 out of 10 times, it is never in the manner we imagined in our heads while we were rehearsing, or in the place etc etc.

Now, maybe you are insecure and maybe you are not. Maybe that is just how you choose to see yourself. Others see you as you show yourself to them. So, infact they truly know the you they are allowed to see.

What is the 'real' you anyway? I could not answer that of myself. I am ever changing, growing and learning -- thank God, so while the basics of who I am are the same, I am inherently changing day to day.

So continue to be who you are, because to each of your friends, you are simply beautiful. And that is what we see. The rest is unimportant.

~Deb said...

Okay ""anonymous blogger"" GIVE up your identity.

Hmm... Your words are strikingly familiar, yet with a touch of anonymity… You seem to know me a bit too well, but almost enough to make me wonder if you truly are someone I don’t know ‘personally’…

You’re making me think too much here. AND I thank you for the very nice & thought provoking comment. :)

Anonymous said...

the identity is strikingly familiar.
to know you too well?
or is it simply that I pay attention to your words?
Perhaps indeed someone you don't know, yet indeed know

Did I answer your question?

--

ps: beautiful eyes!

~Deb said...

Ah, yes, ....you did e-mail me letting me know your identity,....thank you.

Thank you for complimenting my eyes. I placed that picture in there, because of the topic below. If you look ~into~ my eyes in that photo, there is an actual person there.

Thanks for your comment my dear anonymous friend...

tara said...

enjoyed your 100th post! thank you for your honesty and vulnerability on your blog. you are very in-tune with yourself and that awareness is key to self-acutualization.

Cherry said...

Deb, that was a really good post. And I love that verse from the bible. Can you believe you already wrote you 100th post?

I love the way you talk about Madeline....you can tell how much you love her. :)