Anyone that knows me really well is certainly aware of my quick turn around decisions. They know that if they ask me on Monday to go out to a jazz club on Saturday, they also know that this may change at any given moment. My partner is used to it by now. She makes fun of me, and laughs when she comes home, expecting to go to restaurant A., when in fact, I changed the reservations and made it for restaurant B. I’m glad she’s flexible. I’m not sure why I do this, but I can assure you that during the course of the day, my moods fluctuate. If I’m in a spunky let’s dance kind of mood, I may want to venture off to a lively restaurant, where there’s entertainment and music, and head off to the local club to go dancing. It all depends. If I am in sort of a quiet mood, I love going to a nice tranquil upscale restaurant with a good wine list. It depends.
I’m always asking my partner, “What do you want to do tonight?” See, the thing is, she never wants to do what ‘she’ desires. She basically sacrifices. She always says, “I don’t care, what do you want to do?” I’m sure she has some sort of inkling of what she’d rather be doing, but she isn’t telling me. I hope that she would, because it would be a shame to take her out and having her be unhappy about it. I guess it isn’t too bad, since we have fun wherever we go. Even if the place is empty, we make the party…
My days are filled with indecisive thoughts; random acts of spontaneous moments that have me doing things I never planned on. Some say it’s a flaw in one’s character. I’m not sure about that. I think it definitely has something to do with having many interests—but not enough time to put it all into action.
The funniest thing to do is to watch me order a beverage at a restaurant—before knowing what I want to eat. For instance, I’ll be looking at the menu, and the waiter will come up to us and ask what we would like to drink. I always ask for water first, because if I have chicken, I may just want a beer, or white wine. If I have a pasta dish of some sort, I may want the red wine. If it’s steak that’s tempting me, a nice cabernet would do the trick. So many choices! If I’m craving some Chilean sea bass, I may just want a martini…or two…or three. I order my drinks according to what I like it to go with. Maybe I’m too picky.I’m full of thoughts. My mind is always racing. Even my outfits have to match up to the places I go. If it’s a sport’s bar—I throw on a pair of faded out jeans and a nice top. If it’s a fancy restaurant, dress pants and a nice top and/or blazer with tank top. Depends. If I’m indecisive and go out not knowing where to go—I dress up. You can never go wrong by dressing up a bit too much. You can go anywhere. I would never walk into a fancy restaurant with a pair of jeans. It’s just not how I work.
Piles of clothes toppled over my bed. Different shoes sprawled out on my bedroom carpet. I have nothing to wear! I have no clothes! I scream this out of the closet I’m sitting in. It’s ironic that a lesbian is sitting ‘in’ the closet to begin with. But, these problems strike me minutes before I have to leave the house.
God forbid a pair of pants gets a little snug on me—I feel fat for the ENTIRE evening! If a shirt isn’t buttoning up too well, or as loose as I once wore it—my image of myself is awful. If you don’t feel good about yourself, people will notice that. But if you feel great about how you look, and you’re having a great hair day, people will be more drawn to your positive aura. It’s true. The better you feel about yourself, the better your attitude and mood is—leaving people to believe you’re a friendly and happy person. When you feel like crap, and think you look like crap, your demeanor is different. You’re not smiling as much, because you become shy and withdrawn, making people assume that you’re probably not as friendly, and don’t want to be bothered with socializing. It’s all psychology. (I should know, I’m on the receiving end of it!)
Sometimes it’s just plain ole PMS that strikes. During that time, you don’t even want to ask me what I want to do. I have no idea who I am for the love of God! I’m crampy, cranky, agitated, annoyed, hyper, turned on, turned off, exhausted and in pain. I can’t go out and have a few cocktails because I’m already tanked up with 800 mg of Motrin. I go through such excruciating pain, that I’m not able to even leave the house. Thankfully enough, I work from home, so it’s not that much of a problem. When I used to work in a 9-5 office, I’d have to take off a day or two each month! That’s a lot for a corporate company to be taking off that much. I’m in total hibernation mode when I’m menstruating. Forget about it- don’t call me, don’t come over and don’t ask me if you want to go out. It’s not happening.Pick and finicky like a fricken cat. Everything has to depend on circumstances, moods, and levels of self-esteem for that day. Nothing’s constant and nothing’s written in stone. Things are planned, in hopes they stay that way. Sometimes it’s just pointless to even pass a thought my way, I’ll probably say yes. Give me a few hours though, because it’ll most likely be a different.
My moods are a force to be reckoned with. They change constantly as well. I get very upset very easily, over things that people wouldn’t even assume I’d get upset over. For example, I may be angry at my girlfriend for a particular something that she has no clue about. My mood is off, my demeanor is a bit quiet and reserved. I’m not saying much, or joking around like I normally do. I’m very abrupt, short-answered and usually not listening to a word she’s saying. My communications skills go right down the drain. My girlfriend has no clue what’s going on, other than ‘she’s just in a mood’. It usually has to do with something.
I take pride in my work, and I feel as though sometimes it’s not noticed as much. People go on and on about their life and their jobs, because it is important to them. For me, I feel my life and my work is all too insignificant to be ‘talked about’, or discussed. I’m always asked to be involved in whatever projects are at hand with my girlfriend or friends, yet, never once is there a plan to encourage me with my work or think up new strategies to make things better. Am I resentful? Naw, I just feel a bit sad about it. Maybe they think I got everything under control? Well, sometimes I do, but it would be nice for the people closest to me to come up with solutions or ideas, just as I do for them. Not that I expect the same treatment as I give others, but I do feel a bit sad about it all.Sometimes the question gets thrown out there, “How was your day? Tell me all about your day.” As soon as I go into the first sentence, it’s cut off with the challenges of the day they had. I don’t mind listening and giving my two cents to people who really need it, but sometimes it would be nice if someone really asked how my day was…yet meant it.
It’s as redundant as someone asking you, “How are you?” It never gets answered, and if it does, they don’t truly want to hear it anyway.
Scenario:
Person A: “How are ya?”
Person B: “Hey, how are ya?”
They say the same thing back. They don’t want to be bothered. The entire meaning of “how are you” has changed into a ‘hello’. Interesting, right? It’s lack of interest on what people are up to…or how their wellness is. The insincerity is appalling sometimes. You might as well pass by and nod hello—don’t even say a word. Just walk by…and nod.
If you want to get really technical and knit picky, try the concept of saying “Good morning” on a Monday at your office. Let me tell you how many people say this term like a fricken robot!Person A: “Good morning.”
Person B: “Morning…” *grumble grumble*
Then the people who really say good morning and really say ‘how are you’ and truly mean it---they’re the ones who we avoid. They’re annoying to us. We don’t want to be bothered. Go away with your happy-cheery self! It’s Monday for the love of God! Go home! Go back to your office! I haven’t had my coffee yet! Get!
Hopefully, you’ll all have a great weekend and think about what I said in this long ass post. You’ll think about ordering your dinner before your beverage, you’ll think about making that final choice either to go to the movies, or go bowling with your sweetie. You’ll ponder over the thought of either wearing that pretty blue dress, or throwing those old comfy jeans on. You’ll contemplate on whether or not someone’s “how are yous” are sincere, and if they really want to know about your wellbeing. Don’t overanalyze, just be observant, and watch the insincerity spew out.
Enjoy your weekend!
