All my life, I knew I was a good fella’. No. Wait. That’s not where I was going with this. Let me start all over again.
All my life, I knew I was a lesbian. At the age of four years old, I fantasized about Marie Osmond. Shut up—I fantasized about her babysitting me or something, and maybe a little kiss here and there. I really didn’t know what sex was, but I knew I woke up shaking and quivering at the age of four not knowing what took place. Call it animalistic, call it human nature, or call me a heathen straight from hell---this is what happened at my very early age.
Don’t psychoanalyze me or even entertain the thought of child molestation, because that wasn’t the case. I was never touched by an adult ‘in that way’. I was always taken care of in a parental type of loving way.
”Oh you must have blocked it out.” Oh give me a break. The only thing I blocked out were the intense orgasms brewing inside me when I was a little tyke running-a-muck. (Or at least tried to anyway.)
Getting back to ‘knowing’ I was born like this… I used to watch television thinking how beautiful the women were, and how all men seemed to look alike in soap operas, as I sat home playing, while my mother took care of me. The men always had that part on the side of their hair, all wearing the same suits (so it appeared) and all had the general mannerisms. The women were pretty, and their hairstyles were all unique and done up so beautifully. I was drawn to them physically, and emotionally I felt the need to be around women for the nurturing aspect of it.
“Well what made you decide you were gay at the age of nineteen?” People ask me. I didn’t decide to “be gay”, I was always gay. I decided to come out of the closet and be comfortable with myself, instead of constantly trying to hide my feelings. It was like being in jail.
At the age of eight years old, I was caught making out with a friend who lived near me. My mother quickly shut the door and later explained that I should never do that again.
”But we were playing house, ma!”
“Well it’s not normal and you’re way too young to be kissing anyone—especially another girl. It’s not natural!” My mother said, as she was ready to start dialing up her gossipy friends for some much needed advice.
Scientifically speaking, if it isn’t a gene, then what explains all these sexual feelings and desires I had towards women at the age of four years old and on? I never was exposed to any pornographic material, nor did I fantasize about things I’ve seen that weren’t suited for my young eyes.
Some of my closest friends tell me they have never masturbated until reaching a certain age in their twenties. Some even say that they have never experienced an orgasm before. Do I believe them? Sure I do. Why wouldn’t I? I totally believe that everyone is born differently than another; unique in their traits, the way they were built and designed for their purpose in life.
Here’s where my problem comes in. Now, I dated men before. I have never been hurt by a man—ever. I never had a bad experience with a guy. A lot of people will say, ”Oh, well she probably was really hurt by some man, which led her to this lesbian lifestyle.” Wrong. The men in my life were always respectful towards me and treated me nicely.
I think men are beautiful. Some I actually have to turn my head and say, ”Wow! He’s hot!” I’m human. It’s normal to appreciate the beauty of any gender, in my opinion.
”Oh well you’re going to hell for being a homosexual! Repent and give up your sinful nature!!!” Freaky radical Christian bible thumpin, holy rollin’, holier than thou nutjobs will spew out to me.
God has a purpose for everyone. I was born gay. I know I was. I have proof – just from my life alone. I know God loves me, He accepts me ‘as is’. Unconditional love bypasses the flaws of sin; and imperfection. It overcomes the idiosyncrasies of human nature; the flaws of life that come to play each and every single day. To me, this is why Jesus died for us on the cross. God knew, that we were all going to be imperfect. If my parents can accept me, what makes anyone think that God can’t?
I have some making remarks about the book I published. The people making these ‘remarks’ have not even read my book, but are they’re already bashing it. My book is not only for the gay and lesbian community, but it deals with relationship issues, for straight and gay people. It deals with a break up that I recovered from—through prayer. It mainly focuses on the miracles that God places in your life, if you make Him the person you lean on the most. It’s mostly about God…not about homosexuality. It’s foundation is unconditional love, and how prayer works through the rough patches. It explains how to pray, and how to listen as well; to be aware of the small messages that come through from God.
Maybe my purpose on earth was to be a lesbian, who has a love for Christ; to demonstrate that even as sinners, we are free to come to Him… Religion has placed a bad stigma on those who are imperfect. And who are the people in the world who are imperfect? ALL OF US. We all fall short.
You can debate me until you’re blue in the face that God doesn’t love me, or God doesn’t accept me. I know the truth—which is God’s unconditional love…for me…and for you.
Now religion put aside for those who are atheist or believe in another God, we have to start focusing on loving ourselves and treating ourselves with the most utmost respect. Why are we relying on these holy rolling freaks to decide what’s good for us? Oh, they’re saving our souls and making sure we go to heaven. To tell you the truth, these people don’t give a rat’s ass about your destiny, once the afterlife has opened its doors for you. These people want some sort of reward—possibly a shiny gold halo or a pair of wings they’ve been wanting from heaven’s Macy’s department.
Give me a break. These people are in for themselves---and themselves only. They’re selfish, judgmental and full of self-righteousness. Are these the people you truly want to take advice from? Or do you want to take advice from someone who relates to you; someone who is imperfect---a human---who will understand and have compassion for whatever circumstance you are going through?
People who criticize your life are the ones that are unhappy with their own. They have nothing better to do than to judge every single sinful seed that falls off your ‘fruitful’ or ‘fruitless’ tree and crush it with all their might. Who’s to even say that your tree isn’t ‘fruitful’? Just because you are without child or not serving some man who calls himself a ‘husband’, when he’s actually a self-serving bigot with no desire but to control you?
Like I said, don’t judge a book by its cover, and especially mine. And I speak to those who have already criticized my book, without opening one page. It’s hypocrisy and judgments in its finest form.
I realize I have a lot of straight readers out there. But I am sure that you have either a family member, or a friend who is living a homosexual lifestyle. The best thing you can do for them is to accept how they are, because they’re not going to change just because someone says it’s wrong. God will convict people’s heart, if He feels this is not the path that should have been taken. Don’t we trust God anymore? I certainly do, and I know I have a mission out there to tell people suffering through the painful bigotry that God loves you no matter what. God is there for you—waiting for you to come to Him.
Let people of hatred mumble and grumble about your lifestyle. Let them judge you, while you live a life of peace and happiness. Let them say whatever it is that they want to, for you know in your heart where you stand, and where you stand with God. That’s the most important thing to remember.
It may not even be homosexuality that you’re dealing with. Maybe it’s an addiction. Do you think God hates you just because you have an addiction with alcohol, drugs or sex? God loves all His children—He says so Himself.
Be calm, be still…and let God handle the rest.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
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