Monday, April 26, 2010

String Puppets

In the past I understood it more. I experienced the feeling of being in the grips of an ultimate control freak, or perhaps, the ‘emotionally kept’ woman who was scared to death to be herself, always wondering when the next explosive emotional time bomb was going to explode and fly off the handles for any given reason. Memories of hiding silly things, such as voice mails from my best friend that could have been interpreted as something else. “Well, why’d she say it like that?” It would always be my fault. I was always in the wrong. I’d end up hiding practically everything around her, including the “real me”. I ended up being someone else and crawled into a shell of fear.

Who am I?

I had lost myself for a while before I finally realized that the “real me” was dying to emerge from this Stepford Wife that I was created into. I’d find myself lying about the smallest of things, as opposed to the “real me” being very bluntly honest. “This is me, take it or leave it.” I missed that sonnvabitch that used to tell it like it is. I missed her so much that I brought her back full force, and with that, came eternal damnation from a vicious and scorned woman. Hell hath no fury - but I jolted that fury out with a good ol’ reality slap. What makes a person want to have complete control over another human being while being in a relationship? Insecurity? Fear of becoming powerless? Do they think that it’ll make a relationship better if one is the superior? The adrenaline of being in control must be the answer. The power to have someone be so submissive, so scared---maybe that’s it----people would rather be feared than loved. Or, maybe in a psychological view, it stems from a lack of love from childhood. I have no clue. I just wanted out.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

This, I have with Madelene. I don't remember anyone in my romantic past being patient and kind. Most were all jealous or boastful and of course, some were quite rude. They all demanded their own way and were irritable. They’d all drudge up the past and fight over things that were already resolved. They were extremely happy when they had “won” the fight. They would give up, lose faith and left as soon as the winds changed or if I was going through bad times. There’s a quote that I love from Marylin Monroe that says: “If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve my best.” I think that speaks volumes whens someone only loves you when things are going smoothly, ie: conditional love. It is what it is.

I’ve always been in love with Madelene. I finally realized I loved her even more on a deeper level when she was sick in the hospital about three years ago. I thought to myself while holding her hand tightly with both of mine, “I’m always going to take care of you. I’m never going to leave you unless it’s my time to leave this earth.” I remember saying that in my mind as she slept off the morphine that kept her somewhat painless. I never wanted to see Madelene in pain like that ever again. As we both repeated after the minister, “To love you in sickness and in health.” I stood by my word and never looked back. That’s what true unconditional love is: to be there for the good times as well as the bad. People seem to give up so easily when things are going rough. People want to control one another and make them complete string puppets for their amusement or maybe for a lack of better words, for their own self-esteem and ego.

With the base of friendship being the foundation for any relationship you can't go wrong. Anything can be resolved at that point. The slightest thought to control your partner is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you’re lacking self-esteem and need an ego boost, I’m sure you’ll gain pleasure from pulling the strings that your partner is tied to. If you love your partner with absolutely no conditions, you’ll learn to cut the strings and let them dance on their own.


Monkey Man said...

Thank you.

Xmichra said...

Dancing is much better than marching.

I'm glad you found someone who is kind and gentle with you, even with your sonofabitch nature ;)

coopernicus said...

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was not having to be 'right' all the time; the insecurity of being wrong was intolerable. I have been blessed with a partner who has stuck by me through behavior most would consider unforgivable. Now, not only do I LISTEN because I don't have to know everything, I can admit being wrong to another person. Freedom beyond belief.

Beth said...

This is wonderful, and oh-so true!

I can't remember it word for word, but I essentially believe the same thing as Will Smith and his wife, which I posted in my blog the other day:

"We fight, we argue, we bicker, we throw our hands up in the air when we don't know how to fix a problem we are facing, but we always know that the only option we ever have is to fix it, because we certainly aren't going to be living our lives without each other."

Basically, if you make a decision that you have no choice but to make it better, then than in itself is a what I'd like to call maturity. I mean... if you are sad more than happy, or the relationship is abusive, then get out. But it seems a relationship goes sour, usually due to lack of communication, so one or both parties bounce right out of it and move on to the next dysfunctional relationship because they never learned the skills needed to be in a serious, committed relationship.

Any relationship will have hard times. If you are together for any long period of time, and I mean like 20, 30, 40 years... imagine the fights those couples go through. But they find a way to make it work and they stay together. In this day and age it is so rare for a couple to stay together for the long haul, and when I see it happen, for instance, seeing 70+ year olds holding hands at the mall... my heart melts!!

I hope to have all that one day. And I am so happy that you have found true love and happiness with your lady. :)

Dr. Deb said...

Well said

GW Mush said...

Why hello Debra

gee, that post was almost like you wrote another book. I sure wouldnt want to talk to you on the phone, i bet you yak,yak, yak... Let me go on, asnd on, and on, hehe
Oh yea, now i remember why I used to come to your blog, you are so cute:) hehe

the walking man said...

Never could, at least since I left home te first time, let anyone make me dance to a tune I did not play and conversely since I play no musical instrument I never could see the reason on making anyone dance to a tune I could not play.

Deb said...

Thanks guys! I guess with past relationship experiences and things that I know I messed up on, and people who have treated me less than desirable, I sort of knew what I didn't want, which is sometimes more eye-opening to the things we desire. Process of elimination perhaps? Hrmm....

GW: You're back? (ha) Hello stranger! It may be that quite possibly you may need to start reading Hooked on Phonics if you found this post to be a tad too long for your liking. Read a book (without pictures) to increase your small attention span. ;)