Sunday, January 28, 2007

My Rights

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Maybe not in the court of law, but it definitely plays a huge role in my life. I remain silent, because anything I say is always taken out of context. Anything I say is used against me for reasons of guilt, shame, discomfort and self-serving purposes. I feel trapped. I can’t speak a word. I can’t say what’s on my mind without thoughts of possible repercussions. One truth may lead to “this” disaster, and the other truth may lead to “that” disaster. If I can’t be honest then I have to remain silent. How long can I go before I finally burst? My worst fear is hurting someone. It also goes hand-in-hand with hurting myself in the process. I’m stuck.

“What’s on your mind?” A select few ask me.

I can’t. Fear rises up within me and I start to shut down. I tune everything out and go into my own world.

“Nothing.” I say.

I used to write such revealing stories on my blog. Now, it’s come to the point where many people who are close to me read this on a daily basis. Of course it’s my fault. I gave them the web address. My life has changed and things are different. The only sad part about it is, I have to be very careful of what I say and who I talk about. It’s tricky. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past year that led me to where I am today. I’m confused and I feel lost. I go to God and He says to me that I shouldn’t be afraid. He sends messages of love, hope and peace. I have love, but that’s where I get in trouble. It leads to hopelessness and a restless heart. How can love, hope and peace do that?

You still sit there and read me. You think, “What is she talking about?” Again, I choose to remain silent for fear that they may read me. I fear people judging and ridiculing me for things I say and the things I do. I fear the thought of my own turning against me. I can’t say that I lie. I’m honest, but with little information. Is it still the same as lying? When I choose to give out more information that needed, it gets tossed into this big bucket of misunderstandings. I can’t win. Someone always ends up getting hurt. I’m a bad person. I’m a “sad” person.

Pray. Pray. Pray. I do. And then the cycle starts over again. I still have faith. I still love God. So I pray, and pray, and pray some more. He eases the pain for a while. It subsides. Why does it continually come back to haunt me? Pray some more.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

God says promises this to me. Rest. What is that? Sleep has nothing to do with rest. My heart needs to rest. I feel bad and I ache that no one knows what I’m trying to convey to them. I’m misunderstood. I don’t communicate though, so how are they supposed to understand me? I can’t communicate. The last time I did, I was tried for murder. I either break someone’s heart or I hurt the people I love the most. I don’t mean to. But honesty sometimes gets me in trouble. So I remain silent, in hopes that someone…just someone may read my mind…may read my heart and not just this blog.


russkal said...

It feels good, knowing that the people you care about are reading your blog. Yet it's also sad that you have to edit your words in order to avoid the same people getting offended.

Freedom of speech is overrated. Sure, we can say anything we want but not without the consequences.

I wish you can find the peace of mind (and heart) that you're looking for. Judging by the many times you pray, I think you're on the right track.

Terry said...

Seems to me you are giving others way too much control and not placing enough power in your own hands. One should never be afraid to express them self.

I say that on two levels, one; because it is right thing to do, and two; many people who you will never know paid the supreme sacrifice so you can speak your mind.

Granted, everything said, writing, or even signed about becomes subject to disagreement, debate, and even ridicule. Some folks just aren’t going to see things the way you do and they’re going to tell you about. So what.

I say what I say, you say what you say, those who like me will agree with me, and those who like you will agree with you. That’s pretty much it in a nut shell.

I say write what is important too you. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke. No matter what your stand is someone on the other side of the fence will be screaming at the top of their lungs. They will desperately exclaim what a trash heap you are. Let ‘em yell. Often I personally find those people uncreative, lacking of all original ideas, morally anemic, irritating, and opportunistic. They won’t make a stand on there own so; they oppose yours and make it look like they have a position.

It’s is true Deb, that what you say can and most likely will be used against you. But you are not alone. You are in the company of many artisans who came before you that were also chastised for speaking out. I’m sure you can list more than a few.

I don’t know if all of that helps or not. I just get so frustrated when a see yet another fantastic writer with emotion and conviction saying they are going to censor them self.

We pride our selves on “freedom of speech”; until that speech becomes something somebody else doesn’t want to hear. Newsflash, folks can’t have it both ways, but despite that, people will try.

Remember, even truth has its critics.


Dan said...

Oh Deb. I can sense your frustration and your hurt. I wish I was there to give you a big, loving hug right now. We can all use more of them.

Sometimes we drive ourselves into a tizzy by thinking too much. No, not sometimes, all the time. Sometimes what's best is to try to stop thinking by taking your mind off of it all. I know this is easier said than done, but yoga helps that for me, or meditation, or hiking, cooking a complicated dish, or any other activity that forces me to focus on what it is I'm doing.

Since I can't give you a real hug, close your eyes and imagine I'm giving you one right now.

I hope that made you feel better. It made me feel better. :)

geek said...

Ok, this, I know alittle about. My Dear, those that love you will NOT get hurt if a negetive stray word is expressed on this public forum. Something to remember, this is your diary, not theirs. It says alot about you, that you think of these things, but dont make yourself sick. That would be counterproductive and destructive. People really need to grow a thicker skin.

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Deb - I am sorry you feel so silenced and disempowered. Saying the right thing to the right person at the right time is something all of us continually struggle with.
Words are important to you and you use them to create context and meaning in your life and to grow and come closer to God. I hope that even if your blog no longer gives you the freedom to say what you need to, that you are journaling in a private place where all the unspoken words can tumble out without any fear. You need them.
Hang in there.
Love, Kate+

Dirk_Star said...

You know what has always amazed me? Just how little Jesus really felt he had to say.

Usually with his disciples he just hung out and didn't feel like he had to say anything.

Jesus talked when it mattered...

the rest of the time he just enjoyed good company without comment.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

One of the dangerous things about writing a self-revealing blog or even opening up to friends and family is that one can be misunderstoo; or, perhaps even worse, demeaned because of our honesty. I’ve experienced all of that more often than I want to remember.

However, in seminary there was an emphasis on being vulnerable. Perhaps I learned the lesson too well. But I’ll not live my life any other way.

Deb, don’t let folks get you down. You are who you are (just as God is the God who will be what She will be) and you need not allow others to undermine who you are.

Shalom, may friend.

Nancy said...

Hugs to you.


Mr. Fabulous said...

I am sorry you are feeling down. I don't know if we know each other well enough for me to give you a hug, but how's this:

(((hearty handshake)))


~Dawn said...

Speak your heart and soul and God will clear up the rest. This world is too complicated to be nice to everyone.


DaBich said...

Speak your mind girl, your true friends will STILL be your true friends. And the ones who aren't, weren't friends in the first place.

GW Mush said...


I hope you dont take this out of context, but Im hungry and need a snack right now.

Miss 1999 said...

*Sends you hugs* I know how you feel... I often wonder if I didn't lose my job *unofficially* due to things that were written in my blog. It sucks when the one place you came to, to be able to "let it all out" to be yourself, and share your thoughts, you have to censor. I know how you feel-- and am here for you, anytime *hugs*

Åsa said...

Deb! You beautiful, caring person you! I’m sorry you feel like you have to edit your words. And I so understand why you do. But it’s unfair that you have to be quiet because your near and dear ones can not see the love in all that you write – even when you are mad you are good hearted. My sister has chosen not to read my blog because she is afraid that it might be too revealing. (we are not used to open up in my family). But she hasn’t asked me NOT to write anything. I must say that I regret giving my blog-address to some of my friends. There are times I want to air my feelings towards them but I don’t want to risk them being hurt by my words. Not in writing at least. If I want to tell them something, I’d better say it in person first. Most of the times it’s my feelings I want to deal with, not necessarily the person who causes them. Not sure if this is any consolation to you at all. But I do know the frustration when people around me interpret the things I say in other ways than I meant them. I hope you can get over that and let them interpret things in what ever way they like. Their analysis doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you and it sure doesn’t make you a bad person.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I totally understnad everything u said..

I think your wonderful and I never want u to change;)

i regret giving my address to anyone i know IRL, but what the fuck can ya do? its too late now.

Miranda said...

(((BIG HUGS)))

Sometimes we have to stay silent about some things...and it hurts like hell. I myself wont tell my friends about this blog, not even my g/f. It's my outlet.

Just remember though, everyone has something hidden.

Lorna said...

This was my first visit to your blog and I really liked it! I find that the older I get, the less I worry about other people's reactions to MY feelings. They are mine, and mine to express. No one should have to explain how their heart is feeling, unless they choose to, on any given day. Thanks for sharing, keep it up!

honkeie2 said...

this is the very reason I dont share my blog with everyone....

Paula said...

I would rather be real and honest and truthful--and lose a few "friends", than to hide things and keep them.

This has happened to me, I'm not speaking hypothetically. The people who have chosen to be offended by my very existence weren't really very good friends anyway, were they? Those that truly love me would come to me if they thought I had hurt them, and I'd explain that wasn't what I meant, and I'd apologize, and everything would be fine. Those that never loved me leave in a huff, and I wave good-bye.