Sunday, January 28, 2007

My Rights

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Maybe not in the court of law, but it definitely plays a huge role in my life. I remain silent, because anything I say is always taken out of context. Anything I say is used against me for reasons of guilt, shame, discomfort and self-serving purposes. I feel trapped. I can’t speak a word. I can’t say what’s on my mind without thoughts of possible repercussions. One truth may lead to “this” disaster, and the other truth may lead to “that” disaster. If I can’t be honest then I have to remain silent. How long can I go before I finally burst? My worst fear is hurting someone. It also goes hand-in-hand with hurting myself in the process. I’m stuck.

“What’s on your mind?” A select few ask me.

I can’t. Fear rises up within me and I start to shut down. I tune everything out and go into my own world.

“Nothing.” I say.

I used to write such revealing stories on my blog. Now, it’s come to the point where many people who are close to me read this on a daily basis. Of course it’s my fault. I gave them the web address. My life has changed and things are different. The only sad part about it is, I have to be very careful of what I say and who I talk about. It’s tricky. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past year that led me to where I am today. I’m confused and I feel lost. I go to God and He says to me that I shouldn’t be afraid. He sends messages of love, hope and peace. I have love, but that’s where I get in trouble. It leads to hopelessness and a restless heart. How can love, hope and peace do that?

You still sit there and read me. You think, “What is she talking about?” Again, I choose to remain silent for fear that they may read me. I fear people judging and ridiculing me for things I say and the things I do. I fear the thought of my own turning against me. I can’t say that I lie. I’m honest, but with little information. Is it still the same as lying? When I choose to give out more information that needed, it gets tossed into this big bucket of misunderstandings. I can’t win. Someone always ends up getting hurt. I’m a bad person. I’m a “sad” person.

Pray. Pray. Pray. I do. And then the cycle starts over again. I still have faith. I still love God. So I pray, and pray, and pray some more. He eases the pain for a while. It subsides. Why does it continually come back to haunt me? Pray some more.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

God says promises this to me. Rest. What is that? Sleep has nothing to do with rest. My heart needs to rest. I feel bad and I ache that no one knows what I’m trying to convey to them. I’m misunderstood. I don’t communicate though, so how are they supposed to understand me? I can’t communicate. The last time I did, I was tried for murder. I either break someone’s heart or I hurt the people I love the most. I don’t mean to. But honesty sometimes gets me in trouble. So I remain silent, in hopes that someone…just someone may read my mind…may read my heart and not just this blog.