You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Maybe not in the court of law, but it definitely plays a huge role in my life. I remain silent, because anything I say is always taken out of context. Anything I say is used against me for reasons of guilt, shame, discomfort and self-serving purposes. I feel trapped. I can’t speak a word. I can’t say what’s on my mind without thoughts of possible repercussions. One truth may lead to “this” disaster, and the other truth may lead to “that” disaster. If I can’t be honest then I have to remain silent. How long can I go before I finally burst? My worst fear is hurting someone. It also goes hand-in-hand with hurting myself in the process. I’m stuck.
“What’s on your mind?” A select few ask me.
I can’t. Fear rises up within me and I start to shut down. I tune everything out and go into my own world.
“Nothing.” I say.
I used to write such revealing stories on my blog. Now, it’s come to the point where many people who are close to me read this on a daily basis. Of course it’s my fault. I gave them the web address. My life has changed and things are different. The only sad part about it is, I have to be very careful of what I say and who I talk about. It’s tricky. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past year that led me to where I am today. I’m confused and I feel lost. I go to God and He says to me that I shouldn’t be afraid. He sends messages of love, hope and peace. I have love, but that’s where I get in trouble. It leads to hopelessness and a restless heart. How can love, hope and peace do that?
You still sit there and read me. You think, “What is she talking about?” Again, I choose to remain silent for fear that they may read me. I fear people judging and ridiculing me for things I say and the things I do. I fear the thought of my own turning against me. I can’t say that I lie. I’m honest, but with little information. Is it still the same as lying? When I choose to give out more information that needed, it gets tossed into this big bucket of misunderstandings. I can’t win. Someone always ends up getting hurt. I’m a bad person. I’m a “sad” person.
Pray. Pray. Pray. I do. And then the cycle starts over again. I still have faith. I still love God. So I pray, and pray, and pray some more. He eases the pain for a while. It subsides. Why does it continually come back to haunt me? Pray some more.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
God says promises this to me. Rest. What is that? Sleep has nothing to do with rest. My heart needs to rest. I feel bad and I ache that no one knows what I’m trying to convey to them. I’m misunderstood. I don’t communicate though, so how are they supposed to understand me? I can’t communicate. The last time I did, I was tried for murder. I either break someone’s heart or I hurt the people I love the most. I don’t mean to. But honesty sometimes gets me in trouble. So I remain silent, in hopes that someone…just someone may read my mind…may read my heart and not just this blog.